I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

Tell the Tale

Yesterday I contemplated dyeing my hair blond. I had been watching over three hours of YouTube watching guys dye their hair. It seems easy enough and I might even look good if I did end up doing it. But why? Why did I feel the need to do that? Am I having a mental break down? Seems like everyone is dying their hair or cutting it these days, and I’ll tell you what, it doesn’t look good hun.

My boyfriend wants me to grow a beard. He said I might look good, I also spent hours watching how to grow and trim the best beard. But do I want one?

Who am I going to be if I come out of this quarantine with blond platinum hair and a beard? Not myself I’ll tell you that. I hate growing out my beard, I look odd, as if I don’t belong to the human race, like a poser just trying to fit in. And the whole dying my hair blond is just not like me.

I soon went down a spiral on YouTube watching all these after care hair videos that made me decide not to do it, thank goodness. It takes a lot of time, energy, and money to take care of bleached hair. And I only have one of those things.

So instead today I woke up loving myself. I don’t need a beard, I love my clean shaven face (even if I look 16), I love my black charcoal hair. And so what if I gained weight during quarantine? This is not the time for a makeover, this is the time to stay calm and chill and wait until the world goes back to the way it was.

I can’t act like everyday is just the same, no its different, and its ok. I will get through this and so will you. You don’t have to come out of this looking like a Calvin Klein model, you have to come out of this with your sanity and feeling good that you made it, stayed indoors, and can live to tell the tale.

Day by Day

How is everyone doing with the quarantine?

You would think that just being home and being bored would make me want to post on here more often but that is not the case. I have been having a little bit of a writers block, or maybe nothing is going on in my life at the moment.

Since my last post I have started doing school from home as the rest of the country has. It has been really interesting how everything is happening. Its kind of a work in progress.

I have stopped applying to all jobs. Last week I was flooded with emails of places where I had applied to saying that the job that they had posted was being canceled do to what’s going on in the world. So with that I kind of stopped all together, for now I just have to really budget and hope that my credit cards don’t suffer as much in the end. I know I’m not the only one being affected by all this but I didn’t even have a job to begin with.

I feel really unhealthy too, they’ve shut down my gym. I have been eating really bad too so that doesn’t add any good to it. I kind of lost a little bit of hope in everything if I’m being honest. But I take it day by day, and I’m hanging in there, just like everyone else.

We Are Confident

I am not that much of a confident person. If you were to ask people to describe me, confidence would not be a word that would come out of their mouth.

I have struggled with this word my whole life. I have always been a shy little boy. Even when I think I have the power to be that loud person that has the attention of every one in the room, it still makes me want to crawl into a whole.

There have been times when I have had to take center stage in everyone’s presence. I survived. But, I remember the feeling of burning liquid fire on my face, the feeling of being scared to move because my legs have ran away from my body, what was I standing with? Who knows, maybe faith?

Anyways, I have made it a goal for me to work on this.

What has helped me is the fact that I tell myself that people really don’t care about you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I refer to, if you are thinking that your hair looks bad, some people haven’t even noticed. Or other minor things like that.

As an over thinker I always think of what others are thinking about me. I am putting thoughts in their head that they aren’t even thinking. That only hurts me.

Another way I have tried to better my confidence is my loving my body. I know I am not a Calvin Klein model, but hey, I’m not too shabby you know? Some times we don’t see how great we look and we hate everything about ourselves even when its not true.

I am still working on this little thing called confidence, there are so many other things involved too. Sometimes it just might not be your day, you feel gloomy, its just not in you. And that’s totally fine, shit happens. But we have to pick ourselves up and move on.

Because you are worth it, you are great, I believe in you.

We are great, we are Confident.

Changes

I have decided to make some changes to my lifestyle.

Call Me Britney Spears because I did it again, I gained weight. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned about gaining weight here and there, with all the self love that’s allegedly going around now a days. And I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a fuck about how their body looks like, but sadly I am not.

I like to feel good about my body, I want to be and feel healthy. I don’t want abs and biceps and all that either. I just want to look like I take care of myself. Maybe its a body image issue? I don’t know, it gives me confidence, makes me feel good. Maybe I have a mental issue, who knows? The jury is still out.

To fix this I have decided to quit sugary drinks. Soda, coffee, and juices. I need to only focus on drinking water. Sugar is my main problem. That’s why I’m cutting it out of my life. I’ve done it before and not only have I dropped in pounds, my skin and mood got so much better too, along with my energy levels.

Another change I would like to make is reading. I don’t do it. I used to do a lot of it. But now all I do is binge watch shows. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney, and YouTube have all taken up my time. They have literally taken control of my life. In this time and age everyone is watching something, I miss reading. I miss using my own imagination to paint the scenes and make them how I want them to be in my head. Like, what happened to reading? When was the last time you read a book? I went to the store today after the gym and I grabbed a book. I plan to read it before bed every night, I heard that even helps with falling asleep too, so there’s another benefit.

Those are just two things that I want to change as soon as I can. There are many other things I am also working on as a person and for my self care but they are on going and I probably already mentioned them before on here so I wont bore you with the same details over and over again.

For now, it’s time to change.

Knock Knock. Who’s There? It’s Anxiety Bitch

I went to the gym today. Instead of getting off my car, like a normal person would, I stayed there in the parking lot for about 30 minutes contemplating life. Why? Well, wouldn’t we all like to know.

The cars passed by unaware of what I was going through. Its funny how the world still continues when our brains have stopped to think about nonsense. Nothing will ever be placed on hold for you, its a sad reality but its true.

I didn’t plan this sudden burst of anxiety. Like usual it comes out of the blue and its uninvited. I packed my gym bag, took my brother to his job, and then I headed to the gym with the intention to go hard and be fit. Why is it that I couldn’t get off my car?

I fucking hate anxiety. Hate it. It stops me from doing things that are so simple to some people. At the end of the day its still my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication the correct way.

SO, you can basically say that this post is pointless, “just take your god dam pills and get over yourself.” I hear you say. You have a valid point. I am self destructing at this point, I don’t even know why I do it honestly. But sometimes it sounds like there are a lot of little Me’s in my head and they all want me to do what they tell me to.

I need to get back to taking them how they are supposed to be taken. I just hate the fact that I have to depend on them or else I feel like shit.

Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

One Month On Laxapro

I wasn’t unsure about writing this but I feel like I have to anyways. (In a good way of course).

 

For almost all my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life I had been unaware that I had anxiety and depression. I always thought that it was normal to feel the way I felt. Sure, there were times when I knew deep down inside that a person shouldn’t feel that way. But there was nothing I really ever did about it, or at least better said, there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I didn’t tell friends and I didn’t tell any family. I just kept it to myself.

This harmed me in the long run. Keeping all my feelings and emotions bottled up as I did was like a water damn overfilling and on the verge of bursting. Which I almost did a few times.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself or send a letter to my younger self I’d tell him to get help. I’d tell him to talk to a friend to tell them what was actually going on instead of just saying that I was “fine” all the time. I’d tell him to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and that their opinions don’t matter.

But alas, time goes on and everything happens for a reason. So here I am now. One month into taking Laxapro. (This is not a review about it, this is more of my own experience and other things I have done in conjunction with taking the pills).

It took me about five or more months to finally muster up the courage to talk to someone. I’m not one to open up to people about my issues or problems just like that. I don’t like strangers. But I did it, and I’m so glad I did.

When my therapist said that these pills might be able to help, I didn’t want them. See, I had always looked at pills in a negative way. Sure they help, but for how long? What are the side affects? What if I stop taking them? What if they make me worse? What if I become some one else? All these questions and possibly more flooded my head. But after talking with her I decided to trust her. And they worked.

I feel so much better in life. I don’t feel like I’m walking in a hole just going around in circles. I feel free, calm, at peace. Sure I worry some times because its natural. But its not like I used to.

I can’t say that the pills are the only thing that has helped, no. Another huge thing is exercise. I started to run, and run, and run. I was running almost ten miles a day! It was great. Then I joined a gym and started strength training. I never thought I’d be one to lift wights. A good diet also did me so well. I got rid of a lot of drinks that contained sugar and started drinking a lot more water. I suggest that if you want to start a diet. Drinks that contain sugar are what hold you back sometimes. Less carbs more healthy food. Hard at first but then you get used to it and then you even start to enjoy it, you just feel better.

But, the main thing that I have to say has helped me be happier, is finally doing what I want. Or in other words, stop doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m a people pleaser, probably a professional one. If it was a competition I’d win a gold medal for it. I would always put others needs before mine, do what they wanted me to do for them regardless if I wanted to or not, and in the end that hurt me.

Does that mean that now I’m this self entitled selfish douche bag? No. It just means I try to take care of myself before I take care of others. It means that yes, I will still go out of my way to help who I can, do things for them and all that, but this time if it affects me in anyway or I know the out come will in the end only hurt me, then it’s going to be a no for me.

I think I deserve a little happiness or in other words selfishness after all I’ve been through. I’m still the same guy. I still have the same heart, shoot I even think it’s better now.

In the end, I’m glad I got the help I needed, and I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m taking those pills. I’m glad I’m better now.

School/Gym

September is here and this week has already gone by so fast.

 

So, I started school at the begging of the week. Its been nice so far I don’t have any complaints. (I know that I will so stay tuned for those).

The classroom that I am in isn’t filled with a lot of students, which is good. That way the teacher can focus with less of us and spend more time individually with us if she needs to. Speaking of a teacher, I love mine. I am so glad the one that I got is one that cares for her students and wants the best for us. She said that if we go home without even one of us not learning something that day then she feels as if she didn’t do her job correctly as a teacher. That makes me feel like she really cares about getting through to us.

My classmates are pretty nice so far. I haven’t had any conflict with them so we will see how long that lasts (lol). Funny thing, I’m the only guy in the class, which I was concerned with at the beginning but now I have grown to like it.

I know some basic skills that I picked up at my last job. Its crazy, who would have thought that what I leaned at that job was actually going to stay with me till now and possibly the future? Because of that I am, and I’m not bragging, the best in the class so far. I find myself helping my peers around me with what they don’t understand. I don’t mind. It keeps me from forgetting the steps and what not.

As far as I can tell, I really enjoy that class, the teacher, and everyone else in the class. I think that if it keeps going like this it will be an easy ride to the finish line. But I know that it is too soon to tell.

In other news, I got a gym member ship. I know, way to throw that news right out there. I never thought that I would go back but my shins and my knees have been hurting so bad that I decided I needed new form of exercise other than just running. I looked into two gyms and went for the one that would give me a student discount. Ultimately, its a good gym, I say even though I’ve only been there once.

That’s been my week so far. I hope it stays this productive.

My Weight Loss Summer Journey

Three months ago I wrote a post about how unhealthy and fat I was feeling. Here I am now in the present, today. Living a healthy life. Well, trying to, if I’m being honest.

I have lost about 25 pounds (if not more, not to flex or anything LOL). In the pictures maybe you can notice but I did lose a lot. I am proud of myself. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of self control.

At first it was extremely hard. I remember I was eating out for lunch almost every single day. When I say eating I mean EATING. Every day it I felt like I could eat more and more. There was actually times when I would eat and still feel as if I had more room in my stomach. I would also go for the biggest things.  I thought, the bigger the deal, the more I’m getting for my money. But in reality, my health was going down hill and the only thing that was getting bigger was my waist.

SO, going from burgers every single day to a salad was not easy. But I slowly transitioned. Soon I was eating a salad every day for lunch. I switched my coffee in the mornings to tea (even though I went back to coffee later on, but shhhh we don’t talk about that). I tried to cut out carbs from my diet as much as I could, but not completely, I mean c’mon I’m not a sociopath.

Then I started going for a walk at my local park. ALONE. Yes, people need motivation and support, but there’s something about just walking alone, in your thoughts, with your music hitting your eardrums like a hammer on a nail.

My walk progressed to a slow jog and now I can run for a good while. At the beginning it was very difficult to see results. But looking back now, I see how I (slowly) progressed. I just had to keep at it.

I am very proud of my weight loss. I think that I am in the best shape of my life. I know I am not in the best shape in general, but still I feel great. I do have some concerns though. Well, mostly just one.

Gaining all my weight back. How would I? Two reasons. I have really bad shin splints, and I’m taking Lexapro.

If you don’t know what shin splints are then your are one lucky son of a duck. They suck and they are hard to get rid of. Basically its a sharp pain that affects the shin area of your leg. It can occur for many reasons. Flat feet, uneven surfaces that you may walk on, bad running habits, or increasing the amount of your training too rapidly before your muscles can get a chance to grow and adapt. I feel that I got them for all those reasons and more. If I can’t walk, job, or run, I am scared I’ll gain all the weight back and more.

Lexapro. If you didn’t know, I have anxiety. (One of my many wonderful character traits). A lot of it, if I could give it away or throw it out I would but sadly I can’t so here we are. I take this med to help with it. I have been taking it for about a week now. I haven’t noticed many, or if any, changes. The doctor said I would in about 3 to 4 weeks. That’s not my issue though. One of the side effects is weight gain. I’m already concerned about my shins, now this. Great. Or maybe its just my anxiety trying to get the best out of me before the med hits.

I want to get a gym membership to use other equipment that wont be too hard on my legs. But then I wimp out. I also thought of getting a bike. But then I remember that people in this dumb town don’t lock up their dogs and they chew people up in the street on the daily. Lovely.

SO, in the mean time I’ll just take it easy and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Ugh.

*Sips venti Starbucks Frappuccino*

My Life Starts Now

Yesterday, I went to the mall with one of my good friends. I was actually really concerned for everyone’s safety. As I was walking around I got a glimpse of myself in one of those mirrors they have on those poles. I audibly gasped. My man boobs were sticking out like concealed weapons. I was shocked I hadn’t physically stabbed some ones eye out with my cones of flesh popping out from under my shirt. Some one should have stopped me, my friend should have told me something! Clearly the shirt that I was wearing was not flattering at all.

I’m not one to go to the mall in the first place, I don’t understand why society thinks that its ok to make a shirt, slap a brand on it, and sell it for an outrageous amount of money, when you can clearly buy the same one or the same pair of jeans for way less with out the brand name. But, I am glad I did go because it gave me the opportunity to actually get a good look at what I have become. So when my friend asked if I wanted to go with him I said sure, I haven’t gone in months, so I went to remind myself why it is that I don’t actually like to go in the first place. I know, my mind is a tricky place.

Lets talk a little about the pictures you just saw. One is a hot, sexy, confident, young man. The other is some one who stress eats all his problems and emotions. And don’t try to tell me other wise, because NO.

In the picture on the left I was at my all time best. That was the summer of last year. The picture on the right is me now, today, about 20 minutes ago. I used to weigh 185, which is exactly what I am supposed to weigh for my age and height. Now I weigh 215. Not really much over weight, just 30 pounds. Well, still a lot, but you get me. Its all located in my gut, breasteses, and my double chins. So, what happened?

Life happened. I went to the gym more than I went to church back then. I wasn’t the lifting weights type of person which is why I don’t look buff. The elliptical was my lover. I loved that hoe. I have week knees so the treadmill always killed me. Back to the subject, I used to go to the gym but then I stopped once my mom was going to get her reconstruction surgery after surviving breast cancer. A little before that I noticed I started eating more and more. Then when her surgery came through I stopped going completely.

She was out for a whole month. I took a month or so off work to take care of her. It took a toll on me, and honestly I got conformable with myself. I told myself that when she was all better I would go back to my regular routine and I would lose all the weight that I would have gained. That didn’t go as planned. I started this friendship with a girl from church and then it turned into something else. I was so stressed. My moms surgery, work, the girl, and other things were all on my back. I looked for help and comfort and I found it in hot greasy carne assada fries. (If you don’t know what that is, we need to hang out ASAP).

But today I woke up with hope. I woke up feeling some thing that I haven’t felt in a while. I need to take care of myself. I haven’t been. For the longest time I have been taking care of everyone else. I have been the person that they want me to be because I didn’t want to disappoint them. In reality, who are they? Who really are they? They made me feel terrible. Terrible enough that I couldn’t control what and how much I put in my mouth. Not intentionally, but I still let them.

Well that’s over. I’ts time I take back what is rightfully mine. My life. And I need to put this out there and on here to keep myself in check. If I never say it, I’ll never do it. I’ll check back at and see where my progress is at.

My life starts NOW.