I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

First Thanksgiving

This will be my very first Thanksgiving I will be celebrating. It’s really the year of firsts isn’t it?

My boyfriend invited me to his families Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. I was really excited when he did. Everything that involves him and spending time with him makes me happy.

I am nervous though. I am not good at meeting new people. I have only met one of his sisters and when I say ‘met’ I mean it very loosely. I have also met his mom and stepdad, but the only words we have ever exchanged is hello and goodbye when I’m leaving and they happen to be in the living room.

I’m usually the quite one in the group when meeting new people. I need to see who they are, I need to feel the environment, I need to fell safe. If not then I’ll go into my shell. There are times when surprisingly I will be the most talkative. Usually that’s with my friends.

The thing is that all his family will be there. I don’t know them, I don’t know how they function. Plus, this is the first Thanksgiving I will be attending so its new all together.

I’m scared yes, but at the same time I’m excited. I want to be happy, I want to live my life.

 

One Month

I am super cheesy, so beware, if you are lactose intolerant, you might want to turn away.

Today marks exactly one month that my boyfriend and I have been officially Boyfriends. We have been dating for about two months and have known each other for 3 months, if you want to get technical.

So what did I do? Well despite people or society saying its too soon to be celebrating time together or in the risk of being too sappy, I got him some gifts. I don’t care if it is too soon or not, this is what I feel and I want to show it while I feel it, not when everyone thinks its a good time in MY relationship to do so.

I went to my local flower shop to buy some roses. I went to the dollar store to get some heart shaped balloons, the first dollar store I went to didn’t have any heart shaped balloons, which are the ones I wanted. I headed to a different one and they told me that they were almost out of helium, but by a stroke of luck, they had enough to give me just the amount of balloons I needed. Then I went to the store to buy some heart shaped and cheesy stickers along with some of his favorite candy.

When I came home I placed as much stickers as I could on the wrapping that surrounded the roses. (It was mainly hearts). Then I put a bow on the candy, also more stickers, and then I decorated the letter that I wrote him inside of a sweet little greeting card. (Picture below).

Today I surprised him before he left for work. I was so nervous for some reason. Shakey with hands sweaty. Who was I? I hadn’t seen that me before. I was so happy to see him, to see the look on his face, it was truly priceless. He loved everything.

I know that our relationship is new and in some way it is super fragile, but this beginning stage is so nice. Don’t get me wrong there are times we have our serious talks, its not all roses and candy. We know what we want, we understand each other, and we are very communicative.

I can see a future with him. I can see us growing together. This can’t be wrong, this feeling I have, this fantasy that I have created in my head. I like him so much, I know he likes me too. This can be so great.

I hope that our one month anniversary soon turns into years.

 

IMG_6570[1]

Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.

Friday The 13th Tattoos

SKGI6897[1]

 

As you can see in the picture, I got tattoos. For many, this is not a big deal, and yes I have had gotten some already, but these mean so much more to me.

I have always liked tattoos. Now in the era that we live in it is not uncommon to see people sporting tattoos on their body. The majority of millennial’s have tattoos now.

The first tattoo that I got on my body was on an area that no one see’s, under my shirt on my side shoulder. The next two I got on my arm. Since I was in a cult and this cult did not allow you to have these (tattoos) I always hid them. I even went to the extreme to try to remove them and I spent a lot of money doing so. But, I didn’t completely get rid of them. Which is a good part because I very much still love them. And I will definitely try to recover what I can from them.

Today, one of my friends reminded me that on every Friday the 13th tattoo shops have a special for tattoos. I was debating on weather I wanted to get any or not.

I told myself, no, this is my life (don’t you forget) and my body. You have always liked tattoos.

Getting these tattoos for me represents me finally taking decisions not being scared of what others will say, specially since they are placed in a very see-able place. It means that I have finally taken charge of my life and I am finally am doing what makes me happy and not what makes other people happy. I am finally living for myself and it makes me so happy.

I got a total of three. If I had more money I probably would have gotten way more. I saw some that I liked but I opted for the ones in the picture above. The third one is on my calf and is a Mario star (from Mario Nintendo).

I absolutely love them. They may be simple but the fact that they are spontaneous is what gives me a sense of enjoyment and is thrilling for me. I love where I put them and I think they are hella cute. I posted them online and the feedback I am getting is absolutely wonderful.

I am happy with these choices. I am happy right now, I really am.

: )