Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself, hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it. Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.

I Didn’t Say It Back

When is it a proper time to say the three magic words in a relationship? Maybe there isn’t a time frame when you should say it? Maybe you should say it when you feel it. But, how will you know if it is what it is? Am I making any sense?

This past weekend I went with my boyfriend to one of his friends house for a little get together. It was fun and I had a good time, I had my moments of anxiety when I really didn’t want to be there, which I probably should have told him, but I didn’t. I learned my lesson though.

Let me get to the point. He got drunk, I was as sober. We were alone outside at one point where he said he really didn’t want to lose me. It was honestly really cute, of course I don’t want to lose him either. I really like this guy, he’s starting to become everything to me.

I was concerned that maybe he wouldn’t remember what we had talked about, since he was drunk. He caught me by surprise when he said the three words.

I thought I was going to be the one to say it first. I thought I was the more emotional one. I know I am. I know that I am the more sentimental one, I am the more romantic one. But I didn’t say it back.

I thought maybe it was that he was drunk, it had to be the alcohol talking, right? Hours passed by and he sobered up, we went to jack in the box to get some food before we went home. I was the only one actually sober sober so I drove everyone home.

He was sober by the time we got home so I asked him if he remembered everything we talked about that night. He said he did. So me, being me, I asked him again if he remembered, everything everything? He looked at me and said yes, and he said it again, and then said that he said it because he meant it. I still didn’t say it back.

Does that make me a bad person? I know that I have strong feelings for him, I do. I don’t think I have felt like this for anyone before, but I want to be really sure, I don’t just want to say it because he said it. I want to say it because I feel it. I know I feel something. I know.

He told me I didn’t have to say it. He said it was ok, he probably said that because I started tearing up. Am I scared to say it? It is a possibility. I really wanted to though, but I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the time, and I didn’t want him thinking that I said it just because he had. I want to say it because I feel it and I want him to know.

I haven’t said it to anyone before. This is new to me, its scary ok? Plus he said that he didn’t say it in his last relationship until four months in, and yes, I know its not the same thing because hes dating me now but still that’s my brain for you.

I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want this to end, I know that it wont if we don’t let it. He is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day we talk, every time we see each other, every time I think of him, I keep falling for him more and more.

Maybe I am…in love.

Best And Worst Saturday

Drinks, drunks, and good ass French fries.

This past Saturday I went out again. I know, before you start judging me let me tell you that I’m being safe (sorta) and I’m finally having the time of my life. Not holding back and not scared of anything.

This Saturday although it was great it was a little different than most nights I’ve gone out. Me and one of my friends hit up the club and chilled in the parking lot for about half an hour. Then suddenly there was a knock at my car window.

Some drunk guy wanted my friend. Since we are some bad ass bros, when my friend was asked if he wanted to dance with the guy he flat out told him no I want to dance with my friend. I thought the drunk guy was going to slice my throat open but he just walked away.

We were shook. The way the guy approached us was really weird. The rest of the night we were thinking that the guys was gonna key my car, that really killed the mood and my buzz. Not to mention the music really sucked.

Almost at the end of the night while we were dancing on the second stage, some old guy tripped and groped my friend. Like, everything bad happened to him that night I felt terrible.

He ran passed me and walked outside. I couldn’t believe it either. It was really awkward and very ugly. I saw it all happen inform of my eyes and I still couldn’t believe it.

We left soon after that. We went to eat at a taco shop and got some carne asada fries (if you don’t know what those are google them, you’ll thank me later). They were amazing!

We chilled at his house till 6am and then I went home. That Saturday was the best and worst Saturday I had been with this particular friend. He told me that I wasn’t fake and I actually am who I present my self to be. That’s basically the best compliment I have ever received.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.

There Was Alcohol And Shit Hit The Fam

Last week I went to a birthday party. One of my friends said it was going to be small but it wasn’t. Nothing but small. I saw people from high school, people I didn’t know, and people from my old job. Some people sure I was happy to see and reconnect with but forgets I didn’t even turn on their direction.

That’s not the point though. The point is that’s there was alcohol and shit hit the fan. I was hanging out with a couple of my favorite friends, or the usual group I hang out with. Yes, we were drinking and there were shots and mixed drinks and all that fun stuff to pass the time. For me as long as you having fun and not causing trouble sure drink up.

But then, there always has to be a but then doesn’t there? Well, one of my friends and I went it the bathroom. Lest call her Mona. Mona and I were in the bathroom when we got a text from Jenna (yeah we’ll call my other friend Jenna). She was informing us that our other friends (married couple) were arguing and fighting and that we should come back. So we hurried up and went back and sure enough they were.

The wife was crying while pushing away from her husband and we were just there trying to walk to our seats through the thick awkwardness. We had never seen them like that. They had always been that couple that wouldn’t stop showing how in love they were. And now? They were that couple that gets drunk and fights at parties.

We decided it was time to leave. So we left and we left hungry. We pulled up to a McDonald’s and ordered food. I was with the husband and the girls had gone in another car. When the husband went to the other car he left behind a bottle of vodka he had stolen from the party. Not only that, he started to piss behind my other friends car. His wife surely felt really embarrassed.

We got our food and sat outside our cares in the parking lot once again. This time he started through it all his trash on the floor and around the parking lot. I had to clean it all up just so they wouldn’t call the cops on us. He thought it was the most hilarious thing on the planet. That’s when I called it a night.

Anyways now knowing this mini back story, let me inform you that I’ll be going tot the beach for my birthday this Friday. The same friends were going. I told them I don’t want alcohol at the beach because things might get out of hand. They were all fine with it. Then he said he’d take his stash. No I don’t want weed there either. So then he was kind of upset but he still said that it was ok.

The next day he texted everyone in the group text that he wanted mimosas. I clearly told him no alcohol. Why was he asking again? Was this a joke to him? I had a gut feeling that if I didn’t tell him something he would smuggle in some drinks and pull them out later and there would be nothing I could do at that point.

So I texted him that if he couldn’t handle not having alcohol at the beach then maybe he shouldn’t go. Superarlo he took that in the worst way possible and left our group chat and also removed me from all social media.

So when something doesn’t go your way you just block them out of your life? That’s real mature dude.

That’s enough drama for now. But there will be more.