I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me”¬†bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.

For Anyone Who Has A Family Member Out There Going Through The Stages Of Breast Cancer

It’s pumpkin spice season everywhere again from lattes to ice cream. Along with that, stores once again bring out Christmas trees in mid October to force you to believe that if you don’t have a Christmas tree, is it really Christmas?

Nonetheless, October marks the start of a really special time for me. It has always been special to me. From the weather changing to hot to cool and the sun setting sooner. From the cold air in the mornings to the chilling wind at night. Everything feels different.

Even Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday, how could it not? Free unlimited candy, getting to dress up as something you’re not, and scary movies at midnight. But now, there’s something even more special about October, and it’s that it’s Brest Cancer Awareness Month.

Breast cancer awareness has been going on for many many years, but it never actually meant anything to me until about two years ago. I knew about it. I knew women were very prone to breast cancer, but I did not understand the actual damage breast cancer can do to a person and to the persons family. Yes, I knew it was bad, horrible even, I mean it’s a cancer, but I hadn’t seen it from the inside as I had when my mother was diagnosed with it.

I can’t speak for how she felt when she found out that she had breast cancer. I can only speak for myself. And this is actually really for anyone who has a family member out there going through the stages of this horrible disease.

I know how you feel, I was there. I cried so much. And it’s ok to cry, you’re human and you need to let it out. Trust me it’s so hard to try to keep it all together. That’s what I thought. I thought that by always showing a strong stern face at every moment, I would be stronger. But all that energy I used to do so I needed it be there for my mother.

Another thing that I discovered is that it’s okay to tell people. Don’t keep it to yourself. Sure, some people will pity you and some people will praise you for being so brave. Stick to those people and let the other people go. You need all the help you can get, all the support, and love that friends will bring you. Because your time soon will be given to your loved one, and that’s all you’ll want to do.

And now, with all the hospital visits, the surgeries, and the recovery that I have seen my mother go through it has made me apréciate her so much more and realize what a strong woman she is. A powerful, courage, strong woman.

So if you have some one out there going through this, be there for them, cry with them, and don’t take them for granted, don’t let them give up the fight. If you’re the one going through this, let me tell you I’m sorry, but you are strong, and you will fight this. You will be victorious.

Merry Fucking Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m stuck at my call center job. I really hate it here. It’s minimum wage and you have to constantly take calls and harassing people, stay up to date with your stats, and try not to mess up. Honestly it’s too much. Plus I have my other job. My full time job pays more so idk why I’m even here. I could just walk out right now. But I can’t, and I won’t. Don’t have those balls.

Tomorrow I’ll be here for 11 hours. Marvelous. I’m getting paid over time and then after 8 hours it’s double so hell yes I’ll be here. Plus they say it’s really slow so why not. What we get paid on over time is what we should actually be getting paid . I mean this is serious business. It Doctor calls and hospital calls. What if we miss something? What if we write the wrong info? Didn’t matter matter.

Ive been feeling down for a while now. I hate being like this. I wish I could swap life with someone who is happy just to know how that feeling feels all the time. I swear I’m happy one day and then I’ll be so low fro the next 4 weeks .

I was going to help a friend move her tv from her old house to her boyfriends house. I was meeting her at midnight and she never showed up. I was over tired, sick, and sleep deprived. I knew she was going to flake like she always does but I’m just too nice of a person.

Anyway Merry Fucking Christmas.