I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?

9.8.18

Yesterday was the day.

The day I realized something. Standing on stage next to a beautiful young woman, listening to the wedding ceremony, and feeling all the feels, I want to get married.

Ever since my parents divorced when I was younger I started to believe strongly that marriage was just a load of BS. The thought of me getting married was just not in the picture.

I already knew I didn’t want kids. So not getting married would help in a way. Plus I was never in a good place to get married. I’m the soul provider of my family.

But then I thought. Isn’t that what a father or husband does? And then I met this girl. I knew about her. I always saw her once in a while at church and gatherings. But I never talked to her the way I have been talking to her.

We were paired up to dance at a wedding for the bride and the groom. Her soul is pure. Her smile is perfect. And her laugh is magic.

I knew I liked being around her about a week ago. I liked conversing with her and spending time with her. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, I like her.

During the ceremony I began putting myself in the shoes of the groom, and who was there beside me? She was. Her beautiful eyes glowing with tears of happiness and joy.

Later that night when we were dancing, another one of our friends asked her out to dance. She asked me if I was cool with it, of course I said yes. Because we’re just friends right? But deep down inside I was in pain. Jealousy struck me like lightning, and all I could think about was why isn’t she dancing with me?

I wanted her there with me. I wanted to feel her body move with mine. I wanted to hear her voice in my ear. I wanted her presence. I wanted to make and hear her laugh. I wanted her.

And I still do.

Dance

There are a couple of things that make me really happy. One of them is dancing. If you don’t like dancing how do you even live with yourself? Get out if that mentality, the I can’t dance to save my life mentality. If your body is moving to what ever music you are listing that is the definition of dancing.

I used to only dance in the shower, and even then, it wouldn’t even be that great. But now, I’m in clubs dropping it like it’s hot and picking it up like it’s cold. It’s great. Sure, I’m not gonna lie the alcohol does help some. A lot. But nonetheless, I’m dancing and I’m feeling free.

It’s a feeling of weightlessness. Like I’m floating or my feet aren’t touching the ground. The people around me don’t matter because I am my own happiness. I control how happy I can be. What if they stare? What if they look? What if they judge? Let them. I’m doing me and I’m having fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with acting like a fool while dancing. If you really look at it people are just flinging they’re body parts here and there and having fun. That’s all there is to it. The only time when it should matter how you dance is if it’s a competition.

So if you’re not in a competition, then get out and dance.

Skull

Party animal.

That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?

This weekend I watched Christopher Robin. Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.

Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.

On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.

The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.

I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.

I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.

Full Throttle

I am on a social spiral and it’s going upward.

On Friday one of my friends asked if I wanted to go eat sushi, of course I said yes because that’s my weakness. One of my other friends had asked if I wanted to go see a drag show and I had told her no but since I was going out for sushi might as well go full throttle on the whole night.

Sushi was great like it always is. The drag show was amazing. I loved seeing them dance and “sing” and just have fun! After that we danced on the dance floor and I had only one drink. The vibe wasn’t the same as the other club I had gone to the previous week but it was still good. We danced for a while before going home.

One the way home, my friend who knows about his blog (hey girl) and is a raver was talking about the one she’s going to this upcoming weekend. It’s called Hard Summer. I remember she’s always tried to get me to go and I’ve always lagged but since I’m in a yes kind of mood I said yes. Not to this one but one that’s called Escape.

It’s theme is Halloween. She’s planning to be Princess Peach and I’d be Luigi. (Of course a slutty darker version of them). Once I posted on social media that I was glowing I was spammed by all these people that I know are going to or that at least want to try to go and some of them in my closest circle of friends. So I really hope they can go.

On another note, yesterday I told a friend about this blog. I didn’t give her the address or a way to look it up, just simply told her that I had one. She suggested that we make one together. About us, our adventures, and our life stories. Kind of something motivational. So stay tuned for that!

I also went on a midnight date but that story well save for next time.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.

I Don’t Dance, I Read Books 

Ok Journal, 

 

         It’s currently 8:46 PM and I have just came back form the party I should have not gone to. Let me give you the run down of everything that happened just so you don’t think I’m crazy or exaggerating. 

          Everyone knows I’m the least social person in the world, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. So during the course of the day I was debating if I would go to the party or not. One of my friends was going to go so I had him to hide behind and not look so bad. He said he was actually going to a prom he was invited to and he couldn’t turn it down because he had a ticket and the ticket “is like worth a hundred dollars or whatever.” Oh. Well then I guess our friendship is worth nothing? 

          This made my decision perfectly clear. I would not go to he party. Even though it was going to be exactly next door. I wouldn’t know anyone and I would stand in the corner looking like an asshole for not socializing. So I comfortably got in bed and put on Netflix and decided to give Stranger Things a try. I swear the second I was done with the first episode my mom said there was someone at the door. 

         At 5:19 PM my friends brother (the one that decided to end our friendship by going to a prom) had come to drag me to the party. He said he was alone and he knew me so he wanted me to go because that would make him feel less, well, alone. I hesitated but ultimately my big heart made me give in and I told him I would change. 

         So at 5:31 PM we started walking next door. I hadn’t noticed all the cars parked on the street until I went outside. I had my TV on blast. We got there and the host (our neighbor) told me that she told George to come and get me so he wouldn’t be alone yet she wanted us to meet knew people. I nodded and went and sat at the nearest corner that had not been taken. There wasn’t that many people which was good. But later more started arriving.  

         Around 5:50 PM the first game started. An Oreo cookie was placed on your forehead and you had to get it to your mouth by just moving the muscles on your face. Unwilling I was paired up with George (my friends brother), Devani (the hostess doughter) and some other guy I didn’t catch his name. We won which was ok not bad. Winning is cool. Maybe Poole will talk to me now. No. 

         We ended playing musical chairs around 6:30 PM I had lost around the sixth chair. After that we played a game that you had to pop a ballon. Of course with my luck I sat on the darn thing three times before it actually decided it was its time to go.  

         After that the dancing started. This is were the night went to shit. I do not dance, wait let me refriase that, I DO NOT DANCE. The host kept bugging and bugging me to dance. But I had to stand guard and take care of the wall. Protecting it was now my life mission and no one was going to get between me and my wall. I awkwardly stood there for more than an hour while everyone danced. 

          In my head I was thinking the worst. Or more better said, hoping that the worst would happen. Well actually, even better said that the best could happen. I thought, maybe the mikes will blow and the party will end. Maybe someone will drop juice or something on the DJs computer. Maybe the roof will collapse and kill us all. Really anything that would make this party stop. But luck was not on my side and it didn’t. So I just continued standing there defending the wall against nothing. No one protected that wall better than me. It had become my new best friend  . 

          I decided to leave. And George wanted to leave too. I showed him my new fish since he was the one who gave me half of them. He said they are doing fine. He left and I stayed at my house. And now the walls are protecting me from those peoples laughs and bickering. Saying things like “OMG so weird” and “why doesn’t he talk to someone” or “he shouldn’t have even came.” That last one is true. 

          I should have not gone . Why did I go? Out of the goodness of my heart? Why did I have to be this kind? And most of all bitch, why didn’t you come and talk to me if you were that interested in my shit? LOL sorry. 

         Now I’m going to have to deal with those annoying conversations. “Hey I saw you at the party and you didn’t even dance!” No way you piece of shit! You could have fucken said hello! Any ways I hate party’s. I don’t do party’s. My types of parts are no more han three people watching a movie calmly eating chips or popcorn, and forth person would make that party extreme. Again I don’t dance, I read books. Sometimes I wish I was a snail. Or some kind of animal I could curl myself up and hide away from this world. But my bed and my covers will suffice for now . 

4/29/2017