Coming Out to my Brother

I came out to my brother.

Let me first say that I never thought it would be difficult coming out to him because he is one of the most “chillest” people I know. But there was always that little fear in me that seemed to be bigger than it actually is.

We were on our way back from the DMV, he passed his written driving test which I figured would be a good time to tell him that I am a flaming homosexual. The car ride was about 40 mins long so it was perfect time for a long chat.

I started off asking him what his thoughts were on our old religion. He was never into it as much as I was, he never got baptized in it, he also stopped going way before me, because he had to work. He told me that he liked some stories from the bible and all that  but that it just wasn’t for him, I told him I felt the same way.

Then I asked him what his thoughts were regarding ‘gay people’. He said he didn’t mind them, they’re just people. He seemed cool about it, I had asked him this question about ten years ago but he said he didn’t remember but he had said just about the same thing. Then I asked him what he thought if I were to be gay, to that he said he didn’t mind he didn’t really care, its my life he said.

I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t even shaky. It was more of exciting. Like when you tell a friend about a new movie. I mean I shouldn’t feel nervous there is nothing wrong with being gay, it should be exciting to tell someone that actually.

After I told him that I was I asked him if he ever knew, he said he didn’t. He did notice that I had a ‘man’ as my screen saver on my phone. I took the opportunity to show him who he is when he asked if I had a boyfriend. He even said, “is he cute???”

My heart melted, I felt good for him to be excited for me to have a boyfriend. Then we talked about how my mom would take it. Both of us know she’s not going to like it. She’s going to shun me, and according to her religions rules, if you are associating yourself with a person who is ‘sinning’ you also have to be shunned. So, since I have my brothers support my mother would have to abide by her religions rules and not speak to the both of us.

Technically speaking, she is going to be losing both of her only children for that religion. Its really sad, and we talked about it for a while. We talked about her maybe not even wanting to live with us. If that’s the path she wants to take we will help her do what ever she needs to do, but were not going to kick her out of our lives like her religion tells them to do to us.

Either way, it has been done, I don’t feel any different. I am just glad he knows.

When will I tell my mom? I have no clue, for that I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. It wont be easy. Specially seeing her cry everyday or not having her speak to me and just ignore me while living in the same home. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

2013 Emails

The other day while at school, I decided to clean up my email folders and I found a conversation I had with someone back in 2013.

Just a little back story for you; At the time (2013) I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. I was in a religion that would not accept that, and I was also 17 living with a mother who would give her soul and life for said religion (oh how little has changed).

I searched online for any gay Jehovah Witness, because at that moment in time, I thought I was the only one. Surely there could not be another boy struggling with his sexuality inside a religion out there. I was wrong.

I found the story of this one guy who, after trying to take his life while being in this said religion, decided he was going to start living for himself. I was in tears when I read what he had to go through. His parents were more religious than my mom has ever been, they even had titles in the congregation, they were the perfect Christian family.

Its been a while and if I remember correctly he eventually left the religion once he met his boyfriend and came out to his family. Some left the religion with him and some stayed being and just shunned him and the ones who left, because that’s what they are trained to do.

I emailed him since he left his email at the end of his story, in case anyone needed to contact him. I look back and see how naive I was, and simply lost. At that time I thought my life was over. I felt so alone, so sad, helpless.

Once he emailed me back we started talking on a regular basis. We became friends. But we lost touch, but coming across those emails made me want to cry. They made me want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. The sense of being alone and helpless rushed over me like a fever. But at the same time I wanted to know how he’s doing.

I emailed him. I still haven’t received a reply. Who knows, he might have changed his email address, or the email could have gone to spam. He might just not even remember who I am, I’m assuming I wasn’t the only one he got emails from back them. Hopefully he replies.

I started to think how different Me in the past and Me in the present are. I wonder what would happen if they were in a room together. The things I would tell my past self. Then I thought about the Me in the future. What is He going to think of the person that I am now? Will I be the same? Will my thoughts and opinions change? Who will I be in the next ten years?

Its a lot to think about.

A First

 

Today marks a first for me. My mother left home about two hours ago. Every so often about three times a year Jehovah Witnesses from different congregations gather for a whole day and listen to many many speeches allegedly about the Bible.

Today is the first time in all my twenty five years of living that I will not be attending. It feels good. I thought I was going to have an empty feeling. Or a sense of sadness. But I feel fine. I don’t feel bad about it. I know that she has to be there on her own, and most likely people will ask her where her kids are at. But even though that may be true, I can’t be there.

The last time I went I was out of the religion, but I decided to go for her, again, and it was about three months ago. I was only in the religion for her. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve ever said that, I’d be rich). I had to stop doing that, I had to start living my own life.

I thought that she was going to try to invite me or urge me to go, but she didn’t. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I wont be going back. I respect that from her. I don’t get on her about her religious stuff and she doesn’t tell me anything about me living my life.

I’ve been spending all my weekends with my boyfriend for more than a month now. She hasn’t asked me about it. I’m assuming she must know I’m seeing someone, before this I would spend my weekends in bed watching Netflix. Now my weekends are more exciting.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I feel like I haven’t talked about him in a while. But that’s just me, if I don’t talk about him in five minutes I feel like its been days. We’re doing great, in case anyone cared.

I’m off to spend the weekend with him. I hope everyone else has a great weekend as well.

 

Jehovah Witnesses Are Harassing Me

I thought it was over. But of course why would it be? Cults will not leave anyone to rest in peace once they leave their “flock”.

I haven’t been to or seen anyone from church in about more than six months now. I have not gone door to door soliciting people to come and “join” the religion for longer than that. So, tell me why I get called by one of the higher ups in the church and get told if I have my “numbers”.

I then get another text from another one a few days later and he says that he wants the “progress report” for the past months from my family and mine. This is basically a paper a Jehovah Witness has to fill out each month on how many hours they spent knocking on doors, how many people they spoke to, and how many pamphlets they gave. I know it sounds crazy, what’s crazy is how they act like I haven’t been going for months and have the audacity and ask me for them out of the blue like I just took a little mini vacation and I’m on the way back.

After I was flooded with text messages and I didn’t respond, I was then harassed with phone calls. One after another, I had to block them them. I had enough, I don’t need them in my life anyways. Plus, there is no reason in me going back and forth with them telling them that I’m not going to go back because all they’ll try to do is “fix me”, as if I was broken, no I’m not, I just actually found out the Truth this time. When you don’t agree with their believes they classify you as “sick” or even “under Satan’s control”.

Days later I got a text from another person from church saying he wanted to hang out with me and some other “brothers” and asked when I was available. Instant block. Do they not get a hint?

I know I could just tell them, write a letter and officially leave them as an organization. (Yes organization, its not a religion, inside they even call it organization, I remember while being in there I would all the time). In doing so, I would lose my mother. Even though we live together I know she’d stop talking to me, she would only direct her word for anything that was absolutely necessary. That’s so fucked up and its the way that they have made her think it “pleases God” or its what he wants. I doubt God wants a mother to shun her own son.

Today I got a text from my ex’s mom. OUT OF ANYONE she had to text me. She said that I was making a mistake and that I was hurting everyone with my actions. What the actual fuck!? What type of mind manipulative guilt are you trying to play here? I’m not here for it. Am I doing anything illegal? Am I off physically hurting people with my actions? NO, they are hurting themselves because they have decided to think what they have been told to think with out actually researching it and finding out for themselves. I have nothing to do with it.

I’m so tired of them hitting me up all randomly when I’m finally living a good life. The cult has them really wound up into making them believe exactly what they want. My own mother doesn’t even bother me with this shit. She has accepted I’m not going back, why are they trying to ruin that?

They need to move on, just like I have. I already made my decision, and I’m fucking happy as hell with it.

Taking The Horse To The Water

Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.

My girlfriend had been acting weird all weekend. Well, not weird per say, different. Have you ever been so close to someone that you even know what tone of voice they text in? That you pick up real quick when they aren’t texting how they usually text. Well, yeah, her tone in voice changed while we messaged each other over the weekend. I really didn’t know what was going on until she told me she needed to talk to me.

At first it was pretty normal. Ok, not normal. She said she felt alone. I tried to understand her since she did move into a new place away from her family all on her own. I have been going over almost every single day after she was off work, if we didn’t see each other then we would go out to eat. So I was trying to understand why she felt that way. But that wasn’t the actual reason as to why she was feeling that way.

There was a get together for her church (Jehovah Witness) on Saturday. One of the members is moving and they made her a little going away party. I knew about it since my mom went also. I was invited to go by my GF because she said that it wasn’t religion related and she knows I don’t want any part of it. But still. everyone there formed part of the religion I didn’t want to be part of, not to mention all the question I would get since of my recent disappearance from that organization.

What was bothering her? She said she felt lonely there because I wasn’t there by her side. She explained to me how nice it would have been if we could have spent all that time together with everyone else. She said she didn’t want to be married and be at church by herself, that she didn’t want me to be sitting on the couch saying “take care” as she left for church every Sunday. Then I finally understood why she felt the way she felt.

I knew this was going to be an issue from the very beginning. Religion. God Dammit. For reals. Before we decided to get back together I specifically told her that I wasn’t gong to go back to the religion. I told her that I didn’t want any part of it, and if she still wanted to be with me than that was cool but she was the one that was going to suffer if she thought other wise.

I told her that she was allowed to feel that way. Her feelings are super valid, I’m not saying shes wrong. But she can not put the blame on me leading her on or thinking that by being with her I was going to go back. I also told her that if that’s the way she thought that this was not going to work out.

I can’t be the person she wants/needs me to be. She wants someone to pray with her, she wants someone to be as spiritual and close to God as her, but that is not me. I told her that, that person is gone. He was never real, and being that person hurt me so much. I feel so good right now. I have no reason to go back. Why would I go back to a place where all I felt was pressure and manipulation, not to mention how used I always felt.

I was very transparent when we first talked about getting back together. I really like her. Aside from being super religious shes one of the most humble, noble, and beautiful girls I have ever met. Of course I want to be with her. But I also want her to be happy, and if I can’t provide what she is looking for then she has to suffer a minor heartbreak now so then later in life she can find some one who can give her what she really wants.

Because there is no way I am going back to that religion. I know that I change my mind a lot, I know that I go back on a lot of things that I say. And maybe one day I will go back, who knows? But right now, at this moment, I can even say that for the rest of the year, I have no plans of going back.

In the end, after I told her all that I could, she said that she still wanted to be with me. But she was still going to nudge me to go back. That’s fair. If that’s what she wants to do that’s find. But like I told her, you can’t make anyone believe anything you believe if they don’t want to believe it.

You can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink. Shit, you can fucking bring the water to the horse, you still can’t make him drink.

I Grew Up In A Cult

Picture yourself as a little kid. What is the best thing about being a kid? When you look back on your childhood what do you see? Do you see yourself having friends? Playing with them after school? Maybe you remember all your birthdays, or even the holidays when your family members would get together and enjoy the time spent with one another. Maybe back then all that you noticed was all the food on the table that you always longed for. If you didn’t get the chance to enjoy all of these things maybe you had a more simpler life, but you still had the freedom of being a kid.

I didn’t. I lost the opportunity of having the childhood I always wanted.

I never got the chance to celebrate Christmas, Halloween, or any other holiday. I never even had a birthday party. I barley had any friends. All this only because I was in a ‘religion’ but actually, it was in a Cult.

When I was a kid at school I loved being part of the festivities. They seemed fun and exciting and everyone was having fun. I tried my best to fit in. But as soon as I would get home all that had to stop. I lived a double life for most of my life. In school I was someone and at home I was the best Christian anyone could ever meet.

My mother has been a Jehovah Witness ever since I remember. I think she has always been, even before I was born. She still is one today. I grew up as one and I can say that it really fucked me up. I love my mother and I know all she wants for me is the best. The thing about cults is that some times you don’t even know you are in one. I actually never saw it as a cult and I was mad at God for it for so long, but now I see a lot better.

People think that cults are defined by being organizations that only cause external harm, they do riots, or they just represent nothing but evil. But that’s all wrong. I have been doing a lot of investigation on cults lately for my own good.

Cults are any organization that teaches their members to devote or even give their own life for that organization. They will manipulate their members into thinking they are doing good when in fact the organization has other plans in place. They will instill fear and guilt into their members to keep them inside and keep them doing all the rules that they themselves have set up.

In the JW world you can not be friends with anyone that is outside of the religion. Their thinking is, why would you be friends with someone who doesn’t believe the same things as you? Or, why would you be friends with a person who does not live their life the way you do? But in fact, what they are doing is keeping their members isolated from the rest of the world, this keeps them “in side”.

Another thing that identifies them as a cult is the fact that they have the policy of shunning. A lot of other religions and cults have this rule. It is not biblical. I have heard a lot about the text in the bible that says you are not supposed to sit with men who fornicate or do what’s wrong. Yes, I understand that. People make mistakes, but didn’t Jesus sit with them when he first started preaching? (Sorry to get all biblical). But he wanted to help them. How does one help someone when they are shunned? It only causes so much physiological damage.

A little more into the shunning, because it is a big deal. Imagine all of your family members are in this religion with you and you decide that maybe it just inst right for you. If you decide to leave, you better be aware that when and if you do, everyone that you love and all of your family members that are in this so called religion will stop communication with you. If they see you in the street at the store or even at a gas station they will go out of their way to leave as fast as they can. Because you are now considered an obscenity. If you need help, you wont get it. They will not answer your calls, they will not let you in their homes any more. You are dead to them. That is what they do. That is what they are told to do.

I ask, why? For the sole purpose of getting you back to the religion? They want you to feel so left out. They want you to feel like you don’t have anyone on your side. They want to make you feel alone, left for dead. They want you to feel like everything was taken away from you for not being part of the religion. All this in hopes that you will go back.

I’m sorry, I thought that religion consisted of a person loving God and wanting to get closer to Him, or wanted to be saved. That’s what I think religion is. So what does this sound like? A Cult. This is a form of manipulation. Oh, you want to leave the religion? Ok, make sure that you really want to because you will never get to see your family or friends again. People have committed suicide because of this! They have taken their own lives because they had everything taken away from them because an organization took their family members away only because they didn’t want to be part of that Cult anymore.

They don’t believe in education. They think it is a waste of time. If someone wants to go to college or university they look down upon you and say that you are being greedy and not giving your all to God. I read somewhere that what they really don’t want is for you to do is open your eyes, because while being in school you might figure out that you are in a cult. Plus, you will be surrounded by classmates that may persuade you to leave the organization, or worse, they might want to be your friend.

The funny thing is that they always insist on donating money as much as you can. How can someone possibly have a good living and still donate to a church like this? They make people feel guilty when they don’t donate money. They always bring up that old lady in the bible who donated all she had. There is a famous you tube video on one of the leaders of JW advising little kids that their “ice cream” money is better off being donated to the organization, and if they actually want to please God they will give their money to them. That takes, taking candy from a baby, to a whole new level right?

If its a religion why do they need so much money? Well, its for all the lawsuits they have going on over child sex abuse. Millions and millions of dollars are being paid out to these family members who are finally getting justice.

Why did they sue? Let me explain because it gets dicey. In this religion, when you have an issue, what ever it may be, you have to speak to the elders. Let me give an example, and in no way do I want to undermined child sex abuse because it is a big thing but this is only for the purpose that you understand.

Lets say I’m hanging out with a good friend, but this friend starts insulting me and saying things that aren’t true about me and other people and it starts to become offensive and cruel. I am mad and I tell the elders in the church (because in the church you are instructed that when you have an issue with someone you have to talk it out with the elders). I meet with two of them. They are very understanding and comforting. They hear me out. But in the end they ask one dumb question. Was there another person there who saw this? Why do they ask this? Because they have a “two people rule”. If something wrongfully was done to someone and that someone stands up and says something but does not have a second witness they will dismiss it. They wont even acknowledge it. SO because no one else heard this friend of mine say those things then that means that it didn’t happen and it just means that I was out to get him in trouble. Then there is a pin on me because I made a “false” accusation towards a fellow brother. Specially if he has a special role in church like a Servant or an Elder. They are going to believe them more.

That is what is happening all around the world in these congregations. In this Religion. Kids are coming forward and talking to these so called elders and they don’t do anything because of their stupid rules.

The elders are not allowed to call the police. They are instructed not to by the organization. They can not get involved with the law, they can only take care of “their own flock”.

One more thing before I go. If you are in this Cult and you have questions about it. You can do your research and investigations, but you can only use JW publications or only articles published by The Watchtower, which is part of JW. You can not go online and look for any outside information about the JW world. Why? They are scared you might find the actual truth. If they claim to have the truth why are they so scared to let their members just prove themselves wrong? Its exactly when your parents say, “because I said so.” Hmm, that’s not really convincing isn’t it?

I know I might have not even made any sense in this post with all the information I gave, but if you decide to take anything away from this, it is that you should be careful to what you are a part of. I’m not saying just the Jehovah Witness organization, I mean in all aspects. Research before you join something. Make sure that you get your sources from many different sources not just one, not just the one that they tell you too. Get opinions, ask around. Always get all the sides of the story, as many sides as you can.

And most importantly.

Be careful.

Aftermath

It’s going to be a week tomorrow since I left my old religion. What do I call it? Ex religion? Old religion? Not sure, but I left it. I’m not going to sit her and tell you that’s it’s been nothing but butterflies and rainbows. It hasn’t. It’s been a struggle. But I am glad to say that even though each day was hard, the next was easier to handle than the day before.

My ex texted me and I decided to be truthful to her and tell her what was going on. She said it was ok for me to feel this way and no one was forced to be in the religion (oh sure). My ‘used to be’ best friend (yikes), also texted me. He asked what was going on and I didn’t think twice when I told him. Well actually I’d did. I was hurt, I wasn’t going to reply. But, the therapist in my head told me that I needed to get what I was feeling out, and plus he deserved to know as well.

He said he really cared about me, funny how his actions don’t comply. I haven’t heard from him ever since.

An elder texted me as well. I actually expect way more calls and texts form not only him but firm other elders and servants form the congregation. he said they had been missing me at the gatherings and church meetings. I didn’t even reply. I know that my mother is still going and I don’t want to make a mess out of this for her.

Speaking of my mom. She’s been handling it a lot better now. At first she was sad, constantly. But now she’s improving. I tell her I love her every chance I get. Because I do. I hug her like never before. And I don’t want her to think I do things to hurt her because that’s not the case, she never hurt me.

At work I told some coworkers and they were honestly more than happy for me. Some didn’t know that I wanted to leave and others did. They have been a great support system honestly, along with my non religious friends.

There was one religious guy that would always try to debate with me at work. And for the matter of appearances, I would defend my past so called beliefs. Today he tried to do the same, so I had to come out, unreligousely.

I told him I’m no longer with my church. He looked shocked. Almost as if I had slapped him across the face. He got emotional. I told him, “look, no disrespect but I don’t really care for religion right now, I need a break.”

Other than that it’s been a good transition. It’s actually been way easier than what I had anticipated. I just hope no one thinks I’m going back.

Now I start my new life. My new journey. It’s actually great. In a week I’ll be 25. In a month I’ll be losing my job but I don’t really mind. It’s a new opportunity. Plus, the summer has just begun. What will the rest of the year bring?

Crime Scene

I did it. I finally broke the chains and now I’m free. It feels so good, it feels like a sense of relief.

 

Yesterday, before I went out on my usual run at the park I decided that I would tell my mom what my plans were. What I told her wasn’t planned though. I was thinking of how I would let her know. At first I thought, maybe when she sees that I am not getting ready to go to church she would ask and I would just tell her. But, I love her. And I know her. I needed to give her time to digest this. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me it was.

I put on my running shoes and after filling up my water bottle I looked at her and told her that I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to let her know so she could digest it, not understand it, but respect it. She asked me what was going on, as a concerned mother will always do. I remember feeling evil. Like I was doing something bad, almost murder. I was killing someone. I was killing myself, the person she thought she knew was dying right in front of her.

Her response was not the one I was expecting. She said if I think there is something better out there than the religion we are currently in then I should go look for it, but I wasn’t going to find it. She was calm. I was shaking. She also told me to read our magazines and our literature and that would help me see that this is in fact the one and only true religion. She started rambling and repeating herself, not screaming or yelling though, but I still just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from the crime scene.

Through out the whole night while I was out running, she would send me articles published by Jehovah Witness. I appreciate how much she cares, she really does. She only wants the best for me and she thinks that she has found it in this religion. I don’t blame her and I didn’t tell her to stop, if this was going to help her feel better that was ok with me.

There was one final text that she sent that mad me cry after I’d been holding it in. Or maybe it was just the situation and everything else? She said, “you know I love you and I would never want to hurt you. If I did something that hurt you or offended you I’m sorry. I love you.”

My mom is a great person. I always hear stories of young people being total assholes to their parents just because they’re parents don’t agree with what they believe in. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you still, they do and very much. They just don’t agree with what you believe and that’s ok, we don’t all have to be the same mechanical robots.

I told her that she has never hurt me, and that’s possibly the most accurate sentence I have ever spoken. I love my mom and I always will.

Today, I woke up and she didn’t attack me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even mention church. All she did was get ready. She asked my brother if he was going and he got ready and went. She went up to my bed when she saw I was awake and it was like I was five years old again. She sat on the corner of my bed and she talked to me. Like her son. Nothing really important, just random things about her chickens and one of her friends having a cat.

I couldn’t have asked for a better moment. It was nice. There still a little bit of doubt in me if I am honest. Am I actually doing the correct thing? What if she is right and this is the Truth? But at the same time I feel so great, free, liberated.

 

Why is that?

 

I’m Not Going Back To Church

Yesterday I had the worst head ache I think known to man. I was thinking about so many things. Work, love, life, friends, and religion.

Let us start with religion. My life has always revolved around it. Every single thing I would do I had to think if it was appropriate for me to do and if it would make others mad or upset them. (Others as in the people in my religion). I never actually asked my self if God would be mad, isn’t that funny?

With that being said, I have been living that way for way too long. I didn’t know I was walking on this path that I am now, but as I look at the months that have passed I see how I took the right turns to get to where I am.

Let me explain. I am not happy. Why? Religion. I liked some parts of it. But others I couldn’t. I am in a religion that does not and will not just only take half of you or part of you. I remember someone at church saying, “your either fully committed here or your on the out side and you’re on of our enemies.”

That’s a great thing to say to someone who’s confused right? I have been messed up so bad because of it. All this time I have lost because I was someone I didn’t want to be to please others. Just because I say that doesn’t mean I regret it. No, I love my mom and I am happy I gave her a little of what she wanted me to be. I don’t care what anyone says.

But the time is now. I’m not sure if its the time, my supportive friends, the new guy I’m talking to, the church using me, Taylor’s new song (have you heard?), or something else. It’s time to make ME happy.

As you all have known, Jehovah Witness are known to go knocking on peoples doors almost every day. Yes, I was one of them. I stopped doing that back in March. It took courage to stop, believe me. Its not something you can just stop doing, no. You will get harassed by the ‘Elders’ of the congregation, or even other members. You will get calls, text messages. They will go to your home and read you bible texts and give you reasons on why you need to do as they say you have to. If you tell them you’re not home or they can’t reach you, they will hunt you down at church and ask you to stay so they can “give you advice” but its only them just criticizing you for not doing what they expect from you. So yes, it was hard.

Nonetheless, I stopped going and after taking the harassment they laid off for a bit. I still went to church twice a week like I have always done. Out of respect for my mom. There is something I believe in, but I’m not sure if I have found it yet.

That was step one. Step two was to dissociate with my church friends. Do I miss them? Sure, from time to time, they are humans after all and we did have history and good times together. But I have just recently learned that I can not be friends with someone who will not take me as I am, I’m done changing for people. I am myself. At first they were worried, I understand. But now? Where are the worried texts and the missed calls? Have they just forgotten so easily? I hope that is the case.

The step that I am now on is not going to church at all. That’s right. I’m not going to go anymore. Why should I? I don’t have a good time there, no one talks to me. As soon as its over I get up and leave as fast as I can. You tell me if that’s what church is supposed to be like, and if it is by all means, you go.



 

I’m going to side tract now. I was talking to a friend yesterday about coming out. I know it will not be easy for me. I have this unusual great amount of love and respect for my mother. I know that she will always love me, I am her son after all. So why have I not yet came out?

Many reasons. I wont hold back I’ll tell you. One of them is knowing that my mom will never speak to me again. Not because she doesn’t want to, I know she loves me. But all Jehovah Witnesses are taught that when a person is no longer part of the ‘organization’ you have to go out of your way to not speak to them, you have to shun them out of your life completely as they do not exist anymore. If you are ever caught having communication with them you will be talked to and if done again, you will end up with the same type of treatment. And this is and I quote “to keep peace and cleanliness in the congregation. ”

I remember when I was little and one of my cousins got pregnant at the age of 16. Her family is also in the religion. She was kicked out of her own house and told to never come back for having sexual relations before marriage. No one was allowed to speak to her, she was only let back into everyone’s life when she spoke to the elders and told them that she regretted it all from the bottom of her heart.

The reason they do this is because their philosophy is that you will come back to the church after you realize you can’t live without your family in your life. It’s a total mind fuck. Manipulative to a whole new level. I know. Why do you think I an such a mess?

This story brings me to my other reason. The being kicked out. Where would I go? And now that I am soon to be unemployed? Who wants a damaged, poor, messed up 25 year old? If you know anyone who does let me know.

I know I have friends that will help me with what they can , but I don’t want to test a friendship like that.

The last reason is that I only have a work permit to be in this country.  I have been here since I was 2 years old. Did I chose to come here? No. I do not know any where else other than here. I don’t know why that is even a concern on this subject but it is. What will I do the day the government decides that they don’t want to keep renewing it ? What will be of me?

As the days go by, it is getting easier to breathe though. I am scared. I am terrified. But at least I am smiling for myself now, and not for others.