Malibu Fantasy

My Malibu fantasy was cut short yesterday. Technically it didn’t even happen at all.

This weekend my boyfriend and I got an Air B&B in Malibu right at the beach. I thought it would be perfect. It was right on the beach, great location, good ratings, everything we wanted.

Except we weren’t going to be alone. I’ll take full responsibility for this though. Because it was my first time, I didn’t chose the room wisely. There are places you can get alone, and there are places where the owner is there just in a separate room.

Although, I feel like I thought the listing said private? But any who, we might have ended up staying if the guy wasn’t so picky.

As we walked in he told us no shoes on the carpet. Ok, I mean sure. Then he told us we had to eat outside on the balcony. No food or drinks in the rooms either. Which was all that we packed for. Snacks so we could chill in the room the whole night. I mean Corona wasn’t going to let us do much. And a list of another things I lost track of in the end.

Once the tour was over my boyfriend looked at me and I looked at him and with out a doubt we grabbed our things and canceled the reservation. Sadly we didn’t get our money back which SUCKS, but we came home and still had a some what nice of an evening, until everyone started shooting fireworks.

Maybe there will be another time to visit Malibu. But now I know for sure to make sure that the place we get doesn’t come with a picky over the top owner that lives in the place to watch over our every move.

Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Naturally I woke up crying, as the emotionally out of control person that I am, and honestly it felt good.

I didn’t think the day would be any good if I am honest. And even though nothing really surprising happened it went well for a COVID Birthday. Is that a thing? I guess it will be this year.

I arrived at work very melodramatic, it didn’t help that the sky was an awful gray. Usually I like days like that but not when I’m feeling sentimental. My boss had decorated my office space by making a mess with blue party strings all over the place. I have to admit this won my heart over in one second. I really was not expecting anything what so ever from them. I mean they like me but I didn’t think they would go out of their way to do that, which was nice. They got me cake and also bought me lunch for the day, oh and a gift card as well.

Since I didn’t actually do anything on the actual day (party wise) I decided to reminisce and look back at past years and what I have done. Technically out of the 26 years I have been alive I have only celebrated 2 years, not counting yesterday. It’s kind of sad but on the other hand, I have a lot of celebration to make up for.

My friends were more than sweet wishing me great things that I wish would happen not only to me but to the rest of the world. My boyfriend got me some roses and a corgi stuffed animal since he knows I am obsessed with them, along with a lot of chocolates.

It was a cute day, and it did make me feel a little better. Actually it made me feel great, I wonder if that’s good or if I need to work on my ego. I wouldn’t say ego though, It’s more of the attention of love and acceptance. I don’t know that’s for another post.

Anyways I had a good time doing nothing and just being alive and looking back at good memories. It sucks that my friends and I couldn’t all get together and do something but there is always next year.

Now, I can’t wait until this weekend when I go to the beach. It may not be the same as past years, but I’ll be there with my boyfriend and I know it will be fun.

26 Soon

My birthday is less then a week away.

Last year my birthday was epic. I loved every single moment of it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I think it was the best birthday by far that I have ever had. I went to the beach with some of my closest friends. Then we went home got changed and went to my favorite club, where I got to dance with more friends of mine that joined us later.

What will this year be like? I’m not sure, this year my birthday lands on a Monday so I doubt that I will be able to celebrate anything on the day of. I’ve never been one to celebrate every single birthday anyways. I grew up in a religion where it was almost as bad as committing murder to do so.

But now I feel like there is no need to celebrate it. Maybe I have just gotten old? Or maybe it is the vibe of everything? I just really don’t care about it honestly, I don’t have an emotional connection with birthdays like most people do.

My boyfriend did say we should do something though, which was nice of him. He kind of picked the whole thing, but I’m fine with that. We’re going to a beach getaway a week after my birthday. It’s actually the 4th of July weekend. Which in part makes it feel less like my birthday, but I digress.

Well, I will be 26 soon, what should I expect? Half of the year will be over by the time I turn 26 and it hasn’t been the greatest of time, hopefully the rest of it can lighten up a bit, I know it sounds really optimistic to think so but I feel like that’s what we need.

Falling

How was your weekend? I hope it was great, and if it wasn’t I hope the next one is better.

This weekend I spent it with the guy I’m currently talking to. I decided to focus on him and only talk to him. We aren’t anything yet, just dating and talking to try to see where this goes. I don’t know if he’s talking to anyone else, but I have a strong feeling he’s not. I deleted all my dating apps last week. I only had them for about ten days.

I can only see him on weekends since he works during the week and he works a late shift, which kind of sucks but I get it. He asked if I wanted to got to a friends birthday party. I thought this was really soon to start meeting his friends and some of his family. But I decided to go, I really like him and I wanted to spend time with him.

The party was great, his friends were super nice and down to earth. One of his sisters that I met was also super nice. I loved every minute of it. I had a great time and the party was hella fun. I was super nervous to go at the beginning but I’m so glad I put myself out there instead of backing out like I always do.

Yesterday (Sunday), we went to Santa Monica. We walked the pier and then sat at the edge on a bench and talked while the sun came down. It was so relaxing and time seemed to stop. It felt like the world around us was moving at fast pace and we were just there in the moment. I know it sounds like the total opposite of each other but that’s how I felt about it.

Then we walked the shore for a bit and sat down and talked some more. We talked about our past and what we want for our future. He said he wants to take it slow with us because he doesn’t want to screw this up. I swear my  heart melted when he said this. He told me that he really likes me, I told him that too.

It’s nice to finally find some one who wants the same thing I want. To have all the things in common that we do, and the things that we don’t, and still get along. The vibe that we have is amazing, we can talk for hours, sure we are just getting to know each other but there’s nothing like good chemistry.

I’m scared now, scared of losing him. Scared of falling for him and then him leaving. Scared of starting something that I think I have been waiting for for so long and then it being carried away by the wind. Will this be the beginning to the ending I’ve always wanted? Is this actually something that can blossom into something beautiful?

He’s going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with his best friend, he sounded super excited when he was telling me about it. I was surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with them. Of course my answer was yes.

I’m happy. I like the place that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally.in right now. I wish and hope it stays that way.

A Post Never Published

May 24th of 2018

Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.

I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.

So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.

I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.

I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.

So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.

But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.

The next day he messaged me;

“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.

We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?

What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.

Big Ball Of A Mess

The beach is a relaxing place for me. When I think of the beach I think warm sand, soft breeze, nice sound of the waves touching the shore, and the sunlight shining from above like a ray of hope.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday. I’ve been living my life really fast lately and I needed to take a break. Going to the beach and not working about anything or anyone really felt great.

A lot of things are piling up on me. For example, my dating life, I’m talking to all these guys and I can’t chose one because they aren’t what I want. My friends, I’m trying to divide my time between all of them yet none of them want to hang out with each other. And not to mention my moms upcoming reconstruction surgery for her breast cancer. Let alone me being and dancing in a wedding. It’s all a big ball of a mess.

That’s why I needed yesterday, and I got it. I headed to Malibu with my brother, mother, and two of my church friends. One of my friends I have been estranged with for the longest time. I actually wrote him a letter on this blog. We because close told him I was gay and then he vanished from my life.

But now, it seems he wants to be back in it. When I got home after dropping him off he sent me a text saying how sorry he was that he let our friendship die. That because of his stubbornness he wouldn’t let himself talk to me or be around me. He also said how he’d like to go back to where we used to be. I’m not gonna lie, this made my heart dance insanely.

He was there for me through all of my moms stages going into the beginning of her Breast cancer like no one else was. He stayed at the hospital with me the day of the first surgery. He was a good friend. And I can not lie I want that friendship back myself.

One of the guys I dated would like a second chance. I told him we had very different views and we always clashed about something. He said how that was ok and he really liked me. I’m not sure what to do or say to him. He’s just not my cup of tea anymore, the problem is I give second chances as if they were handshakes.

Back to the beach though, at the end of the day, I’d say the last thirty minutes. I was swimming and the tides were growing in size. I was swimming like I was all day, or like I always do when I go to the beach. The only issue is that this wave came at me with an agenda. To take me down.

All I remember is being body slammed into the floor and my back giving out, I yelled under water out of pain and naturally water filled my lungs. I shot up to the surface trying to speak but couldn’t. That had never happened to me before. I ran out of the water and layer down. The water evacuated my body and that’s when I felt the pain in my back. I laid on the grown for a few minutes before returning to the water. The piercing coldness is the water felt great on my back and for a moment it was like I had never been assaulted by the ocean.

My back only started hurting once I was out again. Driving home was excruciating. Not to mention sleeping. I bought some patches to put on my back and they did help some. Now I’m sore. I didn’t go to work either. And today all that I have done is sleep. Which is good because I have been missing out on that for weeks.

Two of my friends made my day. One works at a pizza place and made a custom made pizza for me, and another at a Starbucks, who gave me a pumpkin spice frappuccino for free.

So I’m all, yesterday as much as today have been very relaxing days, and even though I semi broke my back, there’s always a bright side to everything. You just have to chose to see it.

24

Yesterday was my twenty-fourth birthday. I don’t usually celebrate it at all because of my religion and if or when I do or did it was never on my actual birthday. This time it was different because I did it in the exact day and it was a blast.

Me and a couple of friends headed to the beach. Malibu to be exact. I love the beach. There’s something about hearing the waves crash on the shore and then get carried back to the ocean is just so relaxing.

Being with friends and just being surrounded with positive vibes felt great. I don’t feel twenty-four yet. I barley even felt the age that I was before. This birthday was the best birthday I’ve ever had.

After the beach we finished our day off at IHOP or IHOB, what ever it’s called now. They have pretty great burgers and fries honestly. My day was great. I really loved it.

This feeling is bliss has to remain in me for a couple of more days.

There Was Alcohol And Shit Hit The Fam

Last week I went to a birthday party. One of my friends said it was going to be small but it wasn’t. Nothing but small. I saw people from high school, people I didn’t know, and people from my old job. Some people sure I was happy to see and reconnect with but forgets I didn’t even turn on their direction.

That’s not the point though. The point is that’s there was alcohol and shit hit the fan. I was hanging out with a couple of my favorite friends, or the usual group I hang out with. Yes, we were drinking and there were shots and mixed drinks and all that fun stuff to pass the time. For me as long as you having fun and not causing trouble sure drink up.

But then, there always has to be a but then doesn’t there? Well, one of my friends and I went it the bathroom. Lest call her Mona. Mona and I were in the bathroom when we got a text from Jenna (yeah we’ll call my other friend Jenna). She was informing us that our other friends (married couple) were arguing and fighting and that we should come back. So we hurried up and went back and sure enough they were.

The wife was crying while pushing away from her husband and we were just there trying to walk to our seats through the thick awkwardness. We had never seen them like that. They had always been that couple that wouldn’t stop showing how in love they were. And now? They were that couple that gets drunk and fights at parties.

We decided it was time to leave. So we left and we left hungry. We pulled up to a McDonald’s and ordered food. I was with the husband and the girls had gone in another car. When the husband went to the other car he left behind a bottle of vodka he had stolen from the party. Not only that, he started to piss behind my other friends car. His wife surely felt really embarrassed.

We got our food and sat outside our cares in the parking lot once again. This time he started through it all his trash on the floor and around the parking lot. I had to clean it all up just so they wouldn’t call the cops on us. He thought it was the most hilarious thing on the planet. That’s when I called it a night.

Anyways now knowing this mini back story, let me inform you that I’ll be going tot the beach for my birthday this Friday. The same friends were going. I told them I don’t want alcohol at the beach because things might get out of hand. They were all fine with it. Then he said he’d take his stash. No I don’t want weed there either. So then he was kind of upset but he still said that it was ok.

The next day he texted everyone in the group text that he wanted mimosas. I clearly told him no alcohol. Why was he asking again? Was this a joke to him? I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t tell him something he would smuggle in some drinks and pull them out later and there would be nothing I could do at that point.

So I texted him that if he couldn’t handle not having alcohol at the beach then maybe he shouldn’t go. Superarlo he took that in the worst way possible and left our group chat and also removed me from all social media.

So when something doesn’t go your way you just block them out of your life? That’s real mature dude.

That’s enough drama for now. But there will be more.

I’m Ready To Start Dating

I’m ready to start dating.

 

 

I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.

 

First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.

 

At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.

 

Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?

 

Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.

 

I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.

 

I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.

 

Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.

 

So there, I’m ready to start dating.

Daisy, Inky, And The Beach

This weekend was worth living. I swear I had a great time every second of it.

One of my dear close friends had sent me a picture of a flyer that there would be a pet adoption on Saturday. I had let it be known that I was really to get a dog. So she sent me the picture of the flyer.

I went with one of my friends brother, my brother, and my mom tagged along as well. Got there really early and it was already packed and open.

I saw many dogs that I wanted. I went with the mentally that I was going home with a dog. But, I also wanted to be sure the one that I would adopt would be happy with me, and I with it.

I saw two that were really hyper and loved them. Playful and full of personality. I talked to the organizer of that particular shelter and asked more about the dog to see if we would be well together. Since he was a little puppy she said it would be more suitable for a more active person who is usually home.

We also saw a full breed beagle puppy that I really wanted. The puppy was taken by a little girl and her family. I had gotten there a little to late.

We made our way to the beginning again and saw some dos that I did see before but this time they caught my eye. They were beagle and dachshund mix. They looked really cute and quiet. They had just been spayed two days prior.

I asked if I could walk inside and pet them. The volunteer said that the black one really didn’t like it when they pet her sister, she was over protective. But she let me inside anyway. I kneeled a good distance away and let one of the sniff my hand. Then I touched her ear and pretty soon she was walking towards me standing on my lap. And her sister? Not even bothered. The volunteer was surprised. It was a match made in heaven.

They came from a family who didn’t want them because they dug holes. They were surrendered to the shelter that same week. After signing some papers they were welcomed into my family. And they loved their new home.

On Sunday, the friend that opened the door for me to adopt wanted to go to he beach. I love the beach. I think I got sun burned though. It was a cloudy morning but once it cleared up it was beautiful.

I wish I could live by the beach once. This same friend who I went to the beach with, I also told her about this blog. So if your reading this text me!

Overall this weekend was a blast. Can’t wait to Ave now adventures with my new dogs, Daisy and Inky, maybe take them to the beach.