My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.

Not Human

I am very well at expressing my emotions. If I am happy you will definitely know that I am. If I am sad, with no doubt that will show on my face and the way I carry myself. Even possibly it will show in the way I walk.

Now, my question is, how do some people walk around this world faking all of their expressions and emotions? Hiding their emotions like its a dirty stain on their shirt that they don’t want anyone to see. Sweeping it under the wrong where no one can see them but everyone can step on them?

But then, late at night. That’s when they let it out. When they are alone. When the pressure is to much and their shoulders are tired of caring a facade all day. Is that healthy? Is that ok? I mean yes, my emotional state of mine brings me problems once in a while but I’d rather let it all out then hold it all in, if that makes any sense.

One of my friends texted in in the middle of the night with some words of concern, or at least I thought. But then soon in the day when I asked him about it, he told me “never mind”. Oh, ok, sure. I’m sorry I bothered you with my friendship. It must have been a typo what you wrote, did you forget to put your filter on at night? That something actually real came out of your mouth?

Are some people like that? Do they not like to talk to the people they most trust? Honestly yes, I do feel that way some times. But not to the fullest extent. I don’t want to reveal what I feel. But then there are times when you wont be able to shut me up. I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s ok we’ve learned to love that about me right? (LOL).

I’ve noticed though that there are some people I know that I wonder if they are even humans. They show no sign of emotion, sympathy, or anything close to acting like a regular person would. They walk around acting like the rest of us, they live their lives just as a regular person would, and they even have “connections” with people in their inner circles. If you didn’t take time to pay attention they might even seem like regular people. But they’re not. They can’t be.

The one thing that’s missing is, emotion. There is none. They act like they are supposed to if I tell them something sad. They try their best to show compassion, but lets be real, I know its all fake. I know they hide something behind that cheesey smile.

Or maybe its just me? Most likely.


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I’m Going Crazy

Today I got the day off. I am freaking loving it. Well, actually I was. Yesterday I was wondering what I was going to do with all this free time. I was actually having a panic attack trying to find an answer. Did I find one? No. Still haven’t.

So I thought I’d come to my favorite Starbucks and edit one of my YouTube videos. Little did I know what I’d find.

Ok, so first, let me put this out there. Normal people make me uncomfortable. So picture this, a guy sitting at a table, talking to himself, randomly rapping, and then once in a while talking to a toy rabbit the size of a wallet. (Now he’s dancing).

I had to sit right in front of him didn’t I? I didn’t know what was going on. Well, so far he hasn’t done anything that would make me run for the hills, yet, all except for talk to himself. We all do that so don’t act like you don’t. It’s actually very therapeutic. I do it all the time, I just refrain from doing it in public.

Why am I writing about this? I have know clue. It’s whats going, I was going to write about how a friend is pissing me the hell off but we’ll save that juicy content for next post.

Back to our main content, so, I feel like I’m going crazy. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not calling the dude in front of me crazy. I’m saying he might have been through some rough stuff that has made him the person he is today. Which is why I can relate.

Lately I haven’t been myself. Lets, be honest. I’ve kind of never been myself. I always filter myself. I filter myself a whole lot to be honest. Different filters for different people. Why? I have no clue it just comes subconsciously. Where am I going with this? I have no clue but stick with me.

I feel that I play a part in peoples life’s of who they want me to be. You know what I mean? Like I am never the main character. I’m the supporting character in everyone life. If I was killed of aka written off their show, the audience wouldn’t mind. Does it make sense now? Ok. And in doing so I have lost who I really am. Like, I play so many different roles that I lost the main character or the one I am actually meant to play in this life.

Its not being fake. I’m the biggest people pleaser you know. I will go out of my way to make you happy. My opinion will change to what ever you want to hear because that’s just the way it happens. Its not that I want to be fake like that, its that I lost my voice.

Rejection is my worst fear. It has swallowed me whole. All my life I have wanted be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that I am different. I have to learn how to accept that there will be times when people will not like what I have to say, there will be times when they will hate what I want to do, what I prefer to do, what I actually want to do.

I’m on an emotional roller coaster again. I can feel it. I can’t wait to get off.


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Cycle

I’ve talked many times about anxiety on this blog. Its a safe place for me to express my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Many people don’t like to talk about their anxiety with other people because they feel that they are minimized. They feel that the people they tell don’t really care for how they feel or take it as if that person is just asking for attention. I’ve felt this way many times.

At the beginning of last year I was at my emotional worst. I had feelings here and there and I was all over the place. Some how, it feels as if I’m falling back into that cycle.

I think the years of handling stress has worn me down. I used to not be phased by challenges that came about. Dad left? Chill about it. Getting kicked out by landlords? Ok cool. Best friend distancing himself from me? I guess. My moms cancer. Yikes. Every little thing life has thrown my way has been chipping slowly at my wall of strength. So it takes a lot more of me to get back up when I get knocked down.

Get this though, through all this I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve survived. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I was able to handle it, and sometimes I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself.

I’m not exactly sure if what I have is anxiety. Maybe it’s just depression? Or maybe both? Who knows. I just know I’m not supposed to feel like I do. At least I’m trying not to.