Maybe This Could Work

It’s been a wild couple of days. From losing my job to getting back together with my ex, all the way to getting called by an old married “friend”, only to have a fling.

I know. Hang in there. There’s more.

I hope now that I have more time on my hands I can manage a way to write more, like I used to. Of course back then I had a lot to write about. Now as days go by, things happen, I sit here and think to myself, should I even write about this? To me some of the things are irrelevant. Or maybe I just don’t want to talk about them. Who knows?

Nonetheless, last Thursday was my last day at work. Everyone who was leaving that day was excited out of their mind. Well, more like just out of their mind, to be more accurate. We all just wanted to leave. Get our money and get out.

Which is what happened. We went in, signed some papers, release forms and some legal documents, and then we hit the door like the building was catching on fire.

Most of the coworkers leaving that day decided to go out to eat. I’m not a big fan of them, or Big social gatherings in general, so I dipped. Instead I went with another close coworker to a Casino. She won a couple 20’s. Then she bought me lunch.

I really need to work on my spending, but I’ll put a pin in that thought for now.

Then came the weekend. The Jehovah witness had their convention. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically a gathering of many many JW congregations in an auditorium where they sit through almost 7 hours of bible topic talks with a lunch break in the middle. I know it sounds insane, but it’s really not that bad.

I had promised my mom and girlfriend I’d go a couple weeks ago. I told them also that just because I was attending did not mean I was reinstating myself back into the religion.

I wanted to see old friends. I wanted to be there for my mom and my girlfriend as well. I did it for them. I’ll admit it. The days went by really fast. I even saw some people that I was friends with since my childhood.

It was mostly about love. Actually, entirely about love. How to show your love for others and ect ect. They’re trying their best to understand why I’m not going. That’s their way of “showing love”. I respect that.

Saturday I went to dinner with my girlfriends family and other family/friends. It was awkward. He just got baptized that day. (Which means, when you have basic knowledge of the Bible principles and rules you can get baptized into the religion if you’re going to now live your life based on said rules and principles). I hadn’t seen him for months ever since I left the religion. He pulled me to the side and asked if I was ok. I told him I was doing great. It was awkward, and really a waste of my time. He said to take care and be strong. Hypocrite. 20 minutes later as I sat next to his daughter, my girlfriend, he texts her to get up and sit somewhere that is not next to me. But she doesn’t. And the night goes on.

I have an issue with this. Sorry to get all religious here but this is where my brain clashes with the religion. They say all choices they make come from god or whatever, and that every action that the Elders of the congregation do is approved by the Holy Spirit. So in other words, (just to get this correct,) the Holy Spirit approved this man to be baptized? God allowed this man to become part of His congregation, His “holy organization”? My understanding is that when you get baptized, you are leaving behind your old ways. You’re not perfect no, but you live your life the best possible way or closest you can according to the Bible principals. But here is this man, who is violent in nature, hits and verbally abuses women, his own family, and has an ego so big, I find it hard to comprehend, gets approved to be a son of God?

I spoke to my mom about this. She didn’t think it was right either. But she said we can’t question gods plan. It’s happening for a reason.

Heres my other dilemma. (Because I have many). Why does it always have to be God’s plan when we can’t understand something ? If it’s going great “praise the lord!! It’s all the lord!!” But when things in this religion aren’t going right, something feels off, “it’s gods plan. We can’t see it now, but he’s doing everything for a reason. Don’t question it!” What type of bullshit is that?

I’ll stop here because I don’t want to get into it that much again.

These past couple of weeks. Maybe about more than a month now. All the time I’ve been spending with my girlfriend. All the texts, the phone conversations, eating out, having her body so close to mine. Sometimes I don’t want to let go. I don’t want her father to ruin it for us. I don’t want the religion to either.

They have this dumb rule. When there is a female and a male present, there should be a third party so there is no sin committed. I hate that rule. I need privacy. I want to spend some time alone with her . Doesn’t mean we’re going to go out and have sex everywhere and anywhere. There’s a little no huge thing called consent that plays a big role in this.

The religion was a huge part of my life. I’m not an activist. I’m not going to go around saying, “don’t do it, don’t be in there.” That’s not my job. If that’s what you want to do that’s cool. Just make sure it’s what you actually want to do. And you’re doing it because you want to, not because you’re being told to.

I told my girlfriend that the other day. She said she had a lot of respect for me. She said she’d also respect my decision in not going back.

Maybe this could work.

Maybe.

The Mental Are Flaky

I did it. I saved the friendship, once again. I hate saying it like that because it makes me sound as if I think I’m all that, and I’m not, I’m just stating the facts. Ok, now that definitely made me sound full of myself.

I texted my best friend yesterday morning. I asked him if things were just going to stay like this. Giving each other the silent treatment and only speaking indirectly to each other. I wanted to know because honesty, at the point of my life that I am at right now, I don’t have time or energy to be playing this high school frenemies BS. If we’re just not gonna get passed this then let me know so I can move on with my life, you know what I mean? If we are, then, we are. That’s that.


I went to church last night. I know I’ve been moody and under the weather lately, and more and more people have picked up on it more than ever. They say that they are worried and part of me wants to believe them. At the end of the day they know me and I want to believe that they care.

An Elder of the congregation pulled me aside last night and asked if he and another Elder could have a talk with me. I already knew what was coming. I’ve been through these talks so many times. I already knew word for word what they were going to say.

I fluctuate heavily with my spirituality. I can go one day from being best friends with God and the next to being the cup bearer of Satan. That’s just the way it is sometimes. I can’t help it. And I told them that, not in that exact way. But they got the picture. They told me it wasn’t normal. I told them to check my track record, surely they’d see it. Either way, they told me what I already knew.

Although, let me just rant on here for a sec ok? Ok. Well, he did say that Sunday when I didn’t go, I was assigned “sound”. (Yes, if your baptized you have what they call “privileges”. You are assigned these tasks that you have to do around the church. They change periodically). Since I didn’t go, and allegedly, the main guy didn’t go either, the whole thing started 3 minutes late. Ok sue me. Big deal.

The thing that bothers me is this; telling someone that they were to blame for something not happening when they were not ok mentally. Sure yesterday I was crawling out of the black hole I’d fallen into, but what if I still was in it?

I’m sorry SIIIIIIR, let me put my mental freaking issues aside so you all can carry on with your service, because there’s no one left on this earth who can possibly click ONE FREAKING GOD DAMM BUTTON to turn ON a freaking mic, forgive me for being sooooo problematic and irresponsible.

Glad that’s out there.

Oh, don’t even get me started. (My mind just did the fasted U- turn right now you don’t even know). This dude (the Elder) texted me Sunday saying they’re worried and blah blah ect ect right? I told him sure I’m fine. Then he said he’s glad or whatever, then he asked me if I was going to go to yesterday. I thought, oh wow that’s cool he does want me to be there that’s nice. So I get there yesterday (I know it sounds grammatically incorrect but stick with me here), and I walk in and another Elder tells me I will be reading out of a book (it’s for a book study we do every week, some new guy reads weekly), it was my turn apparently.

So then I thought. OHHHHHH you son of a witch. He was covering his butt. I’m assuming he thought I wasn’t going so he would have to look for a replacement since he knew it was my turn to read. God knows the mental are flaky. But I digress.

Things are changing now. But it’s different this time. I can’t explain it. But eh.

Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.

My Filthy Ungodly Homosexual Life

This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. They don’t live close so every chance they get when they pass by or are in town they come to visit. They live about two hours away. There’s something that bugs me though every time they come.

They are very religious and he is an Elder. (Which is like a big deal in the church world). We are technically in the same religion as they are but I haven’t came out yet. Though on the side in secret I live my filthy, ungodly, homosexual life. They don’t know that. You could say that it’s kind of like two life’s kind of thing but don’t judge me because you’re not in my shoes and it’s easier to point fingers.

Anyway, this happens every time but this time it was more than usual. God hates fags. Well, that’s not what they actually said but that was the message they relayed or at least what I understood.

I don’t know how it started but someone commented on how Satan (the devil don’t know if you know him but he lives underground apparently tormenting gay souls) is trying to bring everyone to “the dark side” and how we have to be more careful then ever in these times of oversexual lust days.

Then they said how (in their tiny tiny town) some young teen left the religion because of his degrading and unnatural ways. (In other words he was gay y’all). He was expelled from church and asked never to return until he changed his ways. Seeing as it’s a small town the news was huge.

Of course everyone in the church was like yeah that’s what you get for sipping from the cup of the devil. And everyone else in town was praising the guy for coming out and finding him self . Having the courage to stand up for him self and leave!

That’s why they were upset. Not that he was gay after all. No, it was the fact that he was praised for leaving. I remember my aunt saying, “now if you come out you’re a hero. You’re applauded. It’s not like it used to be.” But, the way she said it. She sounded as her world had fallen apart. As if a part of her soul was being ripped from her. As if all humanity had just come to an end.

But what do they know?

Do they know how it’s like to grow up different? Do they know what it’s like to have feelings you’ve been told since you were five are wrong? Do they know what it’s like sitting through thousands of speeches and hearing God will never love you? Do they know how it feels when you’re being condemned for something you didn’t chose? Do they know how hard it is lying everyday that you are someone you’re not? Do they know how hard it is to struggle with something like this out side of the home and still come home to the same thing? Do they know how much strength it takes every single day to not give up? Do they?

No, they don’t.