Falling

How was your weekend? I hope it was great, and if it wasn’t I hope the next one is better.

This weekend I spent it with the guy I’m currently talking to. I decided to focus on him and only talk to him. We aren’t anything yet, just dating and talking to try to see where this goes. I don’t know if he’s talking to anyone else, but I have a strong feeling he’s not. I deleted all my dating apps last week. I only had them for about ten days.

I can only see him on weekends since he works during the week and he works a late shift, which kind of sucks but I get it. He asked if I wanted to got to a friends birthday party. I thought this was really soon to start meeting his friends and some of his family. But I decided to go, I really like him and I wanted to spend time with him.

The party was great, his friends were super nice and down to earth. One of his sisters that I met was also super nice. I loved every minute of it. I had a great time and the party was hella fun. I was super nervous to go at the beginning but I’m so glad I put myself out there instead of backing out like I always do.

Yesterday (Sunday), we went to Santa Monica. We walked the pier and then sat at the edge on a bench and talked while the sun came down. It was so relaxing and time seemed to stop. It felt like the world around us was moving at fast pace and we were just there in the moment. I know it sounds like the total opposite of each other but that’s how I felt about it.

Then we walked the shore for a bit and sat down and talked some more. We talked about our past and what we want for our future. He said he wants to take it slow with us because he doesn’t want to screw this up. I swear my  heart melted when he said this. He told me that he really likes me, I told him that too.

It’s nice to finally find some one who wants the same thing I want. To have all the things in common that we do, and the things that we don’t, and still get along. The vibe that we have is amazing, we can talk for hours, sure we are just getting to know each other but there’s nothing like good chemistry.

I’m scared now, scared of losing him. Scared of falling for him and then him leaving. Scared of starting something that I think I have been waiting for for so long and then it being carried away by the wind. Will this be the beginning to the ending I’ve always wanted? Is this actually something that can blossom into something beautiful?

He’s going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with his best friend, he sounded super excited when he was telling me about it. I was surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with them. Of course my answer was yes.

I’m happy. I like the place that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally.in right now. I wish and hope it stays that way.

4 Dates, 4 Guys, In 4 Days

So, I don’t know how to start this.

I said I was going to delete the dating apps on my phone, and to my defense, I did, just not all of them. I left two of them. Maybe I should have stuck to just keeping one but I said to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to just leave these two. 

I got to talk to a lot of people. Some nice, some rude, and others who bluntly just wanted sex. It was pretty interesting to see the type of vibe that online dating has. It was hard to decipher who wanted to get to know you and who wanted just to get in bed with you.

I got four dates, with four guys, on four different days. And this is how they all went;

 

Tuesday

I started talking to this guy on Monday and he seemed pretty cool. I liked the way we clicked. Talked for a bit longer and he asked when we would be able to meet each other. This was Tuesday, so I told him that we should go see a movie. He agreed and we met up at my favorite theater.

I feel like the date went pretty well. I was myself, I didn’t feel as though I had to hide anything of myself or my imperfections just to get him to like me. I was feeling no nerves what so ever, which is really not like me.

I enjoyed the movie and we talked a bit after at Starbucks. Over all the date was pretty good. He is a really cool guy and hes really nice.

The thing is I’m just not into him in that way. Maybe as a friend sure but I just didn’t feel a connection with him, a romantic connection I mean, because I still did very much like him as a person. We are still talking but I think it just wont go anywhere.

 

Wednesday

This date was a little more on the wild side. I got messaged Wednesday morning. We got to talking and this guy seemed really professional. Very classy. I liked that. There is something about when you get treated with kindness and respect that really gets to me.

All day we were back in forth talking and getting to know each other. I was in my bed that night when he asked if I wanted to go on a mini date with him. I was very honest (like I’m trying to be more of) and I told him that we just started talking and that it was late (8PM) to go on a random last minute date with a total stranger.

He told me to be spontaneous. After having a fifteen minute meeting with my advisers (Me, Myself, and I), I decided that I’d take the chance the he was a killer and go on this late last minute night date with this total stranger.

It turned out to be very romantic. We went to this nice lit up lake a few towns over. There were people still out and we sat on a bench and talked about our past and what we wanted in the future. It was very movie like, it almost seemed fake. I really liked him at the end of the night.

The next day he texted me saying if I wanted to do something. I told him yeah it would be cool and we should meet up at a place. He suggested I come over and wait at his house while he got ready. When I got to his house he opened the door in nothing but his towel.

Now, to a easy sleazy person this would have been some crazy sex fantasy, but I’m not here for that. I walked in and I sat on the sofa. He looked at me like I was crazy. I told him I’d wait for him to get ready. To this he said ‘ok’ but I was invited to join in. Where was the guy I had just met the night before who was totally different?

This was the point where I was over him. I thought he was this cool romantic guy, we had talked about so many things, and now he wanted to have sex? Sorry dude, that’s not how I roll.

I think that’s the last time I’ll see him.

 

Thursday

I had been talking to this guy since Monday. He seemed really cool and he was super up front. When we started talked he told me he was a player. I told him that I wasn’t looking for sex. I wanted to date and get to know people. He told me he respected that. Then asked if he could get to know me.

After talking, I really liked him. So much that we went onto heavy flirting. Heavy dirty flirting. I haven’t flirted like this in a while and it was pretty nice. I was into him, in a sexual way. I even told him, you know what lets just get together and have some fun.

What he told me was surprising to me. He told me he wasn’t going to do that to me. He said that I look like a good guy and deserve better than one night stands. I was SHOOK. Instead we met up and had a good two hour convo.

He was super nice and talkative and I can tell he was really into me. I really like his personality and the way he carries himself. I like the way he looks at life and the way he thinks of others and himself. The only thing that I didn’t like was that he really likes to party and drink, that would be the only downside to him.

 

Friday

This date is by far the one I was most excited for. I actually wrote about this guy before. I met him last year when I got super drunk and made out with him at a club. After that we talked but never got the chance to hang out because he was super busy, and then I went all “religion is my life” on everyone and deleted so many people off social media and he was one of them.

But that all changed Wednesday. I saw him on the app and swiped. A little later I matched with him. I had no way of contacting him before, but now here he was. We started talking catching up and telling each other what we had been up to. I apologized again for attacking his face at the club with my mouth.

He told me right away that we should go on a date. I told him of course. I was excited to see him. To get to know him. We went to a movie date as well. There at the movie I asked him about our crazy club night.

This is where the story gets crazy. He said he had seen me before at a gym I used to go to a long time ago. I told him that I thought I had seem him before. He saw me that night and he never thought that I was gay, he said I was dancing like a maniac and living life (which I was) and that he was a little typsy too so he went to ask me if I was the guy from the gym and I guess I said yes, we started dancing, and that is how that story started.

Now, back to Friday. After the movie we went to Del Taco. I know very classy. There we talked, and it was so liberating. I told him about my mom, I told him about the religion I used to be in and all the reasons why I had to basically cut him out of my life last year.

In the end it was a really nice date, and out of all of them I liked him the most. I think there could actually be something there. I really can’t wait for our next date.

 

Now

Ok, so now I have all these decisions to make. Who passes to the next round? I feel like the bachelor. Who is getting a rose and who is not? I have been talking to other guys here and there but nothing really has flourished between us like the rest of these guys.

I have to weigh my options and see who I like the most. I’m dating right now. I haven’t ever dated this way before. Actually going out on dates and talking to people and getting to know them? Its fascinating to me.

Let’s see what happens.

Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.

I’m Ready To Start Dating

I’m ready to start dating.

 

 

I told my friend that this past weekend while we were on the beach. I was a little hoe at the end of last year only having one night stands here and there. It was fun I I’m not going to sit here and lie, but dating is different.

 

First of al there’s food involved. You get to eat out and chill. Plus, sometimes you get to try new things. You get to see things and experience them in different ways. Also, getting to know someone for the first time is always great. It’s like reading a new book.

 

At the end of the day you don’t have to sleep with them if you don’t want to. Sure, it’s always fun and if they want to stick around for a while that’s cool to. I’m just saying having someone to hold or just be held is really comforting for me, and I’m not a handsy person.

 

Yes, maybe I’m lonely, or sure, maybe I’m just jealous of what I see other people have. But that makes it ok not to want those things? I think not. Then there is the underlying question. What is it that I want in a relationship?

 

Its pretty simple actually. All I need is attention. I don’t need you to take me to an expensive. I don’t need you to take me to a private island or buy me things. I don’t even need you to shoe off for me. Sure, those things are nice but do I want them or need them? No. All I want is attention.

 

I want you to call me, text me, ask me how my day is. I want you to invite me over and talk to me. I want to know how your day was, what you want to do in the future. I want to know your opinions, what makes you laugh and cry.

 

I want to be able to sit in silence with you and not feel awkward. I want to breathe the same air that you breathe and feel like we are one person.

 

Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself but I think you get the picture.

 

So there, I’m ready to start dating.

Swiper, No Swiping

I did it. I mean I really did it.

I deleted all my dating apps. I only had them for about two weeks but they were starting to take over my life.

Wake up, swipe, eat, swipe, drink, swipe, sleep, swipe. There was just too much swiping. I was getting matches left and right not to toot my own horn or anything.

They were mainly for hook ups but I did have some cool conversations with some of them. Even added them on social media .

But since I’m looking for love and I was not seeing a hint of that I had to let it go. I don’t think I believe in apps for relationships anymore. I don’t think I ever did I just really wanted it to happen. And it didn’t so my theory was proven right.

I always felt like dating through apps was too mechanical. As if you are trying too hard to find love. Love is supposed to happen just because right? Not on some app with some stranger that just happened to swipe right because he was like “eh he ok.”

So now I’m open to what ever. A friend says they have someone in mind for me , show me. If we happen to cross each other’s path then so be it. But I’m just really tired of trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .