Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.

 

 

Like Old Times

Don’t you hate it when you make up your mind on something, you are (or you think you are) sure about the way you feel, and then something happens and then bam! You’re like, oh, ok. I didn’t know that was lodged up in there like that, thanks heart. Next thing you know you’re flooded with all these emotions all these feelings you thought you were over with. But they’re there, they’re real.


I saw my ex girlfriend today. I texted her on Wednesday that I needed to see her. I’m not really sure what came over me that I needed to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was going on. I needed her to move on from what ever it is she was still feeling for me. Just like I thought I had.

When I saw her today. When I saw her walk in through the door. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but think of all the good times we had together. I couldn’t help but think of how she smelled, how she laughed, how she felt when she wrapped her arms around me.

She is beautiful. Like a warm and calming sunset.

She sat down. I immediately wanted to hold her hands like old times. It was like an instinct. I had to stop myself.

She smiled back at me like nothing ever happened. As if I hadn’t broken her heart. As if I was still her hero. As if she didn’t cry every night because we weren’t together.

We talked. Almost for two hours. It felt like 20 minutes. I told her how I felt. I told her I didn’t think this religion was for me. I told her why. I told her everything except about my sexuality.

I held that in. Like the dirty clothes you hide away from visitors. How can I tell her something I don’t even know myself? I told her I was very confused. I told her I didn’t know who I was supposed to be.

I have millions of people telling me to be someone and other millions telling me to be someone else. I can’t even hear my thoughts.

She said she understood what I was trying to say. She said it was ok for me to feel that way. My feelings are valid. I can feel this way.

I missed her. I really missed her.

The way her curly hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. The way she smiled at my lame dad jokes. The way her eyes stood on mine when we talked.

We hugged when we left. It was a hug that we both needed.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. What I am. I am trying to be the happiest I can be. But this shit it hard.

We said we would keep in touch. I like that. I don’t want her out of my life.

I want to be with her.

There.

I said it.