Ruined The Friendship

I think I just ended a friendship.

I texted one of my friends that I was going to take a break from talking to him for a while. I told him things are weird and seem a little off. He said that nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

But isn’t that what everyone says to calm down a situation? Like if someone came up to you and just went like – I think I’m going crazy. You’re not going to look at them and be like – oh yeah dude for sure you have been acting wild. No, you’re gonna be sympathetic and be like -nah man it’s all in your head.

I mean I don’t know. I don’t know why I do these things. I feel so inexperienced all the sudden with everything, I’m surprised I don’t forget to breathe sometimes. Or even how to blink.

Let me go back though, so, I know it has to be me. I feel like he’s really been annoying lately. I’m not sure how or even why. But I’m just bugged out by every little thing he says. Maybe I’m under to much stress and everything that’s small just seems really big right now. (That actually could be it to be honest).

We’ve been friends for years on and off. He’s very stubborn, never wrong, and not the most humblest of people. But I look past that. Or I’ve been looking past that. But sometimes it gets on my nerves.

What did I want him to say? I wanted him to be like, -no, I’m still going to text you everyday. We don’t need a break. Or even, -is it something that I did it said? How can I fix it or help? You know what I mean? Something along those lines.

I also feel that we’ve been drifting away. Going separate ways in different directions. I get that. We all grow up and make our own decisions or what ever but god dam its hard. Thought we would always be friends.

No one tells you this stuff. No one tells you you’re going to disconnect with friends. No one warns you. Again, maybe it’s just me. I always like to blame myself and take the fall for stuff. Mainly because it’s mostly my fault at times, but still.

Will I talk to him soon? Maybe. Will he reach out first? I hope.


Watch my latest YouTube video

Do They Know Me?

The concept of actually knowing some one makes my little brain flutter with emotions.

How do you know someone? Sure, you know there favorite color, favorite foods, the things that make them happy, and even the things that they hate. But these are just things that you know of them, not necessarily them, themselves.

I know a lot of people. Well better said, I know of a lot of people. I know many things about them. Through the course of years I’ve gotten to know more and more about them. They too have grown to know of me. But do they know me?

Do they know me? No. They know the me that I let them see. They know the person I want them to see. The person they want me to be. Why? To keep them? To make them happy? To not cause any confrontations? The answer to all of these may possibly be yes.

I would like someone, at least one person, to get to know me. Not of me. Not my favorite color, nor food, or anything that describes me. I want them to know me.

Swiper, No Swiping

I did it. I mean I really did it.

I deleted all my dating apps. I only had them for about two weeks but they were starting to take over my life.

Wake up, swipe, eat, swipe, drink, swipe, sleep, swipe. There was just too much swiping. I was getting matches left and right not to toot my own horn or anything.

They were mainly for hook ups but I did have some cool conversations with some of them. Even added them on social media .

But since I’m looking for love and I was not seeing a hint of that I had to let it go. I don’t think I believe in apps for relationships anymore. I don’t think I ever did I just really wanted it to happen. And it didn’t so my theory was proven right.

I always felt like dating through apps was too mechanical. As if you are trying too hard to find love. Love is supposed to happen just because right? Not on some app with some stranger that just happened to swipe right because he was like “eh he ok.”

So now I’m open to what ever. A friend says they have someone in mind for me , show me. If we happen to cross each other’s path then so be it. But I’m just really tired of trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

We Will Survive

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. Or have bad juju. Or have the worst luck in the world. Or if I get even more creative, which I have, maybe the guy who is in charge of writing my life in the book of life is just screwing with me and likes watching me suffer. Who knows? It's just a series of unfortunate events and they seem to get worse.

Today we went to the oncologist to see what treatment my mother would need. We thought we were finally going to move forward with this. Once we arrived we waiting more than usual and then once in the room we knew why.

They lost the fucking results. Ok let me explain. We have to see three doctors. The surgen, the oncologist, and the lab people. Apparently, when faxing over all the info or how ever they communicate with each other they lost the results. Well, technically not lost. They said that they are some where but they just don't know where. Hello! Definition of lost here.

The oncologist said they are trying to solve this as soon as possible. I saw the look of frustrating on my moms face and tried to calm her. She's already going through enough for this to happen and I hate seeing her down. It's like life is against us. What are we supposed to do? Roll over and die? Seems like that's what life wants.

No. We will survive. We will get though this. My mom is going to call the surgen and see what she can do. If that paper can not be found then the tissue will have to be tested again to see what type of came it is, hormonal, estrogen related, or something else the Dr. said I didn't really catch. And that testing can last for another couple of weeks.

Of course this happens to us. It's so annoying and I can't be surprised it has. After all that we have gone though what's not to be expected? But my fingers are crossed and if I have to start buying candles, a wand, a cauldron, and chant my way to a better life so help me God I will.

Hang In There 

            These flowers were given to me today by my friend Eli. She texted me yesterday that she wanted to give something to my mom and asked if it was ok to come over. She hasn’t met my mom, but I was going to the store today that’s by her house and I told her we should just meet up close by there so she wouldn’t have to drive all the way here and we could chat a while . 

            I hadn’t seen her in over four months I think. Since that last time we went to the park togther. It was nice seeing her. And even though I just wanted to talk to her alone I’m glad her husband went as well. Or else I would have been all mopey and gloomy about everything. I’m glad I got to see both if them. It was nice catching up. I really do miss her and I wish we would talk and hang out more. Hopefully the future changes. But life is weird. I’m optimistic right now but that changes really fast. We’ll see what happens , anything can happen. 

            I think it was really nice of her to give these to my mom. She really liked them. She also have me a little care that’s said hang in there. Telling me that even though things are hard right now they will get better. I hope so, but I don’t know. I should just start going with the flow. The flow seems to be moving pretty well so. I shall move along as well, because in the end life keeps rolling even if you dont.