Not Human

I am very well at expressing my emotions. If I am happy you will definitely know that I am. If I am sad, with no doubt that will show on my face and the way I carry myself. Even possibly it will show in the way I walk.

Now,¬†my question is, how do some people walk around this world faking all of their expressions and emotions? Hiding their emotions like its a dirty stain on their shirt that they don’t want anyone to see. Sweeping it under the wrong where no one can see them but everyone can step on them?

But then, late at night. That’s when they let it out. When they are alone. When the pressure is to much and their shoulders are tired of caring a facade all day. Is that healthy? Is that ok? I mean yes, my emotional state of mine brings me problems once in a while but I’d rather let it all out then hold it all in, if that makes any sense.

One of my friends texted in in the middle of the night with some words of concern, or at least I thought. But then soon in the day when I asked him about it, he told me “never mind”. Oh, ok, sure. I’m sorry I bothered you with my friendship. It must have been a typo what you wrote, did you forget to put your filter on at night? That something actually real came out of your mouth?

Are some people like that? Do they not like to talk to the people they most trust? Honestly yes, I do feel that way some times. But not to the fullest extent. I don’t want to reveal what I feel. But then there are times when you wont be able to shut me up. I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s ok we’ve learned to love that about me right? (LOL).

I’ve noticed though that there are some people I know that I wonder if they are even humans. They show no sign of emotion, sympathy, or anything close to acting like a regular person would. They walk around acting like the rest of us, they live their lives just as a regular person would, and they even have “connections” with people in their inner circles. If you didn’t take time to pay attention they might even seem like regular people. But they’re not. They can’t be.

The one thing that’s missing is, emotion. There is none. They act like they are supposed to if I tell them something sad. They try their best to show compassion, but lets be real, I know its all fake. I know they hide something behind that cheesey smile.

Or maybe its just me? Most likely.


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Inside My Head

Human interaction. We all need it. Even the most antisocial person on the planet needs basic human interaction. With out it we go crazy.

Have you ever felt that way? Maybe you live alone, took some days off work to relax. Stayed home and did nothing. Soon you crave to talk to someone.

It’s a strange feeling. The need to let your thoughts out for someone to hear. The need to see someone’s reactions to your words. The feeling you get when you get a response to what you’ve said or done. It makes you feel alive. Or else how would you know?

It’s hard to live in your head. Most of us do it unconsciously. Living day in and day out talking to ourselves. Answering questions our own minds asked us in our brain. Some of us make up people that don’t exist just to relay information and get it out of the system. Yet, who do we kid? We are just playing ourselves.

I feel this way a lot. Recently it’s been stronger than ever. I live in my head. I’ve built a strong house on a a great foundation in a lovely city there. In my head I see the world in a different way, better. Some times the outer world is just a scene in the tv in my house in my head.

That’s what happens when you slowly lose interaction with humans who once you were close with. Do you blame them? Or do you blame yourself? Coping is only part of life. It’s how we survive. It’s how we still live on with out going crazy. Or are we all just a little crazy?

I sit. Open a book, till my head back, and relax in my warm little home. Inside my head.

Crossroads

Sexuality has always been a big part of my life. Not because I'm a sexual man whore going around trying to get in everyone's pants. I mean in the way that I have always been trying to figure out who I am and what I like. Of course sexuality does not defy who you are, that's not what I'm saying, but nonetheless it's a huge part of what makes you, you.

So in the past and even until now I've always gone back and forth from being gay to straight and vice versa. I feel one way at one point in my life then I feel completely the opposite. I'm probably broken, or like missing a wire. I even came to believe that maybe I was pansexual and just fell in love with people's personalities.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I don't know what to do. Well now that that's out let me go into further detail.

There's this girl at work on second shift, she's extremely beautiful. Way over my league, but for some crazy reason she likes me? She thinks I'm 'cute'. Which makes me laugh because I haven't been called that since I was in my late teens.

So the problem is this; should I go on with the flirting? Should I go along with the texts? The smiley faces? Should I spend time getting to know her? What if this ends all bad? What if in the end I truly don't like her? I don't want to lead her on just because someone has finally should the slightest interest in me.

On the other side of the coin there's the possibility of actually falling in love. Of actually having some one who understands and likes to be around me. An actual relationship. With like two people. LoL. Am I that desperate for affection? For attention? Is it shallow? I have no clue. I've dated both girls and guys and I have had feelings for both so maybe in the end I'm just bisexual?

You know what? I'm not going to label it. Because in the end we are all people and love is love. I can't chose who I fall in love with. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't we'll that's because it's wasn't meant to be. I'm young and I have to start taking risks.

Rejection 

            It’s crazy how we as human beings always have to be a part of something. We always have to feel wanted. And when we don’t, the feeling of rejection feels like fire consumming up a beautiful green forest in the middle of the night. It feels like a knife slowly erupting from within the heart cutting circulation and cutting life itself. At least for me it does. 

            That’s pretty much how I have felt all my life. One of my main fears, if not my number one, would be, rejection. It feels awful. One of the worst feelings someone can have. Specially when all you have ever wanted was to be part of something, to be, involved. 

            Everyday at work the coworkers I associate the most with and I always sit at the same table. We have marked it as our table. Not literally of course but mostly everyone knows that it is where we sit on our breaks and lunches. But some times someone new or just another random employee will sit there. That won’t make my coworkers sit else where though. They will just pull up a chair and sit around them. 

            It may seem rude but they are polite and say hi and offer their food or snacks. Maybe we should sit somewhere else? Maybe we should get there earlier? But we don’t. 

            Today though was different. I got ther last and all the seats were taken. It’s a table for four, and I was number seven. I pulled up a chair and Mr. Brown who was sitting at a near by table said, “Dam man! There’s a free table right there.” 

           I felt really bad. Yes, I could have gone to that table and sat alone. And even though I don’t consider my coworkers friends they are still close associates I talk to. As bad as it sounds they are there to fill the empty void I would feel if I was alone. 

            When Mr. Brown said that, it made me feel bad. Bad that I wasn’t brave enough to sit alone. Bad that I always had that feeling of rejection in the back of my mind that I had to avoid. Bad that I always had a feeling of being wanted. Bad that I had to sit at that table to feel part of something. Bad because I was just using them to not feel alone. 

But, am I the only one?