My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.¬† They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than¬† just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

Jealousy

When I was young, and my mother told me I would be having a little brother, I was very excited. I had been an only child for six years and even though I had a very creative imagination I still felt having someone around would be fun. But it wasn’t till my brother was born when things started to changed.

I felt as if the attention had gone to him. Which technically speaking it had. He was a baby after all and they do require more time to be spent with them. That didn’t stop my little kid brain to think I was being replaced. I felt an immense sense of jealousy. Not only because my parents focused their time and attention to my brother but other people too, family members or friends, they all wanted to see the baby. Maybe they should have taken my feelings in consideration, or maybe I was out of line.

Last year, a similar thing happened to me. Me and my best friend had a great friendship. We talked about everything, we joked and laughed and we’re open just about anything. It was a friendship like no other. We were really close. What happened? My jealousy. I would get upset if he would go out with other friends. I would get mad when he wouldn’t be able to hang out. I would get frustrated every time he would be doing something instead of just doing random things with me.

That jealousy drove us slowly away. My mistrust and jealousy and his annoyance towards me drove a wedge between us. It wasn’t till the end of last year when we finally made up.

Now that I have been in a relationship for a couple of months I see it again. I have an issues with jealousy. Or do I? My girlfriend has a male friend that she swears she sees him as her “little brother”. The way I feel towards him has became more than jealousy. Almost hate. I’ve never felt such a huge feeling of dislike for a person like this before.

They have many things in common. More then her and I. He always wants to be around her, saying how much of a good friend she is. He tries his best to make her laugh, and usually succeeds. So am I jealous? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Most people would say yes and then the other half would say no. I think I do. How would you feel if your significant other was laughing and having a great time without you with someone else the same sex as you?

“I trust my significant other”, “and they come home to me.” Yes I’ve heard it all before. Sure you can trust as much as you want but no one is perfect. Of course they go home to you because they live there and they have to , but after they’ve done what? And been where? I can see a hint of trust issues here as well.

I’m really scared of getting hurt again. This time it’s different. This time I actually want this. In all my past relationships even though I liked them and enjoyed them I always knew they would end and it didn’t bother me. Now, I don’t want it to end, I want it to last.

9.8.18

Yesterday was the day.

The day I realized something. Standing on stage next to a beautiful young woman, listening to the wedding ceremony, and feeling all the feels, I want to get married.

Ever since my parents divorced when I was younger I started to believe strongly that marriage was just a load of BS. The thought of me getting married was just not in the picture.

I already knew I didn’t want kids. So not getting married would help in a way. Plus I was never in a good place to get married. I’m the soul provider of my family.

But then I thought. Isn’t that what a father or husband does? And then I met this girl. I knew about her. I always saw her once in a while at church and gatherings. But I never talked to her the way I have been talking to her.

We were paired up to dance at a wedding for the bride and the groom. Her soul is pure. Her smile is perfect. And her laugh is magic.

I knew I liked being around her about a week ago. I liked conversing with her and spending time with her. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, I like her.

During the ceremony I began putting myself in the shoes of the groom, and who was there beside me? She was. Her beautiful eyes glowing with tears of happiness and joy.

Later that night when we were dancing, another one of our friends asked her out to dance. She asked me if I was cool with it, of course I said yes. Because we’re just friends right? But deep down inside I was in pain. Jealousy struck me like lightning, and all I could think about was why isn’t she dancing with me?

I wanted her there with me. I wanted to feel her body move with mine. I wanted to hear her voice in my ear. I wanted her presence. I wanted to make and hear her laugh. I wanted her.

And I still do.

Karma, Dude You’re Failing Me

          I feel that I am a good person. At least, comparing myself to a lot of people, I know I am. But sometimes I feel that I could be a much better person. I try my best to be nice and kind and treat others the way I would have wanted to be treated in their shoes. And even though it’s said that ‘what goes around comes back around’ I feel that only applies to the bad. For example, hurt someone and then you will get hurt in the future. But then again you could also say it’s Karma. Bad Karma good Karma, I have no clue. But I’ve done good and not revived as much good back. 

          Anyway, one of my friends went to his college orientation yesterday and he had to spend the night there. It was a two day event to get to know the campus and what not. This is where I get mad. This is where I ramble on about how life sucks for me. And in all honesty. It does. 

          He messaged me yesterday morning and he sounded like it was a pain in the ass to go. I was like dude, you have the opportunity to go to college fully paid in one of the best countries in the world and get a good education and make something out of yourself and your complaining? I swear if he would have been right in front  of me I would have slapped him right in the face. 

          I feel like in these situations I have the full right to be jealous. Like I have the up most authority. Why? Well , he has a home, he doesn’t have to work, his college is paid for, and let alone that he’s is going to college period. Fuck yes I’m jealous! Or maybe I’m confusing my jealousy with anger? 


          Am I angry? It is a possibility. He is so ungreatfull. I’m fighting and clawing my way through life and he’s chilling and complaining? What kind of a friend is that? He’s privlaged. Way too privlaged. Never had to think about the future because it was simply just given to him. Everything he’s ever wanted just has always been there. He hasn’t ever needed anything because he has always had everything. 


          I was thinking the other day. And it’s kind of funny. I thought, what the fuck did I do in my past life to get stuck in this crappy one. It just came right out of the blue. But I mean it. I see bad things happen to good people. And I see bad people with all their success. Like, Karma, dude you’re failing me! I’ve been nothing but good in this life and it seems I’m In a never ending bad spiral. It’s annoying, just saying. 

          Will I tell my friend how I feel? Of course not. That would only cause more drama. I’ll just keep it to myself because I’m such a peace maker and I’ll talk to him like normal and whatever. But I’ll keep my space. It’s only a matter of time before he thinks highly of himself and leaves me behind in the gettho while he’s off making millions in who knows where doing who knows what, but that’s just the way it is. Welcome to life.