If Its Not Love, Then Its Witchcraft

I’m having a bit of a writers block at the moment so excuse my recent absent these couple of weeks. I have been writing less and less. And by that I actually mean that nothing in my life is really happening, all except me falling in love, and I feel like writing about that is like shoving my love life down your throat and I’m not sure people want to read about all the lovely-dovey stuff that goes on for me. I could be wrong though.

BUT, seeing as this is my blog and I talk about heartbreak most of the time and I used to complain about love all the time in the past, I think its time I write about how good love has been treating me lately and how I think that I am actually starting to fall into it.

A little back story: The guy that I have been dating used to go to the same gym that I went to a little over a year ago. We didn’t interact until I was drunk dancing in a club one night and he was brave enough to ask me if I was that same guy from the gym.  After I answered ‘yeswith my lips on his we started talking for about a month after that. (This was last year when I was going through the whole “religion is my life” crisis). I stopped talking to him after that. A whole year later I find him on tinder and we reconnect.

 

Now, every single date that I go on with him is so great. It doesn’t even have to be special, it’s still so nice to see him. I enjoy spending time with him. We go together so well. The attraction is stronger than I ever felt it before with anyone.

During the beginning he told me he wanted to take things slow. I thought that was a  great idea. He said he didn’t want to ruin this by going too fast and pushing things. Isn’t that so sweet? Melts my heart every time I remember when he said that. At least for me it gives me the idea that he wants this to last, (which he does).

Sometimes he says things I’m already thinking, or he’ll say things that I want/need him to say and its like he’s in my brain. If its not love then its witchcraft, I swear. I want to say he understands me most of the time, if not all the time. And, when he is stuck on saying something I just look at him and I know what he’s saying. Why does it feel like I’ve known him longer than I have? Makes me want to believe in reincarnation. (Reincarnated lovers? Is that a thing?).

I know its too soon to be saying he’s “the one“. Because nothing in this life is for sure. Nothing is secure and anything can happen. But I feel so good about him. I feel happy, safe, loved, full of something in my belly that makes me warm all over. I think of him and I smile. I hear my phone go off and I run to it. He texts me something that is not even remotely funny and I cackle like Angelina Jolie in the Maleficent Movie trailer. 

We have talked about our dating expectations (because we are mature adults, thank you very much). We have talked about our pasts. We have talked about the most randomest things anyone could everrrrr.

I ask myself, could this be the beginning of something? I mean it is. I just don’t want it to have an ending. I want to take care of this relationship like a little baby. Protect it, feed it, nourish it, care for it, love it, and help it grow up into something beautiful.

My weekends are full of joy, because that’s when I get to see him. We spend almost all of it together. We laugh, we talk, we smile that dumb smile at each other like lovers do. My cheeks hurt by the end of the day after I am with him from smiling so much.

His friends love me, which is a huge plus. I still need to introduce him to my friends but I’m sure they’ll like him just as much as I do.

Was this destiny? Faith?

Who ever it was, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling

How was your weekend? I hope it was great, and if it wasn’t I hope the next one is better.

This weekend I spent it with the guy I’m currently talking to. I decided to focus on him and only talk to him. We aren’t anything yet, just dating and talking to try to see where this goes. I don’t know if he’s talking to anyone else, but I have a strong feeling he’s not. I deleted all my dating apps last week. I only had them for about ten days.

I can only see him on weekends since he works during the week and he works a late shift, which kind of sucks but I get it. He asked if I wanted to got to a friends birthday party. I thought this was really soon to start meeting his friends and some of his family. But I decided to go, I really like him and I wanted to spend time with him.

The party was great, his friends were super nice and down to earth. One of his sisters that I met was also super nice. I loved every minute of it. I had a great time and the party was hella fun. I was super nervous to go at the beginning but I’m so glad I put myself out there instead of backing out like I always do.

Yesterday (Sunday), we went to Santa Monica. We walked the pier and then sat at the edge on a bench and talked while the sun came down. It was so relaxing and time seemed to stop. It felt like the world around us was moving at fast pace and we were just there in the moment. I know it sounds like the total opposite of each other but that’s how I felt about it.

Then we walked the shore for a bit and sat down and talked some more. We talked about our past and what we want for our future. He said he wants to take it slow with us because he doesn’t want to screw this up. I swear my  heart melted when he said this. He told me that he really likes me, I told him that too.

It’s nice to finally find some one who wants the same thing I want. To have all the things in common that we do, and the things that we don’t, and still get along. The vibe that we have is amazing, we can talk for hours, sure we are just getting to know each other but there’s nothing like good chemistry.

I’m scared now, scared of losing him. Scared of falling for him and then him leaving. Scared of starting something that I think I have been waiting for for so long and then it being carried away by the wind. Will this be the beginning to the ending I’ve always wanted? Is this actually something that can blossom into something beautiful?

He’s going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with his best friend, he sounded super excited when he was telling me about it. I was surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with them. Of course my answer was yes.

I’m happy. I like the place that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally.in right now. I wish and hope it stays that way.

Clubbing/2nd Date

This past weekend was freaking amazing. I haven’t had a great weekend like this in a long while and I feel like I deserved it.

One of my best friends asked me about a week ago if I wanted to go clubbing. I hadn’t been clubbing since my birthday about four months ago. I was kind of iffy about it because we were going to local clubs and I had never been. It turned out great in the long run though. I actually had a great time.

We went to about four clubs during the whole night. Which was also new to me, usually I only stick to one club, when they have good music. It was great to see my friend let loose and be a little wreckless. I’m usually the one that gets out of control but it was nice to see how much fun she was having, she really needed that night.

She has major decisions coming her way and I know its not easy for her. She has so many things riding for her right now. But I’m here for her and in the end I just want her to find happiness and be happy with what she is doing. After all I have been through shes been by my side so I plan to do the same for her because I love her like that.

That was Saturday. Now on Sunday, I went on a second date. It was really out of the blue and it was with the guy I went on a date with on Friday night in my last post. He’s the only guy I ended up talking to. And we ended up messaging each other all weekend, then he asked if I wanted to do something, of course I said yes.

The date was taken straight out of a romantic comedy, I swear we only needed that cheesy music playing in the background. We went to get some frozen yogurt. We were there for a little over an hour just chatting. He’s so easy to talk to, I’m like an open book. He’s very talkative as well so it helps. The conversation would never fall silent.

We later went hiking. As we walked we talked about dumb things that made us both laugh. The similarities between us are unbelievable. Every sentence would end with either of us saying “me too!”.

It felt really great. We talked and talked and it felt like it was just us two. Usually I’m so self conscious about my surroundings and the people who are around and I shut myself in, or I’m too self aware about the things I say that I don’t even get to be myself, but it was different. It felt as if we were the only people on the planet. I had to remind my self that there were other people around.

When he dropped me off I did’t want to leave. I stayed in his car for as long as I could and I noticed he really didn’t want me to leave either when I would say I was going to head out he would start a new conversation.

Now, this is just like me. Get all crazy about a new guy just on a few dates, think hes really cool and like him and then find something that I don’t like, then get all sad because in my head I had already planned out out whole lives together. Because honestly, it has happened before. (Way too many times).

So I texted a friend I always text on stuff like this because she is a fountain of wisdom. She told me to take it slow. She told me to be real with myself and enjoy the moment. I feel like its advice I could have given myself but it works coming from her as well. Sometimes you know what you need to hear and even when you tell yourself you don’t believe it until someone else tells you.

I can’t wait to see him again this weekend. It sucks that I have to wait that long. But I know that it will be worth it.

4 Dates, 4 Guys, In 4 Days

So, I don’t know how to start this.

I said I was going to delete the dating apps on my phone, and to my defense, I did, just not all of them. I left two of them. Maybe I should have stuck to just keeping one but I said to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to just leave these two. 

I got to talk to a lot of people. Some nice, some rude, and others who bluntly just wanted sex. It was pretty interesting to see the type of vibe that online dating has. It was hard to decipher who wanted to get to know you and who wanted just to get in bed with you.

I got four dates, with four guys, on four different days. And this is how they all went;

 

Tuesday

I started talking to this guy on Monday and he seemed pretty cool. I liked the way we clicked. Talked for a bit longer and he asked when we would be able to meet each other. This was Tuesday, so I told him that we should go see a movie. He agreed and we met up at my favorite theater.

I feel like the date went pretty well. I was myself, I didn’t feel as though I had to hide anything of myself or my imperfections just to get him to like me. I was feeling no nerves what so ever, which is really not like me.

I enjoyed the movie and we talked a bit after at Starbucks. Over all the date was pretty good. He is a really cool guy and hes really nice.

The thing is I’m just not into him in that way. Maybe as a friend sure but I just didn’t feel a connection with him, a romantic connection I mean, because I still did very much like him as a person. We are still talking but I think it just wont go anywhere.

 

Wednesday

This date was a little more on the wild side. I got messaged Wednesday morning. We got to talking and this guy seemed really professional. Very classy. I liked that. There is something about when you get treated with kindness and respect that really gets to me.

All day we were back in forth talking and getting to know each other. I was in my bed that night when he asked if I wanted to go on a mini date with him. I was very honest (like I’m trying to be more of) and I told him that we just started talking and that it was late (8PM) to go on a random last minute date with a total stranger.

He told me to be spontaneous. After having a fifteen minute meeting with my advisers (Me, Myself, and I), I decided that I’d take the chance the he was a killer and go on this late last minute night date with this total stranger.

It turned out to be very romantic. We went to this nice lit up lake a few towns over. There were people still out and we sat on a bench and talked about our past and what we wanted in the future. It was very movie like, it almost seemed fake. I really liked him at the end of the night.

The next day he texted me saying if I wanted to do something. I told him yeah it would be cool and we should meet up at a place. He suggested I come over and wait at his house while he got ready. When I got to his house he opened the door in nothing but his towel.

Now, to a easy sleazy person this would have been some crazy sex fantasy, but I’m not here for that. I walked in and I sat on the sofa. He looked at me like I was crazy. I told him I’d wait for him to get ready. To this he said ‘ok’ but I was invited to join in. Where was the guy I had just met the night before who was totally different?

This was the point where I was over him. I thought he was this cool romantic guy, we had talked about so many things, and now he wanted to have sex? Sorry dude, that’s not how I roll.

I think that’s the last time I’ll see him.

 

Thursday

I had been talking to this guy since Monday. He seemed really cool and he was super up front. When we started talked he told me he was a player. I told him that I wasn’t looking for sex. I wanted to date and get to know people. He told me he respected that. Then asked if he could get to know me.

After talking, I really liked him. So much that we went onto heavy flirting. Heavy dirty flirting. I haven’t flirted like this in a while and it was pretty nice. I was into him, in a sexual way. I even told him, you know what lets just get together and have some fun.

What he told me was surprising to me. He told me he wasn’t going to do that to me. He said that I look like a good guy and deserve better than one night stands. I was SHOOK. Instead we met up and had a good two hour convo.

He was super nice and talkative and I can tell he was really into me. I really like his personality and the way he carries himself. I like the way he looks at life and the way he thinks of others and himself. The only thing that I didn’t like was that he really likes to party and drink, that would be the only downside to him.

 

Friday

This date is by far the one I was most excited for. I actually wrote about this guy before. I met him last year when I got super drunk and made out with him at a club. After that we talked but never got the chance to hang out because he was super busy, and then I went all “religion is my life” on everyone and deleted so many people off social media and he was one of them.

But that all changed Wednesday. I saw him on the app and swiped. A little later I matched with him. I had no way of contacting him before, but now here he was. We started talking catching up and telling each other what we had been up to. I apologized again for attacking his face at the club with my mouth.

He told me right away that we should go on a date. I told him of course. I was excited to see him. To get to know him. We went to a movie date as well. There at the movie I asked him about our crazy club night.

This is where the story gets crazy. He said he had seen me before at a gym I used to go to a long time ago. I told him that I thought I had seem him before. He saw me that night and he never thought that I was gay, he said I was dancing like a maniac and living life (which I was) and that he was a little typsy too so he went to ask me if I was the guy from the gym and I guess I said yes, we started dancing, and that is how that story started.

Now, back to Friday. After the movie we went to Del Taco. I know very classy. There we talked, and it was so liberating. I told him about my mom, I told him about the religion I used to be in and all the reasons why I had to basically cut him out of my life last year.

In the end it was a really nice date, and out of all of them I liked him the most. I think there could actually be something there. I really can’t wait for our next date.

 

Now

Ok, so now I have all these decisions to make. Who passes to the next round? I feel like the bachelor. Who is getting a rose and who is not? I have been talking to other guys here and there but nothing really has flourished between us like the rest of these guys.

I have to weigh my options and see who I like the most. I’m dating right now. I haven’t ever dated this way before. Actually going out on dates and talking to people and getting to know them? Its fascinating to me.

Let’s see what happens.

Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.