Guilt

I feel guilty. I don’t know why.

Actually, I do know why, but I’m having trouble forming the correct words to describe exactly what I’m feeling. This is troublesome for me because I’ve never been one to not understand how to express my emotions before.

I guess I feel bad for feeling bad. Does that make sense? I feel bad for feeling the way that I do towards my boyfriend.

He’s done an impecable job at being understanding and trying to be the best version of himself to me. But why is that not enough?

Is it because no version is as good as the version I have made in my head? Or the version he is is not the version I want? I know no one will ever live up to the person I have created in my head. I just have to accept that fact that who he is, is what I have.

Maybe my unhappiness is coming from another place? The frustration of losing my mother, the quick lose of privacy, or maybe the old unwanted friendship with depression and anxiety?

What ever it is I’d like to figure it out. Close that hole that’s opened inside me and be happy once again.