Love, Affection, And Attention

I had a talk with my girlfriend just some hours ago about her showing more affection in our relationship. I’m not pushing her to do anything physical, all I’m asking is for her to tell me how she feels. I want to know if she’s happy or sad or mad or something, anything! Just tell me how you feel!

I’ve mentioned before on how I feel as if I’m dating a rock. And it does honestly make me feel that way. Sure, when we were friends it was fun and I really enjoyed being around her but now that we are in a relationship it’s different, or at least for me it should have been. I thought things would change but I still feel as if I’m just a simple little old friend.

But thanks to her I see what I want in a relationship. I want love, affection, and attention. I want someone who will make me a priority just as I have to them. Someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want a connection, I want chemistry. And what I have now is not that.

I told her I don’t want to continue on like this but when she started to cry I caved in and agree to try a little more. And I honestly will. Maybe she does need time, or maybe she needs something else? I’m not sure but I know what I want and she doesn’t.

I’m giving her a month to see what happens. I don’t expect things to change but in the course of our conversation she pretty much explained to me how she doesn’t see herself changing and she really doesn’t need cheesy acts of love in her life and she’s fine with me not doing those things. The problem is I want to do those things and I want those feelings reciprocated like just about anyone else.

Putting it in my head that this isn’t gonna work out will help me leave her for sure this time. And also distancing myself from her little by little bit at the same time being super nice, this will help us heal better and maybe it will be good to just go back to being friends.

My best friend doesn’t want me to end it. He says it can work out, but can it? I don’t know. We have very different view points in many things and as much as I’ve tried to get this going I always seem to have a problem with something. So maybe it’s me? But I won’t use that excuse because I’m always the one compromising.

Anyway those are my thoughts for right now. Of course they can change because usually they do, can’t help but be myself.

I’m Dating A Rock

Will someone tell me if love is supposed to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I can not get a break. I mean, I’ve tried love so many ways and so many times with so many people and it seems like it just isn’t going for me. Maybe, just maybe, I over think too much. Or maybe it might just be who I am as a person. I’m going to be stuck being one of those people that will for ever be alone. And when people look to me they’ll say, “why are you alone? You are such a great person, anyone would have been lucky to have yuh.”

That’s the thing, I don’t know why I would end up alone, or even answer that question, but it seems that after every relationship I am. Do I ask for too much? Am I needy? Clingy? I’m sure there has to be a person out there like me, someone who feels the same way as me.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while now and I’m having trouble, hmm let’s say, trying to figure out if she has a heart.

I know it’s doesn’t sound nice of me. I know it’s probably cruel to say it, but I’m dating a freaking rock. If I tell her I like her, she says thanks. If I tell her she’s beautiful, she denies it. If I compliment her in any way she won’t take it. Those aren’t things you say or do when your dating.

I still feel like I’m just one of her friends and not her boyfriend. She never says anything cheesy or romantic. That’s what I crave, that’s what I need! I want to be smothered in love. I want to feel warm inside all the time. I want to think of her and feel happy, not sad because she’s hiding her feelings from me.

She told me she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. I don’t know what to do with this information. Am I supposed to show her? Isn’t it just something you do? A simple, “hey I don’t know how to say this but I feel good being around you ” would be nice. Or even a miss you here and there wouldn’t feel to bad either. I just want expressions that make me know that you like me being around you. Just something, anything!

If I can’t get any human emotion out of her then I think it will be best to just leave things as they are now.

Do They Know Me?

The concept of actually knowing some one makes my little brain flutter with emotions.

How do you know someone? Sure, you know there favorite color, favorite foods, the things that make them happy, and even the things that they hate. But these are just things that you know of them, not necessarily them, themselves.

I know a lot of people. Well better said, I know of a lot of people. I know many things about them. Through the course of years I’ve gotten to know more and more about them. They too have grown to know of me. But do they know me?

Do they know me? No. They know the me that I let them see. They know the person I want them to see. The person they want me to be. Why? To keep them? To make them happy? To not cause any confrontations? The answer to all of these may possibly be yes.

I would like someone, at least one person, to get to know me. Not of me. Not my favorite color, nor food, or anything that describes me. I want them to know me.

There’s Nothing Left Here To Fight For

Emotions.

I am full of emotions. I love emotions. Feelings.

I think a lot. Some times it’s about good things and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it’s about how people make me feel. Usually it’s about how bad they make me feel. Rejection.

Right now my best friend, the one that I consider to be the closest to, is being as regular teens would call it a little bitch.

I don’t usually like to l say words like that on here because I try to be more professional but it’s driving me crazy.

Today I came to an amusement park with him, and it usually is great, I have the time of my life with him here. Today is not one of those days. On the car ride here, he was on his phone the whole time. Why?

While in line to go on rides he was on his phone the whole time as well. Specifically texting. Who is he texting? Why is he texting them? Am I that boring that he has to be texting someone else? I thought the whole point in hanging out and having fun is to have each other’s company? Why does he need to talk to someone else?

If I let him know that bothers me he’s going to think I’m too controlling, which in part I am. Or he’ll say something cheesy like, but I’m here with you and spending time with you, who cars if I’m talking to them.

I do. I demand attention. Was I on my phone the whole day? No, I ignored and still ignore everyone to give you my full attention. Yet, you don’t care enough to try to make conversation with me ? Like, all of my other friends wouldn’t have their phone out, they wouldn’t be talking to other people. They would divide their attention throughout the group that is present.

But why? I ask. Why did he do that? I was quite for some time. Not speaking much. Just giving random words here and there but not actually in the conversation. I wonder if he noticed? I wonder if he cared? Maybe he thought I was just being my blue self .

Either, he made me feel unimportant. Like he doesn’t care about our friendship. Like there isn’t even an us.

My heart hurts at the thought that our friendship has gone off the rails. That it’s all over. The flames have been put out. And there’s nothing left here to fight for.

Why?

Dear Journal, 

          I am, in yet, another conundrum. But as I lay here in bed writing this, I wonder, is it of my own doing? Or am I one of those people that has such a big heart that can only find blame in ones self and not others? Would a person with a big heart say that? 

          Why do I say this? Well, one of my friends sent me a Snapchat the other day. I ignored it because I just couldn’t face to open up a conversation after we hadn’t spoken in months. And also, or should I say mainly? I was some what mad. Maybe a little irritated that this person would try to start a conversation after this long, by means of a social media. Why not text and say hey, I miss you how you been? Or possibly I was wondering how your doing. A freaking call would have been nice! But no, there was no call, no text, just a simple picture that erased after four seconds never to see the light of day again. So, of course, I did not respond. 

           Today she sent a video. You you think it was heart warming? Maybe some words of motivation? No. I noticed that at the same time I got the snap she and her husband were out and about with they’re dog and she put it on her “story”. Must have been a video about that. I did not open it and I have yet to. I don’t want to. Right now I’m in a shitty place in my life that I can barley bare day by day. And you have the audacity to send me cute snaps and videos of you having the time of your life? Excuse me but, what the fuck? That’s not what you do to a friend. Oh your sad? Oh, life isn’t treating you well? That’s to bad, but look at my cute dog playing in the sand on the beach by the hotel we booked for the weekend because we just had extra money around and we didn’t know what else to do with it. Ok maybe that’s an extreme exaggeration, but that’s what I feel. Unfortunately that’s how my brain is wired to think. 

          Then on the whole other side of the coin I blame myself fully. I don’t diserve friends like that. I know that they care. They are the best, they are good.  I stood them up because I didn’t have enough money to buy chips and didn’t have the balls to tell them. (Then again, anxiety). Every time they reached out I pushed hem away. (Then again, they didn’t actually try). 

          We all may have a little to do in all this but deep down I just have so many things to yell at them. I just need to get it all out of my system. To ask them questions. Beg them for explanations. 

          Why didn’t you notice I was falling apart? Why didn’t you see how much I was struggling? Didn’t you see how my smiles turned into frowns? Why didn’t you notice how unhappy I was feeling? Why didn’t you sympathize when I said things weren’t going so good? Why didn’t you ask if everything was actually ok when I said it was? Why did you wave evey forced smile when you knew there was more behind it? Why didn’t you care? Why didn’t you try harder? Why did you stop trying? 

Why?


4/25/2017