When I was young, and my mother told me I would be having a little brother, I was very excited. I had been an only child for six years and even though I had a very creative imagination I still felt having someone around would be fun. But it wasn’t till my brother was born when things started to changed.
I felt as if the attention had gone to him. Which technically speaking it had. He was a baby after all and they do require more time to be spent with them. That didn’t stop my little kid brain to think I was being replaced. I felt an immense sense of jealousy. Not only because my parents focused their time and attention to my brother but other people too, family members or friends, they all wanted to see the baby. Maybe they should have taken my feelings in consideration, or maybe I was out of line.
Last year, a similar thing happened to me. Me and my best friend had a great friendship. We talked about everything, we joked and laughed and we’re open just about anything. It was a friendship like no other. We were really close. What happened? My jealousy. I would get upset if he would go out with other friends. I would get mad when he wouldn’t be able to hang out. I would get frustrated every time he would be doing something instead of just doing random things with me.
That jealousy drove us slowly away. My mistrust and jealousy and his annoyance towards me drove a wedge between us. It wasn’t till the end of last year when we finally made up.
Now that I have been in a relationship for a couple of months I see it again. I have an issues with jealousy. Or do I? My girlfriend has a male friend that she swears she sees him as her “little brother”. The way I feel towards him has became more than jealousy. Almost hate. I’ve never felt such a huge feeling of dislike for a person like this before.
They have many things in common. More then her and I. He always wants to be around her, saying how much of a good friend she is. He tries his best to make her laugh, and usually succeeds. So am I jealous? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Most people would say yes and then the other half would say no. I think I do. How would you feel if your significant other was laughing and having a great time without you with someone else the same sex as you?
“I trust my significant other”, “and they come home to me.” Yes I’ve heard it all before. Sure you can trust as much as you want but no one is perfect. Of course they go home to you because they live there and they have to , but after they’ve done what? And been where? I can see a hint of trust issues here as well.
I’m really scared of getting hurt again. This time it’s different. This time I actually want this. In all my past relationships even though I liked them and enjoyed them I always knew they would end and it didn’t bother me. Now, I don’t want it to end, I want it to last.
I feel like I’ve talked about this on my blog before. It’s that important that I have to talk about it again. To me it’s one of the most important aspects in life. It’s great for whose forgiving and for who ever is being forgiven.
On Monday I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in over eight months. I blocked and deleted her off my social media after trying to compare me to her boyfriend and her other friends. One thing that I’ve always disliked is comparisons between people.
During this time, I wasn’t the best type of friend. It was the summer for me and only me. I was “finding myself”. But I didn’t see that what I was actually doing was losing who I was and getting further away from who I should have been.
I lost track of her. I didn’t know about her other then what other friends we had in common would tell me. The amount of resent I had towards her had grown so much to a point where, even hearing about her mother passing away, I didn’t think of reconnecting with her. I didn’t even answer her calls. It’s not ok but I can admit that now.
Until recently I came to realize that I can’t be who I am running away from people. I can’t be who I am not being able to forgive them, let alone ask for forgiveness. Was I at fault for leaving her behind? Maybe not. But I reached out because that was the correct thing to do. I didn’t expect us to be best friends again, that’s not what I wanted. We live very different worlds now, all I wanted was us to be better. For my conscious to be clean and her heart to be ok.
We had a good talk, her and I. I apologized for not being there. I told her I was sorry about her mom. Being so close to my own mom I saw how much of a jerk I was for not being there, thinking about losing my mom is out of the picture for me.
Talking to her won’t make is best friends again, I’m not really sure if it will make us friends. But to be honest, that’s not what I was looking for. I was looking to close that door. To not have it in the back of my mind. And now that it has closed I can move on and so can she.
I have been MIA for a while now. Looking back at some of my post I forgot how good it felt to write. Better said, I forgot how good it felt to let my feelings out. So many things have happened in the lifespan of two or so months. For a short summary I can say that I now have a girlfriend, I am more religious than I once was, or have ever been, and also I have left a lot of toxic friendships in the past.
I should explain the girlfriend part. I know, it even sounds weird when I say it myself, so it must sound out of this world reading it from your point of view. How could you possibly have a girlfriend when last year all you did was brag about sleeping with men? I asked myself that question many times. So, what is my sexual orientation? I don’t even think I know now. But I do know that I very much am fond of a girl at the moment and I very do much enjoy being with her. For the least part, its been a few complicated years with my sexuality to say the least. But that’s for another day.
As for Religion. I am content. I think I hated my religion for long enough and this time instead of running away from the questions I had, I set my mind on looking for the answers. When some of them weren’t being answered to my satisfaction I did not stop, it only fueled my curiosity and it did take a while for me to find them. If you don’t believe in God I don’t blame you. You have many reasons not to. I had many reasons to hate Him. But that doesn’t mean I just stopped. I kept looking, and you should too. If you are in a religion, or you believe something and ask a question, one which they can’t answer, something is not right, I say look for the answer yourself, investigate. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Most important don’t let go of yourfaith.
As for my friends, well I loved them to death. But in true honesty they weren’t doing me any good. Going out and spending money every week, doing thinds for no reason, I didn’t find a purpose for that. I asked myself if being around them actually made me happy. The answer was no. I felt drained. I felt as if I was the punching bag to everyone’s life. I gave them the best advice they never took. Not to mention our beliefs had changed as well. We slowly stopped having things in common. So we drifted apart. I haven’t seen them in more than three months now. Do I miss them? Just a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends. I gave my church friend a second chance after things with us got stale, and to be completely honest, I’ve never had a better friend than him. There are one or two friends I still talk to that do not share the same beliefs I do, but that’s ok. There is a certain level of understanding between us I will always cherish and hold near to my heart.
As for this blog, I miss it. I really do. I miss just ranting in general without anyone to interrupt me or roll their eyes at me. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could speak my mind and talk freely. I would like to get back to that.
I’m sitting eating at a Wendy’s close to my home. I was supposed to meet up with a friend to hang out. Wait no, scratch that. I went to his house and waited on him for a good ten minutes before telling him that I was going to leave. Soon I left.
I know what you’re thinking. How inconsiderate of me. Why couldn’t I wait for him a couple more minutes? What was I such in a rush?
I’ll tell you what. I’m done waiting for people. I literally told him at what time I was going to be there. I even told him when I left work so he would be ready. Was he? Nope.
This is not the first time this has happened with a friend. A month or so ago I wanted to see a movie and I was going to pick up a friend to go see it with me. I told her the time I even told her that I had bought the tickets. When I got to her house at the time I told her I would be there she texted me saying she was in the city next door. She told me she would be there in twenty minutes, she arrived two hours later.
I, the good person that I am, calmly waited in the drive way. Until that friend arrived two hours later. But now I see a pattern. All my friends think that because I am this super nice kind guy they can walk all over me? Oh he’s here, I’m not even ready, but it’s ok, he’ll wait for me anyways. Is this how they are thinking? Is that how they see me?
I know I’ve said this before but since the universe isn’t listening I’ll say it again, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t care if you’re my friend or not. Don’t tell me you love me so much and then cancel plans last minute. Don’t say you enjoy spending time with me but only plan things every other month. I don’t have room in my life for liars and laggers anymore.
I once went to a friends house to help her move at mid night after working eight hours at my first job and six at my second job. I was there on the dot when I told her I would be. Guess where she was? At her boyfriends house sleeping. Where was her boyfriend? The one that should have been helping her? He was out drinking with his friends. sad to say it wasn’t the first time that friend fell asleep on me.
I’ve looked into the past, I’ve reopened closed cases, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been that friend. You need a ride but don’t have any money to pay? I was there. Your boyfriend is being an ass and you just need someone to listen? I was there. Your mom is telling you how much of a failure you turned out to be? I was there.
I was there. All the freaking time, I was there. Well guess what honey, that statement will remain as is, because it’s true. I wasthere.
Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.
I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.
So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.
I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.
I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.
So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.
But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.
The next day he messaged me;
“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.
We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?
What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.