A First

 

Today marks a first for me. My mother left home about two hours ago. Every so often about three times a year Jehovah Witnesses from different congregations gather for a whole day and listen to many many speeches allegedly about the Bible.

Today is the first time in all my twenty five years of living that I will not be attending. It feels good. I thought I was going to have an empty feeling. Or a sense of sadness. But I feel fine. I don’t feel bad about it. I know that she has to be there on her own, and most likely people will ask her where her kids are at. But even though that may be true, I can’t be there.

The last time I went I was out of the religion, but I decided to go for her, again, and it was about three months ago. I was only in the religion for her. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve ever said that, I’d be rich). I had to stop doing that, I had to start living my own life.

I thought that she was going to try to invite me or urge me to go, but she didn’t. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I wont be going back. I respect that from her. I don’t get on her about her religious stuff and she doesn’t tell me anything about me living my life.

I’ve been spending all my weekends with my boyfriend for more than a month now. She hasn’t asked me about it. I’m assuming she must know I’m seeing someone, before this I would spend my weekends in bed watching Netflix. Now my weekends are more exciting.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I feel like I haven’t talked about him in a while. But that’s just me, if I don’t talk about him in five minutes I feel like its been days. We’re doing great, in case anyone cared.

I’m off to spend the weekend with him. I hope everyone else has a great weekend as well.

 

Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.

 

I AM . . .

I have lived a double life for a while. (I am a mess). I go to church. I am a Jehovah Witness. You think you know them. But, you don’t know them well enough. Some rumors are true, others are created in the same room with fairy tales. The point is that I have been in and out of this organization for the past 5 years.

Who am I?

 

I am a God fearing son of a woman who raised two boys all by herself. She isn’t a bad mother, she loves her kids and loves God just as much. I am her son. I have friends in this organization that say they love me. We have history. We have fun, and they have been there for me in my hardest times. I am a good christian, that dated a very nice christian girl but sadly did not work out. I live my life in the eyes of these people as if I am an innocent angel that can do no harm and lives by all the laws of he bible.

I am a rebel and a hypocrite. I partied and drank hours before a church speech. I slept with men right after taking a suit and tie off after coming from a place that told me not to, that it is sin, and not what I was meant to do. I have friends out side of church that I love to death but am told no to speak to.

I am confused. Who am I? All my life I thought I was different. I felt something was not  ok. I never belonged. Up until last year I thought I was gay. I denied it at the start. I tried to change and it didn’t work. So why did I end up falling in love with a girl? Why did I have such a fond of being with her? When at the same time I saw guys the same way? Why? What do I want then? Who do I want? Who am I going to be?

I am a liar. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to my best friend and tell him that he is the only one I talk to. That he need not worry about me, that I am not talking to anyone out of our religion. I lie to my mother when I go out with the “none believers”. I lie when I’m asked if I am ok. I lie to cover up past lies and lies to come. I lie to myself. I lie so much, I start to believe what I am saying is the truth, but I can’t find the truth.

I am messed up. I am an emotional mess. One week I am out of the universe happy, and the next colder than the dark. I will be the most bad ass confident person you will ever meet. I will also be the most quietest, shiest, hands-in-pocket young boy in the world. At times small things can trigger me to jump without thinking, other times the most serious things in life can’t even make me flinch.

I am scared. I don’t want to disappoint my mother. She is my everything. If she is not happy, I will not be happy. What will people say when they find out? If they do? What will they think? What will I do? Who will I run to? I will lose it all. Everything I lied so hard to keep. All those years. Will my none religious friends even want me? What if they feel resentment towards me for only running to them when I need them? Only when I don’t have any where else to turn to? Will they help? Will they be there? What if I am left on my own, what if I can’t find a way out? If I get trapped in my head? What if I can’t take it all? Then? Now? What if I make a mistake that will cost me everything?

I Hate How Some Gays Act Like Girls

Date from hell.

That’s the only way I can describe the date I went to this past Friday night. No, nothing really happened in the aspect of weird scenarios, but the fact that the guy was just so closed minded and difficult make me cringe just at the thought of remembering it.

I had been talking to him for a little over two weeks and he seemed like a really nice person. But messaging someone is so different from actually talking to them face to face. I was excited to meet him, I really liked him and he was actually pretty cute.

All of those perceptions of him changed once he started opening his mouth. I picked him up because he doesn’t drive (that’s like a bad start already). He had me waiting an hour because he wasn’t even ready. We were going hiking, what did he need to get ready for? It’s just a hiking.

We ate pizza and he paid for it saying he was sorry he made me wait a while. He told me that his nephew had just lost his cat and he didn’t want to leave him alone. Yet his mom was there to take care of him.

Anyway, meanwhile on the way to the hike, it starts going south and that’s when I got that guy feeling that I wasn’t going to like him. I’m not sure what started it all but he came out saying he didn’t like drag queens. He said he respects them but he doesn’t understand them or know why they have to do what they do. Ok I let that one slide. Some people just don’t like the things you do and that’s ok we can all be different.

But then he says he doesn’t classify with the gay community and he doesn’t think they have helped him in any way, shape, or form. Now, I’m not a crazy gay community fanatic. I’m not waiving my rainbow flag in your face or shoving my rights down your throat, but I do appreciate what te gay community has done for me.

Because of the gay community I am more accepted by others, I have the choice to get married if I wanted to, and even though there still is discrimination there is way less than how it used to be. I am more free because of the gay community. Because of their protects, because of their parades and exposure people have grown to accept the gay community. Sure not everything is represented accurately but I’m not gonna sit here and deny that they have helped me.

He also said he doesn’t want to be a cliche. Ok, sure that’s understandable. But if you follow that up with “I hate how some gays act like girls, if I wanted to be with a girl I’d date a girl.” You fall in that category of gays who hate other gays.

I understand we all have our likes and dislikes, like I said before that’s great that’s fine, we are all different. But why does hate have to come into play? Why do you have to broadcast it in such a way that makes you sound like you’re putting them down?

To make matters worse, while hiking he says he was straight before and he had crushes on girls but they never paid attention to him so now that’s why he’s gay. *insert face slap emoji here* This dude either has issues with his sexually or just flat out does not want to be gay. Something must have happened in his life to make his views on being gay so terrible.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself for the longest time denied to be gay. But I wasn’t out there telling the world I was straight. I always tell people I wanted to be straight. But there was never one point in my life wheee I actually felt straight.

Through our time that we had been in communication he had told me that guys never return his calls or never want to go in a second date with him. I didn’t understand that because he was a nice looking guy. He seemed sweet, but he’s rotten form the inside with his closed up mind and thoughts.

I Miss You Already

Love.

It never seems to happen at the right time for me. If it seems like there is something good going my way then bam¸ life wants to pry it out of my hands. And it happens every single dam time.

I met a guy yesterday. Yes, on an app, (shut your mouth and don’t you dare judge me). When he started talking to me it seemed that he wasn’t that into me. Then the conversation progressed ever so smoothly. Like we had known each other for a long time. We talked and and talked for hours without ever running out of things to say.

He asked me what I was looking for. I said maybe a friend or a relationship. I described to him what I felt and what I wanted. He really liked what I had to say. The only catch this time is that he is moving 6 hours away because of his job. New promotion.

Just my luck, when I find a cute guy that actually likes me back and is into me, he has to go and move away. The issues is that we really liked each other. So, I kindly accepted his jokingly invitation to go over, yolo right?

He really didn’t want me to go because he knew we would catch feelings for each other. And it turned out that we did, or at least I know I did. I went to his house and we talked for maybe an hour or so outside. We then went inside where we continued our coversation.

Again, talking to him was so easy, everything just came out of my mouth, my complete trust was his. We didn’t talk anything serious, just regular midnight talk. We even talked about the stars and what not, I know, very romantic. I felt like it was a fairytale, I was delighted.

Then we went to his room and just watched Netflix. Suddenly we are holding each other. I was glued to his body and he was to mine. The smell of his body made me float to cloud nine and I felt like I was untouchable. I felt like right there at that moment, I was finally living my dream. Like all the wars and battles I had to go through in my life were all worth it because they had all led me to that moment.

It was too good to be true and then I remembered he was leaving soon. I told him, “this seems like a movie. No, like a book. What would we call it?” He came up with really good names to name our future book. But then I said I Miss You Already. We settle on it without a second thought because it was such a heart breaking tittle.

Its sad but it is what is happening. I am falling for him, I know he is leaving, but yet I want more of him. My arms still smell like him. I can’t get his face out of my head, his lips and even the feeling of him holding me in his arms. The way he laughs and jokes around are all ingraved in my memory. Even his cute little cat, Jasper.

This definitely feels like one of those summer books I used to read about when I was younger. Boy meets boy, they fall in love and then one has to leave, then slam, broken hearts. But those always end with a happy heart warming ending right?

Will ours?