Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

Everything Is Moving Along, Fast

Life is rolling on fast, January is almost over, the year is already flying by.

I start my internship this upcoming Tuesday. (Yes, I got it). I am excited. I will be interning for a non-profit organization that helps people with autism find jobs and teach them how to work with others.

I’ve always wondered what it was like to work for a non-profit organization. Now I have this opportunity to learn and get experience from all these wonderful humans.

I will working in the marketing and resource department, and once in a while help out payroll and Human Resources. I’m in the administrative clerical field so basically anything related to office work is what I will be doing.

I can’t wait to start, although the drive is a little long and I’m not getting paid for any of this, the experience should be more than enough. I also think I was placed there for a reason. I’m ready to learn as much as I can, not just for work, but about life and people.

Pretty soon I will have my certificate of completion and I will be working. Life is moving extremely fast and I am just noticing this as I am typing. Originally I just wanted to talk about my internship, but now as I think about it, everything is moving along, fast.

Cherish every moment.

School/Gym

September is here and this week has already gone by so fast.

 

So, I started school at the begging of the week. Its been nice so far I don’t have any complaints. (I know that I will so stay tuned for those).

The classroom that I am in isn’t filled with a lot of students, which is good. That way the teacher can focus with less of us and spend more time individually with us if she needs to. Speaking of a teacher, I love mine. I am so glad the one that I got is one that cares for her students and wants the best for us. She said that if we go home without even one of us not learning something that day then she feels as if she didn’t do her job correctly as a teacher. That makes me feel like she really cares about getting through to us.

My classmates are pretty nice so far. I haven’t had any conflict with them so we will see how long that lasts (lol). Funny thing, I’m the only guy in the class, which I was concerned with at the beginning but now I have grown to like it.

I know some basic skills that I picked up at my last job. Its crazy, who would have thought that what I leaned at that job was actually going to stay with me till now and possibly the future? Because of that I am, and I’m not bragging, the best in the class so far. I find myself helping my peers around me with what they don’t understand. I don’t mind. It keeps me from forgetting the steps and what not.

As far as I can tell, I really enjoy that class, the teacher, and everyone else in the class. I think that if it keeps going like this it will be an easy ride to the finish line. But I know that it is too soon to tell.

In other news, I got a gym member ship. I know, way to throw that news right out there. I never thought that I would go back but my shins and my knees have been hurting so bad that I decided I needed new form of exercise other than just running. I looked into two gyms and went for the one that would give me a student discount. Ultimately, its a good gym, I say even though I’ve only been there once.

That’s been my week so far. I hope it stays this productive.

I’m Ready To Get My Education On

So it has happened. (Is that even correct grammar?).

*Drum roll*

I know this isn’t as exciting for you as it is for me, but why don’t you just let me enjoy this moment as long as I can. That’s a statement not a question by the way.

News: I got in school. 

I am so excited! I know people don’t usually get excited for school but I’m ready to get my education on. I think it was about two days ago that I was called by my career coach from the unemployment offices that I was approved to be financially covered for school.

Without this help I wouldn’t have been able to go back. Actually, untrue. I still would have gone. But I would have gotten in grave debt. I need this education. Even though its not your IV league school or a degree that will get me the most well paid job. Still, for me its something big. Its education nonetheless.

I value education. I just never had the opportunity to get it. I know that sounds like, oh sure, everyone can get an education you probably didn’t try hard enough to get it. Lies. Sometimes you just can’t go to school. For what ever the reason is. Its just not the right time, maybe you have to be the provider for your family, or other reasons, and that’s ok.

I’m so very great full that I was able to get this opportunity. I will try my best to make the most of it.

I’m ready, I’m excited.

Busy Beaver

What a busy Monday.

I haven’t been a little busy beaver in a while. It was a good busy though, not the rip-your-hair-out-make-it-stop type of busy. I had my moments of frustration, yes, and I am currently starving because I have been up and around all day, but aside from that. For breakfast I only ate a sandwich with a turkey patty my mom had cooked in the ungodly morning hours she woke up at. I’ll have to go buy me a burger as a prize for the good boy I have been today. That sentence is all types of wrong.

Anyway, I went to the unemployment office in another city in the morning. The one that is closest to me gave me an appointment for the beginning of September. SEPTEMBER. No. Just no. I need to get things moving. I called the one that was a city over and they said they took walk ins. Perfect.

Funny thing is that I didn’t have everything I needed. But the 45 minute drive was nice. Belting out a good song or 20 while watching the cows on the side of the road is pretty therapeutic. I hope I didn’t scare any.

I had to drive back to town and get the info I needed from home. I also had to print some documents out at the library since I don’t have a printer at home. Soon I was headed back to the unemployment offices and the cows had no other option than see me zoom by.

Everything seemed to be going well, perfect I’d say. But that’s always how it seems. There was a mistake on one of the documents that my school had provided me. So I also had to go back to school and have them change it.

Guess what? They already had. It was no ones fault actually. The information was taken from a government website that both the EDD office and the school use. It was just having a glitch. The person who could fix my paper work had already left for the day, but the people at the school really tried their best to help. Even the vice principal came out of her office and spoke to my career coach.

Did I explain why I needed to do all this? No huh? It’s all ramble and nonsense. Uh, well, so I don’t quality for financial aid from the federal government. But since I am unemployed they have benefits that can pay for my school. And today I almost did the impossible for that to happen, but as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was built in two. SO, I have the rest of tomorrow to get all this paperwork situated.

I also had to write an essay on why I needed the financial help and how it was going to help me. All this seems boring and trust me it was somewhat, that’s why I needed to get it done. Plus, school starts in two weeks and I need to have everything ready in time.

If I don’t get approved for what ever weird reason, or if the universe decides it would be a nice little joke, I will have a meltdown.

School

Going back to school is hard. Not impossible, but very hard.

First you have to think of what school you want to attend. You also have to research the school and make sure it is a good one, not to mention the fact that they should have the classes that you want and or need for what ever it is that you want to end up doing.

Money. You have to love and hate it. They say money doesn’t buy you happiness but is sure as hell going to buy you an education. School is expensive, if someone told you other wise they are lying. The good thing is that you can find a lot of financial help, you just have to look for it.

Wednesday I went to a tour of a college I was interested in. Long story short, I hated it. The counselor (or what ever her job was) lady, was very unspecific and would never get to the point of the question she was asked. So I go up and left.

I researched the hell out of the next schools I was interested in. I narrowed it down to three. I checked reviews, testimonies, I looked at their credentials, I even took it as far as calling in and seeing how I would be treated on the phone by who ever answered.

I finally narrowed it down to one school and I went for that one. I made an appointment for an orientation which included a math and reading test (which I passed with flying numbers, I know I was shocked too). I got a tour of the school and even a little back ground info of the teacher that I would be with.

Over all it was a really good experience. I was hella nervous. Why? Because that’s just my personality trait now. But, I went and it went really well.

I will be attending the school for about ten months. I will get and certificates to be able to do office work ect ect. One of the main reasons I chose this school is that they partner with business and have internships. They’re graduation rate and after school employment rate is really high. Its very disappointing hearing people study for so long and once they are finished with school they can’t find employment. That was one of my biggest concerns too.

Another thing I really liked is that all the tools will be provided. I will just have to pay the tuition. That’s where things get a little dicey. I am not a citizen (YET), but I am legal to be here so back off trump. I have been here since I was one year old, so this is all I know.

With that being said, I don’t qualify for federal financial aid what so ever. But since I am unemployed there should be help that I can receive. According to the people at the school I went to. I already made an appointment to go to the unemployment offices on Monday. If not I’m sure there are many other forms of financial help I can pursue. What matters is that I go to school, and I’m going.

Everything is moving really fast but at the same time it is moving rather slow, if you know what I mean. I need to get my school transcripts and it looks like those wont come in the mail within five days, even though I’d like them now.

But hopefully everything starts working out for the best and life just moves along like it always does.

Downhill

Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

In my head this whole unemployment, going back to school, and not having a job thing was going to be easy. Or, well, not easy, but not this challenging either.

I don’t know if its just me. But, have you ever woken up from a nap and felt this inner hatred for yourself? What’s that about? I felt that yesterday. It was weird and thank goodness it wore off before I headed over to my girlfriends place.

That feeling came back today though. I didn’t open the door for it. I didn’t invite it in. It just walked through the walls and into my brain.

I have been stressed. Lets be honest. The whole vacation was a nice distraction from everything that is going on in my life.

First, lets start with what happened last night. At my GF’s place we talked about the future. Then she told me that she would like it for me to go to the meetings (church gatherings) at least once in a while. I told her how I felt about it all. She told me that she didn’t want to pressure me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do, she just wanted to let me know how she felt. I appreciate her sincerity.

There is a part of me that wants to go back. Just to see how I will be received. Another part of me wants to go to make her happy, to make my mom happy, but then again that is one of the reasons I left. I don’t like some of their rules, but I ask myself this, do I actually have to follow them if I don’t want to?

I was talking to myself the other day and I told myself that if I ever did decide to go back (because we all know how indecisive I am), that I would not be the person that I used to be. Devoted? We don’t know Him. I have learned that by pleasing others, you will not gain happiness or even approval. Everyone talks. Some of them don’t even know what they are saying, they just talk. Will I go back? Question is pending an answer.

Today I started looking for schools. I don’t want to go to a four year school. I don’t. Its too much time and I don’t have a lot of that. I never liked colleges or universities. So I started to look at trade schools or vocational schools. Everything is expensive no matter what. Weather its a four year or just a trade. Funny how they tell you to go to school and they die saying that education is one of the best things you can reach for, but yet they make it unbelievably expensive.

I went to a tour of one of the schools I was able to schedule today. I want to elaborate on how it went but at the same time I don’t want to sound so pathetic. Half way through the assessment I was taking, I got up and left. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I was so mad. Mad at what? Let me find a good excuse because I don’t have a reason.

I felt so much pressure in my head, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry that ugly cry with tears and boogers running down your cheeks and chin. But I didn’t.  I held it in like the big boy that I am supposed to be. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions though. So many that I didn’t know which one I was supposed to listen to.

Why? Why? Why? I don’t understand why I get like this sometimes and it bugs the shit out of me.

I feel like finding the saddest playlist of music and just crying my eyes our. Is that therapeutic? Better out than in Shrek always says, right?

What I got for unemployment is total trash. I’m trying to find a school that will take me in as soon as I can. At the same time I don’t want to be around anyone. My GF wants me to be in the religion the same as hers. Everything is stressing me out right now. I’m so irritable. I have a trip planned in two weeks that I have been dying to go to this whole summer, and I don’t even think I’ll make it to that. Not to even mention that my mom has another upcoming surgery in September.

I saw this coming. I always do.

You can always see when you’re going down hill. Right now I’m at the very top looking down, and its looking like its pretty steep.

A Better Beginning

A week from today I will be unemployed.

I’m excited. I know someone who’s losing a job usually freaks out, but ever since I knew it was coming I really sat down to think about it.

Maybe I’m in a state of shock? Who knows. I feel fine. I feel good. If my job was a place I would enjoy going to then maybe I’d be more preoccupied in not leaving or getting laid off.

This week my employer notified the unemployment offices about the mass lay off. They came in and had some few presentations that were very helpful.

At the end of the day, with all this new information, and from what I had previously wanted and thought about, I came to a conclusion. Going back to school.

I’ll have an income, thanks to the unemployment. It won’t be much but I’ll manage. And there are many forms of help I can receive for schooling. Not sure what I want to do at the moment, but I do know that this is the time I can do it.

I can’t waste my time sitting at home or jumping right into the next job. This is a great opportunity. That’s why I’m not scared. That’s why I don’t mourn this loss. Because it isn’t one. It’s an ending yes. But an ending that leads to another beginning. A better beginning.

Talking To Myself

I had a long talk with myself the other day. I was in the state of mind where I was lingering, waiting for life to show me the correct way I should be going towards. Usually, with time things come around and you find out what you need to be doing, or changing.

This wasn’t working this time. Time was passing. Days were flying by. Nothing was happening. So I sat. Turned off my music, and I listened to myself for the first time in a long while.

What do I want? Well, I want to be happy. Ever since I have left my ex religion I have a sense of feeling free. I feel liberated. Light. I’m scared to jump, maybe I’ll float away in the clouds. But all in a good way.

How can I be happy? Doing what I want, as long as no one else is harmed of course. I’m not saying setting fire to homes and breaking into banks. I mean going out with friends, having a good time, getting to do things I was once told I couldn’t do, because it would hurt Them, and of course Him.

Who makes you happy? I am the only one that can make myself happy. Sure, I feel happy when I’m surrounded by people I love and want to be with. But happiness has to come from me. If not, I’d be sad and depressed when I’d be left alone, and that’s not what I want either.

Do I want to get back together with my ex? Yes.

Am I bisexual? Pan sexual? Heteroromatic? I have no clue. I know I want to be with my ex. Emotionally, physically, and even if it sounds shallow, yes sexually. Do I still find men attractive? Yes. A friend told me the other day. A straight man, will be straight. Marry a woman. But that does not mean he will not find other woman attractive. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating on his wife either. It just means he’s human.

Can I date my ex, even when she is still in that religion? Yikes. This was a hard one. I thought about this one. But I left it up to her. I told her what follows; They will tell you not to date me. They will tell you I’m under Satans control and that I am a bad influence. If you continue they’ll talk behind your back, they’ll whisper. They won’t trust you. They might even take some church privileges away. If you want to date me, go ahead. But, I don’t go to church, I don’t see them outside of church, I’m never around them. But you are. You’re the one that has to deal with them. And I will not live like them anymore. I have my own rules, my freedom. If that’s what you want, it’s your choice.

She said she didn’t care. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I miss her.

What’s next? Unemployment. School. I want to go back and learn something, anything really. I will look at my options and figure something out.

As a side note. Everything’s been settle. I know it’s the calm before the storm but I’m not worried for some reason. I’m ready to take on what ever is next. For now I’m good. Good where I stand.

Summer

In case you didn’t know or you’ve been binge watching a show on Netflix, like I have, you haven’t yet looked outside your window or at a calendar and seen that Summer is approaching. Last year my summer was very, epic, (some would say). I had the whole college frat boy experience, without actually going to college, or being a frat boy. There was party week after week. There was “get togethers” , alcohol, and so many other things that I can’t remember because my memory is foggy.

I don’t know about you but for me summer always starts Memorial day weekend. Which is basically a month before “actual” summer starts. Look, I didn’t make the rules, and I don’t really follow them either, but uh, never mind, lost my train of thought.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I am not ready for summer. All the graduations are coming up. They basically kick off the start of summer. I’m not the most popular of people but I do know people that know people, which gets me an invite to these parties. Parties I do not want to attend. I know that makes me sound like a douche bag but think what you want.

Don’t ask me why I don’t want to go. Stop. I wont tell you. Ok, I’ll tell you. Most of the parties I went last year were “church parties”. And no they weren’t boring. I know the thought of a church party sounds like we sat in a circle and read Bible stories while we asked God to forgive us for having fun. If you think that’s that’s the case, you have a real bad interpretation of religion. Or at least my religion.

They were fun. Nothing crazy, but at the same time it was super chill. I enjoyed them. I went to graduation parties, baby showers, and some parties that really didn’t have a reason but just to have fun and dance. It was a lit time fam. (Eww). But I was different back then. I honestly don’t know who I was. I don’t know who I am now so there’s that too. Where was I going with this?  I don’t know.

All I’m trying to say I think is that I am not ready for summer. (Think I said that twice now). The going out, the parties, the whole being social aspect of it. It just bugs me. I know maybe I’ll change my mind later and come back writing about being the center of attention, but for now that’s where my state of mind is at the moment.

My best friend is acting weird. The Elders in my church want me to be someone they think I want to be, I need to look for a new job, my mom is concerned that I’m not mentally stable, and my friends outside of church still believe I’m that rebel that did all those crazy outrageous things last year. Who is going to tell all these people that they are wrong? Not I. When I do tell them that I am not that, they will ask what I am and I don’t know.

That’s mainly the real reason behind my not wanting to go to these parties. If I go, I’m exposed to being asked about my “spiritual goals” or awkward questions about my ex, or worse, seeing her there and having to speak to her. If I hang out with my non-religious friends they’ll start to think that Party Peter is back, and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression.

So summer, if you’re listening, please postpone your flight. I’m not ready.