One Month On Laxapro

I wasn’t unsure about writing this but I feel like I have to anyways. (In a good way of course).

 

For almost all my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life I had been unaware that I had anxiety and depression. I always thought that it was normal to feel the way I felt. Sure, there were times when I knew deep down inside that a person shouldn’t feel that way. But there was nothing I really ever did about it, or at least better said, there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I didn’t tell friends and I didn’t tell any family. I just kept it to myself.

This harmed me in the long run. Keeping all my feelings and emotions bottled up as I did was like a water damn overfilling and on the verge of bursting. Which I almost did a few times.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself or send a letter to my younger self I’d tell him to get help. I’d tell him to talk to a friend to tell them what was actually going on instead of just saying that I was “fine” all the time. I’d tell him to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and that their opinions don’t matter.

But alas, time goes on and everything happens for a reason. So here I am now. One month into taking Laxapro. (This is not a review about it, this is more of my own experience and other things I have done in conjunction with taking the pills).

It took me about five or more months to finally muster up the courage to talk to someone. I’m not one to open up to people about my issues or problems just like that. I don’t like strangers. But I did it, and I’m so glad I did.

When my therapist said that these pills might be able to help, I didn’t want them. See, I had always looked at pills in a negative way. Sure they help, but for how long? What are the side affects? What if I stop taking them? What if they make me worse? What if I become some one else? All these questions and possibly more flooded my head. But after talking with her I decided to trust her. And they worked.

I feel so much better in life. I don’t feel like I’m walking in a hole just going around in circles. I feel free, calm, at peace. Sure I worry some times because its natural. But its not like I used to.

I can’t say that the pills are the only thing that has helped, no. Another huge thing is exercise. I started to run, and run, and run. I was running almost ten miles a day! It was great. Then I joined a gym and started strength training. I never thought I’d be one to lift wights. A good diet also did me so well. I got rid of a lot of drinks that contained sugar and started drinking a lot more water. I suggest that if you want to start a diet. Drinks that contain sugar are what hold you back sometimes. Less carbs more healthy food. Hard at first but then you get used to it and then you even start to enjoy it, you just feel better.

But, the main thing that I have to say has helped me be happier, is finally doing what I want. Or in other words, stop doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m a people pleaser, probably a professional one. If it was a competition I’d win a gold medal for it. I would always put others needs before mine, do what they wanted me to do for them regardless if I wanted to or not, and in the end that hurt me.

Does that mean that now I’m this self entitled selfish douche bag? No. It just means I try to take care of myself before I take care of others. It means that yes, I will still go out of my way to help who I can, do things for them and all that, but this time if it affects me in anyway or I know the out come will in the end only hurt me, then it’s going to be a no for me.

I think I deserve a little happiness or in other words selfishness after all I’ve been through. I’m still the same guy. I still have the same heart, shoot I even think it’s better now.

In the end, I’m glad I got the help I needed, and I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m taking those pills. I’m glad I’m better now.

Another Surgery

My mom just got home from surgery today. I know, another surgery. This will be the third surgery within three years. I shouldn’t complain because there are people out there that go through way more surgeries than this, and props to them, but I still see first hand the effects that it does on my mom, and its challenging.

She is brave though, I’ll tell you that. She walks in hospitals like its just another walk in the park. Like its just another thing she added to her to do list on that day. I really hope that this will be the last one. She needs a break from them. The human body wasn’t made to be opened up every once in a while, or at all actually.

She’s doing well. Still coming out of the anesthesia. The surgery she had today wasn’t too big. It was two hours or a little longer I think. They had to fix some scar tissue and damaged tissue from her last surgery.

Her last surgery about a year ago was a major ten hour surgery which involved tissue replacement and removal from a part of her stomach to her breasts, since the previous year she had her breast removed to do breast cancer. Last years surgery also involved moving some blood vessels, which is not an easy task for any doctor, seeing as they are complex things caring the very thing your body needs to function, blood

The only down side to all this (which yes, I will sound selfish for a bit but hear me out), is that people form her church will want to come visit her and “give their support”, aka tell her how blessed she is to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, yes I’m happy she is alive and well, its the meaning behind their words that I question, or their reasoning as to why they believe what they believe. 

Since they will be coming to visit I will have to be in contact with them. I haven’t seen any one from church for more than three months now, almost going on to four. I can’t just go hide in my room and pretend that I’m not home. I am civil still.

The thing is, will they ask what I have been up to? Will they even want to know what I have been doing with my life? Will they tell me that I should go back? That they “miss me”? What will I tell them? I want to be honest but I still want to be disrespectful. I believe that you can still keep your integrity without hurting other people, even though sometimes people will take your words and turn them into something that you really never even said, but that is on them at that point.

I hate how this was about my mother and I just went on to turn it around and make it all about me. Isn’t that funny?

Anyways, my mom is doing well for now and that is all that matters.

What Doesn’t Kill You… Will Come Back Again And Again To Try To Kill You Every Time You Beat It

Self harm has never been easy for me to talk about. Even though I have talked about it on here before, it’s not and easy topic or an and everyday thing to speak about.

I’ve had a really long relationship with self harming. It’s different for everyone. It had been a little over a year since the last time this accrued. But it did. It has.

I don’t like talking about this. I don’t like even mentioning it. I hide it. Keep it covered. No one can know no one can find out.

My best friend yesterday finally broke through that wall. Everything seemed ok, everything was, or at least that’s how I usually play it as. Until he saw through it for the first time.

I told him. I don’t know why. I don’t even know how. But I did. Today when I woke up, I felt a wave of regret. Why did I tell him? He wouldn’t care. He doesn’t need to know, this isn’t his problem. Embarrassing, humiliating, and pathetic problem. Is he even going to want to still be friends?

So many thoughts went through my mind. But it was different. He listened. He was there. And he offered to help. Just thinking about it now makes me ball out with tears.

I like to say I’m strong. That I can do it all. And many people have told me that that’s what they see in me. Because that’s what I let them see. But there’s way more. I didn’t think I’d come back to this situation I’m in again. I thought this was all done with. It was all over. The whole “what doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger”, but it’s not like that. It’s more of a What doesn’t kill you, will come back again and again and try to kill you every time you beat it.

There’s a song that really gets to me every time I listen to it. Maybe it’s cheesy, maybe its too something something, but the message in it is what I relate to.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
I do it every, every, every time
It’s only when I’m lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don’t wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I’m lonely

I’m sorry that I’m here again
I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention
I’m sorry to myself

-Demi Lovato

ICU, Paint, And Recovery

Success. My mother’s surgery went great. Ten long hours went by like a wink of an eye and it was soon over.

I’ve had an overwhelming amount of support from friends and people from church. I never imagined people would care. I know that most of them do it because it’s a nice thing to do. But I appreciate the ones that do it form the heart.

I haven’t slept much. While my mother has been in the hospital I wanted to surprise her when she comes back. I’m painting the kitchen and the bathroom. The bathroom will be blue and the kitchen will be white. I can’t wait for her to see it.

She’s been at the hospital since Friday. She was in ICU since this morning and then they moved her to a regular room. Which is great news. They want to discharge her by tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully she gets well soon. She’s walking on her own although she does need help getting up but that’s a great start.

Once she’s back home I’ll need to rest in between me taking care of her and also driving my brother to and from work. I don’t go back until October the ninth. I think I will be well rested for that.

Right now I’m trying really hard not to spend money since I’m not getting paid for this time off. But I know somehow we will get through this rut.

I Don’t Have The Answer

I’m sitting in my car outside of my local Starbucks.

I bought an ice tea to calm my nerves. Extra sugar light ice, just how I like it.

Yesterday I went out with a group of friends to eat at Applebee’s. It was nice. I tried my hardest to steer the conversation to anyone other than me. They are all doing well and they seem really happy.

One of them invited us to a party that’s going on this very second. I told them I might go. Of course that’s code for thank you but no. I don’t do parties.

I arrived home around midnight and woke up 4 hours later. Another friend texted me at midnight and I responded thinking she would be asleep. She replied almost immediately.

She wanted to talk about her boyfriend. Like always I’m everyone’s punching bag. Their safe place to vent. I’m always there for them. So I told her ok.

I met her at the gym and I told her I couldn’t go inside. She said it was lonely because it was 5AM. But still, having people stare at me while I work out just didn’t appeal to me. But suddenly I’m inside walking next to her on a treadmill.

She told me how her boyfriend got drunk with his friends and left her out to dry. This happens often, so it didn’t come out as a surprise. The thing is that she’s over it. She made a total mess in their room.

Later on in the day she called me crying saying that she got kicked out and her boyfriend told her he doesn’t want anything to do with her. I was there for her and listened to her.

The friend that I came out to has been really distant. But then again he doesn’t show his emotions. It’s like he’s a wall. No, I have better conversations with walls.

He snap chatted me , life is good.

I started crying. I started gasping for air. I felt as if I as inside a balloon. Digging my fingers through rubber trying to escape. The air felt so thin. Heat burned my ears and my hands dripped with sweat.

There was a point when I didn’t even have tears. It was just the sound of pathetic sobbing. Out loud I heard someone repeat, I’m tired, over and over. I shortly realized that it was me.

My brain is playing me. My brain is tricking me into feeling things I do not wish to feel. I ask myself, how do I stop this? But like always I never have the answer.

Learn How To Give

I know many people. I’m close to a lot of them but I consider very few my actual friends. They are more like very close acquaintances. People that I talk to constantly but have no trust in.

There is one friend though who is closer than the rest. She’s really cool. When I was going through all my shit and also my moms breast cancers she was there to get me through it. Out of all the people that I pushed away she would always try to get a hold of me.

That’s what I appreciated the most. I went through a dark phase where I told everyone that I didn’t want them around when I was hopping they would say no were her for you and we’re not going anywhere. But they didn’t. Only she did, and that made me see a lot of things a lot clearer.

Even now that I communicate with all my friends and our relationship is better than before she is still the one I talk to on a daily basis. Recently she’s been going through a lot. She doesn’t have a job currently and I fell terrible for her because I was in her shoes once.

We went out to eat last Wednesday and I lent her some money to get her by. She was one her way to an interview and it’s looking like she’s going to get it. I hope she does. She is a good person and deserves more than what life is giving to her.

But that’s what this post is more about. Giving. We need more of that. When people need help we need to start learning how to give. There is to much going on now a days that we need to come together. Plus, you never know when you will be in that situation that will need the help.

It does not have to be money. I know most people automatically say I don’t have any money or resources. That’s not the only way we can help. Just being there for someone, listen to them, hear them out, help them with anything that they might need. We are only hurting ourselves by making enemies, we not come together and work as a team?

My Friend

I have a friend, he’s been going though a lot lately. He’s been up to so much and he feels like he’s running in a race and everything is moving so fast he just can’t keep up. This friend a good person, at least to my understanding. He has done no wrong and no harm to anyone.

This friend told me what he’s going through. He said that he loves his job, he loves his family, his friends are cool. But life is just not treating him fairly. I asked him why he felt that way when everything seemed to be going well for him. He just said that seemed was the word to stand out in that sentence.

I told this friend to let it all out. He said he couldn’t. He said his friends wouldn’t know how to help him. He said his friends love him but wouldn’t understand what’s going on. He also told me he doesn’t want to make everyone feel down about his problems when they also have problems.

My friend told me he loves his family, and that’s why he’s working two jobs. He wants to save up for the rainy day that he knows is in its way. I told him to breathe and take it easy. He said he did, but that didn’t really help much. I asked him to tell me the honest truth, he did, and it scared me.

I told him that everything should get better, that it didn’t have to stay that way, he told me he doesn’t see it happening. I reminded him of all the good things he’s done and the things he has overcome, he agreed that those things have made him stronger but yet those things have also warn him done a bit.

I talked to him since our last chat. He sounds better. I asked him what changed? He said he didn’t know. He just felt different. Could it be something isn’t ok with him? Could it be he has some sort of disorder? I didn’t ask him but the way I looked at him he new what I was thinking.

As I pressed my hand on the bathroom mirror I looked into my friends eyes and told him with all sincerity that everything was going to be ok.

Go Fund Me

          In the looks of money shortage I have decided to start a Go Fund Me account. It wasn’t an easy decision. I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask for help. Not because I am full of pride and what not, but because I don’t want to be dead weight on someone. I don’t want to seem like I am burden on someone. But things are complicated right now.

          My moms surgery turned out to be successful and things are looking great for her. Yes we’re still having trouble with the insurance again, and this time for the oncologist. Granted we were having trouble with them since the beginning. For instance, they are charging us the first appointments we went to back in March and April which some up to the hundreds. Things are hard as it is and with bills being pilled up on top just makes everything even more stressing.

          Yesterday my dog past away which just added more grief to the already huge mountain we have. I created this Go Fund Me account a while back a couple of weeks before we knew that my mom had breast cancer. I never published it or shared it because I was scared to. What would people say? How would I look? Like a failure? Like someone who couldn’t keep it together? These thoughts pushed me back and I thought I could do it on my own, but it seems like I can’t.

          I have been at my lowest for a while and I just need a little help getting back up. You don’t need to donate if you don’t want to, some words of encouragement will go a long way as well. Either way thank you.

 

 
 

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Hole In The Bag

            So, it has been a week since my mother’s surgery and I can say she’s doing really well. It’s nice to see her smiling and laughing . A lot of her church friends have come to lend they’re support and to also bring food and what not. I’m great full for that. The elders from the congregation have not yet came to see her which I think that’s pretty fucked up. If you are supposed to take care of your “flock” and one of your “sheep” is hurting and needs words of encouragement they are the ones that should be here first . But then again this congregation is full of hypocrisy. But which one isn’t right? That’s the definition of religion. 

            Tomorrow I return to work but only for a couple of hours since I have to take my brother to the doctor and then later also my mom for her check up . I was planning on going back on Thursday and Friday but I feel That I should also take those to days off and just start a fresh new week next week. I know I’m the sole provider but I really want to be here for my mom. 

             I had a mini fight with (my only church/real life friend) which left me feeling guilty . We have a visit at church from someone important and he wanted me to go. I told him I wanted to stay home with my mom. But he took it soon himself to call some people so they would take care of my mom and I would go. That made me upset because it’s not his decision weather I go to church of not. Yes, he’s probably worried about my spiritually but still. He apologized and we said good night. And that was the end of it. 

            After that I felt like I just didn’t have anyone who really understood me. So what do you do when you have only one friend and your mad at that friend so you literally can’t talk to anyone about your problems? You go online and you talk to strangers. Look, it was late and I was irritated, at the moment it sounded like the best idea. And I actually found some guy who lives in Mississippi. Not that that’s close by but still. We talked for two hours then I fell asleep. I haven’t talked to him yet today but maybe later on. Again, I’m usually not the one who reaches out first. 

            I’m feeling overwhelmed just a little bit I can’t let that get to me right now. I just have to find a way to distract myself from everything that’s going on or else my marbles will be lost. 

She Deserves The World 

             The day has finally arrived. Tomorrow is my mothers surgery. How does she feel? How do I feel? It’s pretty much a conjunction of feelings all wrapped up into a ball, something along the lines of a rubber band ball. Remember those? 

             My mom is scared of going down. She’s afraid the doctors will put her under for too long and she might not come back. I try comforting her by telling her that the doctors know what they’re doing, but I’m not going to lie,  I’m hell of nervous as well. 

             We are getting a lot of support though. It’s nice to see what people who actually care about you will do for you. Our neighbors and our landlords are being very supportive. Some of my moms friends will also go with us tomorrow. Gabriel will be there. He insisted he wanted to go. I told him it was fine. 

I have been group chatting with Eli and Jenny on Snapchat. They have been sharing funny pics here na dthere in the efforts to make me happy or cheer me up. At least that’s what I feel, or take away from it. It’s nice if them. But they haven’t asked me about my mom which kind of bothers me. I gave them the date, they should at least say something supportive, even if it’s cheesy I’ll talked it at this point. But maybe they will tomorrow, who knows? 

             Right now I feel on both sides. I feel like everything will go fine. Then again, I feel that something will go wrong. Stupid doubt. I don’t really know how I’ll feel tomorrow. Nervous out of my mind, but I’m trying to keep the up most positive attitude. It’s draining to say the least. 

             It sucks that this is happing. I know, we might not deserve the world, but we most certainly do not deserve this. Especially my mother. She does actually deserve the world. Everyone we have told said that if they can’t go that they will keep us in their prayers. I appreciate that. I too will pray my heart out.