Cheesy And Corny

Valentines Day is a week away.

I know, I’m sorry if you are single, trust me I feel you. Even though I am in a relationship I might as well be single for this holiday. It sounds bad, and to be honest I should just give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I mean we have never spent a romantic holiday like this together, its our first, so how would I even know that its going to be any less romantic than what I have already planned in my head? I must be a bad boyfriend.

Well, my boyfriend isn’t really the most romantic person. I on the other hand, oof, I have all these things planned for him already. I am actually starting tomorrow. Valentines falls on the day right after our four month anniversary. (Yes, I am one of those. I say ‘I’ because he just follows along with me just to make me happy but he could care less about those things if I wouldn’t care, aka bug him about it).

Anyways, since those two days are so close together I thought I would get him something cute a week early. He is really into Drag, (which is one of the many things that annoy me about him, but this is not the time or place), so I decided to buy him a vinyl figure of his favorite Drag Queen that just recently was released. I was lucky enough to get the very last one available.

AdorePopI plan to gift wrap it and give it to him as a pre-anniversary/Valentines Day gift. I know he’s going to freak out and love it. He is always saying catch phrases from the show (ugh) and will always make references, (you know at times its actually cute).

LoveCardThen the very day of Valentines (which he took off just to spend together, which was super sweet of him, didn’t see it coming at all) I am going to give him the first love card? Is that what they are called? Those greeting cards, but Valentines version. Of course I will add my own pizzazz on it when I give it to him.

HisOneHisOnlyI have a total of three to give him thorough out the day. I also have some key chains that say “his only” and “his one” and candy in heart shaped boxes. They are so cute! To top it all off I bought this light that is almost similar to a neon light, but it says “I love you” and it also changes color.

ILoveYouLightGoooooodness, I am so excited to see his expressions! This is my first Valentines that I am spending with someone other than myself this year, so you bet your little red heart that I am going all out. When I was single I would always picture myself with someone celebrating this day. I know that its sappy, and cheesy, but I LIVE for this stuff. You should see the inside of my imagination, nothing but a pink and red haze, with unicorns farting rainbows and barfing up puffy cute little heart shaped clouds.

RomanticUnicornsUnfortunately, nothing that I have ever dreamed of has gone according to my architectural imagination. So I have to brace myself for what ever it is that my boyfriend gets me. I know that its not what he gets me, he still loves me, I just think its cute. And it makes me appreciate him more, I mean isn’t it so cute to think that a person was out in the world looking for something to give to you, thinking of you, thinking of all the things that might put a smile on your face?

No? Just me? Uh ok.

I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

Love, Affection, And Attention

I had a talk with my girlfriend just some hours ago about her showing more affection in our relationship. I’m not pushing her to do anything physical, all I’m asking is for her to tell me how she feels. I want to know if she’s happy or sad or mad or something, anything! Just tell me how you feel!

I’ve mentioned before on how I feel as if I’m dating a rock. And it does honestly make me feel that way. Sure, when we were friends it was fun and I really enjoyed being around her but now that we are in a relationship it’s different, or at least for me it should have been. I thought things would change but I still feel as if I’m just a simple little old friend.

But thanks to her I see what I want in a relationship. I want love, affection, and attention. I want someone who will make me a priority just as I have to them. Someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want a connection, I want chemistry. And what I have now is not that.

I told her I don’t want to continue on like this but when she started to cry I caved in and agree to try a little more. And I honestly will. Maybe she does need time, or maybe she needs something else? I’m not sure but I know what I want and she doesn’t.

I’m giving her a month to see what happens. I don’t expect things to change but in the course of our conversation she pretty much explained to me how she doesn’t see herself changing and she really doesn’t need cheesy acts of love in her life and she’s fine with me not doing those things. The problem is I want to do those things and I want those feelings reciprocated like just about anyone else.

Putting it in my head that this isn’t gonna work out will help me leave her for sure this time. And also distancing myself from her little by little bit at the same time being super nice, this will help us heal better and maybe it will be good to just go back to being friends.

My best friend doesn’t want me to end it. He says it can work out, but can it? I don’t know. We have very different view points in many things and as much as I’ve tried to get this going I always seem to have a problem with something. So maybe it’s me? But I won’t use that excuse because I’m always the one compromising.

Anyway those are my thoughts for right now. Of course they can change because usually they do, can’t help but be myself.

I’m Dating A Rock

Will someone tell me if love is supposed to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I can not get a break. I mean, I’ve tried love so many ways and so many times with so many people and it seems like it just isn’t going for me. Maybe, just maybe, I over think too much. Or maybe it might just be who I am as a person. I’m going to be stuck being one of those people that will for ever be alone. And when people look to me they’ll say, “why are you alone? You are such a great person, anyone would have been lucky to have yuh.”

That’s the thing, I don’t know why I would end up alone, or even answer that question, but it seems that after every relationship I am. Do I ask for too much? Am I needy? Clingy? I’m sure there has to be a person out there like me, someone who feels the same way as me.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while now and I’m having trouble, hmm let’s say, trying to figure out if she has a heart.

I know it’s doesn’t sound nice of me. I know it’s probably cruel to say it, but I’m dating a freaking rock. If I tell her I like her, she says thanks. If I tell her she’s beautiful, she denies it. If I compliment her in any way she won’t take it. Those aren’t things you say or do when your dating.

I still feel like I’m just one of her friends and not her boyfriend. She never says anything cheesy or romantic. That’s what I crave, that’s what I need! I want to be smothered in love. I want to feel warm inside all the time. I want to think of her and feel happy, not sad because she’s hiding her feelings from me.

She told me she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. I don’t know what to do with this information. Am I supposed to show her? Isn’t it just something you do? A simple, “hey I don’t know how to say this but I feel good being around you ” would be nice. Or even a miss you here and there wouldn’t feel to bad either. I just want expressions that make me know that you like me being around you. Just something, anything!

If I can’t get any human emotion out of her then I think it will be best to just leave things as they are now.