A First

 

Today marks a first for me. My mother left home about two hours ago. Every so often about three times a year Jehovah Witnesses from different congregations gather for a whole day and listen to many many speeches allegedly about the Bible.

Today is the first time in all my twenty five years of living that I will not be attending. It feels good. I thought I was going to have an empty feeling. Or a sense of sadness. But I feel fine. I don’t feel bad about it. I know that she has to be there on her own, and most likely people will ask her where her kids are at. But even though that may be true, I can’t be there.

The last time I went I was out of the religion, but I decided to go for her, again, and it was about three months ago. I was only in the religion for her. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve ever said that, I’d be rich). I had to stop doing that, I had to start living my own life.

I thought that she was going to try to invite me or urge me to go, but she didn’t. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I wont be going back. I respect that from her. I don’t get on her about her religious stuff and she doesn’t tell me anything about me living my life.

I’ve been spending all my weekends with my boyfriend for more than a month now. She hasn’t asked me about it. I’m assuming she must know I’m seeing someone, before this I would spend my weekends in bed watching Netflix. Now my weekends are more exciting.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I feel like I haven’t talked about him in a while. But that’s just me, if I don’t talk about him in five minutes I feel like its been days. We’re doing great, in case anyone cared.

I’m off to spend the weekend with him. I hope everyone else has a great weekend as well.

 

Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.

 

The Reality

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most, the person you’ve known all your life, the person you thought would always love you unconditionally tells you that you are a disappointment. I can’t describe the hurt, the feelings, the thoughts that went through my head as this happened. It’s not something anyone asks for, its not something anyone wants or craves, and its not anything anyone should ever have to go through.

I know how religious my mother is, I know that she would give her life away for her church if they suddenly they said that the bible said somewhere that they had to die for God. I know all this. I know that one day I will lose her to them. I know that one day she will never speak to me any more. She will cut me out of her life completely. I know all this, but that doesn’t take any of the hurt that I feel inside away.

As we headed to the store I informed her that I would be going to Vegas with some friends this weekend. (Back story: My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friends’ birthday party and wanted me to so he invited me to go along with him).

At first when I told my mom she took it rather well. She said that my life is my life and she has no control over it and I can do what ever I think is best, she said I should just be very careful. If she would have stopped there then maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower later in the day.

She continued with the whole God wants us to be pure and clean and saint thing. She said how disappointed she is that I have changed so much and how I was such a nice young man before (so I guess now I’m just as bad as a criminal). She said the life that I am choosing to live is not the right one. She told me that one day I will be judged for everything that I am doing and that I will be punished for it. I feel that she knows that I am gay or some thing because she even through out “you have to be careful with the homosexuals specially right now because they’re really ‘in‘ and you know how God feels about them”. She said something about drinking and tattoos too.

I kept a straight face. There was no point in trying to defend myself. She wont listen. She wont understand. The worst part was at the end when she said that if I were to sin against God that things between us would never be the same. I think that broke me the most. She was basically indirectly telling me that she was going to cut me out of her life if I were to “sin” in any way against God. Which, like I have said before, I know.

It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality.

I don’t want this to effect me. I am really doing well right now. In school, the new relationship that I am in, and then not to mention how much progress I have accomplished with my mental health. To any sane person, they would say I am doing more than well.

I’m going to brush this off and move along. What happens happens, I will be ok. Life will move on and I have to live mine and do what makes me happy. And going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his friends this weekend really hella makes me happy.

 

Jehovah Witnesses Are Harassing Me

I thought it was over. But of course why would it be? Cults will not leave anyone to rest in peace once they leave their “flock”.

I haven’t been to or seen anyone from church in about more than six months now. I have not gone door to door soliciting people to come and “join” the religion for longer than that. So, tell me why I get called by one of the higher ups in the church and get told if I have my “numbers”.

I then get another text from another one a few days later and he says that he wants the “progress report” for the past months from my family and mine. This is basically a paper a Jehovah Witness has to fill out each month on how many hours they spent knocking on doors, how many people they spoke to, and how many pamphlets they gave. I know it sounds crazy, what’s crazy is how they act like I haven’t been going for months and have the audacity and ask me for them out of the blue like I just took a little mini vacation and I’m on the way back.

After I was flooded with text messages and I didn’t respond, I was then harassed with phone calls. One after another, I had to block them them. I had enough, I don’t need them in my life anyways. Plus, there is no reason in me going back and forth with them telling them that I’m not going to go back because all they’ll try to do is “fix me”, as if I was broken, no I’m not, I just actually found out the Truth this time. When you don’t agree with their believes they classify you as “sick” or even “under Satan’s control”.

Days later I got a text from another person from church saying he wanted to hang out with me and some other “brothers” and asked when I was available. Instant block. Do they not get a hint?

I know I could just tell them, write a letter and officially leave them as an organization. (Yes organization, its not a religion, inside they even call it organization, I remember while being in there I would all the time). In doing so, I would lose my mother. Even though we live together I know she’d stop talking to me, she would only direct her word for anything that was absolutely necessary. That’s so fucked up and its the way that they have made her think it “pleases God” or its what he wants. I doubt God wants a mother to shun her own son.

Today I got a text from my ex’s mom. OUT OF ANYONE she had to text me. She said that I was making a mistake and that I was hurting everyone with my actions. What the actual fuck!? What type of mind manipulative guilt are you trying to play here? I’m not here for it. Am I doing anything illegal? Am I off physically hurting people with my actions? NO, they are hurting themselves because they have decided to think what they have been told to think with out actually researching it and finding out for themselves. I have nothing to do with it.

I’m so tired of them hitting me up all randomly when I’m finally living a good life. The cult has them really wound up into making them believe exactly what they want. My own mother doesn’t even bother me with this shit. She has accepted I’m not going back, why are they trying to ruin that?

They need to move on, just like I have. I already made my decision, and I’m fucking happy as hell with it.

I Want To Know The Actual Truth

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I saw this quote the other day. I was watching a YouTube video about what the difference between religion and and actually knowing God or Jesus was.

I have to take a moment to stop before I continue, I know that my blog has been centered around religion a lot lately. I didn’t mean for my blog to go into that type of direction, but I am glad that it has. I know I am not the only one out there that questions how religions all depict God and their form of worship. Plus, as rude as it may sound, I say this in the most respectful way that I can, this is my blog so I can write what ever I want. And this is the matter at hand that is going on in my life at the moment so I need to talk about it, for me. If it helps others, than I’m glad it did that’t great.

Any who, (that was long). But continuing on from before, I have been watching a lot of videos on religion. I’ve been doing a lot of research. I can’t seem to move on. I feel like I have been robbed of years of my life.

All my life I was in a religion I didn’t want to be in, but I was told it was the only way and the only Truth. Now, discovering that it is not in fact so, I will never be able to get those years back. I’m processing that still, and it may take some time and I think that’s ok. I have accepted that for myself.

The video that I saw was a guy explaining how he is Christian but yet he does not belong to any religion or any church. Religion was made by man, he stated. Which is true. I can go out there today and just start a new religion, call it what ever I want, and say that it’s the actual true religion. What I liked, or what really made me understand where he was coming from and I could relate with, because I have tried and proved this myself which is; religion is a form of changing and modifying your personality to the way the church or that religion wants you to be. You have to be someone that the church tells you to be if you want to remain part of it, and they back it up using Bible texts, but what does the Bible actually say?

What ever Bible you pick up you can find that this dude named Jesus said that all you had to do is to believe in him. All you had to do was be grateful that he gave His life for all of our sins. After this all religions start interpretation what the Bible says regarding every single aspect of life differently.

Why do I like the quote from above? Well, as it says, the good people will continue to be good, evil people will continue to be evil. What really gets me is the last line.

“For good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”

What does this mean? I’ll tell you what I was able to get from it. Religion is one of those things that “good people” do, but those good people will do “evil things” and anything that is necessary to protect their religion. Its true. Wars in the past only provide evidence of this. All these believers are willing to kill for land, they are willing to kill thousands of innocent people to keep or defend their religion, even when the Bible says that you are supposed to love your neighbor and not kill. Some religions even say that as long as its for their religion that it justifies their actions.

Not to mention all the people that go out and do hate crimes because they feel as if they are correct and need to do something about it. All because of religion. I’ve met people that do not belong to any church or organization, and they are way more better people than those that go to Sunday service. That doesn’t mean they don’t believe in God or something. They do, they’re just not part of any religion, they try to do their best in life, and most of the time they are so much less judgmental then the rest of those religious going to church all the time people.

No offense to the people that are good and respect everyone and do have a religion to believe in. But if you do have a religion you are willing to die for, why? Are you dying for that religion or for the God that you say you believe in? If that religion tells you to change something about yourself you will do it? What if they tell you that you have to do something that the Bible clearly doesn’t state, but they back up their authority with random texts and say that if you don’t obey its as if you are disobeying God himself.

I’m not saying that I have “found the light”. I’m still searching. I want to discover whats out there, I want to know the actual Truth. What if there is no God? What if it all is science? What if there is God, and there is a plan that in place for the human race? Who is right? Does God really care what religion you are? There are thousands of religions out there that revolve around the same thing, and they only differ on some of their teachings.

Why can’t you just be a good person, respect others, be kind and enjoy as much of life as you can?

Aren’t we all just humans?