I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

Broke to Immensely in Debt

The unemployment system sucks ass.

First off, the pay sucks, second if you have any concerns or questions about your case or what ever it is you are trying to solve don’t even bother calling because all you will get is an answering machine, there is literally no option to speak to a real breathing person. Not to mention their only window to call is 8 am to 12 pm.

This is has been my life for the past couple of weeks. My unemployment is all gone, used up. So I have gone from being broke to immensely in debt. My credit cards are slowly going to start maxing out, and then I’ll start freaking out.

I have been applying to jobs for weeks now, I’m starting to think that my resume is not one of the best, even though my teacher helped me on it.

What I’m looking for is a part time job. I have school, I have my internship, and then I want to spend time with my boyfriend. Yet, I can’t get a job. I lost count of all the places I have applied to, its ridiculous.

I have thought of going to a work agency, but I have stopped myself because of my availability. They would have to find some where really special for me.

I already talked it with my boyfriend, letting him know that if and when I get a job we might have to see each other less. He was cool about it, more cooler that I wish he would have been but maybe he needs a break from my crazy needy ass.

I could try to add an extension to my unemployment, but I am so over them. I have had so many issues with them in the beginning of the whole process and I really don’t want to go through all that again, I’d rather get a job. Even if I have to loose sleep.

My internship is over in a couple of months, I have worked two jobs before and they have lasted just as long, so I figure I can do it again, which is why I’m looking for a night job or something.

At this point I’m willing to sell my kidney.

Nicole

Six years ago I started working at a fast food restaurant where I met my one of best friends. In a couple of weeks, this friend will be leaving California and moving to another state, I decided to dedicate this post to her,

Nicole this one’s for you.

 

I don’t think I have this type of relationship with any of my other friends as I do with her. We know each other one a personal level. We talk about life, love, and sex (graphically). Very personal things.

But it wasn’t always like this. We have had our rough patches here and there. I think that all the great friends in the past have to go through shit in order for them to have a strong bond. If you really look at it it’s really cool how we’ve been through so much and we have managed to stay friends.

I know I’ve pissed her off, I know she has to me, but I’m an emotional bitch so I’ve been hurt more (but that’s more my fault then hers).

When I met her I thought she was great. I liked her, she seemed nice and outgoing, social, and she seemed to not care what people thought of her. All the qualities I wanted in myself.

Sadly I let rumors get the best of me and I slowly ditched myself from her. There was a point that I even blocked her from all social media and we lost touch. But we ended up getting back to being friends after a while.

She reached out like she always has and there’s nothing I can say to match the appreciation I feel towards that effort. She was there when many people weren’t. She would listen to me and tell me straight how it is, even when I didn’t agree with her or she knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say.

She was the first person I came out to. Granted I came out to her as bi and then for the next years played hide and seek in the closet, she was still there for every moment.

She’s a bad ass. If you want someone to tell you how it is, she will. There is no sugar coating it. A lot of people don’t like that, but I do. It means I can be real with her as well , and though it took me many years, I learned it from her.

Now six years have past, so many things have happened in such a short amount of times in both of our lives. None of them have been just minor situations. She’s almost like the sister I never had but always wanted.

Nicole, I know you’re leaving and it feels like the world is ending for you. It almost feels as if I’m losing a little part of myself. But I hope you can take a little part of me with you and never forget me. I know changes are coming for both of us and we might not be as close in the physical sense as we may want to be, but I won’t let our friendship get disconnected. We have so many ways of staying connected. You are the only person I know who I was brave enough and had so much trust in to let you know about this Blog. I let you into the most vulnerable parts of my brain and heart by doing so, and you have never judged me for it.

I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you all the luck I can possibly wish for you. I know you’re brave and strong and even though new territories are scary and intimidating remember that you are more. I want to visit when I can, I want to stay connected, I want to meet your kids when you have them, I want you in my life for the rest of it.

Nicole, in you, I have found a friend for life.

Good luck,

Love,

Pedro ❤️

45 And Counting

Seeing as I am now 45 days close to not having a job, searching for a new one has become a top priority. I am not looking forward to being unemployed and collecting unemployment. Sure I hate my job, that doesn’t mean I want to stay home and work the government. Some of my coworkers are thrilled to do so and can’t wait. That annoys the heck out of me.

I received a call last week for an interview, I went and it actually turned out to go very well. It was for a delivery driving position. Something I have not yet jumped into. The manager who interview me asked if I wanted to tag along with one of the drivers and see if it was a good option for me.

I thought it was a great opportunity. What other job asks you to come in and just basically watch what they do and see if you like it? Not many. The job seemed fairly well, as the manager described it. But this way I would be seeing it and hearing it form the horses mouth.

Today was the day of the ‘ride along’ as he called it. The driver that I shadowed was very friendly but at the same time very straight forward. This is what I needed. I didn’t need someone to sell me the job again and tell me lies. I also didn’t need someone to bash on their own job and make it seem like it was a hell hole. He explained the cons and the pros and paved the way for me to decide what I would do.

The job itself is not bad. It’s honest, and technically, I would be making the same amount of money that I make now. The downfall? I would be driving a lot more. I would be getting up a lot earlier and I would be getting home a lot later as well. For someone who loves to drive, this is hard for me because driving a car is not the same as driving a 20 foot truck, in the middle of the summer , to one of the hottest valleys in the desert. Like I said, I love driving, I believe that this job would make me start to hate it.

Am I upset? No. I know there will be jobs that appear to be great. I may not like them. That’s why I have all this time to decide which job I choose. I want to be 100% sure I want the job I will get. For some reason that feeling wasn’t there for this job.

I have faith though. I will get a nice job that I like. I’m not looking for the pay as much as I’m looking for the environment and feel of it. I want to be happy. That’s my goal for the rest of the year. Doing me, getting happy.

T-Minus — 60 Days

It is official. On July 25th of this year, I will be unemployed.

They finally took us out of the dark last Thursday and gave us all the letters that some were dreading and some where waiting for. There were a lot of rumors going around about what was going on and what would be happening with all the changes made up until the termination date.

There was only one department saved from the mass lay off of the company. Lucky them. Some people in other departments didn’t see that as being fair, but the reason that they are staying is that they are already working in the only place where the company is still make its money, and will continue after the lay off.

We had two options. Willingly say that we want to be in the group to be let go, get a severance pay and also collect unemployment. Or say that we wanted to stay and then wait until they decide if they needed us or not.

For now, I need to work on my resume. I wont be jumping into the first job that I am able to get. (If I can even get a job). I really want to get a job I am at least ok with. I have only had jobs that I have hated and its only done me really wrong. This time I need to be smart and actually get a job that I want and not need. 

I know it can be hard. Getting a job you actually want is very rare. First you have to look for what you want. Then you have to make sure its a good fit for you, a smart choice. You also have to see if you can even qualify for the job, not to mention all the interviews that you have to go through. Those are tough and extremely overwhelming.

In my entire working life I have only had three jobs where I have had to interview for. The first one was really easy. It was for a fast food place. I don’t see how even I could have screwed that up. And I didn’t, so I go that job. At the job that I have now I had help because I was thrown in there by a work agency, but then later when I applied for a position I wanted, I got it. I only did because I knew the supervisor that was interviewing. The other job I interviewed for and got was at a call center. I was recommended, so there was a certain confidence that I carried with me in there which I believe got me that job.

The only thing that sucks about interviews is when you don’t get the job after. But I am getting ahead of myself with that. First I have to find a job that I like, and for that, I have to know what I want. At the moment, I don’t.

W.A.R.N.

I . . . didn’t go to work today. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I know I sound like a broken record. But, this time it wasn’t because of my anxiety or because I literally hate everyone at work. No, this time it was different. There is actual justification. Well, not that anxiety isn’t justification, but you know what I mean, well you don’t, but you will.

My job has yet to let anyone know who will be staying and who will be kicked out do to the downsizing. There was a note posted from headquarters, which if you actually pay attention to, it can give you valuable information. The letter said the basic info that we all already knew. The cut backs, the business move to the east coast and all that other formal stuff. But, it also said when people would be let go.

It said that the “terminations” would take place during July 22nd to August 22nd. Since the law in California states that your employer has to give you a 60 day notice before termination, one can conclude that the WARN letters will be handed out this week, starting the 22nd.

Last week they were asking everyone what they wanted to do. Be put on the list to possibly stay or be put on the list to be laid off. I chose to be laid off. At least I hope I am. Who knows how much longer the company will last even when the downsize happens. Plus this is a great way to get references and recommendations, plus help with my resume. (They said they would provide it , so I hope they do).

Since then, work has gotten slower and slower. I think that its going to be like this until the place comes down. You know its funny, I was telling a friend, (this might sound morbid, so cover your virgin little ears if you don’t want to hear) but, all those times that you wish your job would come down in flames? (Or was it just me?). This is like that. Not literal of course, but in a way its symbolic, at least for me it is.

Anyway, I got sent home early on Friday because of the lack of work. When I was home my boss texted me and asked if I wanted to stay home for Monday since there was still not going to be any work. I’ve never texted anyone faster in my life when I told her that I would love to stay home. Sucks that I have to go back now though.

So, that’s why I didn’t go to work today. I know, very long unnecessary explanation but I felt the need to elaborate a little. I could have just said that my boss asked if I wanted the day off, but then again, there would be no post, would there? *wink*

Severance

Yesterday, along with all my coworkers, we found out that the company we work for is going to downsize more than half of the employees. We are currently staffed at 150 and they’re goal is to get down to 60 by July. That does not include management, which there are 15 and will go down to 3.

They explained that the company moved to the west coast here in California a while ago to supply the demands of customers here. They thought that by having the business closer to them they would profit and all. That did no work out. So they are moving back to the east coast where headquarters is currently at. There will only be one account left here in California, and the 60 people that remain will be supplying that accounts product.

There are so many questions that people have. They are concerned. I feel them. They have families, car payments, houses they just bought. But I am not that worried. I want to leave that place. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know how much I hate it there. And looking back at it now it all makes sense. The cut backs, the high demand in production, and the excessive firing for dumb stupid reasons.

There will be a pay out. Only a month’s worth, but still, some people are happy about that. Some people can’t wait to collect unemployment. Others, they actually want to be part of the 60 that stay. Nothing is certain. No one knows how they will be electing the people. No one knows when they will start issuing the WARN letters. Technically after they hand you that letter, 60 days from that day will be your last.

I have not heard anything from the job I interviewed at. I was worried before, but now I know that if it was meant to be it would have been. I know I have to keep trying and trying until something comes up. I do not believe in unemployment. Living off the government is not something I am ok with. I know I hate working, but everything I have I have worked for it, I am not one to get things handed to, I don’t do that.

 

But deep down inside. Some where deep deep in there, there is doubt, there is worry, and I fear when it will rise, because when it does. It’s not going to be pretty.


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Job Interview

Good news everyone! I got a freaking job interview!

 

The other day I got an email from a job I honestly had for gotten I had applied to. I looked at the email and examined it in all the ways I could, last time I got an email like this good it turned out it was a scam. But after researching the employer and reading countless articles online I decided that yes, it was an actual interview.

 

The job seems to be easy but some reviews say that its not worth it. There are many fields which are available to work in. I applied to one which you go to a person who is insured with the company and help them with their phone. Seems simple enough. Its better than what I am doing now, so that’s good. The pay is actually very impressive, they also reimburse you for your mileage , so I’m down with that.

 

I had the first interview today actually. It was over the phone and it went pretty well (if I do say so myself). They ask you those normal not too hard questions at the beginning as they always do. Then the person said that I would be moving on to the second interview, which is with the hiring manager. It’s a video meeting so I’m eh about that.

 

I went online to see if I was actually being scammed because obviously this sounds way too good to be true.  But yes this is their process. (I feel like a crazy ex girlfriend spying on her ex’s every move lol). The next step (if the hiring manager likes me) would be a meeting with the rest of the “new hires”, which is basically an orientation type of thing.

 

I’m excited. It’s something new. Its a change and I need and want it right now. The hours are ok, not actually that great, but I’m totally fine with that, I have been working morning shifts for so long that I want to work a little later.

 

I hope I didn’t just jinx it, but if I did at least it gave me something to write about. Anyways, wish me luck and I will be on my way!


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I’ll Do Anything For Money

I feel like I’ve complained enough on here about how much I hate my job. So what’s next?

I was on my way to work today and told my self that’s it, I NEED to look for another job. I know, for any other sane person with a good leveled head, they might have already thought of that idea. Well, guess what? I did too. I tried in the beginning of the year but had no luck.

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Or maybe I did and the job market was pretty slow and low. I don’t know, what I do know is that I’m still freaking working at the same place.

Is it that hard to find a job? It might be. I have a friend who used to work at Kmart, they shut down back in December, and he has been looking for a job ever since. Sure he’s picky as heck but still, it’s almost five months, he should have found soemthing.

I don’t think I have a lot of skills or experience. I’m being brutally honest with myself here. But, I do feel I am useful for something, you know what I mean? I’ll do anything for money. Literally, that’s how much I want to leave my job.

No, but jokes aside, I really need to get my crap together and actually work on my resume and my interview answers, to make it seem that I am normal and worthy of working in a social environment with other humans.

I’d really like to be someone’s assistant. I know for some that’s a little humiliating. But for me I’d be down. Well, as long as my boss is not a total A. But beggars can’t be choosers right?

What I was thinking though. I might take the summer off. Quit my job in early summer and look for a job but also enjoy the summer. Maybe my YouTube channel will take off and I’ll be famous? I’m such a millennial, ugh I hate it.

It’s time to take action. It’s time to move. And it’s time to go places.


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Is There Such A Place ?

Yesterday after vigorously working on cutting some annoying weeds that grew in our front yard I decided to compensate myself with a nice little drink from Starbucks. There’s no other better way to pat yourself on the back right?

Blasted my music as loud as I could handle while driving there, scratch that, as loud as it went. I was freaking pumped, got my car windows tinted on Sunday and it had been a long time dream I had since I bought the car three years ago. Now since it’s paid off, and I know I’m gonna keep it, I decided to treat myself with that. And I love it.

I didn’t want to get off my car, because I’m socially awkward, so I went a little out of my way to go to a Starbucks that had a drive through. Funny thing though, if you ever got your windows tinted you know that you’re not supposed to roll down your windows. Well, my little dumb soul forgot SUNDAY NIGHT and YESTERDAY NIGHT at the Starbucks. Like wtf.

Any who, after that unfortunate event, I decide to just park and consume my Starbucks while listening to music. It was actually really relaxing. It was drizzling just a bit which made it perfect. I’m honestly tired of how much it’s been raining though. We live in California, it’s not supposed to rain here. I like the cold not the rain. Would like to live somewhere where it’s hella sunny but at the same time the wind gives you goosebumps. Is there such a place?

I don’t know where I was going with this post. Maybe it wasn’t meant to go anywhere. It’s just me rambling about nonsense. It’s all good though. The night ended very well. So that’s what counts.