Crime Scene

I did it. I finally broke the chains and now I’m free. It feels so good, it feels like a sense of relief.

 

Yesterday, before I went out on my usual run at the park I decided that I would tell my mom what my plans were. What I told her wasn’t planned though. I was thinking of how I would let her know. At first I thought, maybe when she sees that I am not getting ready to go to church she would ask and I would just tell her. But, I love her. And I know her. I needed to give her time to digest this. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me it was.

I put on my running shoes and after filling up my water bottle I looked at her and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to let her know so she could digest it, not understand it, but respect it. She asked me what was going on, as a concerned mother will always do. I remember feeling evil. Like I was doing something bad, almost murder. I was killing someone. I was killing myself, the person she thought she knew was dying right in front of her.

Her response was not the one I was expecting. She said if I think there is something better out there than the religion we are currently in then I should go look for it, but I wasn’t going to find it. She was calm. I was shaking. She also told me to read our magazines and our literature and that would help me see that this is in fact the one and only true religion. She started rambling and repeating herself, not screaming or yelling though, but I still just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the crime scene.

Through out the whole night while I was out running, she would send me articles published by Jehovah Witness. I appreciate how much she cares, she really does. She only wants the best for me and she thinks that she has found it in this religion. I don’t blame her and I didn’t tell her to stop, if this was going to help her feel better that was ok with me.

There was one final text that she sent that mad me cry after I’d been holding it in. Or maybe it was just the situation and everything else? She said, “you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you. If I did something that hurt you or offended you I’m sorry. I love you.”

My mom is a great person. I always hear stories of young people being total assholes to their parents just because they’re parents don’t agree with what they believe in. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you still, they do and very much. They just don’t agree with what you believe and that’s ok, we don’t all have to be the same mechanical robots.

I told her that she has never hurt me, and that’s possibly the most accurate sentence I have ever spoken. I love my mom and I always will.

Today, I woke up and she didn’t attack me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even mention church. All she did was get ready. She asked my brother if he was going and he got ready and went. She went up to my bed when she saw I was awake and it was like I was five years old again. She sat on the corner of my bed and she talked to me. Like her son. Nothing really important, just random things about her chickens and one of her friends having a cat.

I couldn’t have asked for a better moment. It was nice. There still a little bit of doubt in me if I am honest. Am I actually doing the correct thing? What if she is right and this is the Truth? But at the same time I feel so great, free, liberated.

 

Why is that?

 

I Don’t Have The Answer

I’m sitting in my car outside of my local Starbucks.

I bought an ice tea to calm my nerves. Extra sugar light ice, just how I like it.

Yesterday I went out with a group of friends to eat at Applebee’s. It was nice. I tried my hardest to steer the conversation to anyone other than me. They are all doing well and they seem really happy.

One of them invited us to a party that’s going on this very second. I told them I might go. Of course that’s code for thank you but no. I don’t do parties.

I arrived home around midnight and woke up 4 hours later. Another friend texted me at midnight and I responded thinking she would be asleep. She replied almost immediately.

She wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Like always I’m everyone’s punching bag. Their safe place to vent. I’m always there for them. So I told her ok.

I met her at the gym and I told her I couldn’t go inside. She said it was lonely because it was 5AM. But still, having people stare at me while I work out just didn’t appeal to me. But suddenly I’m inside walking next to her on a treadmill.

She told me how her boyfriend got drunk with his friends and left her out to dry. This happens often, so it didn’t come out as a surprise. The thing is that she’s over it. She made a total mess in their room.

Later on in the day she called me crying saying that she got kicked out and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her. I was there for her and listened to her.

The friend that I came out to has been really distant. But then again he doesn’t show his emotions. It’s like he’s a wall. No, I have better conversations with walls.

He snap chatted me , life is good.

I started crying. I started gasping for air. I felt as if I as inside a balloon. Digging my fingers through rubber trying to escape. The air felt so thin. Heat burned my ears and my hands dripped with sweat.

There was a point when I didn’t even have tears. It was just the sound of pathetic sobbing. Out loud I heard someone repeat, I’m tired, over and over. I shortly realized that it was me.

My brain is playing me. My brain is tricking me into feeling things I do not wish to feel. I ask myself, how do I stop this? But like always I never have the answer.