Birthday Surprise

Yesterday I went to a friends house because she had invited me to go on a hike. I was excited because it had been a while since I last seen her, plus I love going on walks and hikes with friends.

I drove to her home and once she let me in I noticed how well dressed she was (not in athletic attire). Then she walked me to the dinning room and that’s when I saw the decorations and my other friends standing.

I have to say it was one of the best feelings I think I have ever felt. I don’t know why. I felt great. It was really nice, I was not expecting it at all! She had orchestrated this all by her self and it came out so cute.

To add on to the surprise she wrote me this really cute note that could have made me cry but I refuse to cry in front of people, but it was so sentimental and emotional I absolutely loved it.

Moments like this really make me feel special. Especially all the things she said in her little note she gave me. I had no idea, but I am glad she expressed herself.

I love my friends and I appreciate that they took their time and effort to do this for me it was great.

Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

Nicole

Six years ago I started working at a fast food restaurant where I met my one of best friends. In a couple of weeks, this friend will be leaving California and moving to another state, I decided to dedicate this post to her,

Nicole this one’s for you.

 

I don’t think I have this type of relationship with any of my other friends as I do with her. We know each other one a personal level. We talk about life, love, and sex (graphically). Very personal things.

But it wasn’t always like this. We have had our rough patches here and there. I think that all the great friends in the past have to go through shit in order for them to have a strong bond. If you really look at it it’s really cool how we’ve been through so much and we have managed to stay friends.

I know I’ve pissed her off, I know she has to me, but I’m an emotional bitch so I’ve been hurt more (but that’s more my fault then hers).

When I met her I thought she was great. I liked her, she seemed nice and outgoing, social, and she seemed to not care what people thought of her. All the qualities I wanted in myself.

Sadly I let rumors get the best of me and I slowly ditched myself from her. There was a point that I even blocked her from all social media and we lost touch. But we ended up getting back to being friends after a while.

She reached out like she always has and there’s nothing I can say to match the appreciation I feel towards that effort. She was there when many people weren’t. She would listen to me and tell me straight how it is, even when I didn’t agree with her or she knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say.

She was the first person I came out to. Granted I came out to her as bi and then for the next years played hide and seek in the closet, she was still there for every moment.

She’s a bad ass. If you want someone to tell you how it is, she will. There is no sugar coating it. A lot of people don’t like that, but I do. It means I can be real with her as well , and though it took me many years, I learned it from her.

Now six years have past, so many things have happened in such a short amount of times in both of our lives. None of them have been just minor situations. She’s almost like the sister I never had but always wanted.

Nicole, I know you’re leaving and it feels like the world is ending for you. It almost feels as if I’m losing a little part of myself. But I hope you can take a little part of me with you and never forget me. I know changes are coming for both of us and we might not be as close in the physical sense as we may want to be, but I won’t let our friendship get disconnected. We have so many ways of staying connected. You are the only person I know who I was brave enough and had so much trust in to let you know about this Blog. I let you into the most vulnerable parts of my brain and heart by doing so, and you have never judged me for it.

I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you all the luck I can possibly wish for you. I know you’re brave and strong and even though new territories are scary and intimidating remember that you are more. I want to visit when I can, I want to stay connected, I want to meet your kids when you have them, I want you in my life for the rest of it.

Nicole, in you, I have found a friend for life.

Good luck,

Love,

Pedro ❤️

I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me” bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Personal Growth

I have been really proud of myself lately.

If you don’t like to listen to people brag about themselves then you might want to click off because today I’m bragging, and I’m going to do a lot of it because I have not been this proud of myself in maybe years.

If you have been catching up with the hot mess we are willing to call my life, you know that its one hell of a crazy ride. I have my ups and downs and my mental break downs, it’s all fun though…

This year has been the most, by far, the most craziest. But I’m glad it had all happened. You know, things happen for a reason and I truly believe that. I feel that everything I have been through has led me to where I am at today, and maybe if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t be here. And I like this new found place.

First, the whole religion thing. Sure, I could have left a long time ago, I ask myself many times why I hadn’t, but you know what? I’m letting that question float away with the wind. I don’t need to ask myself that anymore, I’m fine that I left when I did. I am content. The place where I am at spiritually (if you care) is nonexistent at the moment. I am OK with that too. That doesn’t mean I am not searching for God or something, it just means that at the moment I need to take a break, step back, and see what happens in the future.

My family. My mother is healthy and well and so is my brother. He has a stable job and he doesn’t go to church. I know some people would be sad that he doesn’t but I’m glad he never got that involved with that organization. I know if anything happens he’ll still be by my side.

My friends. They’re great. No, we don’t get the opportunity to be around each other every second of the day, but when we can we get together. We keep in contact and I know that they are here for me if I ever do need them. I appreciate them so much for sticking by my side when I was going through everything, or when at least they tried. Sometimes its mostly my fault because I never let them know in the first place.

School. I don’t mean to brag, again, but I do mean to brag when I say that I am at the top of my class. I don’t care, call me a nerd. I find that to be awesome to know what is going on and to keep all that knowledge inside my brain. I’m not greedy though, when ever I get the chance I help my classmates. I love to help them when they don’t understand something. There is something so satisfying when some appreciates you and gives you that thank you smile.

Last but not least, my new relationship. I am still nervous to lose it, but it seems to be flourishing into something beautiful. I know there is no perfect match out there but this one comes pretty close. We are taking it slow so we can get to know each other and I’m perfectly fine with that, it’s just what I needed.

The person I was five years ago would not believe who I am now. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be in a place like I am today, that I would feel this great and that I would actually know how it felt to be happy again. Its great.

Life is great when you start doing things that you want to do and start living for yourself and not for others.

This is your life, it’s short, enjoy it.

Clubbing/2nd Date

This past weekend was freaking amazing. I haven’t had a great weekend like this in a long while and I feel like I deserved it.

One of my best friends asked me about a week ago if I wanted to go clubbing. I hadn’t been clubbing since my birthday about four months ago. I was kind of iffy about it because we were going to local clubs and I had never been. It turned out great in the long run though. I actually had a great time.

We went to about four clubs during the whole night. Which was also new to me, usually I only stick to one club, when they have good music. It was great to see my friend let loose and be a little wreckless. I’m usually the one that gets out of control but it was nice to see how much fun she was having, she really needed that night.

She has major decisions coming her way and I know its not easy for her. She has so many things riding for her right now. But I’m here for her and in the end I just want her to find happiness and be happy with what she is doing. After all I have been through shes been by my side so I plan to do the same for her because I love her like that.

That was Saturday. Now on Sunday, I went on a second date. It was really out of the blue and it was with the guy I went on a date with on Friday night in my last post. He’s the only guy I ended up talking to. And we ended up messaging each other all weekend, then he asked if I wanted to do something, of course I said yes.

The date was taken straight out of a romantic comedy, I swear we only needed that cheesy music playing in the background. We went to get some frozen yogurt. We were there for a little over an hour just chatting. He’s so easy to talk to, I’m like an open book. He’s very talkative as well so it helps. The conversation would never fall silent.

We later went hiking. As we walked we talked about dumb things that made us both laugh. The similarities between us are unbelievable. Every sentence would end with either of us saying “me too!”.

It felt really great. We talked and talked and it felt like it was just us two. Usually I’m so self conscious about my surroundings and the people who are around and I shut myself in, or I’m too self aware about the things I say that I don’t even get to be myself, but it was different. It felt as if we were the only people on the planet. I had to remind my self that there were other people around.

When he dropped me off I did’t want to leave. I stayed in his car for as long as I could and I noticed he really didn’t want me to leave either when I would say I was going to head out he would start a new conversation.

Now, this is just like me. Get all crazy about a new guy just on a few dates, think hes really cool and like him and then find something that I don’t like, then get all sad because in my head I had already planned out out whole lives together. Because honestly, it has happened before. (Way too many times).

So I texted a friend I always text on stuff like this because she is a fountain of wisdom. She told me to take it slow. She told me to be real with myself and enjoy the moment. I feel like its advice I could have given myself but it works coming from her as well. Sometimes you know what you need to hear and even when you tell yourself you don’t believe it until someone else tells you.

I can’t wait to see him again this weekend. It sucks that I have to wait that long. But I know that it will be worth it.