It’s Monday. I know, I’m sorry I reminded you. But mine is worse than your’s, hear me out. I woke up today like a usual normal day. (You know, hating the fact that I had to go to work). I did not want to get up at all, so I stayed in bed to an unreasonable time. The thought of going to work made me want to vomit all over myself.
But I got up as soon as I calculated that I had enough time to make it to work even though I stayed in bed as long as I could. I made my lunch, changed, and was in my car maybe five minutes later, if that’s not a world record I don’t know what is.
But get this. THIS was a sign from God. Or destiny or faith or what ever her name is. (Back story info: we have a gate that opens automatically at our home). So while I was trying to pull out of the drive way, the gate would not open. I was pressing the button uncontrollably and very aggressively and that didn’t seem to help. I even got off my car to see if pushing it would help. But I have the strength of a week old bunny so of course nothing happened.
As soon as I got back in my car the door magically decided it was time to open. After making me five minutes late and seeing how I was not going to make it to work on time in only ten minutes I decided to just use sick time and go in work two hours later.
A moment of relief came to me. No work for two hours, what a blessing. So with my time I decided to go to Starbucks because I’m basic as hell. And I wanted to work on my next YouTube video. So check that out.
The time has come though, I have to go to hell. I have 30 minutes to get there and I’m going to try to stretch every second that I came so it becomes longer, but at least on the bright side I wont be at work for that long .
I didn’t go to church. You know, I was debating weather to go or not. Sorry God. But I chose not too. Well, I didn’t technically choose. My mom said she was tired and didn’t sleep well so she wanted to stay home instead. (Our church does this thing where you can call in and listen through the phone I know, high tech). I mean gotta get that spiritual food some how, am I right? Hahaha.
I don’t know, I was feeling iffy. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or not, but that’s what I felt. Something about seeing my ex, just being around people and all.
So, usually when I get to my church, I go around saying hi to everyone. I walk in, scan the area, and go around shaking peoples hands (people are usually sitting, but I want to say hi so they don’t think I’m socially awkward which I am). When I’m done I sit and wait for it to start. There’s nothing bad about it. I really enjoy going. But sometimes, we’ll let’s not lie, most times, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, let alone shake their hand. Wow that was a lot of comas.
But I didn’t want to do that, at all. Lately I’ve been a shut in. It physically hurts to talk to other humans. I know I’ll get over it. I’ve noticed I’ll be social here and there then come back to my rock. That’s normal right? Let’s say yes.
My “don’t care” attitude is still on me like a brand new sweater. I love it. It’s warm, cute, and just the right size. But we’ll see how it gets after a couple of uses.
I have been MIA for a while now. Looking back at some of my post I forgot how good it felt to write. Better said, I forgot how good it felt to let my feelings out. So many things have happened in the lifespan of two or so months. For a short summary I can say that I now have a girlfriend, I am more religious than I once was, or have ever been, and also I have left a lot of toxic friendships in the past.
I should explain the girlfriend part. I know, it even sounds weird when I say it myself, so it must sound out of this world reading it from your point of view. How could you possibly have a girlfriend when last year all you did was brag about sleeping with men? I asked myself that question many times. So, what is my sexual orientation? I don’t even think I know now. But I do know that I very much am fond of a girl at the moment and I very do much enjoy being with her. For the least part, its been a few complicated years with my sexuality to say the least. But that’s for another day.
As for Religion. I am content. I think I hated my religion for long enough and this time instead of running away from the questions I had, I set my mind on looking for the answers. When some of them weren’t being answered to my satisfaction I did not stop, it only fueled my curiosity and it did take a while for me to find them. If you don’t believe in God I don’t blame you. You have many reasons not to. I had many reasons to hate Him. But that doesn’t mean I just stopped. I kept looking, and you should too. If you are in a religion, or you believe something and ask a question, one which they can’t answer, something is not right, I say look for the answer yourself, investigate. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Most important don’t let go of yourfaith.
As for my friends, well I loved them to death. But in true honesty they weren’t doing me any good. Going out and spending money every week, doing thinds for no reason, I didn’t find a purpose for that. I asked myself if being around them actually made me happy. The answer was no. I felt drained. I felt as if I was the punching bag to everyone’s life. I gave them the best advice they never took. Not to mention our beliefs had changed as well. We slowly stopped having things in common. So we drifted apart. I haven’t seen them in more than three months now. Do I miss them? Just a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends. I gave my church friend a second chance after things with us got stale, and to be completely honest, I’ve never had a better friend than him. There are one or two friends I still talk to that do not share the same beliefs I do, but that’s ok. There is a certain level of understanding between us I will always cherish and hold near to my heart.
As for this blog, I miss it. I really do. I miss just ranting in general without anyone to interrupt me or roll their eyes at me. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could speak my mind and talk freely. I would like to get back to that.
Two years ago I decided to leave behind my sinful ways and abide by my religion completely. I was committed, I was strong, and I cut everyone from my life who did not believe the same things I did. I lived a more biblical life.
Because I did it that way it soon failed and I returned to what we call the way of the world. I was also living a double life. Why? Because I love both of them so much. Friends from church just as well friends that had no connection to the church.
A few months ago a friend asked me what I was going I do. Eventually I had to chose one life more than the other . At the time I was nieve. I was full of myself and I thought that I could do both. But that’s not the way life works. And if you try it, it’s a nasty fall, both sides would have ended up hating me.
Until recently I had an epiphany. Religion will always be a part of me. Weather I like it or not. Not because anyone is forcing me, but because it’s in my heart and I love it subconsciously. I knew this for a fact when I found myself conversing and debating biblical facts with a friend.
He was trying to say something that I knew from experience wasn’t true. He had a miss understanding. But I thought I was out there hating religion, why was I right there and then defending it? Because I care for it. And I will always have an inclination towards it.
I told my friends what I was thinking. I had an overwhelming well response. They all told me they support me. They will love me no matter what I do and chose. That’s how I knew I had real friends.
This is a new journey. I’m scared that my past will haunt me, but I will own it and move along.
Well, one of my jobs to be more exact. It was liberating. I felt free. Unstoppable.
Ok, maybe I didn’t feel that great but I did feel some sort of relief. I didn’t call. I didn’t show up. In a way it felt like skipping school. At times, I thought to myself, at this part of the day I would be doing this certainthing at work.
When my mother woke up and saw me laid in bed she asked me if my alarms had not gone off. Or if I just hadn’t felt well enough to go to work. I told her no, I quit.
You should have seen her face. I’ve never seen someone so happy to hear those words, I quit. She smiled a warm smile placed her hand on my knee. She even told me that with God everything is possible and not to worry about bills.
I know I don’t like my moms religious side. But that comment. Those words, just got to me. I felt good. I felt great about quitting. Who said quitters never win? I had won.
I did call my former employer (feels good to say that). I told them I would no longer be coming in. The manager told me matter-of-factly, “oh, we figured that.”
That was sort of rude. I guess it showed how much I hated being there. There are something’s that are just to hard to fake.
Will I miss any coworkers there? Probably not. I didn’t get too close to anyone. I tried not to. Why get attached when your going to leave them in the past? I know I’ll be the hot topic for a while though. I know I would have been talking smack if someone quit all of a sudden as I did.
So here’s to a new journey. Less stress. And less micromanagement.