Don’t Compare Me To Your Friends

Ok let’s rant shall we?

I had a totally different post planned for today but some events made me change my mind.

So I have this friend that has been there for me for a while now. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. I always forgave her when she canceled and stood me up. Plus, I would always listen to her problems and try my best to help her out. I truly cared for her. She was one of the people that really helped me get me out of my shell and explore and be more out there.

So I bought Escape tickets with her. It’s a rave type of concert for Halloween. I am very excited because I love Halloween! Plus music and good vibes, bring it in.

Today though. She was telling me all the things she’s planning which is cool. I really appreciate that. I do. I like to be ready for things, at the same time sometimes I like to just go for it. I know she’s been to raves and I know she has experience, but she’s being to much right now.

I told her something and she said that her boyfriends is that once and then she didn’t have a good time. Or other times I’ll say something and she’ll immediately say that her friends did that and that this happened. So, me, getting mad at her told her exactly don’t fucking compare me to your friends.

And it’s true she does that all the time. She replays all the scenarios that she’s ever had with her friends and puts me in there. First of all, I’m nothing like her other friends, second of all I’m a different person so the scenarios will be different. She finds that hard to understand.

She straight out came at me. Told me that I was being rude basically and that she has been there for me and blah blah, ok true that doesn’t give you authority over me though. Then she said that who ever I was hanging out with was now changing me.

Um no, I’m finally living a happy life and you’re going to come and tell me I’ve changed? Oh have I changed because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I’m not following over for you? Excuse me but Fuck You. That’s the old me, this is the new me. I’m doing me and I’m doing it well. Like, I love her to death but she has to wake up from her dream.

I Went Alone

Alone. No one wants to ever feel alone, or be left alone. Sure, there are times when you are in a room full of people and all you want for them is to just leave. I get that. But, even after a while by yourself, you will start feeling that feeling of wanting someone by your side. Or maybe you need the support and the extra courage you get when you are with someone else rather than when you are alone.

I was invited to this music festival a while back while I was walking my dogs. Some young girls maybe in their early twenties came up to my brother and I and gave us a flyer. It said ESCAPE on it. It only had the date, time, and address. So of course, it looked intriguing.

I was really looking forward to going. I told one of my friends that loves to go to raves, she said she would try but eventually she said she couldn’t make it. I was going to go with my brother originally but he said he didn’t want to go any more.

I went alone. I thought I was going to have fun, maybe meet new people and possibly make new friends. So I drove there but when I arrived it was a different story.

There were people there don’t get me wrong, it was only fifteen minutes into the festival. It was indoor, so I saw people walking in through the side door, I really wanted to go in. I just parked and stayed in my car. My social anxiety got the best of me once again.

It has been a while since I get anxiety like I got yesterday. I am usually open to try new things and get out of my comfort zone, but this time it was different. I just couldn’t muster up the courage to get out of my car and walk in there.

It surprised me, I have been more outspoken lately and more out there. So not being able to go to this alone was like a step back. Yes, life has been changing for me in the last couple of months, I lost a friend, my job is going through changes, and I have need stressed over my mom’s surgery. But I have always placed these things in the back of my head telling myself that everything is going to be ok.

Is it that my brain has fallen back again to my pessimistic ways? I won’t let that happen. The person I used to be was letting people walk all over me, that gave me such an awful life. Always sitting in the back seat, always waiting to be called. I can’t be like that, I have to break the mold. I will break the mold.