Personal Growth

I have been really proud of myself lately.

If you don’t like to listen to people brag about themselves then you might want to click off because today I’m bragging, and I’m going to do a lot of it because I have not been this proud of myself in maybe years.

If you have been catching up with the hot mess we are willing to call my life, you know that its one hell of a crazy ride. I have my ups and downs and my mental break downs, it’s all fun though…

This year has been the most, by far, the most craziest. But I’m glad it had all happened. You know, things happen for a reason and I truly believe that. I feel that everything I have been through has led me to where I am at today, and maybe if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t be here. And I like this new found place.

First, the whole religion thing. Sure, I could have left a long time ago, I ask myself many times why I hadn’t, but you know what? I’m letting that question float away with the wind. I don’t need to ask myself that anymore, I’m fine that I left when I did. I am content. The place where I am at spiritually (if you care) is nonexistent at the moment. I am OK with that too. That doesn’t mean I am not searching for God or something, it just means that at the moment I need to take a break, step back, and see what happens in the future.

My family. My mother is healthy and well and so is my brother. He has a stable job and he doesn’t go to church. I know some people would be sad that he doesn’t but I’m glad he never got that involved with that organization. I know if anything happens he’ll still be by my side.

My friends. They’re great. No, we don’t get the opportunity to be around each other every second of the day, but when we can we get together. We keep in contact and I know that they are here for me if I ever do need them. I appreciate them so much for sticking by my side when I was going through everything, or when at least they tried. Sometimes its mostly my fault because I never let them know in the first place.

School. I don’t mean to brag, again, but I do mean to brag when I say that I am at the top of my class. I don’t care, call me a nerd. I find that to be awesome to know what is going on and to keep all that knowledge inside my brain. I’m not greedy though, when ever I get the chance I help my classmates. I love to help them when they don’t understand something. There is something so satisfying when some appreciates you and gives you that thank you smile.

Last but not least, my new relationship. I am still nervous to lose it, but it seems to be flourishing into something beautiful. I know there is no perfect match out there but this one comes pretty close. We are taking it slow so we can get to know each other and I’m perfectly fine with that, it’s just what I needed.

The person I was five years ago would not believe who I am now. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be in a place like I am today, that I would feel this great and that I would actually know how it felt to be happy again. Its great.

Life is great when you start doing things that you want to do and start living for yourself and not for others.

This is your life, it’s short, enjoy it.

Clubbing/2nd Date

This past weekend was freaking amazing. I haven’t had a great weekend like this in a long while and I feel like I deserved it.

One of my best friends asked me about a week ago if I wanted to go clubbing. I hadn’t been clubbing since my birthday about four months ago. I was kind of iffy about it because we were going to local clubs and I had never been. It turned out great in the long run though. I actually had a great time.

We went to about four clubs during the whole night. Which was also new to me, usually I only stick to one club, when they have good music. It was great to see my friend let loose and be a little wreckless. I’m usually the one that gets out of control but it was nice to see how much fun she was having, she really needed that night.

She has major decisions coming her way and I know its not easy for her. She has so many things riding for her right now. But I’m here for her and in the end I just want her to find happiness and be happy with what she is doing. After all I have been through shes been by my side so I plan to do the same for her because I love her like that.

That was Saturday. Now on Sunday, I went on a second date. It was really out of the blue and it was with the guy I went on a date with on Friday night in my last post. He’s the only guy I ended up talking to. And we ended up messaging each other all weekend, then he asked if I wanted to do something, of course I said yes.

The date was taken straight out of a romantic comedy, I swear we only needed that cheesy music playing in the background. We went to get some frozen yogurt. We were there for a little over an hour just chatting. He’s so easy to talk to, I’m like an open book. He’s very talkative as well so it helps. The conversation would never fall silent.

We later went hiking. As we walked we talked about dumb things that made us both laugh. The similarities between us are unbelievable. Every sentence would end with either of us saying “me too!”.

It felt really great. We talked and talked and it felt like it was just us two. Usually I’m so self conscious about my surroundings and the people who are around and I shut myself in, or I’m too self aware about the things I say that I don’t even get to be myself, but it was different. It felt as if we were the only people on the planet. I had to remind my self that there were other people around.

When he dropped me off I did’t want to leave. I stayed in his car for as long as I could and I noticed he really didn’t want me to leave either when I would say I was going to head out he would start a new conversation.

Now, this is just like me. Get all crazy about a new guy just on a few dates, think hes really cool and like him and then find something that I don’t like, then get all sad because in my head I had already planned out out whole lives together. Because honestly, it has happened before. (Way too many times).

So I texted a friend I always text on stuff like this because she is a fountain of wisdom. She told me to take it slow. She told me to be real with myself and enjoy the moment. I feel like its advice I could have given myself but it works coming from her as well. Sometimes you know what you need to hear and even when you tell yourself you don’t believe it until someone else tells you.

I can’t wait to see him again this weekend. It sucks that I have to wait that long. But I know that it will be worth it.

Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.

Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.

 

 

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.