Jennifer 

Dear Friend, 

             Jenny. This one is for you.  I don’t know if you will ever read this, or better said, I don’t know if I ever want you to read it. Maybe you should, because maybe you don’t know how I feel or the things that made me come to the point of what I am feeling today. I have spent months trying to write this letter and weeks editing in and out things that I wanted to say. At the end of it all I just wanted to write everything. I needed to write everything. 

             When I initially started work at McD’s I honestly didn’t remember you from school. Yes, you did seem very familiar and yes, you were very kind. I was not comfortable yet with my sexually so I had a hard time talking to people. Then that one girl reached out to me first. Nicole. I thought we would be long time best friends but that didn’t go as planned as I started seeing who she really was. Or mainly, I made up what I thought about her through what people said instead of knowing her myself. She’s actually really cool. 

             After some weeks you and I started talking. But it wasn’t until I started closing and working in afternoon shifts that I started to see what a great person you actually were. I felt light around you. I don’t really know if you understand that. I guess what I mean is that I could open up and all the weight that was on my shoulders would temporarily lift off. 

             You know, you have that thing about you Jenny. You can talk to anyone and be so friendly and make them smile. That’s one of the things I love about you. You always look at the bright side in the darkest moments. Your smile is always warm, and your eyes shine brighter than the sun. Your personality is beautiful and your humor is one of a kind. When you laughed I always wanted to join in. 

            You were a great friend Jenny. I would have never gone to college if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for helping me sign up. Even though I only went for a semester it was the best time I had at school. It was the first time since elementary that I had a real friend at school. And I wasn’t scared of who I was going to hang out with. Because you were there. I always looked forward to art class. I awaited every single time we had a chance to hang out before class. You were my ray of sunlight. Do you remember the fun times we had? Eating pizza? Sometimes just ditching school and going to Disneyland? 

            Oh Disney. It felt like I was a kid again. Never did I think I would go there. But because of you I had the time of my life there. I’ll admit though, you were a bit bossy. Well fuck, I’m telling the whole truth right? You were hella bossy. Sometimes it bugged me. But that’s ok. You knew what you were doing and I didn’t. I followed your lead. It still was the time of my life and I would do it all over again if I could. When can we do it again? 

            I liked working with you. I like going to school with you. I liked hanging out at your house and playing Wii Party. Remember? Chips, Catfished, and Wii Party. I felt like I was reliving my teen years. How they should have actually gone. 

            Let me take you back to the nights we closed together. Those nights were crazy. We did the wildest things. We said the craziest shit. Those nights were so stress relieving. I could not have chosen a better person to spend those nights with. Work was hell but working along side with you make it’s so much fun. At times I didn’t even think it was work. It was just me and my friend fucking up McDonald’s. It was fun. 

            How did things get to this point? This point of us barley speaking to each other? Well, I felt distant. I felt disconnected. And yes I have mainly the blame here, but you could have helped you know. I was waiting for that. But it’s ok. 

            That day I stood you and Eli up wasn’t because I didn’t want to go. I had hell of an anxiety attack. I was under pressure with everything. My life was rapidly turning upside down. Hell it still is. It’s been flipped over a couple of times and now I’m struggling trying to find the person I used to be. Do you remember? 

            I’m sorry I have been so distant. I forgot how to be a friend. To be honest I forgot how to be social. I do miss you though. Everything about you. Your laugh, your jokes, your screams, your fights with Hellen. Just being around you. How can we mend this? Every time I want to I always think of the bad things. Why? 

            I’m trying my hardest to keep my sanity, but with all the things that go on in my life right now it’s really hard. Sometimes I ask myself, how would my life been if I never quit that job? Would we still be friends? 

            When I text or Snapchat you you always say you love me and that you are here for me. But how? 

            Maybe I’m being too hard on you, maybe I’m being too hard on me. Life is hard. Life sucks. But I wish you were in it because it would be a lot better. 

            You bumped into me yesterday, it was nice seeing you. It had been almost seven months since I saw you last. You cried when you hugged me. That made me feel really bad. I wish I was better, I wish o didn’t have problems. I wish I knew how to deal with all this shit. Anything really to make it all better. For you, for Eli, for everyone. Will there ever be a better?

A Real Friend 

I’m so done Journal,

      Ok, so as you know Journal, I’ve been going through some rough times lately. And because of such circumstances my anxiety and behavior haven’t really been in control (to say the least) . I’ve been blocking out some people out of my life because, well shit has hit the fan, and I don’t want them to be all covered in my shit. (I’m basically protecting them). You can call it depression, stress, anxiety, or just a series of bad days, but the point is I  haven’t been my happy-cheerful self in a long time (since I was like three BTW). 

      I need help. I need company and support. I need encouragement. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be ok even if it’s not. That fact that you are trying to make me feel better, actually makes me feel better (if that makes any sense). If I push you away, don’t let go. If I say I’m fine, I’m actually saying, please help me, I’m not ok (it’s code). If I act distant, come closer. If I act cold, remind me how warm our friendship can be. If I forget life’s worth, show me what to live for. If I’m unstable, hold me. If I can’t go on any longer, grab my hand and walk with me. 

      These are only a few of the things I was waiting for from my friends. I swore they were the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Now, as times have come to show I see who they really are (or more, who they can really be). Sure they probably do worry about me and wonder if I’m ok, but take in mind that, that is not the same thing as actuallly checking up on me and seeing to it that I’m doing well. I don’t want their pity I don’t want their money. All I ask for is support. I wish I could share my lows just as well as we share our highs. 

      Today I was talking to one of my friends (Eli) and she was so motivating. She said how she and her husband are here for me and all that good stuff. But then she said that I had to see that her job is really demanding since she doesn’t have a set schedule (fast food). She said that I should understand since I worked there myself. Which I do, partially. But if I had a friend who was one the verge of doing something that was anything but safe I would no doubt call off and be there for them. That’s what friends are for right? They put anything on the line for you so you don’t cross yours (💀). 

      That’s what I thought my friends and I had. A solid bond that could never be broken. Well, that “unbreakable bond” has just been shattered to a hundred million tiny pieces. Both of my “best” friends have said to take my time with what ever is going on with me. Like if saying just get through it and when your done hit us up so we can be friends again. Ok, I know no one wants to be friends with someone who is always down and sad, but hey, that’s why you cheer them up. You don’t tell them to take their time and that you’ll be there afterwards when they resolve their problems. No dude, you gotta be there for moral support. Yes you will be there after, but what if that person won’t? What person can’t handle the situation that they are in and all they needed was a friend to listen but all you are waiting for is for them to stop and get better on their own so y’all can “go to Disneyland again” (oh MY Gawd). 

      I’m done with them. They are not friends to me. They say that they will be there for me but they are not. A real friend would try to find out what’s going on. A real friend would ask until they new what the problem was. A real friend would stay by your side even in the hardest times. A real friend would help you out even when you didn’t want it but needed it. But I guess there are no more real friends for me. 

3/1/2017