Sorry God

I didn’t go to church. You know, I was debating weather to go or not. Sorry God. But I chose not too. Well, I didn’t technically choose. My mom said she was tired and didn’t sleep well so she wanted to stay home instead. (Our church does this thing where you can call in and listen through the phone I know, high tech). I mean gotta get that spiritual food some how, am I right? Hahaha.

I don’t know, I was feeling iffy. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or not, but that’s what I felt. Something about seeing my ex, just being around people and all.

So, usually when I get to my church, I go around saying hi to everyone. I walk in, scan the area, and go around shaking peoples hands (people are usually sitting, but I want to say hi so they don’t think I’m socially awkward which I am). When I’m done I sit and wait for it to start. There’s nothing bad about it. I really enjoy going. But sometimes, we’ll let’s not lie, most times, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, let alone shake their hand. Wow that was a lot of comas.

But I didn’t want to do that, at all. Lately I’ve been a shut in. It physically hurts to talk to other humans. I know I’ll get over it. I’ve noticed I’ll be social here and there then come back to my rock. That’s normal right? Let’s say yes.

My “don’t care” attitude is still on me like a brand new sweater. I love it. It’s warm, cute, and just the right size. But we’ll see how it gets after a couple of uses.

He’s My Friend

More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.

The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.

I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.

All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?

I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.

I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.

We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.

So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.

Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017