Aftermath

It’s going to be a week tomorrow since I left my old religion. What do I call it? Ex religion? Old religion? Not sure, but I left it. I’m not going to sit her and tell you that’s it’s been nothing but butterflies and rainbows. It hasn’t. It’s been a struggle. But I am glad to say that even though each day was hard, the next was easier to handle than the day before.

My ex texted me and I decided to be truthful to her and tell her what was going on. She said it was ok for me to feel this way and no one was forced to be in the religion (oh sure). My ‘used to be’ best friend (yikes), also texted me. He asked what was going on and I didn’t think twice when I told him. Well actually I’d did. I was hurt, I wasn’t going to reply. But, the therapist in my head told me that I needed to get what I was feeling out, and plus he deserved to know as well.

He said he really cared about me, funny how his actions don’t comply. I haven’t heard from him ever since.

An elder texted me as well. I actually expect way more calls and texts form not only him but firm other elders and servants form the congregation. he said they had been missing me at the gatherings and church meetings. I didn’t even reply. I know that my mother is still going and I don’t want to make a mess out of this for her.

Speaking of my mom. She’s been handling it a lot better now. At first she was sad, constantly. But now she’s improving. I tell her I love her every chance I get. Because I do. I hug her like never before. And I don’t want her to think I do things to hurt her because that’s not the case, she never hurt me.

At work I told some coworkers and they were honestly more than happy for me. Some didn’t know that I wanted to leave and others did. They have been a great support system honestly, along with my non religious friends.

There was one religious guy that would always try to debate with me at work. And for the matter of appearances, I would defend my past so called beliefs. Today he tried to do the same, so I had to come out, unreligousely.

I told him I’m no longer with my church. He looked shocked. Almost as if I had slapped him across the face. He got emotional. I told him, “look, no disrespect but I don’t really care for religion right now, I need a break.”

Other than that it’s been a good transition. It’s actually been way easier than what I had anticipated. I just hope no one thinks I’m going back.

Now I start my new life. My new journey. It’s actually great. In a week I’ll be 25. In a month I’ll be losing my job but I don’t really mind. It’s a new opportunity. Plus, the summer has just begun. What will the rest of the year bring?

A Letter To My Past Lovers

I was thinking about moving on with my life. In order to do so I have to say goodbye to what once was and be great full that I went through it and take with me what I have learned. I know that sounds super cheesy, but it is what it is. Basically its just Ariana Grande’s song Thank You, Next, in written in a letter.

 

Dear past Lovers,

I wanted to take some time to talk to you. To let you know, that I am who I am in part, because of you. A lot of people can say that who they date or love does not influence the person that they are. They say that they are still true to themselves. I believe that, to a certain extent. We are all influenced, some more than others. I learned a lot from all of you, and I want you to know.

My first lover, my very first lover. I never thought I would have anyone else after you. I remember I wanted you so bad. Why? Because I was influenced by others that I had to? Maybe. But in the end, I really did love you. When it was over I cried so much. I saw the end coming for the longest time but yet still hoped we would make it through, but we didn’t. We’re not even friends anymore, we lost touch, but I’m thinking that it was for the best. I learned so much thanks to you. I learned that someone can love me. It’s possible. Thanks to you. I learned that distance is a cruel enemy and it can’t be trusted.

To my other lovers, I never really cared for you. I need to say that. If I did maybe I would have stayed. Or maybe I have commitment issues, but that’s for another day. I did like all of you. I really did. I tried my best to be happy. But thanks to you time after time I have learned that, happiness does not come from having someone by your side. It does not come from being someone else’s. It comes from your own being, and then after , only after, you share that with the person you love.

Lovers, you have also taught me how far I am willing to go for what I feel love is. I always wanted to be loved, but I never really loved myself. You have taught me to love myself before someone else. How can some one be loved if they do not love themselves?

My last almost lover, you are the one that has taught me the most, but at the same time the one who has left me the most confused. Before you, I thought I knew who I was. Before you I thought I had it all figured out, I never thought I would go in the direction you took me. It left me messed up, dazed, confused. I would do it all over again. Without a doubt. I almost loved you. Almost. I was falling hard. But before I hit the ground I caught myself, picked myself up, and I walked away. I couldn’t take it. You taught me a lot. You showed me how controlling I can be, how needy I am. And before, that would have terrified me, but now, I accept that.

To all of you, thank you for being in my life. I really enjoyed the time we spent with each other. To be completely honest, if I had the chance to do everything all over again, I would. But I wouldn’t change that many things. Maybe some, but I would still want you in my life, at least for that very brief of a second that you were.

 

With much love,

Peter.

June

It is June already can you believe it? I swear just a couple of weeks ago we were complaining about how long January was. I feel as if we went from the start of the year right to the middle. What even happened in the middle? At least for me that’s how it feel. Life is passing by like a bullet.

June. June is a big month for me. Not only because it is in fact my birth month, but it is also the start of summer. Technically, it doesn’t start until the end of the summer, but here in Cali it officially starts at the beginning. Just yesterday the weather almost reached the 90’s. Not to mention that it’s the middle of the year as well. I don’t usually know how to feel about the middle of the year every year. Depends on how my year is going or if there is anything I am looking forward to the rest of the year.

What do I expect from June this year? Answers. I really want answers. If June will not give them to me I am in a position, or a state of mind, where, I’ll take them.

I have all these up coming events for the summer and I do not know what I will be doing. I can’t even start deciding because there are so many little factors that play in. So, that’s why I have to wait until June is done with and I have answers I need.

I have two road trips in the works for the month of August. I really want to go to both. One is for Utah and the other is for Idaho. I love road trips and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I need these road trips. I want them. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to go. Or maybe I’ll just wing it and see what happens. Life is short. What if I do get a job? Then what?

Things with my best friend haven’t really been the on best of terms. And to be completely brutally honest, I really don’t care about him. If he would just decide to stop speaking to me and end the friendship I wouldn’t even flinch. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need this high school drama. You want to be friends? You have an issue with me? Don’t text me, say it straight to my face.

So June, what do you have in store for me this year?

Get Off My Back

Life is a prankster isn’t It? I feel like It gives you something so then later on It can take it back with pleasure.

I thought this week was going to be one of the most bland weeks of this year to date. I didn’t work all week and my best friend is on vacation. I did not have any plans, but boy, was I wrong! I don’t know where to start. Nevermind I do.

First, my friend. He’s on vacation but he still wanted to keep a line of communication. Sure, that’s cool, I thought. Then he goes off saying that I haven’t been myself for the longest time. OOOOOHHH, don’t even get me started. He mentioned how I have been really distant with him. He even asked if it felt different that he was gone. OK LETS START:

He waits until hes thousands of miles away to bring something like this up? He waits until there’s literally a whole dam country in between us to bring up issues? I just think its so funny, no, actually, its hysterical. Let me tell you why, he only seems to care behind a screen and a keyboard because he would never ask or say anything like that in person.

The reason for me being distant is the fact that I’m not going to sit here and tell him everything that’s going on in my life and what my thoughts and feelings are when he can’t even tell me what you had for breakfast unless I interrogate him like an FBI agent. He had the audacity to ask if anything felt different since he wasn’t in town? UM NO. Everything is exactly the same bro. Nothing has changed. It’s not that we hanged out every other day when he was here, or we spoke at church. What is there to miss? What is there to be different? We are still messaging over the phone, for all I know he could just be chilling in his bedroom and not even be on vacation.

I digress, I told him what I was feeling. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He knew my feelings were valid and because he hates to be wrong he said he really didn’t want to argue with me and would want to save or salvage the remaining part of out friendship. Ok, nice save smart a**. But this is not over. Its not that I want to fight, but I’m the end of my rope here. I’ll tell you exactly what I feel. I can’t do this high school back and forth thing, its about time he knows how he makes me feel, and if he gets offended or hurt that’s on him. I’m tired of complaining about him, aren’t you tired of hearing about him?

In other news, my ex-girlfriend and her mom texted me. I was surprised when I checked my missed calls and so my ex’s name. I thought it must have been a mistake, surely she didn’t have anything else to say to me after months of not speaking to me. I texted her and she replied saying how she needed to know what I still felt about her. Pulled the scab right off didn’t she? I told her that I would always have feelings for her, and it’s true. She was never the issue. It was her parents. They screwed it up pretty bad. I don’t think I want to get back together with her though… yet.

Her mom texted me as well. She has a weird habit of checking up on me. It’s sickening sweet. She wont go two weeks without asking how I’m doing. (Its regret isn’t?) This time she sent me a photo of my ex’s room. In it, there were the balloons I had gotten my ex with all the stuffed animals I had gotten her throughout our relationship. Her mom captioned the photo saying how her daughter still keeps all those things right next to her bed. She even cracked a joke saying how when she buys helium balloons they don’t last a day without falling to the grown, meanwhile the ones I got her more than half a year ago are still floating in the air.

WHAT is going on? Is the universe trying to pull a joke on me? Life? Its taking away my best friend and trying to replace that spot with my ex’s mom and then trying to get me back with her daughter? I’m confused. I have already been through a falling out with this friend before, I don’t need that to happen again. You either stay or you go. Also, I think it’s too soon to get back with my ex. I like her to death but I’m not ready for all the baggage she brings along with her. What if I want to date someone else? I still don’t know if I like guys or girls more? I don’t even know if I need to look into that. I don’t know who I am and life and the universe are freaking asking me that dumb question “please describe yourself and your hopes and dreams.” I really need them to back the hell up and get off  my back.

My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.