I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

My Weight Loss Summer Journey

Three months ago I wrote a post about how unhealthy and fat I was feeling. Here I am now in the present, today. Living a healthy life. Well, trying to, if I’m being honest.

I have lost about 25 pounds (if not more, not to flex or anything LOL). In the pictures maybe you can notice but I did lose a lot. I am proud of myself. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of self control.

At first it was extremely hard. I remember I was eating out for lunch almost every single day. When I say eating I mean EATING. Every day it I felt like I could eat more and more. There was actually times when I would eat and still feel as if I had more room in my stomach. I would also go for the biggest things.  I thought, the bigger the deal, the more I’m getting for my money. But in reality, my health was going down hill and the only thing that was getting bigger was my waist.

SO, going from burgers every single day to a salad was not easy. But I slowly transitioned. Soon I was eating a salad every day for lunch. I switched my coffee in the mornings to tea (even though I went back to coffee later on, but shhhh we don’t talk about that). I tried to cut out carbs from my diet as much as I could, but not completely, I mean c’mon I’m not a sociopath.

Then I started going for a walk at my local park. ALONE. Yes, people need motivation and support, but there’s something about just walking alone, in your thoughts, with your music hitting your eardrums like a hammer on a nail.

My walk progressed to a slow jog and now I can run for a good while. At the beginning it was very difficult to see results. But looking back now, I see how I (slowly) progressed. I just had to keep at it.

I am very proud of my weight loss. I think that I am in the best shape of my life. I know I am not in the best shape in general, but still I feel great. I do have some concerns though. Well, mostly just one.

Gaining all my weight back. How would I? Two reasons. I have really bad shin splints, and I’m taking Lexapro.

If you don’t know what shin splints are then your are one lucky son of a duck. They suck and they are hard to get rid of. Basically its a sharp pain that affects the shin area of your leg. It can occur for many reasons. Flat feet, uneven surfaces that you may walk on, bad running habits, or increasing the amount of your training too rapidly before your muscles can get a chance to grow and adapt. I feel that I got them for all those reasons and more. If I can’t walk, job, or run, I am scared I’ll gain all the weight back and more.

Lexapro. If you didn’t know, I have anxiety. (One of my many wonderful character traits). A lot of it, if I could give it away or throw it out I would but sadly I can’t so here we are. I take this med to help with it. I have been taking it for about a week now. I haven’t noticed many, or if any, changes. The doctor said I would in about 3 to 4 weeks. That’s not my issue though. One of the side effects is weight gain. I’m already concerned about my shins, now this. Great. Or maybe its just my anxiety trying to get the best out of me before the med hits.

I want to get a gym membership to use other equipment that wont be too hard on my legs. But then I wimp out. I also thought of getting a bike. But then I remember that people in this dumb town don’t lock up their dogs and they chew people up in the street on the daily. Lovely.

SO, in the mean time I’ll just take it easy and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Ugh.

*Sips venti Starbucks Frappuccino*

Keto Diet

If you have been living under a rock just as I have, you have no clue what the keto diet is. I have only recently been informed that this is the new diet that is totes “in” right now. It’s trending and its only a matter of time before its more popular then being vegan. Everyone is on it.

But, what exactly is the keto diet? A keto or ketogenic diet is a very low-carb diet, which can help you burn fat more effectively. According to the internet. Don’t take anything I say literal because I am no doctor and I do not have one ounce of knowledge in my brain about being healthy, but I mean if its online its basically stone cold facts. Right?

If you are slow like me it will take you countless websites and about an hour of reading to finally catch on to what this trend in eating is actually about. But, here, let me simplify it for you. Basically…or allegedly, if you stop eating carbs, your body will burn fat. And as I read on some sites, your body burns fat faster than it burns carbs. So logically, because you know we are, not eating carbs your body will be FORCED to burn fat. Isn’t that just lovely? Sounds like a lie right? It might be but who knows.

On this diet you can not eat any carbs or sugars. I feel like I haven’t said that enough so I said it again. Only eat fats. “Healthy fats”. You can’t just think your going to go out and eat fried things and what not, no, calm down, sit down, I’m not finished. You have to eat like chicken and eggs and cheese and all that crap. No bread, tortilla, candy, and (god help us) NO FRIES. Oh and to make matters worse NO PIZZA. Ok I know I’m losing some of you on this diet right? I literary heard someone click off.

People are actually losing weight on this diet though. They are losing it drastically. Not like try it one day and be a Victoria secret model the next day fast, but still pretty fast. So the big question is should you do it? Should I do it? I don’t now. You can do what ever you want. Seems like its worked for some people. But at the same time I love food to much to be anal about what I can and can not eat, you know what I mean?

Look, I’ve tried being a vegan, vegetarian, and all that and nothing has ever helped me lose weight then me just eating healthy. A good balanced diet never hurt no one. Sure, cut some sugar out of your life and maybe put those fries down. Instead of five slices of pizza only eat three, you’ll thank me later. And most importantly, or not really but I just needed a good transition phrase, exercise.


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Game Plan

Ok, so I have a game plan (I think).

 

Yesterday I had what someone would call an epiphany. But what do I call it? I call it a wake up call from my stupidity. I am fat. Lets just get straight to the point here. Don’t sit there and tell me other wise, because you can’t see me, and honestly that’s a good thing. You should be grateful. You should pray to God or what ever you do and feel blessed you can’t see aaaall this.

Also, don’t come at me with the whole, you should love yourself just the way you are BS. Because, I do. I do love myself. That’s why I always buy myself food and please my taste buds like I do. Its not that I care what other people say either because I high key don’t anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to look like a fat pig either you know?

Ok, all physical appearances aside, lets talk about the health side of this. I get heartburn maybe about seven times a day. That’s not ok because it means I’m harboring battery acid in my stomach or something and it needs to stop. ASAP. I am buying about 30$ worth of anti acids a month and that money can be going to something else. Plus, I’m constantly weak. I get tired so fast, I have no endurance what so ever. I tried to pick up some cardboard today at work and I needed to sit down and meditate afterwards because I felt like I was about to get a hemorrhoid or pull a muscle.

So what am I going to do? Well, after researching and coming to the horrid conclusion that I can not afford any type of surgery, I have decided that I have to take this matter into my own hands. No, I will not be preforming surgery on myself, silly goose. I will be, ugh, dare I say it… “eating healthy and exercising.”

I know that the first step is the hardest. So, what I have made is a list. A list of things that I will not eat. I didn’t go all hardcore on it either or else I might go crazy and bite a live cow or something. I also told my self that I will be going walking every single day for two weeks straight. Just to see if I see a change. I REALLY WANT TO SEE A CHANGE. I’ll take it slow the first couple of days (because I am slow). And I will try my best to keep it up.

I live in So Cal (that’s California, us hipsters call it that ….hahah..ha). So technically it’s summer here already. Summer started the last time it rained. Its been an average of 75 degrees this whole week. Its only going to get hotter and I want to be able to show off my rockin’ hot bod. “But, Peter! You should feel comfortable in your own skin,” you said. You’re right. And I do, but I’m an attention whore not really but yeah and I want to be complimented, so there’s that.


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I Need To Start A Diet

There’s no way of saying this so I’m just going go out there and grab the bull by the horns and say it. I need to start a diet. I realized this today in the morning. I was thinking about all the time I spend editing my videos and I always get mad when I see my double chin. I mean c’mon it’s not a pleasant thing to see.

 

I know I’m no fat. Every single person that I tell that I need to lose weight always jumps straight to, “you’re not fat! You’re tall so you hide it well.” Um, ok? What does that even mean? Are all tall people supposed to be fat? Or not supposed to be? I’m not even trying to hide anything either. So if I was short then what would be the comment? Oh yeah you do have to lose weight, you’re short and it doesn’t look good on you. But since I’m a freaking giraffe, all is good in the world. Maybe I’m hiding my fat in my neck and people can’t notice my double chin because there on the ground and I’m (according to some people) a walking skyscraper. I’m not even that tall bro.

 

Thinking about eating right and exercising  gives me the chills. I have goosebumps on my arms right now just writing this. I hate eating healthy. I love my burgers and chips. Lets not even get into the candy because I will fight someone. And exercising? Well, its not too bad. I just never have time or don’t know where to go.

 

Last year I went to the gym and got addicted. I remember I did like it. Would I go back to the same one? I don’t think so. Am I going to find a new place? Maybe. I need something closer to home. Or maybe just buy some equipment at home and use it there. Not sure, but something has to change. This double chin that I have now has to evacuate up off my face.


 

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Destiny, Fate, Or What Ever You Want To Call

Do you believe in fate? How about destiny? Many people believe that our lives are already planned out for us by a higher power and we are just following the path laid before us, are you one of them?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This expression is very known. But what does it actually mean? Is it a positive expression? “Hey I found this 100 dollar bill on the ground, I really needed it, everything happens for a reason.”

Or maybe you happen to get a flat tire on the freeway, “well everything happens for a reason Susan.” That’s more negative, you see?

And to be completely honest I’ve heard it both used in a positive way and a negative way. But what happens when something happens so out of the blue that you don’t even know if it’s a good or bad thing?

Well maybe I’m going way to far out there on this and being too over dramatic. Depends how you look at things. Let me give you a little bit of a back story.

Since I’ve quit the gym I’ve been going to the local park to walk around. I’ve also been taking my mom since the doctors recommended her to exercise more as well.

My local park is no ordinary park, no no. There is also a library and a community center there as well. So picture this. There are people walking there dogs, kids playing on the play ground, and there are little league games going on in distant baseball fields.

This is where, destiny, fate, or what ever you want to call it comes into place. I’m walking on the side walk around the whole proximity of the park. I’d say it’s about a mile around.

I’m walking past the community center parking lot and this white car facing the side walk honks at me. At first I don’t pay attention. Why should I? I’m minding my own business waking on the side walk unbothered by everyone and everything else.

But then, they honk again and that’s when I turn. It was like a scene of a movie. An old friend happened to park in the exact same parking spot that I would be walking right in front of. What would be the chances? I haven’t seen her in maybe more than two months. And honestly not because I didn’t want to. I’ve been trying to change my lifestyle remember?

Get this, she was there because her moms friends daughter was having a quince party. That’s a huge blow out party in Latin culture when a girl turns fifteen. Sort of like a sweet sixteen.

She didn’t have to go to that party. But she was there. Parking her car exactly where and when I was walking. I really didn’t feel like walking at all. (I had just eaten Chinese food and felt more like sleeping). But there I was walking right in front of where she happened to park.

Coincidence? Fate? Destiny? What if I had to tie my shoe? I would have missed her. What if one, only one, of the traffic lights she had gone through was red instead of green? She would have missed me. I would have been on the other side of the park.

Maybe I’ve been looking into this way too much, I have had a lot of time on my hands today. But nonetheless this is just one of those moments in life that make you say wtf. Deep down I know it was a sign, I don’t know what sign, but it was a sign.

Quit The Gym

What would you do to have the best body ever? How much time would you be willing to invest to have the greatest body you could ever have? How much money would you be willing to spend to get that body?

No, this isn’t an ad for something and I’m not selling any pills that will magically make you into that cover girl or get you that surfer dude’s body. These are just some of the questions I asked myself before I decided to quit the gym.

Yes, I quit the gym. I know in previous posts I was so eager to go back and be hit the gym hard and get toned and back into shape. But the thing is, I wasn’t going to do it for myself.

See, all my life I’ve wanted to be someone else. In the sense that I’ve always wanted to be more social, more out there, louder, and more confident. And this summer that was who I was. But where was all of that coming from? Where was my confidence coming from? From my body.

I thought that by looking good, people were generally going to accept me, and I live off of being accepted. Plus in my mind I always considered myself as fat. I’m not fat or obese. I’m only fifteen pounds over what I should actually weigh. And that’s not entirely bad.

This society made me think that in order to be accepted I have to be a certain size or shape. Even weight! I always felt that people would look at me like I was different, even to the point of thinking they would see me as ugly and detestable.

And a part of me, the very superficial part of me, thought that by having a good body I was going to be able to get the sexual attention I wanted. And I’m not going to lie, I got it. It was fun. It was great. But it wasn’t for me. The people who would be with me only wanted to be with me because they liked what they saw, and that’s not bad, but that’s all they saw. They never saw me. They didn’t want to get to know me. They just wanted my body. *insert what everyone is thinking here* (Get over yourself will you).

But I came to a conclusion the other day. My body should not be the reason I have friends, or relationships, or even where my confidence should come from. I am so much more than my body. So what if I gained a little weight? We all go through a rough patch with our bodies. I love food to much to say no to it.

On the other hand, I’m not saying I’m going to be consuming calories like the government consumes your taxes. No. Running is one of the most anti stress tools that I have ever found to help me. And I’ve always enjoyed it.

Do I need a gym for it? No there are parks. Do I need to pay for them? No, the government already takes my money to keep them nice and pretty. Will I be going crazy trying to get that Calvin Klein looking body? No, for once in my life I’m content with my body. And for once in my life I don’t need to be accepted by anyone to be happy. Because happiness does not come form other people. Or the acceptance of them. If they don’t like you why be around them? Happiness doesn’t come from them. It comes from within. I dare you to go find it.

Not Bad News

Ok, so here's the sitch, I went to work today feeling like I was the king of the world. But can you blame me? I was the only one up for a promotion and I really thought I was going to get it, I didn't. But before you go on and say hot dam another depressing post, hold your horses because it's not one.

The position hasn't been filled yet, that's only because they want to move her (the girl who doesn't want it anymore) to a different department, but moving her they have to move someone else. Why do companies do that? Every little change affects them in some way. Which is mostly every occasion.

Want to make a change? How much money will it cost? What to fix a problem? How much money will it cost? I feel that they are looking at it all wrong but what ever. Form what I hear on the street the job is mine. It's looking for an new spot for her that's the problem.

So you see? Not bad news, just regular news. I'm getting better at this optimistic thing don't you think?


My weekend wasn't that bad either. Went to work and then grocery shopping. Found out our food stamps card has been cut off. And instead of fighting for it I said fuck it. Yes we will struggle for a month or so but with the new promotion (fingers crossed) hopefully it will help.

After that I reluctantly bought a exercise bike. It was on sale so I had to get it. The neighbors stupid dog still won't shut up so I have to find other ways to keep my hot smoking body in shape lol what body?

My Sunday was bland. I pretty much organized my room and I filed some mail that had been sitting on that chair that I know all y'all have. You know. That chair you have in your room to "sit" on but you only use it as something to place things on. Like clothes or books even things who have no intention of putting away.

Anyway of topic sorry . I am working on my other blog and it's coming along good. Hopefully I can publish it soon. I'm excited. Other than that life's a bit boring. So bye FeliCa.

Emotional Recovery 

            Today we had our first check up since my moms surgery. According to the doctor everything is turning out “beautifully”. Makes me happy to hear that. Although while we were there and they were taking the gauze off I had to help undress my mom. 

            Now, never did I think I would be doing such thing. But, her health is my priority. Once the gauze was off I got to see the wound. It wasn’t a pretty site. It was actually a little unsettling. If I was shaken up about it, I can only imagen how she felt. Like, a part of her, a part that made her her, is now gone. 

            Once the doctor was examining her, I sat there thinking, how would I feel if a part of me was no more? How would you feel? It’s something that you have to kind of train your brain to think about, and also later accept. Then I thought of all the women who get mastectomies and they have to remove both breasts. That must be wicked hard. And I have mad respect for them. If your one of them, you are strong and I am proud of you. 

            If your a guy reading this and you don’t understand because your a cold hearted and closed minded asshole, just picture someone taking one of your balls off, maybe even both. How would you feel? They are part of you. Part of what make you male. So for a women to get a breast or breasts removed is hard. Extremely hard. Because sure they can take your balls off no one would notice. But breasts are pretty visible. 

            Anyway, the doctor said there might not even be any need for chemo, but that would be up to the oncologist. We have to make an appointment to see him soon. 

            I could tell that my mom was shaken up about seeing her wound. She said she didn’t want to see it but she did anyway. I hugged her and encouraged her the most that I could. Got her to see the bright side of all this. This is all for the better and her health is the most important thing. She cheered up a bit once I started making my little jokes, I like to see her smile. 

            Now, hopefully we are on the path of recovery. I have to find some exercises for her arm so it won’t stiffen up. Also maybe a bra that will get her self estime up a little. I know this isn’t easy for her and I want to make it as easy and as painless as I can. Even though it’s a lot of physical recovery I feel that there will also be a lot of emotional recovery, and I will be there every step of the way to make it better.  

Shin Splints 

            I love running. Especially outside. I’ll admit I did want a treadmill once, but that desire faded away as soon as I saw how nice and beautiful it is to breathe the fresh air outside. 

            Running for me is such a good way for me to relive my stress. To let everything go with every single footstep I place on the ground. My lungs fill up with new air as worries and problems get exhaled and left behind. My mind travels to places that my feet can’t go while music flows through my ears right into my soul. 

            So what happens when that is taken away from you? Tragedy. Ok maybe that’s a little too dramatic. But for me knowing I can’t run for a while is nearly devastating. 

            Let me explain. So basically what happened as I hiked up my usual mountain today in the early morning is that my shins failed me. That bone that runs from your knee to your foot? Yeah that one! The middle part of my shin, the inner part, was hurting like HELL. On both feet! 

            Turns out it’s called shin splints. And it’s actually really common in runners. Well, runners that are very unbalanced. Which I suppose, I am. I have to take the blame on this one (obviously) and say that it’s my fault. I have had minor pain in the same location but had ignored it. I just thought it was sore. But you should never ignore your body! I just learned that today. 

            If I would have listened to my body and investigated this sooner I probably would have fought this early on and would have just cooled down my runs. Now I’m left to stop running completely for a week or so while it heals up. 


            I bought some athletic tape and some neoprene sleeves for both legs. I also placed a cold pad on them for a little while. The pain has gone away, but that doesn’t mean that it’s healed. When I apply pressure it feels like agony. 



            My mom told me that I should cool it down when I run. But I don’t even run that intense. I think it’s just that I stopped so long ago then testarted a long while after and my body was just like WTF Dude? You know? 

            For now all I’m left with is yoga. I tried it once, but didn’t have the patients for it. I’m going to give it another try and see how it goes. Maybe it will calm and relax me in a different way? I’ll do anything right now, don’t have any other options of exercise, other than weights and I do that already.