Cycle

I’ve talked many times about anxiety on this blog. Its a safe place for me to express my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Many people don’t like to talk about their anxiety with other people because they feel that they are minimized. They feel that the people they tell don’t really care for how they feel or take it as if that person is just asking for attention. I’ve felt this way many times.

At the beginning of last year I was at my emotional worst. I had feelings here and there and I was all over the place. Some how, it feels as if I’m falling back into that cycle.

I think the years of handling stress has worn me down. I used to not be phased by challenges that came about. Dad left? Chill about it. Getting kicked out by landlords? Ok cool. Best friend distancing himself from me? I guess. My moms cancer. Yikes. Every little thing life has thrown my way has been chipping slowly at my wall of strength. So it takes a lot more of me to get back up when I get knocked down.

Get this though, through all this I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve survived. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I was able to handle it, and sometimes I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself.

I’m not exactly sure if what I have is anxiety. Maybe it’s just depression? Or maybe both? Who knows. I just know I’m not supposed to feel like I do. At least I’m trying not to.

Connected Little Lies

Something happened between one of my friends and I. Yesterday we went to Six Flags yet again and it was such a good day. The ride home was the issue. He was upset that he didn’t win anything on the games that are sort of made up like carnival games. And he was holding on to that feeling the whole drive home.

 

I tried to cheer him up I really did, but nothing seemed to work. Some how we ended up in my kitchen talking about secrets. I told him I had a secret and he told me he had one too. The thing is that I don’t just have one. I have many, or really one big one that spreads out to many little one, they are all connected little lies.

 

He said he wouldn’t be able to tell me his because then I would look at him a different way. But now know he’s hiding something from me so big it bugs me even more. I want to know I do, but then at the same time I really don’t. And then there is the possibility that what ever he is withholding isn’t that huge. Maybe its only in his head?

 

My secret of course is that I’m gay. What is his? How could his be any worse than mine? He said that if I guessed and guessed right he would explain in further detail but if i didn’t then we would just have to move one. But how do you move on from something like this? Nonetheless, how do you try to guess someones secret? It is a secret that’s why you don’t know.

 

I made up my mind that i would just tell him and have him decide what he wants to do. Tell me his secret or what ever he wants to do. I wrote an email to my first and only girlfriend when we broke up telling her why we did, and it did break her heart a little more but she was happy that I had told her.

 

Now in this situation I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t want to see him distance himself from me. Too many people have done that to me and to have one more do that? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Plus this email that I have has some information I have never spoken out loud to anyone. He could drown me with this information. Will he? What do I do? Do I finally come out? Do I finally tell him all the truth? What will he say? What will he do? Will we still be friends in the end?

Crush

Crushes. I hate them. I feel like they are childish. Even the word sounds a bit immature. At my age (23) I should not be getting these “crushes”. I should be building my relationships off of solid and concrete facts, not on “omg he’s so cute.”

So, there’s this guy at work, I never really had a crush on him before and I’ve known him for maybe a little over than a year now. But, as I have gotten to know him my thoughts about him have changed. He’s actually a really cool caring stand up guy.

We’ve gotten really close, and I’m not talking about like falling for each other close, I’m talking about “friends” close. He’s straight and I’m gay. He doesn’t know that I’m a flaming homosexual, only like 2 of my coworkers do. But that hasn’t stopped me from swooning over him ever time he smiles at me or stops me just to catch up.

Our relationship didn’t start to grow until he noticed I was real good friends which one girl he liked. He asked me for advice about how to get close with her and eventually ask her out. I thought, shit he’s actually straight. Because obviously I thought maybe he would out if no where come out.

But he didn’t, and even though it sounds stupid I loved talking to him and just being around him. It just annoyed me when we talked about that girl. She’s so pretty, she’s so cute, it was all blah.

The funny thing, is that when his crush went away from this girl because she was playing hard to get we started to get to know each other more. He would talk less about her and more about himself and also ask questions about me. I honestly thought maybe, just maybe, he could fall for me.

But no, he soon started talking about the girl once again. So now, here I’m left with all the good memories of our conversations. Hoping one day he’ll realize that I am everything he’s looking for.

But that’s highly unlikely to ever happen.

A Real Friend 

I’m so done Journal,

      Ok, so as you know Journal, I’ve been going through some rough times lately. And because of such circumstances my anxiety and behavior haven’t really been in control (to say the least) . I’ve been blocking out some people out of my life because, well shit has hit the fan, and I don’t want them to be all covered in my shit. (I’m basically protecting them). You can call it depression, stress, anxiety, or just a series of bad days, but the point is I  haven’t been my happy-cheerful self in a long time (since I was like three BTW). 

      I need help. I need company and support. I need encouragement. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be ok even if it’s not. That fact that you are trying to make me feel better, actually makes me feel better (if that makes any sense). If I push you away, don’t let go. If I say I’m fine, I’m actually saying, please help me, I’m not ok (it’s code). If I act distant, come closer. If I act cold, remind me how warm our friendship can be. If I forget life’s worth, show me what to live for. If I’m unstable, hold me. If I can’t go on any longer, grab my hand and walk with me. 

      These are only a few of the things I was waiting for from my friends. I swore they were the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Now, as times have come to show I see who they really are (or more, who they can really be). Sure they probably do worry about me and wonder if I’m ok, but take in mind that, that is not the same thing as actuallly checking up on me and seeing to it that I’m doing well. I don’t want their pity I don’t want their money. All I ask for is support. I wish I could share my lows just as well as we share our highs. 

      Today I was talking to one of my friends (Eli) and she was so motivating. She said how she and her husband are here for me and all that good stuff. But then she said that I had to see that her job is really demanding since she doesn’t have a set schedule (fast food). She said that I should understand since I worked there myself. Which I do, partially. But if I had a friend who was one the verge of doing something that was anything but safe I would no doubt call off and be there for them. That’s what friends are for right? They put anything on the line for you so you don’t cross yours (💀). 

      That’s what I thought my friends and I had. A solid bond that could never be broken. Well, that “unbreakable bond” has just been shattered to a hundred million tiny pieces. Both of my “best” friends have said to take my time with what ever is going on with me. Like if saying just get through it and when your done hit us up so we can be friends again. Ok, I know no one wants to be friends with someone who is always down and sad, but hey, that’s why you cheer them up. You don’t tell them to take their time and that you’ll be there afterwards when they resolve their problems. No dude, you gotta be there for moral support. Yes you will be there after, but what if that person won’t? What person can’t handle the situation that they are in and all they needed was a friend to listen but all you are waiting for is for them to stop and get better on their own so y’all can “go to Disneyland again” (oh MY Gawd). 

      I’m done with them. They are not friends to me. They say that they will be there for me but they are not. A real friend would try to find out what’s going on. A real friend would ask until they new what the problem was. A real friend would stay by your side even in the hardest times. A real friend would help you out even when you didn’t want it but needed it. But I guess there are no more real friends for me. 

3/1/2017