My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

Like Old Times

Don’t you hate it when you make up your mind on something, you are (or you think you are) sure about the way you feel, and then something happens and then bam! You’re like, oh, ok. I didn’t know that was lodged up in there like that, thanks heart. Next thing you know you’re flooded with all these emotions all these feelings you thought you were over with. But they’re there, they’re real.


I saw my ex girlfriend today. I texted her on Wednesday that I needed to see her. I’m not really sure what came over me that I needed to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was going on. I needed her to move on from what ever it is she was still feeling for me. Just like I thought I had.

When I saw her today. When I saw her walk in through the door. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but think of all the good times we had together. I couldn’t help but think of how she smelled, how she laughed, how she felt when she wrapped her arms around me.

She is beautiful. Like a warm and calming sunset.

She sat down. I immediately wanted to hold her hands like old times. It was like an instinct. I had to stop myself.

She smiled back at me like nothing ever happened. As if I hadn’t broken her heart. As if I was still her hero. As if she didn’t cry every night because we weren’t together.

We talked. Almost for two hours. It felt like 20 minutes. I told her how I felt. I told her I didn’t think this religion was for me. I told her why. I told her everything except about my sexuality.

I held that in. Like the dirty clothes you hide away from visitors. How can I tell her something I don’t even know myself? I told her I was very confused. I told her I didn’t know who I was supposed to be.

I have millions of people telling me to be someone and other millions telling me to be someone else. I can’t even hear my thoughts.

She said she understood what I was trying to say. She said it was ok for me to feel that way. My feelings are valid. I can feel this way.

I missed her. I really missed her.

The way her curly hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. The way she smiled at my lame dad jokes. The way her eyes stood on mine when we talked.

We hugged when we left. It was a hug that we both needed.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. What I am. I am trying to be the happiest I can be. But this shit it hard.

We said we would keep in touch. I like that. I don’t want her out of my life.

I want to be with her.

There.

I said it.

Empty.

What a fucking Monday.

I woke up feeling good today. I was going to conquer the world and make it mine. Nothing and no one was going to get in my way, and if they were, they had better watch out for I was not going to let them stop me.

Work was good, slow yes, and it dragged a little more that it should have but I still made it through. I had a date to go to after work and I was excited to say the least. This was going to be the fourth time I was going to see this guy that I am dating.

Back story: I just told my mom that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore and she took it better than I thought, yesterday. My ex texted me this morning, I’m assuming because she didn’t see me at church yesterday. I didn’t reply though.

Let me get into the date first. It was bad. I try to laugh at anything. I even laugh at things that I should probably not laugh at. I know who to laugh with though, that’s how I get through life. But this dude does not smile even when he passes gas. Like bro, try smiling a little, it will feel good! Other than that we did talk a lot. We disagree on everything for the most part. Just because that’s so doesn’t mean I’ll end it. I know that we wont last, but right now I don’t even know how to tell him that, or maybe its just the whole entire situation.

Anyways, I get home after what ever type of date that was and my mom wasn’t home. This took me by surprise and odd since her car was there and she usually tells me where shes at. 20 minutes later she shows up. She gets dropped off by a car that I know for a fact was my ex.

I see her walking up the drive way and I ask her where she was. All she says is that she was out with friends at stores. She didn’t want to say that she was with my ex but I saw her drive off. As she approaches the front door, I hug her. I say that I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I say it but I can see the hurt on her face. She had been crying.

She starts crying in my arms. You know the worst feeling in the world? Its not physical pain. Picture the person you love the most, the person you don’t even want to think about living without, the person that makes your life complete, the person who would give their own life to save yours and yours for them, the person who has always been there for you even when no one else was, picture that person. Now, picture them in your arms, crying, because of you. You did this to them. You hurt them so much that they cry in your arms for 30 minutes. Your shirt is now wet. They aren’t even producing any tears anymore because you drained them out of all of them. They’re finished, done. They cried all they could cry and now all they are is hurt. By you. You did this to them, you hurt them. How do you feel? Do you like that? How does that feel?

Don’t tell me how I should fucking feel, don’t.

I let her cry while I held her. It is the least I can do. Right? She needed to let it all out. And she did. I can still hear her sob in her room right at this moment when my music goes from song after song in between the pauses. I hate hearing her like this. I did that to her.

I told her that I want to make everyone happy but that hurts me, when I try to be happy I hurt everyone else and then that ends up hurting me too. She told me to pray. I’ll do it. If God is real, he will help me right? I have been taught one way and I feel it to be true but at the same time I don’t want it to be true. I have two sides here telling me that their way is the right way and I don’t know which one to chose.

How did I feel about all this? I felt so much pain. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Seeing my mom hurt like this, I don’t think anyone no matter how much I tell them, I love my mom, they will never understand. I’d rather feel her pain than have her feel it.

Now I don’t feel anything. At all. I’m like an empty glass bottle. Heavy, but very empty. There’s nothing inside, its all see through. I don’t like this feeling. I need to feel something. Because when I do, then I know what to do, but now, what do I do?

Second First Date

Grab your cups because I’m about to pour some dam good tea. Grab your cookies and your napkins because this is going to get messy.

I met him on tinder. We had a date planned for yesterday but we actually met last Friday at a club. In our defense, the club was not even a date that we planned it just happened and I am glad that it did happen. You can learn a lot from a person when alcohol lets them say anything and makes the real them come out.

Yesterday was the day. I was so thrilled. I really liked this guy and I thought that we had a really good chance of connecting and actually being a great couple. I still think that to this day.

I got off work and then took a shower and headed straight to his house. I got there pretty late because of traffic and also there was an accident that blocked off the main roads. Nonetheless, I arrived and that’s where the story starts, right?

Well, for starters, we took one of his friends home since she was chilling at his house. (It’s not his house he only rents one room in it, you’re going to need that bit of info later, trust). After that we then headed to Chipotle. There we ate and we talked about a lot of stuff. We were there for about a little just over an hour and I have to say that I really enjoyed it.

We even got to the subject of me not being ‘out’ to my mom and church. But that is for another post (and its coming). . . However, I for the most part, thought that it was a mood killer and he was definitely thinking about dating me after that bomb shell. He’s been out since he was 13 and I thing thats pretty brave. But I’m working on it and I have been for weeks, even before him. I will come out, on my terms and at my time, and not for any one but myself.

We saw the movie Aladdin. Not one of my favorite movies, not even in the top 100 but it was ok to watch. We held hands and it was the best feeling ever knowing he still wanted me by his side. That makes me sound so middle school-ish but that’s how I genuinely felt so sue me.

On the way back to his place we saw Starbucks and we had to stop by. We both love it, me for the sugar and him for the caffeine. When we got to his house I swear it seemed like a scene form a coming of age movie where the cute guy shows the other cute guy all the things that make him unique in his room. The talk about their favorite movies and music.

He showed me all his CD’s, DVD’s, Vinyl’s, and horror movie collection’s. I got to see the taste in music that he has. Which is very unique but I some how also know all the songs he quotes and loves. We even have the same favorite signers. He showed me his action figures thing that are collectibles. He’s just a really cute nerd, and I liked that. I adored it.

He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said sure. We started seeing Jason Vs Freddy. It was a good movie but I only got to see what happened in the beginning and the end because we had our own little thing we did in the middle which, honestly, happened with out even thinking about it. It just, happened. It was romantic, and I wish I could capture that feeling and take it with me everywhere.

He was falling asleep in my arms towards the end of the movie. Let me just pause here for a second. There is something about just being with someone you like and just holding them. Having them in your arms. Smelling the same smell they are. Smelling them. Being and just living at the same moment with them. Just there. Alone. I just can’t compare that feeling to anything else.

Soon while after there was a knock on the door. Since he fell asleep I walked to the door and it was his friend. She is the owner of the house and rents a room to him. She told me that her mom wanted to talk to him since she also lived there. I was a bit nervous but I woke him up and he went to go talk to them in the living room while I stayed in his room and awaited his return. I was scared, by then I knew they were upset that I was there that late.

I wasn’t wrong. He can back with a really sad face. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry. He said it wasn’t my fault. They just didn’t like it that a total stranger to them was in the house that late. I completely understand. It was late, super late. They didn’t know me. His friend only had seen me once before and her mom only just met me that night, so we did screw up there. But I still would never change anything that happened last night. It was more than perfect.

Today I texted his friend and apologized for over stepping and intruding like I did. She said that it was her mom who was the one that was over reacting but she still didn’t say it was ok so she kind of agrees with her, which is fine I respect that. But she said that she did have other issues bottled up with him that came out, but they talked after I left.

I talked to him about it and he said they established rules. No boys that late. What is late? That is still unknown at the moment. Does he still want to see me? Yes. We planned to go eat somewhere this Monday. I might even have a chance to see him this Saturday if i get to go hiking with him and his friends. I haven’t met these friends. These seem to be more active as I hear they are always hiking. I think he is going to invite me to go since they want to meet me.

Over all, my thoughts? I like him. I like him a lot. I know a lot about him. Not everything but a lot. I know him only a week now but we seemed to have skipped the, what is your favorite color? questions and went right into, what are your biggest fears and insecurities?

He told many friends about me, I have only told 2. Slowly I want to let them know I am dating but I don’t want to get ahead of myself and tell everyone then in 2 weeks tell them I am single once again. I want to be sure of this. I know I’ll get crap for saying this but its true, he’s so broken but well put together and I am well put together but broken. If that doesn’t sound tragically romantic, I don’t now what does.

I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?