First Thanksgiving

This will be my very first Thanksgiving I will be celebrating. It’s really the year of firsts isn’t it?

My boyfriend invited me to his families Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. I was really excited when he did. Everything that involves him and spending time with him makes me happy.

I am nervous though. I am not good at meeting new people. I have only met one of his sisters and when I say ‘met’ I mean it very loosely. I have also met his mom and stepdad, but the only words we have ever exchanged is hello and goodbye when I’m leaving and they happen to be in the living room.

I’m usually the quite one in the group when meeting new people. I need to see who they are, I need to feel the environment, I need to fell safe. If not then I’ll go into my shell. There are times when surprisingly I will be the most talkative. Usually that’s with my friends.

The thing is that all his family will be there. I don’t know them, I don’t know how they function. Plus, this is the first Thanksgiving I will be attending so its new all together.

I’m scared yes, but at the same time I’m excited. I want to be happy, I want to live my life.

 

I’m Going Crazy

Today I got the day off. I am freaking loving it. Well, actually I was. Yesterday I was wondering what I was going to do with all this free time. I was actually having a panic attack trying to find an answer. Did I find one? No. Still haven’t.

So I thought I’d come to my favorite Starbucks and edit one of my YouTube videos. Little did I know what I’d find.

Ok, so first, let me put this out there. Normal people make me uncomfortable. So picture this, a guy sitting at a table, talking to himself, randomly rapping, and then once in a while talking to a toy rabbit the size of a wallet. (Now he’s dancing).

I had to sit right in front of him didn’t I? I didn’t know what was going on. Well, so far he hasn’t done anything that would make me run for the hills, yet, all except for talk to himself. We all do that so don’t act like you don’t. It’s actually very therapeutic. I do it all the time, I just refrain from doing it in public.

Why am I writing about this? I have know clue. It’s whats going, I was going to write about how a friend is pissing me the hell off but we’ll save that juicy content for next post.

Back to our main content, so, I feel like I’m going crazy. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not calling the dude in front of me crazy. I’m saying he might have been through some rough stuff that has made him the person he is today. Which is why I can relate.

Lately I haven’t been myself. Lets, be honest. I’ve kind of never been myself. I always filter myself. I filter myself a whole lot to be honest. Different filters for different people. Why? I have no clue it just comes subconsciously. Where am I going with this? I have no clue but stick with me.

I feel that I play a part in peoples life’s of who they want me to be. You know what I mean? Like I am never the main character. I’m the supporting character in everyone life. If I was killed of aka written off their show, the audience wouldn’t mind. Does it make sense now? Ok. And in doing so I have lost who I really am. Like, I play so many different roles that I lost the main character or the one I am actually meant to play in this life.

Its not being fake. I’m the biggest people pleaser you know. I will go out of my way to make you happy. My opinion will change to what ever you want to hear because that’s just the way it happens. Its not that I want to be fake like that, its that I lost my voice.

Rejection is my worst fear. It has swallowed me whole. All my life I have wanted be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that I am different. I have to learn how to accept that there will be times when people will not like what I have to say, there will be times when they will hate what I want to do, what I prefer to do, what I actually want to do.

I’m on an emotional roller coaster again. I can feel it. I can’t wait to get off.


Watch my latest YouTube video

Not For You, Not For Them, But For Me

Two weeks ago, I made an elaborate plan to take my life. This is my story.

Never in my life have I felt so low. Yes, considering all things I had thought about it many many times before. Had I ever acted upon it? No. This time it was different. This time, I was way to close.

It has taken me two weeks to come to terms with everything and finally write about it. Not for you, not for them, but for me. I need to let it out. Let my brain know that even if I don’t know you, at least you have known what I’ve been through.

My life has always been stressful. But these past couple of weeks of been the hurricane to the normal storms I was having.

With my mom’s reconstruction surgery coming soon, work problems, religion, and my best friend suddenly turning his back towards me, I saw no other option at that point.

I was tired. I was humiliated. I was worried. I was scared. All my options had all run out, or so I thought. So what would you do standing in a cliff when your heart is the one screaming no but your brain shouts louder walk.

I cried. Cried so hard there were no more tears my eyes were able to give. So hard that my lungs did more work in my life than they have ever done while running. Face red, cheeks sore, throat horse, I fell asleep.

My indecisiveness finally came in handy. The day I awoke I felt better about everything. Like I had gotten a second chance. Nothing changed. What changed was the way I viewed them.

My friend came to apologize. I forgave him on the spot. We all need forgiveness. We should not be walking around this life with extra baggage when we already have so much to carry.

I won’t say things will get better for anyone. Because, honestly, sometimes they don’t. All I can say is what can get better, is the way you view them.

Surgery

We have another life decision to make. Well, my mom does.

It’s time for her reconstruction surgery. We saw the doctor and he gave us two options of what she can chose to do.

The first one is the most common. Breast implants. It’s the usual surgery of implanting silicone bags where the breast used to be. There are not too many complications. The only down side is she would be needing to change the bags every 10 years or so, as it is recommended.

The other option, the one that frightens me, is having part of her own fat transferred from the stomach or another part of the body, to her breast.

This one has more complications. It involves the doctors removing fat and arteries from a part of her body and putting it the place where her old breast used to be. This surgery is 8-10 hour surgery and she would need to be under intensive care since it involves arteries.

The second one scares me the most since the surgery lasts so long and the fact that something can go wrong with the veins and such is what scares me the most. But it seems that this is the one she is leaning towards the most.

She explained that even though its so long and there are risks, once its all over it will be over, and it will be part of  her body. The implants she will have to replace every two years and her body might not take them well.

What made her even more confident is that the doctor told her that she was a great candidate for the fat transfer. Hearing this also made me feel better about that surgery but over all its her decisions and she will do what she thinks is  best for her.

 

Scared For 2018

So right now snapchat, instagram, and Facebook are all being flooded with post about how 2017 treated people. Some are saying that it was great and some are saying how it’s the worst year yet.

For me I’m swiping through word press and see all the 2017 posts as well. People saying goodbye to this year and hello to the next.

All the while I’m in my bed just listing to music. Doing nothing special. Not drinking, not having fun. Just boring old me in my bed. Sadly I work tomorrow but over time is over time.

I messaged a friend and told him that I really did appreciate his friendship this year. Through our ups and downs. Our adventures and out boring phases . It was all fun and great and he really did make this year better.

I’m scared for 2018 honestly. Everyone says that the next year will be better but it seems to only get worse. What’s going on? I have so many questions and no one seems to want to answer them. Am I the only one who’s scared?

Rejection 

            It’s crazy how we as human beings always have to be a part of something. We always have to feel wanted. And when we don’t, the feeling of rejection feels like fire consumming up a beautiful green forest in the middle of the night. It feels like a knife slowly erupting from within the heart cutting circulation and cutting life itself. At least for me it does. 

            That’s pretty much how I have felt all my life. One of my main fears, if not my number one, would be, rejection. It feels awful. One of the worst feelings someone can have. Specially when all you have ever wanted was to be part of something, to be, involved. 

            Everyday at work the coworkers I associate the most with and I always sit at the same table. We have marked it as our table. Not literally of course but mostly everyone knows that it is where we sit on our breaks and lunches. But some times someone new or just another random employee will sit there. That won’t make my coworkers sit else where though. They will just pull up a chair and sit around them. 

            It may seem rude but they are polite and say hi and offer their food or snacks. Maybe we should sit somewhere else? Maybe we should get there earlier? But we don’t. 

            Today though was different. I got ther last and all the seats were taken. It’s a table for four, and I was number seven. I pulled up a chair and Mr. Brown who was sitting at a near by table said, “Dam man! There’s a free table right there.” 

           I felt really bad. Yes, I could have gone to that table and sat alone. And even though I don’t consider my coworkers friends they are still close associates I talk to. As bad as it sounds they are there to fill the empty void I would feel if I was alone. 

            When Mr. Brown said that, it made me feel bad. Bad that I wasn’t brave enough to sit alone. Bad that I always had that feeling of rejection in the back of my mind that I had to avoid. Bad that I always had a feeling of being wanted. Bad that I had to sit at that table to feel part of something. Bad because I was just using them to not feel alone. 

But, am I the only one?

Just Might Let Go

           I am so stressed. I fear for my future. It’s hard to say what will become of me in the next weeks. I feel like i am going crazy. Multiple times I have found myself zoned out just, thinking.

           Questions flood my mind, like, how will we eat? How will we pay our bills? How will we pay the rent? Will we even have a place to live? How will we move on? Can we? Can I?

           I can now confirm that my back pain is do to stress. Every time I find myself thinking about things my back turns out to feel worse. I can’t think straight at work . I have been making more and more mistakes as the days go by. I have been known for not making any, now I don’t know how to explain them all. I just can’t focus. Sleep is getting harder to do. I can’t fall asleep easy and when I wake up I lie in bed paralyzed by what I have to get up to. Every day is darker than the past.

           I don’t know what else to do to get my mind off all my problems. Reading and watching TV does not help. Listening to music only clouds my thoughts but doesn’t fix them. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone wont help, all they will tell me is to ‘hang in there and wait ’till it gets better.’ But its funny, because I know it wont. It can’t. They don’t know me. They are not in my situation. How can they possibly say that it will get better? How can they possibly know?

They don’t.

           I don’t think I have ever been so close to the end of my rope. Or, maybe I have, but this time I feel that I just might let go.

I just wish everything would just stop.

Why?

Dear Journal, 

          I am, in yet, another conundrum. But as I lay here in bed writing this, I wonder, is it of my own doing? Or am I one of those people that has such a big heart that can only find blame in ones self and not others? Would a person with a big heart say that? 

          Why do I say this? Well, one of my friends sent me a Snapchat the other day. I ignored it because I just couldn’t face to open up a conversation after we hadn’t spoken in months. And also, or should I say mainly? I was some what mad. Maybe a little irritated that this person would try to start a conversation after this long, by means of a social media. Why not text and say hey, I miss you how you been? Or possibly I was wondering how your doing. A freaking call would have been nice! But no, there was no call, no text, just a simple picture that erased after four seconds never to see the light of day again. So, of course, I did not respond. 

           Today she sent a video. You you think it was heart warming? Maybe some words of motivation? No. I noticed that at the same time I got the snap she and her husband were out and about with they’re dog and she put it on her “story”. Must have been a video about that. I did not open it and I have yet to. I don’t want to. Right now I’m in a shitty place in my life that I can barley bare day by day. And you have the audacity to send me cute snaps and videos of you having the time of your life? Excuse me but, what the fuck? That’s not what you do to a friend. Oh your sad? Oh, life isn’t treating you well? That’s to bad, but look at my cute dog playing in the sand on the beach by the hotel we booked for the weekend because we just had extra money around and we didn’t know what else to do with it. Ok maybe that’s an extreme exaggeration, but that’s what I feel. Unfortunately that’s how my brain is wired to think. 

          Then on the whole other side of the coin I blame myself fully. I don’t diserve friends like that. I know that they care. They are the best, they are good.  I stood them up because I didn’t have enough money to buy chips and didn’t have the balls to tell them. (Then again, anxiety). Every time they reached out I pushed hem away. (Then again, they didn’t actually try). 

          We all may have a little to do in all this but deep down I just have so many things to yell at them. I just need to get it all out of my system. To ask them questions. Beg them for explanations. 

          Why didn’t you notice I was falling apart? Why didn’t you see how much I was struggling? Didn’t you see how my smiles turned into frowns? Why didn’t you notice how unhappy I was feeling? Why didn’t you sympathize when I said things weren’t going so good? Why didn’t you ask if everything was actually ok when I said it was? Why did you wave evey forced smile when you knew there was more behind it? Why didn’t you care? Why didn’t you try harder? Why did you stop trying? 

Why?


4/25/2017

Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017