Crime Scene

I did it. I finally broke the chains and now I’m free. It feels so good, it feels like a sense of relief.

 

Yesterday, before I went out on my usual run at the park I decided that I would tell my mom what my plans were. What I told her wasn’t planned though. I was thinking of how I would let her know. At first I thought, maybe when she sees that I am not getting ready to go to church she would ask and I would just tell her. But, I love her. And I know her. I needed to give her time to digest this. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me it was.

I put on my running shoes and after filling up my water bottle I looked at her and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to let her know so she could digest it, not understand it, but respect it. She asked me what was going on, as a concerned mother will always do. I remember feeling evil. Like I was doing something bad, almost murder. I was killing someone. I was killing myself, the person she thought she knew was dying right in front of her.

Her response was not the one I was expecting. She said if I think there is something better out there than the religion we are currently in then I should go look for it, but I wasn’t going to find it. She was calm. I was shaking. She also told me to read our magazines and our literature and that would help me see that this is in fact the one and only true religion. She started rambling and repeating herself, not screaming or yelling though, but I still just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the crime scene.

Through out the whole night while I was out running, she would send me articles published by Jehovah Witness. I appreciate how much she cares, she really does. She only wants the best for me and she thinks that she has found it in this religion. I don’t blame her and I didn’t tell her to stop, if this was going to help her feel better that was ok with me.

There was one final text that she sent that mad me cry after I’d been holding it in. Or maybe it was just the situation and everything else? She said, “you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you. If I did something that hurt you or offended you I’m sorry. I love you.”

My mom is a great person. I always hear stories of young people being total assholes to their parents just because they’re parents don’t agree with what they believe in. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you still, they do and very much. They just don’t agree with what you believe and that’s ok, we don’t all have to be the same mechanical robots.

I told her that she has never hurt me, and that’s possibly the most accurate sentence I have ever spoken. I love my mom and I always will.

Today, I woke up and she didn’t attack me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even mention church. All she did was get ready. She asked my brother if he was going and he got ready and went. She went up to my bed when she saw I was awake and it was like I was five years old again. She sat on the corner of my bed and she talked to me. Like her son. Nothing really important, just random things about her chickens and one of her friends having a cat.

I couldn’t have asked for a better moment. It was nice. There still a little bit of doubt in me if I am honest. Am I actually doing the correct thing? What if she is right and this is the Truth? But at the same time I feel so great, free, liberated.

 

Why is that?

 

If You Want To Jump, I’ll Jump With You

I am a free, walking, on the go psychiatrist. There is no need to give me money or even ask for a way to compensate me because I am free.

 

That’s what people think. First of all, I am no where near a psychiatrist. Second, I don’t have no knowledge what so ever regarding anything basically. And third, my life is already screwed up as it is to be dealing with other peoples baggage or crap.

 

But what do people do? Well, they still go ahead and pull up a chair and willingly spill out all their demons for me to hear. Ok, maybe its my fault. I am really nice, and I have been told I am a great listener. Which is very true. I like listening to people, But I also like to communicate with them as well. Like a game of catch you know? You throw the ball back and forth. That’s how a good conversation should go.

Today, one of my coworkers that I have known for a while was telling me about all her troubles. Since we were at work she didn’t express herself just how she wanted to but I could see that all she wanted to do at that moment is cry out of frustration. I’ve been there before and girl let me tell you, I had no one. Wish I had but at the same time not, because eww, no one needs to see me crying.

I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything to help her (like c’mon, I do have a heart here). But at the same time she got herself in the hole she is drowning in. Look, I’m not the best for all the motivational crap stuff, don’t get me wrong I love to hear it, I just don’t know how to share it and pump some up or get them to move away from the cliff. My best motivational advice would be “if you want to jump I’ll jump with you.” Hell, to be completely honest I’d probably end up jumping first.

Today though, I was hit by the Motivational Spirit God. Let me tell you why. I told my coworker that even though it seemed like her world was going to be over, it was only a part of her life that she was currently living. And just like those happy moments she had in the past that ended, these tough times were also going to end.

WOW, I know right? What did I  have for breakfast today? I also told her to not give up. Giving up is one of the worst things we can do, and even though its the easiest thing and the option that is right there at our grasp, its not the right one. She smiled at me and proceeded to do what she had to do. In my  opinion those words I said deserved a hug, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the end, what I’m trying to get at is that I am always there to listen to people. And even though sometimes I get tired of their problems it does make me see that I am not the only one. We are all going through crap and it smells really bad. You know what we have to do? Help each other out bro! Sometimes, and I have noticed this in myself, when you help other people while you have problems you feel way better. Sure, you may not be able to take them away but at least you helped them see a brighter better edited picture, you know?

If I’m not making any sense, I’m sorry. Just go help someone feel better. OK? That’s basically it. Even if its you. Go smile in the mirror. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Look, you made it. You’re alive and breathing. You are unstoppable and I believe in you.

Gee, you know what?I just might change my “profession” from free psychiatrist to motivational speaker.


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