Nicole

Six years ago I started working at a fast food restaurant where I met my one of best friends. In a couple of weeks, this friend will be leaving California and moving to another state, I decided to dedicate this post to her,

Nicole this one’s for you.

 

I don’t think I have this type of relationship with any of my other friends as I do with her. We know each other one a personal level. We talk about life, love, and sex (graphically). Very personal things.

But it wasn’t always like this. We have had our rough patches here and there. I think that all the great friends in the past have to go through shit in order for them to have a strong bond. If you really look at it it’s really cool how we’ve been through so much and we have managed to stay friends.

I know I’ve pissed her off, I know she has to me, but I’m an emotional bitch so I’ve been hurt more (but that’s more my fault then hers).

When I met her I thought she was great. I liked her, she seemed nice and outgoing, social, and she seemed to not care what people thought of her. All the qualities I wanted in myself.

Sadly I let rumors get the best of me and I slowly ditched myself from her. There was a point that I even blocked her from all social media and we lost touch. But we ended up getting back to being friends after a while.

She reached out like she always has and there’s nothing I can say to match the appreciation I feel towards that effort. She was there when many people weren’t. She would listen to me and tell me straight how it is, even when I didn’t agree with her or she knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say.

She was the first person I came out to. Granted I came out to her as bi and then for the next years played hide and seek in the closet, she was still there for every moment.

She’s a bad ass. If you want someone to tell you how it is, she will. There is no sugar coating it. A lot of people don’t like that, but I do. It means I can be real with her as well , and though it took me many years, I learned it from her.

Now six years have past, so many things have happened in such a short amount of times in both of our lives. None of them have been just minor situations. She’s almost like the sister I never had but always wanted.

Nicole, I know you’re leaving and it feels like the world is ending for you. It almost feels as if I’m losing a little part of myself. But I hope you can take a little part of me with you and never forget me. I know changes are coming for both of us and we might not be as close in the physical sense as we may want to be, but I won’t let our friendship get disconnected. We have so many ways of staying connected. You are the only person I know who I was brave enough and had so much trust in to let you know about this Blog. I let you into the most vulnerable parts of my brain and heart by doing so, and you have never judged me for it.

I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you all the luck I can possibly wish for you. I know you’re brave and strong and even though new territories are scary and intimidating remember that you are more. I want to visit when I can, I want to stay connected, I want to meet your kids when you have them, I want you in my life for the rest of it.

Nicole, in you, I have found a friend for life.

Good luck,

Love,

Pedro ❤️

Clubbing/2nd Date

This past weekend was freaking amazing. I haven’t had a great weekend like this in a long while and I feel like I deserved it.

One of my best friends asked me about a week ago if I wanted to go clubbing. I hadn’t been clubbing since my birthday about four months ago. I was kind of iffy about it because we were going to local clubs and I had never been. It turned out great in the long run though. I actually had a great time.

We went to about four clubs during the whole night. Which was also new to me, usually I only stick to one club, when they have good music. It was great to see my friend let loose and be a little wreckless. I’m usually the one that gets out of control but it was nice to see how much fun she was having, she really needed that night.

She has major decisions coming her way and I know its not easy for her. She has so many things riding for her right now. But I’m here for her and in the end I just want her to find happiness and be happy with what she is doing. After all I have been through shes been by my side so I plan to do the same for her because I love her like that.

That was Saturday. Now on Sunday, I went on a second date. It was really out of the blue and it was with the guy I went on a date with on Friday night in my last post. He’s the only guy I ended up talking to. And we ended up messaging each other all weekend, then he asked if I wanted to do something, of course I said yes.

The date was taken straight out of a romantic comedy, I swear we only needed that cheesy music playing in the background. We went to get some frozen yogurt. We were there for a little over an hour just chatting. He’s so easy to talk to, I’m like an open book. He’s very talkative as well so it helps. The conversation would never fall silent.

We later went hiking. As we walked we talked about dumb things that made us both laugh. The similarities between us are unbelievable. Every sentence would end with either of us saying “me too!”.

It felt really great. We talked and talked and it felt like it was just us two. Usually I’m so self conscious about my surroundings and the people who are around and I shut myself in, or I’m too self aware about the things I say that I don’t even get to be myself, but it was different. It felt as if we were the only people on the planet. I had to remind my self that there were other people around.

When he dropped me off I did’t want to leave. I stayed in his car for as long as I could and I noticed he really didn’t want me to leave either when I would say I was going to head out he would start a new conversation.

Now, this is just like me. Get all crazy about a new guy just on a few dates, think hes really cool and like him and then find something that I don’t like, then get all sad because in my head I had already planned out out whole lives together. Because honestly, it has happened before. (Way too many times).

So I texted a friend I always text on stuff like this because she is a fountain of wisdom. She told me to take it slow. She told me to be real with myself and enjoy the moment. I feel like its advice I could have given myself but it works coming from her as well. Sometimes you know what you need to hear and even when you tell yourself you don’t believe it until someone else tells you.

I can’t wait to see him again this weekend. It sucks that I have to wait that long. But I know that it will be worth it.

Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.

 

 

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.

The Mental Are Flaky

I did it. I saved the friendship, once again. I hate saying it like that because it makes me sound as if I think I’m all that, and I’m not, I’m just stating the facts. Ok, now that definitely made me sound full of myself.

I texted my best friend yesterday morning. I asked him if things were just going to stay like this. Giving each other the silent treatment and only speaking indirectly to each other. I wanted to know because honesty, at the point of my life that I am at right now, I don’t have time or energy to be playing this high school frenemies BS. If we’re just not gonna get passed this then let me know so I can move on with my life, you know what I mean? If we are, then, we are. That’s that.


I went to church last night. I know I’ve been moody and under the weather lately, and more and more people have picked up on it more than ever. They say that they are worried and part of me wants to believe them. At the end of the day they know me and I want to believe that they care.

An Elder of the congregation pulled me aside last night and asked if he and another Elder could have a talk with me. I already knew what was coming. I’ve been through these talks so many times. I already knew word for word what they were going to say.

I fluctuate heavily with my spirituality. I can go one day from being best friends with God and the next to being the cup bearer of Satan. That’s just the way it is sometimes. I can’t help it. And I told them that, not in that exact way. But they got the picture. They told me it wasn’t normal. I told them to check my track record, surely they’d see it. Either way, they told me what I already knew.

Although, let me just rant on here for a sec ok? Ok. Well, he did say that Sunday when I didn’t go, I was assigned “sound”. (Yes, if your baptized you have what they call “privileges”. You are assigned these tasks that you have to do around the church. They change periodically). Since I didn’t go, and allegedly, the main guy didn’t go either, the whole thing started 3 minutes late. Ok sue me. Big deal.

The thing that bothers me is this; telling someone that they were to blame for something not happening when they were not ok mentally. Sure yesterday I was crawling out of the black hole I’d fallen into, but what if I still was in it?

I’m sorry SIIIIIIR, let me put my mental freaking issues aside so you all can carry on with your service, because there’s no one left on this earth who can possibly click ONE FREAKING GOD DAMM BUTTON to turn ON a freaking mic, forgive me for being sooooo problematic and irresponsible.

Glad that’s out there.

Oh, don’t even get me started. (My mind just did the fasted U- turn right now you don’t even know). This dude (the Elder) texted me Sunday saying they’re worried and blah blah ect ect right? I told him sure I’m fine. Then he said he’s glad or whatever, then he asked me if I was going to go to yesterday. I thought, oh wow that’s cool he does want me to be there that’s nice. So I get there yesterday (I know it sounds grammatically incorrect but stick with me here), and I walk in and another Elder tells me I will be reading out of a book (it’s for a book study we do every week, some new guy reads weekly), it was my turn apparently.

So then I thought. OHHHHHH you son of a witch. He was covering his butt. I’m assuming he thought I wasn’t going so he would have to look for a replacement since he knew it was my turn to read. God knows the mental are flaky. But I digress.

Things are changing now. But it’s different this time. I can’t explain it. But eh.

Déjà Vu

I am a giver.

If I become one of your friends I do not take that job lightly. Once you have gained my trust you are let into my world. The walls that I carry around me are let down. Sure, I still keep some up, but you still get to see who I am in many ways. I don’t play games when it comes to friends. If you give me time and attention, I will do the same. But I am sensitive, I get hurt easily, I am a lightweight.

I’m not currently talking to my best friend. It’s been weird. I don’t really know what’s going on. Well, I do. I know exactly how I feel about it. I’m just trying to find the right words to use to explain it.

I thought we told each other everything. No secrets. But I HATE, when I give more than I get. I know that it may sound selfish, and to be honest it is. But I don’t care, I feel I give enough to expect back. Back to the subject at hand, essentially I got tired of always talking about me.

Our conversations always consisted of me telling him what I am up to, what I am doing at the moment. When he would ask me how my day was, I would go into detail and tell him everything I had done. If I asked him how his day was his response would be “good” and that’s it. If I asked him anything about his family or anything personal I would never get a straight answer. It would always be generic or bland. As if I was talking to a computer. If I wanted to know more I had to pry, I had to ask very straight forward questions or else I would get dizzy running circles.

So I started acting the same way he did. I was a mirror of what he was. Short answers, very vague responses. It only got worse. The communication was repetitive and the conversations never went anywhere. So I had enough and I stopped replying. Its been a couple of days now.

He texted me yesterday saying that he hopes that I am doing well. I didn’t reply. Why would I? This same thing happened last year. And he came crawling back apologizing for how suborn he was. I forgave him. Why is he so secretive? I understand not everyone is like me, not everyone is willing to spill their hearts out to their friends. But to build friendships you need a certain vulnerability. And in this one there is none.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know what will happen. I am at a point where I don’t really care. I am tired of always being the one that has to save relationships. I did nothing wrong and maybe he thinks that too. I don’t know what my next move is, maybe he does. I’ll sit here and wait patiently in the mean time.

Ruined The Friendship

I think I just ended a friendship.

I texted one of my friends that I was going to take a break from talking to him for a while. I told him things are weird and seem a little off. He said that nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

But isn’t that what everyone says to calm down a situation? Like if someone came up to you and just went like – I think I’m going crazy. You’re not going to look at them and be like – oh yeah dude for sure you have been acting wild. No, you’re gonna be sympathetic and be like -nah man it’s all in your head.

I mean I don’t know. I don’t know why I do these things. I feel so inexperienced all the sudden with everything, I’m surprised I don’t forget to breathe sometimes. Or even how to blink.

Let me go back though, so, I know it has to be me. I feel like he’s really been annoying lately. I’m not sure how or even why. But I’m just bugged out by every little thing he says. Maybe I’m under to much stress and everything that’s small just seems really big right now. (That actually could be it to be honest).

We’ve been friends for years on and off. He’s very stubborn, never wrong, and not the most humblest of people. But I look past that. Or I’ve been looking past that. But sometimes it gets on my nerves.

What did I want him to say? I wanted him to be like, -no, I’m still going to text you everyday. We don’t need a break. Or even, -is it something that I did it said? How can I fix it or help? You know what I mean? Something along those lines.

I also feel that we’ve been drifting away. Going separate ways in different directions. I get that. We all grow up and make our own decisions or what ever but god dam its hard. Thought we would always be friends.

No one tells you this stuff. No one tells you you’re going to disconnect with friends. No one warns you. Again, maybe it’s just me. I always like to blame myself and take the fall for stuff. Mainly because it’s mostly my fault at times, but still.

Will I talk to him soon? Maybe. Will he reach out first? I hope.


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I Can’t Be Who I Am…

Forgiveness.

I feel like I’ve talked about this on my blog before. It’s that important that I have to talk about it again. To me it’s one of the most important aspects in life. It’s great for whose forgiving and for who ever is being forgiven.

On Monday I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in over eight months. I blocked and deleted her off my social media after trying to compare me to her boyfriend and her other friends. One thing that I’ve always disliked is comparisons between people.

During this time, I wasn’t the best type of friend. It was the summer for me and only me. I was “finding myself”. But I didn’t see that what I was actually doing was losing who I was and getting further away from who I should have been.

I lost track of her. I didn’t know about her other then what other friends we had in common would tell me. The amount of resent I had towards her had grown so much to a point where, even hearing about her mother passing away, I didn’t think of reconnecting with her. I didn’t even answer her calls. It’s not ok but I can admit that now.

Until recently I came to realize that I can’t be who I am running away from people. I can’t be who I am not being able to forgive them, let alone ask for forgiveness. Was I at fault for leaving her behind? Maybe not. But I reached out because that was the correct thing to do. I didn’t expect us to be best friends again, that’s not what I wanted. We live very different worlds now, all I wanted was us to be better. For my conscious to be clean and her heart to be ok.

We had a good talk, her and I. I apologized for not being there. I told her I was sorry about her mom. Being so close to my own mom I saw how much of a jerk I was for not being there, thinking about losing my mom is out of the picture for me.

Talking to her won’t make is best friends again, I’m not really sure if it will make us friends. But to be honest, that’s not what I was looking for. I was looking to close that door. To not have it in the back of my mind. And now that it has closed I can move on and so can she.

I Don’t Care If Your My Friend Or Not

I’m sitting eating at a Wendy’s close to my home. I was supposed to meet up with a friend to hang out. Wait no, scratch that. I went to his house and waited on him for a good ten minutes before telling him that I was going to leave. Soon I left.

I know what you’re thinking. How inconsiderate of me. Why couldn’t I wait for him a couple more minutes? What was I such in a rush?

I’ll tell you what. I’m done waiting for people. I literally told him at what time I was going to be there. I even told him when I left work so he would be ready. Was he? Nope.

This is not the first time this has happened with a friend. A month or so ago I wanted to see a movie and I was going to pick up a friend to go see it with me. I told her the time I even told her that I had bought the tickets. When I got to her house at the time I told her I would be there she texted me saying she was in the city next door. She told me she would be there in twenty minutes, she arrived two hours later.

I, the good person that I am, calmly waited in the drive way. Until that friend arrived two hours later. But now I see a pattern. All my friends think that because I am this super nice kind guy they can walk all over me? Oh he’s here, I’m not even ready, but it’s ok, he’ll wait for me anyways. Is this how they are thinking? Is that how they see me?

I know I’ve said this before but since the universe isn’t listening I’ll say it again, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t care if you’re my friend or not. Don’t tell me you love me so much and then cancel plans last minute. Don’t say you enjoy spending time with me but only plan things every other month. I don’t have room in my life for liars and laggers anymore.

I once went to a friends house to help her move at mid night after working eight hours at my first job and six at my second job. I was there on the dot when I told her I would be. Guess where she was? At her boyfriends house sleeping. Where was her boyfriend? The one that should have been helping her? He was out drinking with his friends. sad to say it wasn’t the first time that friend fell asleep on me.

I’ve looked into the past, I’ve reopened closed cases, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been that friend. You need a ride but don’t have any money to pay? I was there. Your boyfriend is being an ass and you just need someone to listen? I was there. Your mom is telling you how much of a failure you turned out to be? I was there.

I was there. All the freaking time, I was there. Well guess what honey, that statement will remain as is, because it’s true. I was there.