Naive

I am naive.

I never thought I could be but I am. It’s funny how the ones that say they will never be fooled, are the fools that are fooling themselves, it’s a plot twist not even I saw coming.

All this time I have been walking this earth not knowing how foolish I have become. Believing in things that will never happen. Believing in people that will never change. Believing that a simpler time for me is just ahead. Believing in dreams.

You know when you speak to someone, or even in movies, and they tell you, “you can’t change people.” It’s honestly true. The thing that you don’t know is that, you on your own have to discover that you can’t change people, stop, they won’t change.

They are going to be who ever they want to be no matter what. No matter how much you tell them something bothers you, no matter how much you ask them to treat you differently, they will always act and be who ever the fuck they want to be. And why should they change for you? Even if you were to change something about yourself for them, they would over look it.

I know this is part of growing up, realizing this, a part of life. But it doesn’t make me feel any much less of a loser.

A loser in many different aspects. Loser of time. loser of energy. And even a loser of faith. Just a loser.

Just Be Yourself

Why you should be yourself all the time.

That’s a fun statement, while I was typing it up I was thinking to myself, ugh hopefully who ever reads this isn’t a douche bag or just flat out annoying.

I have a strong belief that everyone should be who they are. Authentic. This comes at a price though, because some people are just plain assholes. (If you’re an asshole please leave, there’s no need for you to read on or even be yourself).

Sometimes we get lost in trying to be who we aren’t for people we want to impress. Why should you have to change yourself to be liked? If you have to change yourself maybe you need to sit back and think about who you are trying to change for. Maybe that’s what you need to change.

I struggled with this all my life. I wrote about it in the previous post. Its OK to change something about you that you know people don’t like. Maybe they don’t like how mean you are, maybe you’re too upfront.

You can’t use the excuse, this is who I am, I’m just real like this if they get offended they get offended. Ok sure, but hey if you look around and you barely have any friends or people are always bailing on you, maybe you need to tone down that “realness”. I mean props for being the best you that you can be, but you can do better. Have some common sense and grow some empathy.

You can be who you want to be without hurting others. Yes people get upset because you don’t think the same way you do, but there’s a difference between intentionally hurting people and people not liking you just because they don’t like something about you or your opinions, then that’s on them.

Now that I have started this new life trying to please only myself I have started to enjoy it more. I can talk to my friends without being scared, without tiptoeing around things. I meet new people and I don’t put on this facade that I am great and that they should love me.

I love myself. That’s all I need. Self love is so hard to achieve now a days with all the trolls every where, and people trying to tell you what’s right and wrong. Just be yourself, go after what you want. Don’t stop just because some one tells you that you can’t make it. Yes you can.

I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

Change

Life changes so much it’s crazy. And sometimes those changes are good, and sometimes they’re not. People come and go out if your life just as more come in. Sometimes you’re surrounded by them and others you don’t know who to turn to.

This year for me has been filled with changes. From losing friends to meeting new ones. Being in relationships to breaking up and having a heart broken. Not to mention everything going on with my mother’s surgery.

To me, change is good. Change is an opportunity to learn new things and to also grow. Plus, I get really tired of always doing the same routine over and over again.

Recently I’ve been feeling like I need change. More in specific regarding my work. I don’t hate it, it’s not hard, and it’s not a terrible job. I work in a very decent place and everything is fine. But is it bad that I want to change that? I want to change it for something better.

I want to grow, I want to expand, and maybe even pursue my dream. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t see myself working at my job the rest of my life. I know a lot of people think that way but no one actually does anything to change it.

But I will.

I Don’t Want To Be Boring

I’m sitting at work currently day dreaming of a better place. I know in my last post I was talking about living on the beach. The thing is that I feel like I need change in my life. I have been doing the same routine for a while and I’m feeling bored.

Its most likely just me. But still, do you wake up every morning ready to go do the same boring shit every day? That’s what I feel I do. I know I shouldn’t be complaining and technically I’m not, I’m just venting, a lot of other people would love to be doing what I do or at least be in the position that I am now.

But, is it wrong to want change? Is It wrong to want to be doing something different? I want to learn new things and go to unfamiliar places. Is it wrong to want to aspire to be more than what I am now?

Most people would most likely say that I should go back to school and get a degree and work hard to get an excellent job and live life like everyone else on this planet. But, dude like did you even read what I just wrote. I don’t want to be boring!

Not that my life is that boring, it’s really not but the day to day, work, and everything in between is just so bland. I need adventure, I need excitement, I need change.

Got My Dolla

Money moves people. If I ask you to help me cross the street you would probably say, it’s not that hard to cross the fucking street bruh. But if were to give you 5,000 dollars in cash and ask you for help, you would probably stop traffic for me and more. Truth?

My job in logistics is going through a employer change and people are demanding a raise in order to stay. Some people have already left, some have already been hired.

I will be one of the last ones to be hired and I’m not salty about that. It’s cool, I get to observe carefully how and what’s going on.

For example, some people got offered a 10 cent raise. And like a little kid offered a simple lollipop they said yes. I ain’t about that life. Maybe it’s the Cardi B in me or my strive to be more but I said hell nah.

I saw the general manager, a chance, an opportunity and I took it. I talked to him. Told him I do way to much to be offered just some piece of shit offer. I saw he was surprised buy my boldness. And trust me, I’m not a stand-up-for-yourself kind of person.

But for once I did what I had to do and I got my dolla.

Watch Me

I got the job! Well let me explain. Should have written this before buuuuut. Anyway I had an interview at a answering phone service and they really liked me, like really liked me. I think I was possessed by a charming charismatic ghost because I blew them away.

I think it’s a new me. It’s time for a new me. Hey if Taylor Swift can reinvent herself and come back like the bad ass that she is why cant I? I think that’s my new gaol.

Be more outspoken, more spontaneous, louder, be less timid. I am an incredible person inside and I feel like the world should see that. Although, yes, it will take time to develop the skills and all but I know I can accomplish it. Watch me.


In other news. My typing is getting better. Also one more week to Sequoia and I’m freaking the fuck out! I know I say how much I want to go and it’s getting repetitive and all and it’s all true like I can’t stop thinking about it. I wish that I could stay longer there and see more because one day won’t be enough but I will make the most of it.

Earlier today, my uncle and aunt came to visit from out of town. They are from my dads side of the family but they still really care about my mom, and us. They came to see how she was doing with the whole cancer thing. And she’s actually doing great. They just left a while ago. They took us out to eat and it was delicious. Sizzler.

Any who I feel like I haven’t been on here for years and I hate that. What’s going to happen when I start my second job? Well, I make time for it for sure, because I love writing. Wow this post is all over the place it doesn’t even make sense. K bye.