Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.
She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.
She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.
That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.
I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.
And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.
I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.
There, I said it. I feel like we all saw this coming. I even saw it coming. (I have a lot of things to say regarding this so hang in there).
First I feel really stupid thinking that something like this could work. I don’t even know if the word stupid fits the right feeling I have over the subject. It’s more of a ohmygod why did you do this to you and her?. That’s more of what I feel. I don’t remember the reason I even got back with her. I fell like all the reasons I have are very superficially over the surface. I was in a bad place, I was leaving a cult and I was damaged. Of course I needed someone.
I can see that she isn’t happy. We went out to the park for a walk yesterday which we talked mainly about how she doesn’t like how our relationship is at the moment. She said she feels really unhappy. I’m fine. I have no issues. Why does she feel the way that she does? Well, first because I am not in the same religion that she is in. Second because I don’t go to the parties that those same people in that religion usually put on. She feels lonely when she goes. There is a huge trust issue that she has which I think she inherited from her father. She gets anxious when I go out with my friends. Since my friends are also not in her religion she “hates them” and she also believes that they are the ones that have pulled me away from “God”. She thinks that it is because of them that I left.
I asked why she was with me if she was feeling this way. I want her to be happy, if by being with me isn’t going to make her happy she shouldn’t be with me. I told her, go find someone that believes the same things you do, go find someone that likes the same things you do, someone who will be in that cult with you and wont have any issues with it.
She said she likes me too much to let me go. I get that. If I were to lose her again I’d miss her, but like I said, I want her to be happy. I know that being with me she wont be. Plus, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to be nagged or feel uncomfortable that I’m hanging out with my friends. I want to go out and do stuff and not feel like I have to report to someone every single minute. Then there is my whole sexuality coming in the picture again, I just don’t think that I am attracted to her that way anymore. Which begs to question why was I back then? What was it that made me want her? Because now I don’t.
Yes, I understand what being in a relationship means. But I have repeatedly told her that I will not go back to the religion she is part of. I want nothing to do with it. I’m done.
And as bad as it sounds I’m over her. I like her as a person, she’s amazing don’t get me wrong. But she just isn’t for me. The spark isn’t there anymore and I don’t want to ignite it again. I have tried. I know who she is and I know her worth. And she deserves someone who will and can give her everything she needs.
If I become one of your friends I do not take that job lightly. Once you have gained my trust you are let into my world. The walls that I carry around me are let down. Sure, I still keep some up, but you still get to see who I am in many ways. I don’t play games when it comes to friends. If you give me time and attention, I will do the same. But I am sensitive, I get hurt easily, I am a lightweight.
I’m not currently talking to my best friend. It’s been weird. I don’t really know what’s going on. Well, I do. I know exactly how I feel about it. I’m just trying to find the right words to use to explain it.
I thought we told each other everything. No secrets. But I HATE, when I give more than I get. I know that it may sound selfish, and to be honest it is. But I don’t care, I feel I give enough to expect back. Back to the subject at hand, essentially I got tired of always talking about me.
Our conversations always consisted of me telling him what I am up to, what I am doing at the moment. When he would ask me how my day was, I would go into detail and tell him everything I had done. If I asked him how his day was his response would be “good” and that’s it. If I asked him anything about his family or anything personal I would never get a straight answer. It would always be generic or bland. As if I was talking to a computer. If I wanted to know more I had to pry, I had to ask very straight forward questions or else I would get dizzy running circles.
So I started acting the same way he did. I was a mirror of what he was. Short answers, very vague responses. It only got worse. The communication was repetitive and the conversations never went anywhere. So I had enough and I stopped replying. Its been a couple of days now.
He texted me yesterday saying that he hopes that I am doing well. I didn’t reply. Why would I? This same thing happened last year. And he came crawling back apologizing for how suborn he was. I forgave him. Why is he so secretive? I understand not everyone is like me, not everyone is willing to spill their hearts out to their friends. But to build friendships you need a certain vulnerability. And in this one there is none.
I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know what will happen. I am at a point where I don’t really care. I am tired of always being the one that has to save relationships. I did nothing wrong and maybe he thinks that too. I don’t know what my next move is, maybe he does. I’ll sit here and wait patiently in the mean time.