I’m so done Journal,
Ok, so as you know Journal, I’ve been going through some rough times lately. And because of such circumstances my anxiety and behavior haven’t really been in control (to say the least) . I’ve been blocking out some people out of my life because, well shit has hit the fan, and I don’t want them to be all covered in my shit. (I’m basically protecting them). You can call it depression, stress, anxiety, or just a series of bad days, but the point is I haven’t been my happy-cheerful self in a long time (since I was like three BTW).
I need help. I need company and support. I need encouragement. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be ok even if it’s not. That fact that you are trying to make me feel better, actually makes me feel better (if that makes any sense). If I push you away, don’t let go. If I say I’m fine, I’m actually saying, please help me, I’m not ok (it’s code). If I act distant, come closer. If I act cold, remind me how warm our friendship can be. If I forget life’s worth, show me what to live for. If I’m unstable, hold me. If I can’t go on any longer, grab my hand and walk with me.
These are only a few of the things I was waiting for from my friends. I swore they were the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Now, as times have come to show I see who they really are (or more, who they can really be). Sure they probably do worry about me and wonder if I’m ok, but take in mind that, that is not the same thing as actuallly checking up on me and seeing to it that I’m doing well. I don’t want their pity I don’t want their money. All I ask for is support. I wish I could share my lows just as well as we share our highs.
Today I was talking to one of my friends (Eli) and she was so motivating. She said how she and her husband are here for me and all that good stuff. But then she said that I had to see that her job is really demanding since she doesn’t have a set schedule (fast food). She said that I should understand since I worked there myself. Which I do, partially. But if I had a friend who was one the verge of doing something that was anything but safe I would no doubt call off and be there for them. That’s what friends are for right? They put anything on the line for you so you don’t cross yours (💀).
That’s what I thought my friends and I had. A solid bond that could never be broken. Well, that “unbreakable bond” has just been shattered to a hundred million tiny pieces. Both of my “best” friends have said to take my time with what ever is going on with me. Like if saying just get through it and when your done hit us up so we can be friends again. Ok, I know no one wants to be friends with someone who is always down and sad, but hey, that’s why you cheer them up. You don’t tell them to take their time and that you’ll be there afterwards when they resolve their problems. No dude, you gotta be there for moral support. Yes you will be there after, but what if that person won’t? What person can’t handle the situation that they are in and all they needed was a friend to listen but all you are waiting for is for them to stop and get better on their own so y’all can “go to Disneyland again” (oh MY Gawd).
I’m done with them. They are not friends to me. They say that they will be there for me but they are not. A real friend would try to find out what’s going on. A real friend would ask until they new what the problem was. A real friend would stay by your side even in the hardest times. A real friend would help you out even when you didn’t want it but needed it. But I guess there are no more real friends for me.