I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me” bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?