I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

Stay Healthy.

You would think that by being at home I would be able to write more, but it seems by brain has been drain from so many Netflix watching and junk food eating that I lost track of time when there time didn’t exist.

I’ve been doing all my school work from home it really reminds me of my home schooled days back in High school. I was home schooled all of high school and it wasn’t that bad. Now it feels the same because out teacher just gives us assignments and we basically have to teach it to ourselves. It’s not that bad though.

I weighed myself the other day, I have gained about 10 or so Quarantine wight. Not sure if that is a thing but it should be. It has almost been two months that I have not actually gone anywhere but the store for groceries. I really can’t wait until things go back to normal.

I don’t want to party, and I don’t want to go to clubs as all the memes on Instagram are saying. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend, go to the movies, go out and eat, go hiking. All the cute things that we used to do before this mess.

This week I started getting up early and going for a walk. It is a walk right now but I may want to switch it up into a job later on, when my body gets used to it a little more. It feels nice, and I thought it was going to be hard waking up early and getting in the routine but it hasn’t which is a good thing. I also started to eat way healthier than I was back in April.

I don’t know about you but we are still in lock down and we have about two more weeks to go, unless they decide to extend it again. I don’t think they will but even when they do open I know there will be a lot of restrictions. Which to me is a good thing, I don’t want there to be another phase of this thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and being safe, stay healthy.

Day by Day

How is everyone doing with the quarantine?

You would think that just being home and being bored would make me want to post on here more often but that is not the case. I have been having a little bit of a writers block, or maybe nothing is going on in my life at the moment.

Since my last post I have started doing school from home as the rest of the country has. It has been really interesting how everything is happening. Its kind of a work in progress.

I have stopped applying to all jobs. Last week I was flooded with emails of places where I had applied to saying that the job that they had posted was being canceled do to what’s going on in the world. So with that I kind of stopped all together, for now I just have to really budget and hope that my credit cards don’t suffer as much in the end. I know I’m not the only one being affected by all this but I didn’t even have a job to begin with.

I feel really unhealthy too, they’ve shut down my gym. I have been eating really bad too so that doesn’t add any good to it. I kind of lost a little bit of hope in everything if I’m being honest. But I take it day by day, and I’m hanging in there, just like everyone else.

Changes

I have decided to make some changes to my lifestyle.

Call Me Britney Spears because I did it again, I gained weight. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned about gaining weight here and there, with all the self love that’s allegedly going around now a days. And I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a fuck about how their body looks like, but sadly I am not.

I like to feel good about my body, I want to be and feel healthy. I don’t want abs and biceps and all that either. I just want to look like I take care of myself. Maybe its a body image issue? I don’t know, it gives me confidence, makes me feel good. Maybe I have a mental issue, who knows? The jury is still out.

To fix this I have decided to quit sugary drinks. Soda, coffee, and juices. I need to only focus on drinking water. Sugar is my main problem. That’s why I’m cutting it out of my life. I’ve done it before and not only have I dropped in pounds, my skin and mood got so much better too, along with my energy levels.

Another change I would like to make is reading. I don’t do it. I used to do a lot of it. But now all I do is binge watch shows. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney, and YouTube have all taken up my time. They have literally taken control of my life. In this time and age everyone is watching something, I miss reading. I miss using my own imagination to paint the scenes and make them how I want them to be in my head. Like, what happened to reading? When was the last time you read a book? I went to the store today after the gym and I grabbed a book. I plan to read it before bed every night, I heard that even helps with falling asleep too, so there’s another benefit.

Those are just two things that I want to change as soon as I can. There are many other things I am also working on as a person and for my self care but they are on going and I probably already mentioned them before on here so I wont bore you with the same details over and over again.

For now, it’s time to change.

10 Pounds L[f]at[t]er

It’s crazy how you can gain weight so fast. Like what’s up with that? Who made this dumb rule, I don’t like it and it needs to be changed as soon as possible.

I worked so hard to get to the weight I wanted to be at, which is really generous for myself, to come back to being the same as when I started.

In just two weeks I manage to gain 10 pounds. Last week was thanksgiving. You mean to tell me that I should refrain from eating all that delicious food? Nope, not I. I probably ate more than I should have, yes, I won’t lie there.

Plus the rest of the days my boyfriend and I ate out aggressively. Snacks at home like we’re 12 also.

This week was no different. I was a little bit under the weather so I didn’t go to the gym. To add on to the it rained so I stayed in bed watching Disney +.

And if you’re in bed, sick, watching Disney movies, of course you’re going to need snacks and hot chocolate.

Now I’m back at the gym, and I made the mistake of getting in the scale and seeing that I’m back to where I started a month ago, if not worse.

I need to stop compulsive eating. I think that’s my issue. But food is just too good to quit.

How do people become health nuts? Or vegans? What demonic presence do they sell their soul to in order to be that thin? Because I swear there can’t be any other way. This whole losing weight is demonic, I swear.

One Month On Laxapro

I wasn’t unsure about writing this but I feel like I have to anyways. (In a good way of course).

 

For almost all my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life I had been unaware that I had anxiety and depression. I always thought that it was normal to feel the way I felt. Sure, there were times when I knew deep down inside that a person shouldn’t feel that way. But there was nothing I really ever did about it, or at least better said, there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I didn’t tell friends and I didn’t tell any family. I just kept it to myself.

This harmed me in the long run. Keeping all my feelings and emotions bottled up as I did was like a water damn overfilling and on the verge of bursting. Which I almost did a few times.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself or send a letter to my younger self I’d tell him to get help. I’d tell him to talk to a friend to tell them what was actually going on instead of just saying that I was “fine” all the time. I’d tell him to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and that their opinions don’t matter.

But alas, time goes on and everything happens for a reason. So here I am now. One month into taking Laxapro. (This is not a review about it, this is more of my own experience and other things I have done in conjunction with taking the pills).

It took me about five or more months to finally muster up the courage to talk to someone. I’m not one to open up to people about my issues or problems just like that. I don’t like strangers. But I did it, and I’m so glad I did.

When my therapist said that these pills might be able to help, I didn’t want them. See, I had always looked at pills in a negative way. Sure they help, but for how long? What are the side affects? What if I stop taking them? What if they make me worse? What if I become some one else? All these questions and possibly more flooded my head. But after talking with her I decided to trust her. And they worked.

I feel so much better in life. I don’t feel like I’m walking in a hole just going around in circles. I feel free, calm, at peace. Sure I worry some times because its natural. But its not like I used to.

I can’t say that the pills are the only thing that has helped, no. Another huge thing is exercise. I started to run, and run, and run. I was running almost ten miles a day! It was great. Then I joined a gym and started strength training. I never thought I’d be one to lift wights. A good diet also did me so well. I got rid of a lot of drinks that contained sugar and started drinking a lot more water. I suggest that if you want to start a diet. Drinks that contain sugar are what hold you back sometimes. Less carbs more healthy food. Hard at first but then you get used to it and then you even start to enjoy it, you just feel better.

But, the main thing that I have to say has helped me be happier, is finally doing what I want. Or in other words, stop doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m a people pleaser, probably a professional one. If it was a competition I’d win a gold medal for it. I would always put others needs before mine, do what they wanted me to do for them regardless if I wanted to or not, and in the end that hurt me.

Does that mean that now I’m this self entitled selfish douche bag? No. It just means I try to take care of myself before I take care of others. It means that yes, I will still go out of my way to help who I can, do things for them and all that, but this time if it affects me in anyway or I know the out come will in the end only hurt me, then it’s going to be a no for me.

I think I deserve a little happiness or in other words selfishness after all I’ve been through. I’m still the same guy. I still have the same heart, shoot I even think it’s better now.

In the end, I’m glad I got the help I needed, and I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m taking those pills. I’m glad I’m better now.

My Life Starts Now

Yesterday, I went to the mall with one of my good friends. I was actually really concerned for everyone’s safety. As I was walking around I got a glimpse of myself in one of those mirrors they have on those poles. I audibly gasped. My man boobs were sticking out like concealed weapons. I was shocked I hadn’t physically stabbed some ones eye out with my cones of flesh popping out from under my shirt. Some one should have stopped me, my friend should have told me something! Clearly the shirt that I was wearing was not flattering at all.

I’m not one to go to the mall in the first place, I don’t understand why society thinks that its ok to make a shirt, slap a brand on it, and sell it for an outrageous amount of money, when you can clearly buy the same one or the same pair of jeans for way less with out the brand name. But, I am glad I did go because it gave me the opportunity to actually get a good look at what I have become. So when my friend asked if I wanted to go with him I said sure, I haven’t gone in months, so I went to remind myself why it is that I don’t actually like to go in the first place. I know, my mind is a tricky place.

Lets talk a little about the pictures you just saw. One is a hot, sexy, confident, young man. The other is some one who stress eats all his problems and emotions. And don’t try to tell me other wise, because NO.

In the picture on the left I was at my all time best. That was the summer of last year. The picture on the right is me now, today, about 20 minutes ago. I used to weigh 185, which is exactly what I am supposed to weigh for my age and height. Now I weigh 215. Not really much over weight, just 30 pounds. Well, still a lot, but you get me. Its all located in my gut, breasteses, and my double chins. So, what happened?

Life happened. I went to the gym more than I went to church back then. I wasn’t the lifting weights type of person which is why I don’t look buff. The elliptical was my lover. I loved that hoe. I have week knees so the treadmill always killed me. Back to the subject, I used to go to the gym but then I stopped once my mom was going to get her reconstruction surgery after surviving breast cancer. A little before that I noticed I started eating more and more. Then when her surgery came through I stopped going completely.

She was out for a whole month. I took a month or so off work to take care of her. It took a toll on me, and honestly I got conformable with myself. I told myself that when she was all better I would go back to my regular routine and I would lose all the weight that I would have gained. That didn’t go as planned. I started this friendship with a girl from church and then it turned into something else. I was so stressed. My moms surgery, work, the girl, and other things were all on my back. I looked for help and comfort and I found it in hot greasy carne assada fries. (If you don’t know what that is, we need to hang out ASAP).

But today I woke up with hope. I woke up feeling some thing that I haven’t felt in a while. I need to take care of myself. I haven’t been. For the longest time I have been taking care of everyone else. I have been the person that they want me to be because I didn’t want to disappoint them. In reality, who are they? Who really are they? They made me feel terrible. Terrible enough that I couldn’t control what and how much I put in my mouth. Not intentionally, but I still let them.

Well that’s over. I’ts time I take back what is rightfully mine. My life. And I need to put this out there and on here to keep myself in check. If I never say it, I’ll never do it. I’ll check back at and see where my progress is at.

My life starts NOW.

The United States Healthcare System

The healthcare system in the United States is one piece of S***.


Before I start ranting, let me give you a little bit of a back story. Sunday night, I felt a little bit of back pain that I didn’t pay much attention to. On Monday morning I woke up with a more pain. It was a sore like pain. But only when I moved or twisted back and forth, I would feel a sharp pain in my upper back on only one side. If that didn’t make sense, it’s basically where I have my kidney at, that’s where.

I didn’t work Monday (because there was no work) so I rested the whole day in the hopes that the “soreness” would go away. I even put an Icy-Hot on it. Nothing happened. That’s when I knew things were a little more serious. Tuesday morning, I went to work but I was still feeling the pain as I was up and around. I did a half day and decided to go to the doctor after.

At the doctor I found out that my healthcare insurance had been suspended or inactive since last year in August (great). I still saw the doctor anyway and had to pay for the visit but I didn’t really care, I needed to know what was wrong with me.

Here’s where my rant will start. You are warned. Since, I do not have healthcare insurance, I can’t know my diagnosis. Once the doctor asked me all the normal questions and I did a urine test he concluded it could be one of two things. A kidney stone, or some type of muscle thing that I can’t really pronounce so I don’t remember it.

(Ok, this is where the rant actually starts). He asked me what I wanted to do. HE ASKED ME. After seeing that I didn’t have insurance he asked me what I wanted to do. I mean sure, he gets some compassionate points for caring about my financial status and being concerned on how I will be paying for things. But since when do you go to the doctors and get asked what you want them to do with you? Um fix me.

This is what he asked me; did I want to pay for an ultra sound to find out the root of the issue, or did I just want to rule it as the “muscle issue thing” and take some pills for it. The “muscle issue thing” would have been a cheaper option. But would it have been an actual correct diagnosis? NO. I just told him to put in the order for the ultra sound and I would figure out the insurance later.

It sucks that everything is so dam expensive that doctors are willing to misdiagnosis a person to help them out. Its insane. Pills too. He asked if I wanted pain pills. He even informed me that it would be cheaper to just get them over the counter. Gee thanks.

Well, I went to apply for some healthcare insurance and GUESS what they told me. When I asked how I could reactive it they told me that I had reapply. REAPPLY. The process would take 30 to 40 days to response. OH, ok, let me just pause the boulder that’s lodged in between my organs until I have healthcare. I told them that I needed it sooner and the girl LITERALLY said, “well, you should always make sure your information is up to date so things like this wont happen.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that piece of advice? She had a point but I wasn’t asking for her opinion.

So what now? I have no healthcare, I have no money because my job is crumbing to the ground, and I have this pain in my back that’s laughing at me. I don’t know what I have. WebMD is my best bet right now. According to them I have kidney stones. I just pray that its not a big deal because from what I heard, these little stones cause major pain.

And, (I just want to add before I’m done here), I don’t think I’ll even apply to healthcare right now. Why? They ask all these questions. Like who lives with you? How much they make? How much you make? All that BS. HELLO, excuse me, if I am applying for this its because I CAN’T pay for it myself bro. What do you care what the people I live with make? They aren’t going to pay for my medical bills. WTF. (That actually made me giggle, it sounds so stupid).

Then also, I most likely wont have a job in a couple of months. So if I am denied, I’ll have to do the whole process over again. It’s all a big mess I tell you. This is USA. Right? Wait let me check . . .  yes it is. I told my friend about it to blow off some steam. His response was, “guess we’re moving to Canada.”

 

 

The Mental Are Flaky

I did it. I saved the friendship, once again. I hate saying it like that because it makes me sound as if I think I’m all that, and I’m not, I’m just stating the facts. Ok, now that definitely made me sound full of myself.

I texted my best friend yesterday morning. I asked him if things were just going to stay like this. Giving each other the silent treatment and only speaking indirectly to each other. I wanted to know because honesty, at the point of my life that I am at right now, I don’t have time or energy to be playing this high school frenemies BS. If we’re just not gonna get passed this then let me know so I can move on with my life, you know what I mean? If we are, then, we are. That’s that.


I went to church last night. I know I’ve been moody and under the weather lately, and more and more people have picked up on it more than ever. They say that they are worried and part of me wants to believe them. At the end of the day they know me and I want to believe that they care.

An Elder of the congregation pulled me aside last night and asked if he and another Elder could have a talk with me. I already knew what was coming. I’ve been through these talks so many times. I already knew word for word what they were going to say.

I fluctuate heavily with my spirituality. I can go one day from being best friends with God and the next to being the cup bearer of Satan. That’s just the way it is sometimes. I can’t help it. And I told them that, not in that exact way. But they got the picture. They told me it wasn’t normal. I told them to check my track record, surely they’d see it. Either way, they told me what I already knew.

Although, let me just rant on here for a sec ok? Ok. Well, he did say that Sunday when I didn’t go, I was assigned “sound”. (Yes, if your baptized you have what they call “privileges”. You are assigned these tasks that you have to do around the church. They change periodically). Since I didn’t go, and allegedly, the main guy didn’t go either, the whole thing started 3 minutes late. Ok sue me. Big deal.

The thing that bothers me is this; telling someone that they were to blame for something not happening when they were not ok mentally. Sure yesterday I was crawling out of the black hole I’d fallen into, but what if I still was in it?

I’m sorry SIIIIIIR, let me put my mental freaking issues aside so you all can carry on with your service, because there’s no one left on this earth who can possibly click ONE FREAKING GOD DAMM BUTTON to turn ON a freaking mic, forgive me for being sooooo problematic and irresponsible.

Glad that’s out there.

Oh, don’t even get me started. (My mind just did the fasted U- turn right now you don’t even know). This dude (the Elder) texted me Sunday saying they’re worried and blah blah ect ect right? I told him sure I’m fine. Then he said he’s glad or whatever, then he asked me if I was going to go to yesterday. I thought, oh wow that’s cool he does want me to be there that’s nice. So I get there yesterday (I know it sounds grammatically incorrect but stick with me here), and I walk in and another Elder tells me I will be reading out of a book (it’s for a book study we do every week, some new guy reads weekly), it was my turn apparently.

So then I thought. OHHHHHH you son of a witch. He was covering his butt. I’m assuming he thought I wasn’t going so he would have to look for a replacement since he knew it was my turn to read. God knows the mental are flaky. But I digress.

Things are changing now. But it’s different this time. I can’t explain it. But eh.

Keto Diet

If you have been living under a rock just as I have, you have no clue what the keto diet is. I have only recently been informed that this is the new diet that is totes “in” right now. It’s trending and its only a matter of time before its more popular then being vegan. Everyone is on it.

But, what exactly is the keto diet? A keto or ketogenic diet is a very low-carb diet, which can help you burn fat more effectively. According to the internet. Don’t take anything I say literal because I am no doctor and I do not have one ounce of knowledge in my brain about being healthy, but I mean if its online its basically stone cold facts. Right?

If you are slow like me it will take you countless websites and about an hour of reading to finally catch on to what this trend in eating is actually about. But, here, let me simplify it for you. Basically…or allegedly, if you stop eating carbs, your body will burn fat. And as I read on some sites, your body burns fat faster than it burns carbs. So logically, because you know we are, not eating carbs your body will be FORCED to burn fat. Isn’t that just lovely? Sounds like a lie right? It might be but who knows.

On this diet you can not eat any carbs or sugars. I feel like I haven’t said that enough so I said it again. Only eat fats. “Healthy fats”. You can’t just think your going to go out and eat fried things and what not, no, calm down, sit down, I’m not finished. You have to eat like chicken and eggs and cheese and all that crap. No bread, tortilla, candy, and (god help us) NO FRIES. Oh and to make matters worse NO PIZZA. Ok I know I’m losing some of you on this diet right? I literary heard someone click off.

People are actually losing weight on this diet though. They are losing it drastically. Not like try it one day and be a Victoria secret model the next day fast, but still pretty fast. So the big question is should you do it? Should I do it? I don’t now. You can do what ever you want. Seems like its worked for some people. But at the same time I love food to much to be anal about what I can and can not eat, you know what I mean?

Look, I’ve tried being a vegan, vegetarian, and all that and nothing has ever helped me lose weight then me just eating healthy. A good balanced diet never hurt no one. Sure, cut some sugar out of your life and maybe put those fries down. Instead of five slices of pizza only eat three, you’ll thank me later. And most importantly, or not really but I just needed a good transition phrase, exercise.


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