BOOM

It’s been a couple of weeks. Not much has happened, but what has, you could say, is a lot within itself. Plus some of my favorite demons are back, as if they were ever invited. Let’s start off with the good first.

I celebrated my first Halloween in public this year. I had gone to a party one time but it was small, less then ten people were there. This time it was for school. Not much of a big deal I know, but there was a potluck and some of us dressed up. I had the time of my life. Plus we watched Hocus Pocus. I had watched it with my boyfriend a couple weeks before, but it was still nice watching it again in class, I felt like a little kid again.

My weekends have still been amazing. My boyfriend and I have only the weekend to enjoy each others company and we try to do the best to make it the best of times. What I truly just want is to spend time with him. We could stare at a wall together and I’d still be content, more than content, I’d be ecstatic.

This week has a been a hard one. My first issue I know is just me in my head. I spend Sunday night over at his house. But Monday morning I felt down. Like something was wrong like something wasn’t feeling right. I don’t know what it was. Everything was fine, I enjoyed the time I had been with him all weekend. We were still doing ok. We weren’t fighting about anything. But, there it was, that feeling of unease. What was it?

Later that day I took my moms car to get a transmission oil change because it was long over do. It has been making a weird noise already that started a couple of days before. On my way back, BOOM. The transmission blew out right in the middle of the street. I was mortified. Scared, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know anything about cars. Some douche bag stopped next to me only to yell at me to get out of the street.

I let gravity pull me down to a gas station that was right next to where I had stopped. We had to call a tow to take it home because the car just didn’t want to budge. I tried to keep my calm but it was hard. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. It felt humiliating? I’m still trying to locate that feeling and put it where it belongs but it was just so wrong. I was frustrated.

The next day one of my moms friends checked it and he said that the transmission was no good anymore and he would fix it, but it would take him 3 week. Great.

To add on to the hot mess of this week, I have been called Unemployment to see if I got the extension for school and all I get is a stupid machine. I feel like the world is out to get me. The damn week isn’t even over and I’m really annoyed by how it started.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of feelings going on in my brain right now and its all a mess. I haven’t really had a week like this in months. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to feel down.

I constantly tell my friends that they should feel good, they should be happy, and things will get better. But its hard when I’m the one going through shit.

When Superman is feeling down, who helps him up?

Is There Such A Place ?

Yesterday after vigorously working on cutting some annoying weeds that grew in our front yard I decided to compensate myself with a nice little drink from Starbucks. There’s no other better way to pat yourself on the back right?

Blasted my music as loud as I could handle while driving there, scratch that, as loud as it went. I was freaking pumped, got my car windows tinted on Sunday and it had been a long time dream I had since I bought the car three years ago. Now since it’s paid off, and I know I’m gonna keep it, I decided to treat myself with that. And I love it.

I didn’t want to get off my car, because I’m socially awkward, so I went a little out of my way to go to a Starbucks that had a drive through. Funny thing though, if you ever got your windows tinted you know that you’re not supposed to roll down your windows. Well, my little dumb soul forgot SUNDAY NIGHT and YESTERDAY NIGHT at the Starbucks. Like wtf.

Any who, after that unfortunate event, I decide to just park and consume my Starbucks while listening to music. It was actually really relaxing. It was drizzling just a bit which made it perfect. I’m honestly tired of how much it’s been raining though. We live in California, it’s not supposed to rain here. I like the cold not the rain. Would like to live somewhere where it’s hella sunny but at the same time the wind gives you goosebumps. Is there such a place?

I don’t know where I was going with this post. Maybe it wasn’t meant to go anywhere. It’s just me rambling about nonsense. It’s all good though. The night ended very well. So that’s what counts.

Car Maintenance

The best thing about having a car is driving it and having the freedom of going where ever you desire (I mean as long as its in a working condition and you have gas money). The worst thing about it, having to do maintenance on it.

I’m currently at a tire shop. Funny story, I made an appointment for a different tire shop but came to this one because my brain isn’t wired correctly.  They couldn’t find my appointment until the nice associate asked me if I was at the correct store. OMG I felt so dumb but she was super nice and made me feel as if it wasn’t even my fault. That’s what I call costumer service. The best. (Americas Tire, is where I went) #notsponsered I just really love them.

The first time I was here they changed my tires very fast and they were super nice.

Now, back to the whole issue with maintenance. I hate it. I absolutely, HATE buying things for my car. I know, I’m weird.  Sorry. But, the reason being is that I just paid off my car and I want all that money to myself. Sue me. I’m greedy, what else is knew.

Also, I feel like I treat my car very well so it should do the same to me, you know? But it being an inanimate object that’s going to be a stretch. Any way, my car is ready, so I have to go. Gonna go burn some rubber …lol..jk….no I would never.


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I Will Not Break

I’m sitting in a target parking lot. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m highly stress, but I refuse to to let anyone know. I refuse to step down from where I am and say that I am not ok. I refuse to have people pity me and feel sorry for everything that is going on in my life.

My mother goes into an intensive ten hour surgery this Friday. It has high risks and it also has benefits. Not to mention her car just broke down today.

Life is testing me. I will not break. I am strong. I refuse to cry. I am not weak.

I’ve been through so much that this just seems like another hill. I’m not cocky, this is not confidence. This is me telling myself that I can do it. That whatever this is will soon be over. Good or bad it will have I happen and I will have to move on.

You’re Doing Good For Yourself

It’s Friday, I have officially made it through yet another week. I have to say I’m proud of myself. I have accomplished a lot, not only this week but throughout life.

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday, she was explaining to me how she thinks she needs to get her life together. I responded with of course “your talking to the wrong person because I don’t have my life together.”

She went on to say that I shouldn’t be thinking that way. She reminded me that I have two jobs and I am paying for the bills and also paying my car. Her exact statement was, “most people still live with their parents but still have the parents pay for the rent, but their food, and drive a 1990’s car, you’re doing good for yourself.

I have to admit, hearing al that made me feel really good. Like no one is usually tells that I’m doing good. I feel like I’m not doing enough and hearing her say these things makes me feel that I’m doing just enough. I give my all to this one life I was given and it’s really nice when even if it’s just one person, notices.