Terms And Conditions

Ahhhhhhhh.

 

Ok ok ok. Since I have been posting all week might as well continue the streak right? So, today I’ve spent my whole freaking day researching. Yes, researching. Let me tell you why. So I’ve been watching so many YouTube tutorials on how to begin a channel and what you need to know and all that juicy stuff. The one thing that people don’t tell you is that you need to do a lot of before kind of things.

 

No one tells you that you need to have a good software editing system. No one tells you what type of camera to use. No one tells you what type of laptop to use. Everyone is more like, “this is what I use, this is what I have used in the past, you can use what ever you want.” And if you want to know what the most popular camera or editing software there is you really can’t because they all use something different.

 

Done with that rant. Any way, I spent my whole day at Starbucks just reading up on YouTube regulations and copyright laws and all that wonderful things. I think that this is the first time I actually sit down and read “Terms and Conditions” before accepting. The amount of time I spent today on this is insane but I’m for sure so into this.

 

After I noticed that my laptop that I currently own is slower then I am I decided to go get myself in debt and buy a new one. I researched this as well and asked so many questions, I think the guy helping me at best buy was annoyed but he did help a lot. (Shout out to him). I am very happy with the one I purchased. It looks really nice but I hope that it actually works like I want it too.

 

Oh, another thing I did was I downloaded Instagram and Twitter. I am no social media whore, but if I want my channel to get views and people to see me I need these platforms to grow and expand. (So go follow me! ;} I’ll let you know when I’m finished setting all that up so you can).

 

Right now I’m at Starbucks again. Don’t worry, its a different one. I set up my laptop which took a while, I’m downloading DaVinci Resolve. It is the best video editor I was able to find that is actually free. I watched some tutorials in the mean time, and I have to say it looks really high end and professional.

 

Now, for the good stuff. My first video is done. It looks like complete trash, I’m not even going to lie. But hey, its my first video and I really don’t know what I’m doing. You would think that I would delete it and just make something better. But here’s the thing. I really had so much fun filming and editing it. Since its also the very first thing I produce (dang check me out) I want everyone to see where I came from, you know when I make it big, (hahhahaha I’m just kidding). But I think you get what I mean.

That’s all for now. Don’t worry I wont bother you tomorrow with another post. I know I can get a little annoying. I’ll wait till Monday.

Social Media

Is social media ruining friendships? Or in the contrary, is it helping friends get closer to each other?

My over all verdict is going to have to be that you can decide which way it will go. Social media has given us the gift of being somewhere with someone, but not actually or to be more literal, physically been there with them.

This in its own sense can be good just as it can be evil thing. You can be enjoying the beauty of nature from home through your eyes of your friends pictures. You can be at the ocean while your furnace warms up your cabin in the mid west on a cold winters day.

I know it’s not the same thing as actually bing where the picture or video was taken. But don’t you feel like your there? Or at least feel the sand in your feet, or the smell of trees , and been the wind blowing in your hair.

Then again, you can also know the exact location of your friend. Or honestly really anyone. If they allow you to see their mobile location, you can pin point where they are with an almost exact precision.

This last one has ruined my life. I think a lot. I am one of those people who asks themselves every possible question that really has no answer because they are foolish questions.

Why are they there? Who are they with? Why didn’t I get invited? Then once these questions don’t get answered, they are followed by deeper ones. Maybe they don’t want to be around me? Maybe they became bored of me? Is this their way of saying goodbye?

Social media. Good or evil?

The Aftermath

I did it. I finally did it. I came out to my best friend and I thought it was going to be the hardest thing ever but it actually wasn’t. It’s was a little too easy I thought.

That’s not the thing that’s is bugging me though. It’s the aftermath. I thought this would bring as closer. But then again there was a possibility that it would drive us apart. And I feel that is what is happening.

I know it must be hard for him to understand or comprehend, and I should be understanding, it’s not everyday your best friend tells you he’s gay. But still I feel that there is a distance between us.

I over think things a lot. This might be one of the ultimate situations I have been overthinking lately. But who are we kidding? How can we possibly say that things were going to stay the same?

I know he choses what words to say. I know he’s careful in the way he speaks. We planned on hanging out the day after I told him and that day we didn’t end up doing anything because he had to go do “stuff”.

I thought to myself, does he not want to hang out? I also was thinking how needy I am. I need approval I need validation. Maybe he’s just tired of all that? Maybe he’s been drained and is to the point were he’s had enough but can’t find it in himself to cut me off.

I’m afraid that if I give us space eventually one of us will walk away. Will that happen regardless?

I sent him a Buzzfeed snapchat. On it was a list of things you like to do on your phone. It was all for fun. There was a question in there that he answer that bugged me. “Do you like texting rather then talking in person?” To which he said yes.

I swear I over thought that so much. Like, was he saying that he doesn’t want to hang out? Or in general with other people? But still how can someone like to text more that speak in person? And I the only one in this world who still sees the value in personal interaction.

I don’t know what to think anymore. No, that’s wrong because we all know I have so many more thoughts. But I’ll stop here for now.

It Would Be Nice Of You To Just, LISTEN 

            One of my friends had the audacity to call me out on social media. Snapchat, to be more specific. She captioned a picture of her face saying how her (Jen) and my other friend (Eli) still loved me and even though I “didn’t want to talk to them” they still missed me.

            FIRST OF ALL, I am not ignoring them, or not wanting to talk to them. They have not tried their best to communicate with me. I wish they would because I want to tell them everything. But if I’m not asked how will I?

             But that’s not even the main reason why I am upset. The fact that she called me out on social media was fucked up. You think, well, I think that if she really cared she would have called me or texted me. That was not the way to get my attention.

             So, I told her. I did want to talk to them I just didn’t know how. I thought that this would steer the conversation somewhere where she could reassure me that she was there for me. Instead she just said, “nigga just talk to us how you used to.”

            This, bothered me because I was trying to be real and open up to her but she just waved it off as if it wasn’t a big deal. So I told her that I did them a favor because they wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone who was broke, and sulking every second of the day.

             To that she played the victim asking if I actually thought they were that superficial. Of course not, she just didn’t understand what I was trying to say! That they go out a lot and me saying I don’t ever have money was going to get old. But I didn’t even try to explain that, I just told her that I didn’t know how to express myself.

              She told me I didn’t need to. That I didn’t have to tell them my problems they just wanted to hang out with me and have fun and laugh and shoot rainbows out of our ass, the fuck? My mom has fucking cancer you bitch, I’m not going to go out and have fun and forget that.

              Every single time I get the feeling of being happy, there is a little voice in my head that pops up and asks me, why are you having fun? As I try to answer this question the voice speaks for me and gives me a list of all the things that bring me down and cloud my memory. There is no way I can get that voice out, it’s always there. And it wont leave until my problems do, so never.

                 Jenny, I love you but you not wanting to listen to my problems really hurts me. It makes me feel like you don’t really care about my life. Because as sad as it sounds my problems are my life and they are part of me. I just can’t put them in the closet and take them out when ever I am ready to face them. They follow me around where ever I go. I can’t just put them in a box and push it to the side while I go out for the night and have fun, they will still be there when I come back. I wish you would do the opposite and ask me whats the matter. I know you can’t fix it, I know they aren’t your problems, but it would be nice of you to just, listen.