Malibu Fantasy

My Malibu fantasy was cut short yesterday. Technically it didn’t even happen at all.

This weekend my boyfriend and I got an Air B&B in Malibu right at the beach. I thought it would be perfect. It was right on the beach, great location, good ratings, everything we wanted.

Except we weren’t going to be alone. I’ll take full responsibility for this though. Because it was my first time, I didn’t chose the room wisely. There are places you can get alone, and there are places where the owner is there just in a separate room.

Although, I feel like I thought the listing said private? But any who, we might have ended up staying if the guy wasn’t so picky.

As we walked in he told us no shoes on the carpet. Ok, I mean sure. Then he told us we had to eat outside on the balcony. No food or drinks in the rooms either. Which was all that we packed for. Snacks so we could chill in the room the whole night. I mean Corona wasn’t going to let us do much. And a list of another things I lost track of in the end.

Once the tour was over my boyfriend looked at me and I looked at him and with out a doubt we grabbed our things and canceled the reservation. Sadly we didn’t get our money back which SUCKS, but we came home and still had a some what nice of an evening, until everyone started shooting fireworks.

Maybe there will be another time to visit Malibu. But now I know for sure to make sure that the place we get doesn’t come with a picky over the top owner that lives in the place to watch over our every move.

Guilt

I feel guilty. I don’t know why.

Actually, I do know why, but I’m having trouble forming the correct words to describe exactly what I’m feeling. This is troublesome for me because I’ve never been one to not understand how to express my emotions before.

I guess I feel bad for feeling bad. Does that make sense? I feel bad for feeling the way that I do towards my boyfriend.

He’s done an impecable job at being understanding and trying to be the best version of himself to me. But why is that not enough?

Is it because no version is as good as the version I have made in my head? Or the version he is is not the version I want? I know no one will ever live up to the person I have created in my head. I just have to accept that fact that who he is, is what I have.

Maybe my unhappiness is coming from another place? The frustration of losing my mother, the quick lose of privacy, or maybe the old unwanted friendship with depression and anxiety?

What ever it is I’d like to figure it out. Close that hole that’s opened inside me and be happy once again.

Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

26 Soon

My birthday is less then a week away.

Last year my birthday was epic. I loved every single moment of it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I think it was the best birthday by far that I have ever had. I went to the beach with some of my closest friends. Then we went home got changed and went to my favorite club, where I got to dance with more friends of mine that joined us later.

What will this year be like? I’m not sure, this year my birthday lands on a Monday so I doubt that I will be able to celebrate anything on the day of. I’ve never been one to celebrate every single birthday anyways. I grew up in a religion where it was almost as bad as committing murder to do so.

But now I feel like there is no need to celebrate it. Maybe I have just gotten old? Or maybe it is the vibe of everything? I just really don’t care about it honestly, I don’t have an emotional connection with birthdays like most people do.

My boyfriend did say we should do something though, which was nice of him. He kind of picked the whole thing, but I’m fine with that. We’re going to a beach getaway a week after my birthday. It’s actually the 4th of July weekend. Which in part makes it feel less like my birthday, but I digress.

Well, I will be 26 soon, what should I expect? Half of the year will be over by the time I turn 26 and it hasn’t been the greatest of time, hopefully the rest of it can lighten up a bit, I know it sounds really optimistic to think so but I feel like that’s what we need.

I Understand That She Doesn’t Understand

It has been officially a little over a month since I left home (or was kicked out if you want to be cruel).

I don’t know where my emotions sit at the moment. I miss my mother. I haven’t seen her in the amount of time that I have been away from home. Every time I think about her and my brother I get super emotional. Part of me even wishes things would go back to the way they were.

Will that feeling ever go away? This wave of sadness that I get when I look back on my past and see my family in it, then look to the present and see that they are no longer there?

I know many people would tell me that it will go away, that it will get better and I will feel great about it. But what if I don’t want it to? I feel sort of guilty just thinking of the day I will look back and not feel a thing, or feel happy that I was kicked out. Why is that?

I have heard it all before, I’m so happy I was kicked out that’s how I found myself, my life didn’t really start until I was kicked out, or whatever. What a load of BS. I will never be happy that my mom is not talking to me, I will never be ok that she thinks the worst of me, I will never be ok with any of this.

I love my mother even though she may hate me at the moment. I understand that she doesn’t understand. That isn’t a valid reason to hate her like many people in my situation usually do.

As much as I’d like her to understand, she wont. I have accepted that, but just because I have, that doesn’t automatically remove the hurt.

I Miss Then and They Miss Me

I ate a burger today, I cried while eating it and I’m not sorry about it.

 

I went to see my dogs today, I took them food and also gave them a bath. It was nice to see them. I talked to my brother for a bit which was nice. We caught up on what’s going on with this “transition”, if you will. My mother told him that he was not to talk to me once they announce to the whole congregation that I am no longer a Jehovah Witness. They don’t announce the reason, but I’m sure in due time everyone will know.

I don’t know when that will be, but I know it will be soon. The procedure is to contact me and ask me if I want to repent or change my mind, if I did I would still be shunned until I showed that I really regretted what I did. But, since I will not change my mind, I will be expelled from the church. They haven’t contacted me, and if I am honest, I don’t know if they ever will. They tend to do what ever they want anyways.

My brother informed me that our mom doesn’t want my dogs there anymore. I don’t know what to do about that. I would like to bring them here but I don’t want to cause any issues with my boyfriends mom. She has a dog already and I don’t want there to be any issue with the dogs that will lead to all of us having issues with each other.

So, that’s why I was sad. I still am if I’m honest. I feel bad that my brother has to deal with all this, and I’m frustrated that my dogs are getting involved in it too, they’re dogs and they don’t know what is going on. I miss them and they miss me.

But we’ll see what happens.

Believe in Myself

It has been 2 weeks since I came out to my mom.

I know that what I may be going through could be irrelevant to what is going on right now in the US, but I still need to vent about it.

My boyfriend and I rearranged his room to accommodate both of us. Somehow we made it to a way were there is more space to walk around. We moved the TV as well. Now it doesn’t just feel like his room, it feels more like our room.

Even though it does feel more like our room, it still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t know when it will or if it ever will.

Yesterday we watched Leah Remini’s documentary about Jehovah Witness. It was triggering, yes, but I wanted him to know even just an once of what I went through, or what it was like being one all my life.

I grew up as a JW. So all things I was taught, all the things I was told, they’re engraved in my head and I have to wait on time to erase them.

I’m still getting used to this. This is a big transition for me. Losing my mom, getting kicked out, living somewhere new, living with another person. It all hit me like a bus..

But, threw all this I know I can make it. I just need to believe in myself.

Feeling Better.

I just came back from going “home”.

It was nice to see my dogs, I’m not very sure if they missed me at all though, they seemed very underwhelmed.

My mom was there but she didn’t speak to me or even acknowledge my presence. Most of the time that I was there she stayed in the kitchen cooking. I didn’t bother to say hi or try to speak to her, I know it wouldn’t have turned out ok.

It was nice catching up with my brother though. I enjoyed the brief moment we had. He told me what my mom has done. Shes told the “elders” in the congregation about me. They told her that they saw it coming somehow. He also informed me that she got into a small dispute with the neighbor (who is also a Jehovah’s Witness) because she didn’t tell my mom that she thought I was gay.

I don’t know when I’ll see my mom, or even if I will see her ever again. Who knows. But I’m glad I was able to feel better, even thought I hate to say so.

 

Sinking In

It has been a little over a week since I left home for coming out. I think it barley sunk in yesterday, though I still don’t feel as if I am at “home”.

I can say that I am feeling a little home sick though. I miss my dogs, I miss my bed, I miss a lot of things I used to do when I was alone and I could. But now things are different and even thought my boyfriends house doesn’t feel strange anymore it still doesn’t feel like home. Maybe soon it will.

Today I have to go back home and change some bills over to my brother since I no longer live there. I also have to pick up somethings that I left behind because my car was already to full when I left the first time.

I have been thinking about how it will be seeing my mom after all this. I doubt she will come out of her room or even acknowledge my presence. I know her and I know how she is and what she stands for so its pretty obvious to me how shes going to be. I just hope its easy for me.

Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.