Yesterday

Yesterday was a very eventful day. I took the day off at my first job just to have enough time do do everything I had to do. I have been putting off things for so long that they were catching up to me. Plus, my mom needed to fix some issues with the medical insurance and I wanted to be there.

First we went to her old primary doctor. She’s not her doctor any more but we love her for all the help she provided when my mom was going through the tests for breast cancer. She told us to go to the county hospital to apply for a financial aid for my mothers reconstruction surgery.

Once we went there and filled out all the paper work we got approved . The girl there said that it wouldn’t cover everything but that’s fine what ever helps is good right now. After that I changed my primary care to my moms clinic and her doctor because she’s a pretty good doctor .

Later got a hair cut cause I gotta look fly. Also cooked, cleaned , and did some laundry before heading over to my second job.

I’m glad I had the day off. I did so much things other then the ones I mentioned. Having two jobs is stressful. My time is limited. And sometimes I feel like I can’t go on, but some how I do. And some how I feel like everything will be alright.

Ten Years

Yesterday we went to the oncologist and finally got the results on my mom's breast cancer tissue and what type of cancer it was. I think it was something like invasive carcinoma. She wrote it down on our paper because it was a tricky word. But she said if there was cancer that if you had to have a cancer this one was the one to have. Doctors and their doctors sense of humor.

Basically it's three hormones to feed the cancer cell. So estrogen, progesterone, and HER 2 negative. That's what this type of cancer feeds off. And my mom had the combination of the three. Well don't quote me on this, she has estrogen and progesterone, but she was negative on HER 2 which is a protein or something that controls how healthy breast cells grow, so obviously with out it it's perfect for cancer to grow.

Now that we knew what happened we could find a solution. The doctor said she didn't need to have chemo, which was great news. We didn't want to go through all that pain since it was already hard enough. So she said instead she would just have to take a pill… for ten years.

At first I laughed because I thought she had miss placed her words or she was joking like doctors do, but no, she was serious. It's called Tamoxifen. It's an anti-estrogen hormone. So she said that that will stop them from coming together and forming any other cancer cells on the other breast.

I was looking into the drug and it seems pretty good. The doctor said there's almost a 100% survival rate after five years which is really really great news. The thing is it's a good $100 to get per month. We haven't gone to get it at the pharmacy yet, we will today, I'm hoping that our insurance covers it.


Update, it did. At least for about five months. It has some side effects though. Not that all bad but we just have to keep an eye on her. I'm glad we're getting though this. It has been the toughest year yet for us but some how we managed to get through it. Really makes me smile and feel good to see how strong my family is.

We Will Survive

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. Or have bad juju. Or have the worst luck in the world. Or if I get even more creative, which I have, maybe the guy who is in charge of writing my life in the book of life is just screwing with me and likes watching me suffer. Who knows? It's just a series of unfortunate events and they seem to get worse.

Today we went to the oncologist to see what treatment my mother would need. We thought we were finally going to move forward with this. Once we arrived we waiting more than usual and then once in the room we knew why.

They lost the fucking results. Ok let me explain. We have to see three doctors. The surgen, the oncologist, and the lab people. Apparently, when faxing over all the info or how ever they communicate with each other they lost the results. Well, technically not lost. They said that they are some where but they just don't know where. Hello! Definition of lost here.

The oncologist said they are trying to solve this as soon as possible. I saw the look of frustrating on my moms face and tried to calm her. She's already going through enough for this to happen and I hate seeing her down. It's like life is against us. What are we supposed to do? Roll over and die? Seems like that's what life wants.

No. We will survive. We will get though this. My mom is going to call the surgen and see what she can do. If that paper can not be found then the tissue will have to be tested again to see what type of came it is, hormonal, estrogen related, or something else the Dr. said I didn't really catch. And that testing can last for another couple of weeks.

Of course this happens to us. It's so annoying and I can't be surprised it has. After all that we have gone though what's not to be expected? But my fingers are crossed and if I have to start buying candles, a wand, a cauldron, and chant my way to a better life so help me God I will.

Moving This Mountain 

          Yesterday I took my mom to the doctor. It was time for her staples to come out. It was a little of a wait but when we finally got in they took the staples out. My mom said it didn’t hurt like she thought it was going to. When they were off she said she felt better. But then she looked down. I feel like my heart had just shattered into a million pieces then was set on fire. Looking at her face, seeing how hurt she was. Looking down and seeing what she saw. The scar that was now forming. 

          I put my hand on her shoulder and told her she was strong. Not because she’s my mom, but she is one of the strongest women I know. She felt a little better. I try my best to comfort her as best as I can. I know I can’t make that hurt that she feels go away but I can help her though it. She seems at peace with what happened but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t emotionally hurt still. It changes everything. 

          Like yesterday before we went she wanted to wear a scarf. I asked her why? She told me that she just felt like it. But I knew she just didn’t feel comfortable going out like that. That gave me such a pain in my chest. Knowing she feels that way. That people will look. Jerks. They don’t even know what we have gone through, but it’s the sad truth, they judge. So I let her wear it, and I told her she looked beautiful. 

          We are still trying to move this mountain. It’s hard but here we are. One day at a time. It gives me much joy seeing how she’s returning to herself. Getting up and waking around. Even yelling at my brother and me to make our beds and clean up. I missed her. I missed that part of her. The part that made her my mom. No matter what happened, she’s still my mom. She will always be, and I will always love her, And it makes me happy that with each day that passes by she gets better. Physically and emotional. 

And it will be moved

Emotional Recovery 

            Today we had our first check up since my moms surgery. According to the doctor everything is turning out “beautifully”. Makes me happy to hear that. Although while we were there and they were taking the gauze off I had to help undress my mom. 

            Now, never did I think I would be doing such thing. But, her health is my priority. Once the gauze was off I got to see the wound. It wasn’t a pretty site. It was actually a little unsettling. If I was shaken up about it, I can only imagen how she felt. Like, a part of her, a part that made her her, is now gone. 

            Once the doctor was examining her, I sat there thinking, how would I feel if a part of me was no more? How would you feel? It’s something that you have to kind of train your brain to think about, and also later accept. Then I thought of all the women who get mastectomies and they have to remove both breasts. That must be wicked hard. And I have mad respect for them. If your one of them, you are strong and I am proud of you. 

            If your a guy reading this and you don’t understand because your a cold hearted and closed minded asshole, just picture someone taking one of your balls off, maybe even both. How would you feel? They are part of you. Part of what make you male. So for a women to get a breast or breasts removed is hard. Extremely hard. Because sure they can take your balls off no one would notice. But breasts are pretty visible. 

            Anyway, the doctor said there might not even be any need for chemo, but that would be up to the oncologist. We have to make an appointment to see him soon. 

            I could tell that my mom was shaken up about seeing her wound. She said she didn’t want to see it but she did anyway. I hugged her and encouraged her the most that I could. Got her to see the bright side of all this. This is all for the better and her health is the most important thing. She cheered up a bit once I started making my little jokes, I like to see her smile. 

            Now, hopefully we are on the path of recovery. I have to find some exercises for her arm so it won’t stiffen up. Also maybe a bra that will get her self estime up a little. I know this isn’t easy for her and I want to make it as easy and as painless as I can. Even though it’s a lot of physical recovery I feel that there will also be a lot of emotional recovery, and I will be there every step of the way to make it better.  

Hole In The Bag

            So, it has been a week since my mother’s surgery and I can say she’s doing really well. It’s nice to see her smiling and laughing . A lot of her church friends have come to lend they’re support and to also bring food and what not. I’m great full for that. The elders from the congregation have not yet came to see her which I think that’s pretty fucked up. If you are supposed to take care of your “flock” and one of your “sheep” is hurting and needs words of encouragement they are the ones that should be here first . But then again this congregation is full of hypocrisy. But which one isn’t right? That’s the definition of religion. 

            Tomorrow I return to work but only for a couple of hours since I have to take my brother to the doctor and then later also my mom for her check up . I was planning on going back on Thursday and Friday but I feel That I should also take those to days off and just start a fresh new week next week. I know I’m the sole provider but I really want to be here for my mom. 

             I had a mini fight with (my only church/real life friend) which left me feeling guilty . We have a visit at church from someone important and he wanted me to go. I told him I wanted to stay home with my mom. But he took it soon himself to call some people so they would take care of my mom and I would go. That made me upset because it’s not his decision weather I go to church of not. Yes, he’s probably worried about my spiritually but still. He apologized and we said good night. And that was the end of it. 

            After that I felt like I just didn’t have anyone who really understood me. So what do you do when you have only one friend and your mad at that friend so you literally can’t talk to anyone about your problems? You go online and you talk to strangers. Look, it was late and I was irritated, at the moment it sounded like the best idea. And I actually found some guy who lives in Mississippi. Not that that’s close by but still. We talked for two hours then I fell asleep. I haven’t talked to him yet today but maybe later on. Again, I’m usually not the one who reaches out first. 

            I’m feeling overwhelmed just a little bit I can’t let that get to me right now. I just have to find a way to distract myself from everything that’s going on or else my marbles will be lost. 

48 Hours 

             In the past 48 hours I have cried, laughed, and puked my guts out. It’s been really difficult. I never thought it would be this hard. I can only imagine what my mother must be feeling. This is at the same time devastating but at the same time it’s good that it has happened. 

             We woke up yesterday more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I almost had to talk myself into believing that what was going on was actually a reality and not just another fucked up screwed up dream. I kept thinking to myself, maybe this isn’t what’s supposed to happen. And it’s not. No one should ever go through this, and I’m sorry if you have. I understand and I feel your pain. I, myself, had never felt anything like this before. 


             Watching my mom lay on the hospital bed crushed my soul. I felt scratching and tearing in my throat like a bear clawing it’s way out of it’s cave from hibernation. Like a big ball of fire. I wanted to push all the nurses away and yell at them that what they were doing was wrong, she couldn’t go through this. 


            Once she was given something to relax she felt better. If only I would have been givin something similar. She was so relaxed because she even fell asleep. But she was still in a state of consciousness, because when I saw her like that so peaceful and sound asleep, I started to cry, and she said, “it’s going to be ok”. Which made me cry even harder. 

            How could something like this happen to a person like her? How could this happen to anyone?  She didn’t deserve to pass though this. No one actually does. It’s so humiliating. But the nurses and the doctor were so kind which made verything feel way better. But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. All the tears came flying out like bullets patiently awaiting to be propelled by the pull of the trigger.

              I was with her for about three hours before she had to go into the surgery. I didn’t want to leave her side. I almost ran back and asked if they were sure we weren’t dreaming. Maybe it had been a mistake? But it was real, and it felt so real. It’s still does. Because it is. Once I stepped out to the lobby I saw all our friends there. 

             If I would have stayed there I would have cried to death in front of them, and I had to be strong for my brother, and also for me. So I went outside. Got some food and came back to thank them once I had gotten it all together. Their heart warming words almost tore me apart. They were nice but they kept reminding me how unfair life was. 

            Then, about two hours later, I got called that she had come out and everything was fine. I almost ran to the recovery room. The nurses that were there were also very supportive. Reassuring me that everything turned out great and she was going to be fine. I told everyone else and they were happy to hear that just as I. 

            They took her to her room. Where we sat together for an hour before she decided she was ready for visits. Then they came, brought her a nice card, and some roses. I thought that was really thoughtful. But it’s what you always do right? I just wasn’t waiting for it. 



           We told the nurse if we could stay, my brother, my friend (Gabriel), and his aunt, who is out neighbor over night. The nurse said it would be a problem. The night gave us more highs and lows. I couldn’t stand seeing my mom in pain and not being able to do anything. The nurse was very kind and was always asking if she needed more medicine. 

             Once we got through the night she felt better in the morning. We went out to eat around 8 AM. When we came back I had a killer migraine. Then I started feeling nausea. I had eaten a salad. But soon it had came back shooting straight back out. Went to a pharmacy next door to get pain pills and they worked for the headache but I still puked some later on. . 

             She was released around 2:30pm today. The drive back was excruciating because every little bump in the road was like hell for her. Once she was settled in her bed, I took Gabriel home and headed for her pills. I had to wait an hour but I got the chance to buy her hand sanitizer and a neck pillow. Also a cute little stuffed dog. 


            Now, we are on the road to recovery. I’m glad the surgery is over but I hate seeing my mom like this. She is a strong, independent, caring, innocent, loving, kind, warmhearted woman who has done the impossible to raise me and my brother. She will get through this. She will get better, and she will be better. Because she is my mom. And I know she can do the impossible. 

She Deserves The World 

             The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my mothers surgery. How does she feel? How do I feel? It’s pretty much a conjunction of feelings all wrapped up into a ball, something along the lines of a rubber band ball. Remember those? 

             My mom is scared of going down. She’s afraid the doctors will put her under for too long and she might not come back. I try comforting her by telling her that the doctors know what they’re doing, but I’m not going to lie,  I’m hell of nervous as well. 

             We are getting a lot of support though. It’s nice to see what people who actually care about you will do for you. Our neighbors and our landlords are being very supportive. Some of my moms friends will also go with us tomorrow. Gabriel will be there. He insisted he wanted to go. I told him it was fine. 

I have been group chatting with Eli and Jenny on Snapchat. They have been sharing funny pics here na dthere in the efforts to make me happy or cheer me up. At least that’s what I feel, or take away from it. It’s nice if them. But they haven’t asked me about my mom which kind of bothers me. I gave them the date, they should at least say something supportive, even if it’s cheesy I’ll talked it at this point. But maybe they will tomorrow, who knows? 

             Right now I feel on both sides. I feel like everything will go fine. Then again, I feel that something will go wrong. Stupid doubt. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Nervous out of my mind, but I’m trying to keep the up most positive attitude. It’s draining to say the least. 

             It sucks that this is happing. I know, we might not deserve the world, but we most certainly do not deserve this. Especially my mother. She does actually deserve the world. Everyone we have told said that if they can’t go that they will keep us in their prayers. I appreciate that. I too will pray my heart out. 

Every Single Dark Thing 

             I did it. I finally told my friends what was going on. From my moms cancer to my work/immigration related problems. I felt guilty. That I was blocking them out. That I wasn’t talking to them. And maybe deep down I thought that they could help me. In a way. So I wrote a very long letter. 

             I explained everything. How it all started, how I felt, how I feel they should have tried harder to talk to me. Every single dark thing I was feeling. I wrote it down. Then sent it through group chat. It was very relieving. But at the same time I was scared to death. 

             But all of this was because of Moneque. I saw her today before she leaves for Alaska. She just came back from a rave in Vegas. She’s everywhere. And somehow we are supper close, yet not best friends. You know that person who you don’t see very often, yet you have this unspoken connection and will bare all too? Yeah her. 

             I told her  everything and she listened. She told me that I should just tell them also. What else did I have to lose? I was slowly losing them anyway. And they were slowly losing me. 

             So now I’m waiting for a response. What will they say? Will they blame me? Will they apologize for not trying hard enough? For not asking what was going on? Or will they ignore me just as I had ignored them? 

Pointless 

            This week has been full of emotions. I wish I could say good ones but life has taught me other wise. And with my feet not letting me run just makes me more depressed. 

             Monday wasn’t too bad. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening that day. All except Jose, Human Resources substitute, told me that they need my I-9 form (employment eligibility). I haven’t received anything from immigration. I called them Wednesday, asking what’s going on. I guess they are backed up. I also couldn’t get an extension. So basically tomorrow my permit expires. I won’t be illegal though since my application is submitted, I just can’t work. 

Which is just as horrible. No work no money. And with my mom having cancer and all it’s just all so stressful. 

            I gave my receipts that I got from immigration to Jose as proof that I wasn’t lying that I did everything and now am just waiting for the card in the mail. So he said he would run that through the HR manager and see if I could still work. He never called me back. So I don’t really know if I should show up on Monday. It would be embarrassing to just go and then be asked to leave. 

            The drive home from work yesterday was very emotional. I couldn’t hold in my tears. Thinking of how we were going to go on in life. How unfair life is. Cancer, no job, no money, then what the fuck am I suppose to do? Once I got home I cleared my tears and walked in the door like nothing had happened. Told my mom that I really didn’t know what was going on, if they would let me work or not. 

             Later in the evening our landlord and his wife came over and talked about our situation. He said we wouldn’t have to pay next months rent. That helps a lot. 

            Still, no call from Jose. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t know how to tell me that I can’t go back. I understand though. 

             I hate life. I really do. I wish I could be more positive and look on the bright side or beyond some things but it’s so fucking hard. I look both ways and all I see is pain. Why? It’s getting really tiring. Even talking about it, writing about it, doesn’t even help. It’s pointless. Everything is pointless. 

            Elizabeth group messaged Jennifer and I on Snapchat. Something about best friends day. Jennifer suggested we go to her house and hang out. Seeing as I haven’t seen her in  four months I couldn’t. I really wish they knew what was going on, and even if they didn’t at least pretend that they care. I miss them. 

            Now I have no clue what we will do to survive. How will we pay bills? How will we buy food? How will I take my mom for her surgery, and chemo treatments? How will we pay rent? How will we ever get by?