It is official. On July 25th of this year, I will be unemployed.
They finally took us out of the dark last Thursday and gave us all the letters that some were dreading and some where waiting for. There were a lot of rumors going around about what was going on and what would be happening with all the changes made up until the termination date.
There was only one department saved from the mass lay off of the company. Lucky them. Some people in other departments didn’t see that as being fair, but the reason that they are staying is that they are already working in the only place where the company is still make its money, and will continue after the lay off.
We had two options. Willingly say that we want to be in the group to be let go, get a severance pay and also collect unemployment. Or say that we wanted to stay and then wait until they decide if they needed us or not.
For now, I need to work on my resume. I wont be jumping into the first job that I am able to get. (If I can even get a job). I really want to get a job I am at least ok with. I have only had jobs that I have hated and its only done me really wrong. This time I need to be smart and actually get a job that I want and not need.
I know it can be hard. Getting a job you actually want is very rare. First you have to look for what you want. Then you have to make sure its a good fit for you, a smart choice. You also have to see if you can even qualify for the job, not to mention all the interviews that you have to go through. Those are tough and extremely overwhelming.
In my entire working life I have only had three jobs where I have had to interview for. The first one was really easy. It was for a fast food place. I don’t see how even I could have screwed that up. And I didn’t, so I go that job. At the job that I have now I had help because I was thrown in there by a work agency, but then later when I applied for a position I wanted, I got it. I only did because I knew the supervisor that was interviewing. The other job I interviewed for and got was at a call center. I was recommended, so there was a certain confidence that I carried with me in there which I believe got me that job.
The only thing that sucks about interviews is when you don’t get the job after. But I am getting ahead of myself with that. First I have to find a job that I like, and for that, I have to know what I want. At the moment, I don’t.
Today I didn’t want to get up, oh boy didn’t I want to get up! I woke up early as hell. I don’t even know why, just opened my eyes looked at the time and was like dam it. Tried going back to sleep but got stressed I wouldn’t wake up. I still got up and went to work.
On my way to work I almost cried. I was on the verge of tears the whole ride there. I almost drove off the road and crashed just to avoid the fact that I had to go to work. I regretted even getting up in the first place, I wanted to turn back time and just call off.
As soon as I got to work, my mood changed. I have no idea where it went, who took it, or how I came to stumble upon a better mood. But it just happened.
I think it was my I don’t care attitude. I just didn’t care. What ever happened, I didn’t care. getting yelled at? I didn’t care. My boss being her usual annoying self? I didn’t care. It saved me a huge head ache. Not caring about anything really saves you energy.
But it sucks that I still have to work here. I swear I don’t care about it. I’m not even trying anymore. I’m just a body, I’m just a number in that place.
I forgot where I was going with this. Maybe I just wanted to rant. Or maybe I just wanted to let a little bit of frustration out. One of my friends says that I’m not fine. I told him that I am. I’m peachy. I’m wonderful. Aside form work I don’t have any other complaints. I don’t care about work.
I have fallen off the wagon regarding food as I said in my last post. But I have also lost track of sleep. I haven’t been going to work for a week so naturally someone would say that I would be sleeping in. But I haven’t been. I go to sleep late and wake up early to go pick up my brother since he works graveyard.
He works for a very famous company that is in the news recently for raising their minimum wage to fifteen dollars. He was very excited to hear that. I was actually very excited to hear that as well. He works really hard and they push them hard too. They set goals for them and they have to meet them or even go above and beyond them. Which he does.
But, back to my headache. Oh wait I didn’t mention that, well I’ve had a headache all day today. I know it’s the lack of sleep and not eating right is a big contributor to that as well. I’ve taken many pain pills throughout the day but nothing has happened, I know what I really need is to sleep.
I was also thinking about work. I go back in exactly in a week. How is it possibly that even now, a week away, I still can’t find myself ready to go back? I like being home. I like being with my family. Yesterday I even went to a friends house randomly just to hang out.
Talking to another friend we were thinking of ways we could make money without working and we came up with nothing, because technically that would be impossible. To make money you have to work, and to make a lot of money you have to work harder. But how can you make money and then grow money? Because obviously just working at a regular job always making the same amount of money isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Am I being too greedy? Seems like this has been a recurring theme in my blog. Get money. But don’t we all want what we don’t have?
Well, one of my jobs to be more exact. It was liberating. I felt free. Unstoppable.
Ok, maybe I didn’t feel that great but I did feel some sort of relief. I didn’t call. I didn’t show up. In a way it felt like skipping school. At times, I thought to myself, at this part of the day I would be doing this certainthing at work.
When my mother woke up and saw me laid in bed she asked me if my alarms had not gone off. Or if I just hadn’t felt well enough to go to work. I told her no, I quit.
You should have seen her face. I’ve never seen someone so happy to hear those words, I quit. She smiled a warm smile placed her hand on my knee. She even told me that with God everything is possible and not to worry about bills.
I know I don’t like my moms religious side. But that comment. Those words, just got to me. I felt good. I felt great about quitting. Who said quitters never win? I had won.
I did call my former employer (feels good to say that). I told them I would no longer be coming in. The manager told me matter-of-factly, “oh, we figured that.”
That was sort of rude. I guess it showed how much I hated being there. There are something’s that are just to hard to fake.
Will I miss any coworkers there? Probably not. I didn’t get too close to anyone. I tried not to. Why get attached when your going to leave them in the past? I know I’ll be the hot topic for a while though. I know I would have been talking smack if someone quit all of a sudden as I did.
So here’s to a new journey. Less stress. And less micromanagement.
I’m sitting here in a room I don’t want to be in. Tapping on keys and looking into a computer when I could instead be having fun with my best friend. It’s The Weekend. It’s the time where everyone should be out having fun. Doing important things with family. Spending time with people that actually mean something, not sitting in room full of nobodies.
I could literally get up, grab my things, and leave and never come back. This is my second job. I got this job to help me out with the bills. But is it worth it? I ask myself every time I come here. Is it worth the stress? Is it worth the time I miss out with family and friends?
It’s frustrating going back and forth in what I want. Do I want to be here? Do I need the money? What will happen when I quit?
When I first go here today I put it in my head that tomorrow I wasn’t going to show up. I wasn’t going to show up, call, or do anything. I was so mind set into just abandoning this job. But now, as I think more rationally, I find it hard to believe I could do that.
Is it bad? Or is it spontaneous? Will it affect me later? I don’t know. I just know that I need to stop. Working two jobs, paying bills, being The Man, is really fucking tiring. Can I take anymore of it? I’m not happy. I want to be happy. And as funny as it sounds, not working makes me happy.