Another Surgery

My mom just got home from surgery today. I know, another surgery. This will be the third surgery within three years. I shouldn’t complain because there are people out there that go through way more surgeries than this, and props to them, but I still see first hand the effects that it does on my mom, and its challenging.

She is brave though, I’ll tell you that. She walks in hospitals like its just another walk in the park. Like its just another thing she added to her to do list on that day. I really hope that this will be the last one. She needs a break from them. The human body wasn’t made to be opened up every once in a while, or at all actually.

She’s doing well. Still coming out of the anesthesia. The surgery she had today wasn’t too big. It was two hours or a little longer I think. They had to fix some scar tissue and damaged tissue from her last surgery.

Her last surgery about a year ago was a major ten hour surgery which involved tissue replacement and removal from a part of her stomach to her breasts, since the previous year she had her breast removed to do breast cancer. Last years surgery also involved moving some blood vessels, which is not an easy task for any doctor, seeing as they are complex things caring the very thing your body needs to function, blood

The only down side to all this (which yes, I will sound selfish for a bit but hear me out), is that people form her church will want to come visit her and “give their support”, aka tell her how blessed she is to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, yes I’m happy she is alive and well, its the meaning behind their words that I question, or their reasoning as to why they believe what they believe. 

Since they will be coming to visit I will have to be in contact with them. I haven’t seen any one from church for more than three months now, almost going on to four. I can’t just go hide in my room and pretend that I’m not home. I am civil still.

The thing is, will they ask what I have been up to? Will they even want to know what I have been doing with my life? Will they tell me that I should go back? That they “miss me”? What will I tell them? I want to be honest but I still want to be disrespectful. I believe that you can still keep your integrity without hurting other people, even though sometimes people will take your words and turn them into something that you really never even said, but that is on them at that point.

I hate how this was about my mother and I just went on to turn it around and make it all about me. Isn’t that funny?

Anyways, my mom is doing well for now and that is all that matters.

Aftermath

It’s going to be a week tomorrow since I left my old religion. What do I call it? Ex religion? Old religion? Not sure, but I left it. I’m not going to sit her and tell you that’s it’s been nothing but butterflies and rainbows. It hasn’t. It’s been a struggle. But I am glad to say that even though each day was hard, the next was easier to handle than the day before.

My ex texted me and I decided to be truthful to her and tell her what was going on. She said it was ok for me to feel this way and no one was forced to be in the religion (oh sure). My ‘used to be’ best friend (yikes), also texted me. He asked what was going on and I didn’t think twice when I told him. Well actually I’d did. I was hurt, I wasn’t going to reply. But, the therapist in my head told me that I needed to get what I was feeling out, and plus he deserved to know as well.

He said he really cared about me, funny how his actions don’t comply. I haven’t heard from him ever since.

An elder texted me as well. I actually expect way more calls and texts form not only him but firm other elders and servants form the congregation. he said they had been missing me at the gatherings and church meetings. I didn’t even reply. I know that my mother is still going and I don’t want to make a mess out of this for her.

Speaking of my mom. She’s been handling it a lot better now. At first she was sad, constantly. But now she’s improving. I tell her I love her every chance I get. Because I do. I hug her like never before. And I don’t want her to think I do things to hurt her because that’s not the case, she never hurt me.

At work I told some coworkers and they were honestly more than happy for me. Some didn’t know that I wanted to leave and others did. They have been a great support system honestly, along with my non religious friends.

There was one religious guy that would always try to debate with me at work. And for the matter of appearances, I would defend my past so called beliefs. Today he tried to do the same, so I had to come out, unreligousely.

I told him I’m no longer with my church. He looked shocked. Almost as if I had slapped him across the face. He got emotional. I told him, “look, no disrespect but I don’t really care for religion right now, I need a break.”

Other than that it’s been a good transition. It’s actually been way easier than what I had anticipated. I just hope no one thinks I’m going back.

Now I start my new life. My new journey. It’s actually great. In a week I’ll be 25. In a month I’ll be losing my job but I don’t really mind. It’s a new opportunity. Plus, the summer has just begun. What will the rest of the year bring?

Empty.

What a fucking Monday.

I woke up feeling good today. I was going to conquer the world and make it mine. Nothing and no one was going to get in my way, and if they were, they had better watch out for I was not going to let them stop me.

Work was good, slow yes, and it dragged a little more that it should have but I still made it through. I had a date to go to after work and I was excited to say the least. This was going to be the fourth time I was going to see this guy that I am dating.

Back story: I just told my mom that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore and she took it better than I thought, yesterday. My ex texted me this morning, I’m assuming because she didn’t see me at church yesterday. I didn’t reply though.

Let me get into the date first. It was bad. I try to laugh at anything. I even laugh at things that I should probably not laugh at. I know who to laugh with though, that’s how I get through life. But this dude does not smile even when he passes gas. Like bro, try smiling a little, it will feel good! Other than that we did talk a lot. We disagree on everything for the most part. Just because that’s so doesn’t mean I’ll end it. I know that we wont last, but right now I don’t even know how to tell him that, or maybe its just the whole entire situation.

Anyways, I get home after what ever type of date that was and my mom wasn’t home. This took me by surprise and odd since her car was there and she usually tells me where shes at. 20 minutes later she shows up. She gets dropped off by a car that I know for a fact was my ex.

I see her walking up the drive way and I ask her where she was. All she says is that she was out with friends at stores. She didn’t want to say that she was with my ex but I saw her drive off. As she approaches the front door, I hug her. I say that I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I say it but I can see the hurt on her face. She had been crying.

She starts crying in my arms. You know the worst feeling in the world? Its not physical pain. Picture the person you love the most, the person you don’t even want to think about living without, the person that makes your life complete, the person who would give their own life to save yours and yours for them, the person who has always been there for you even when no one else was, picture that person. Now, picture them in your arms, crying, because of you. You did this to them. You hurt them so much that they cry in your arms for 30 minutes. Your shirt is now wet. They aren’t even producing any tears anymore because you drained them out of all of them. They’re finished, done. They cried all they could cry and now all they are is hurt. By you. You did this to them, you hurt them. How do you feel? Do you like that? How does that feel?

Don’t tell me how I should fucking feel, don’t.

I let her cry while I held her. It is the least I can do. Right? She needed to let it all out. And she did. I can still hear her sob in her room right at this moment when my music goes from song after song in between the pauses. I hate hearing her like this. I did that to her.

I told her that I want to make everyone happy but that hurts me, when I try to be happy I hurt everyone else and then that ends up hurting me too. She told me to pray. I’ll do it. If God is real, he will help me right? I have been taught one way and I feel it to be true but at the same time I don’t want it to be true. I have two sides here telling me that their way is the right way and I don’t know which one to chose.

How did I feel about all this? I felt so much pain. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Seeing my mom hurt like this, I don’t think anyone no matter how much I tell them, I love my mom, they will never understand. I’d rather feel her pain than have her feel it.

Now I don’t feel anything. At all. I’m like an empty glass bottle. Heavy, but very empty. There’s nothing inside, its all see through. I don’t like this feeling. I need to feel something. Because when I do, then I know what to do, but now, what do I do?

Crime Scene

I did it. I finally broke the chains and now I’m free. It feels so good, it feels like a sense of relief.

 

Yesterday, before I went out on my usual run at the park I decided that I would tell my mom what my plans were. What I told her wasn’t planned though. I was thinking of how I would let her know. At first I thought, maybe when she sees that I am not getting ready to go to church she would ask and I would just tell her. But, I love her. And I know her. I needed to give her time to digest this. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me it was.

I put on my running shoes and after filling up my water bottle I looked at her and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to let her know so she could digest it, not understand it, but respect it. She asked me what was going on, as a concerned mother will always do. I remember feeling evil. Like I was doing something bad, almost murder. I was killing someone. I was killing myself, the person she thought she knew was dying right in front of her.

Her response was not the one I was expecting. She said if I think there is something better out there than the religion we are currently in then I should go look for it, but I wasn’t going to find it. She was calm. I was shaking. She also told me to read our magazines and our literature and that would help me see that this is in fact the one and only true religion. She started rambling and repeating herself, not screaming or yelling though, but I still just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the crime scene.

Through out the whole night while I was out running, she would send me articles published by Jehovah Witness. I appreciate how much she cares, she really does. She only wants the best for me and she thinks that she has found it in this religion. I don’t blame her and I didn’t tell her to stop, if this was going to help her feel better that was ok with me.

There was one final text that she sent that mad me cry after I’d been holding it in. Or maybe it was just the situation and everything else? She said, “you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you. If I did something that hurt you or offended you I’m sorry. I love you.”

My mom is a great person. I always hear stories of young people being total assholes to their parents just because they’re parents don’t agree with what they believe in. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you still, they do and very much. They just don’t agree with what you believe and that’s ok, we don’t all have to be the same mechanical robots.

I told her that she has never hurt me, and that’s possibly the most accurate sentence I have ever spoken. I love my mom and I always will.

Today, I woke up and she didn’t attack me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even mention church. All she did was get ready. She asked my brother if he was going and he got ready and went. She went up to my bed when she saw I was awake and it was like I was five years old again. She sat on the corner of my bed and she talked to me. Like her son. Nothing really important, just random things about her chickens and one of her friends having a cat.

I couldn’t have asked for a better moment. It was nice. There still a little bit of doubt in me if I am honest. Am I actually doing the correct thing? What if she is right and this is the Truth? But at the same time I feel so great, free, liberated.

 

Why is that?

 

I’m Not Going Back To Church

Yesterday I had the worst head ache I think known to man. I was thinking about so many things. Work, love, life, friends, and religion.

Let us start with religion. My life has always revolved around it. Every single thing I would do I had to think if it was appropriate for me to do and if it would make others mad or upset them. (Others as in the people in my religion). I never actually asked my self if God would be mad, isn’t that funny?

With that being said, I have been living that way for way too long. I didn’t know I was walking on this path that I am now, but as I look at the months that have passed I see how I took the right turns to get to where I am.

Let me explain. I am not happy. Why? Religion. I liked some parts of it. But others I couldn’t. I am in a religion that does not and will not just only take half of you or part of you. I remember someone at church saying, “your either fully committed here or your on the out side and you’re on of our enemies.”

That’s a great thing to say to someone who’s confused right? I have been messed up so bad because of it. All this time I have lost because I was someone I didn’t want to be to please others. Just because I say that doesn’t mean I regret it. No, I love my mom and I am happy I gave her a little of what she wanted me to be. I don’t care what anyone says.

But the time is now. I’m not sure if its the time, my supportive friends, the new guy I’m talking to, the church using me, Taylor’s new song (have you heard?), or something else. It’s time to make ME happy.

As you all have known, Jehovah Witness are known to go knocking on peoples doors almost every day. Yes, I was one of them. I stopped doing that back in March. It took courage to stop, believe me. Its not something you can just stop doing, no. You will get harassed by the ‘Elders’ of the congregation, or even other members. You will get calls, text messages. They will go to your home and read you bible texts and give you reasons on why you need to do as they say you have to. If you tell them you’re not home or they can’t reach you, they will hunt you down at church and ask you to stay so they can “give you advice” but its only them just criticizing you for not doing what they expect from you. So yes, it was hard.

Nonetheless, I stopped going and after taking the harassment they laid off for a bit. I still went to church twice a week like I have always done. Out of respect for my mom. There is something I believe in, but I’m not sure if I have found it yet.

That was step one. Step two was to dissociate with my church friends. Do I miss them? Sure, from time to time, they are humans after all and we did have history and good times together. But I have just recently learned that I can not be friends with someone who will not take me as I am, I’m done changing for people. I am myself. At first they were worried, I understand. But now? Where are the worried texts and the missed calls? Have they just forgotten so easily? I hope that is the case.

The step that I am now on is not going to church at all. That’s right. I’m not going to go anymore. Why should I? I don’t have a good time there, no one talks to me. As soon as its over I get up and leave as fast as I can. You tell me if that’s what church is supposed to be like, and if it is by all means, you go.



 

I’m going to side tract now. I was talking to a friend yesterday about coming out. I know it will not be easy for me. I have this unusual great amount of love and respect for my mother. I know that she will always love me, I am her son after all. So why have I not yet came out?

Many reasons. I wont hold back I’ll tell you. One of them is knowing that my mom will never speak to me again. Not because she doesn’t want to, I know she loves me. But all Jehovah Witnesses are taught that when a person is no longer part of the ‘organization’ you have to go out of your way to not speak to them, you have to shun them out of your life completely as they do not exist anymore. If you are ever caught having communication with them you will be talked to and if done again, you will end up with the same type of treatment. And this is and I quote “to keep peace and cleanliness in the congregation. ”

I remember when I was little and one of my cousins got pregnant at the age of 16. Her family is also in the religion. She was kicked out of her own house and told to never come back for having sexual relations before marriage. No one was allowed to speak to her, she was only let back into everyone’s life when she spoke to the elders and told them that she regretted it all from the bottom of her heart.

The reason they do this is because their philosophy is that you will come back to the church after you realize you can’t live without your family in your life. It’s a total mind fuck. Manipulative to a whole new level. I know. Why do you think I an such a mess?

This story brings me to my other reason. The being kicked out. Where would I go? And now that I am soon to be unemployed? Who wants a damaged, poor, messed up 25 year old? If you know anyone who does let me know.

I know I have friends that will help me with what they can , but I don’t want to test a friendship like that.

The last reason is that I only have a work permit to be in this country.  I have been here since I was 2 years old. Did I chose to come here? No. I do not know any where else other than here. I don’t know why that is even a concern on this subject but it is. What will I do the day the government decides that they don’t want to keep renewing it ? What will be of me?

As the days go by, it is getting easier to breathe though. I am scared. I am terrified. But at least I am smiling for myself now, and not for others.