Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.

 

Jehovah Witnesses Are Harassing Me

I thought it was over. But of course why would it be? Cults will not leave anyone to rest in peace once they leave their “flock”.

I haven’t been to or seen anyone from church in about more than six months now. I have not gone door to door soliciting people to come and “join” the religion for longer than that. So, tell me why I get called by one of the higher ups in the church and get told if I have my “numbers”.

I then get another text from another one a few days later and he says that he wants the “progress report” for the past months from my family and mine. This is basically a paper a Jehovah Witness has to fill out each month on how many hours they spent knocking on doors, how many people they spoke to, and how many pamphlets they gave. I know it sounds crazy, what’s crazy is how they act like I haven’t been going for months and have the audacity and ask me for them out of the blue like I just took a little mini vacation and I’m on the way back.

After I was flooded with text messages and I didn’t respond, I was then harassed with phone calls. One after another, I had to block them them. I had enough, I don’t need them in my life anyways. Plus, there is no reason in me going back and forth with them telling them that I’m not going to go back because all they’ll try to do is “fix me”, as if I was broken, no I’m not, I just actually found out the Truth this time. When you don’t agree with their believes they classify you as “sick” or even “under Satan’s control”.

Days later I got a text from another person from church saying he wanted to hang out with me and some other “brothers” and asked when I was available. Instant block. Do they not get a hint?

I know I could just tell them, write a letter and officially leave them as an organization. (Yes organization, its not a religion, inside they even call it organization, I remember while being in there I would all the time). In doing so, I would lose my mother. Even though we live together I know she’d stop talking to me, she would only direct her word for anything that was absolutely necessary. That’s so fucked up and its the way that they have made her think it “pleases God” or its what he wants. I doubt God wants a mother to shun her own son.

Today I got a text from my ex’s mom. OUT OF ANYONE she had to text me. She said that I was making a mistake and that I was hurting everyone with my actions. What the actual fuck!? What type of mind manipulative guilt are you trying to play here? I’m not here for it. Am I doing anything illegal? Am I off physically hurting people with my actions? NO, they are hurting themselves because they have decided to think what they have been told to think with out actually researching it and finding out for themselves. I have nothing to do with it.

I’m so tired of them hitting me up all randomly when I’m finally living a good life. The cult has them really wound up into making them believe exactly what they want. My own mother doesn’t even bother me with this shit. She has accepted I’m not going back, why are they trying to ruin that?

They need to move on, just like I have. I already made my decision, and I’m fucking happy as hell with it.

I Want To Know The Actual Truth

steven-weinberg-quote-lbw3m7r

I saw this quote the other day. I was watching a YouTube video about what the difference between religion and and actually knowing God or Jesus was.

I have to take a moment to stop before I continue, I know that my blog has been centered around religion a lot lately. I didn’t mean for my blog to go into that type of direction, but I am glad that it has. I know I am not the only one out there that questions how religions all depict God and their form of worship. Plus, as rude as it may sound, I say this in the most respectful way that I can, this is my blog so I can write what ever I want. And this is the matter at hand that is going on in my life at the moment so I need to talk about it, for me. If it helps others, than I’m glad it did that’t great.

Any who, (that was long). But continuing on from before, I have been watching a lot of videos on religion. I’ve been doing a lot of research. I can’t seem to move on. I feel like I have been robbed of years of my life.

All my life I was in a religion I didn’t want to be in, but I was told it was the only way and the only Truth. Now, discovering that it is not in fact so, I will never be able to get those years back. I’m processing that still, and it may take some time and I think that’s ok. I have accepted that for myself.

The video that I saw was a guy explaining how he is Christian but yet he does not belong to any religion or any church. Religion was made by man, he stated. Which is true. I can go out there today and just start a new religion, call it what ever I want, and say that it’s the actual true religion. What I liked, or what really made me understand where he was coming from and I could relate with, because I have tried and proved this myself which is; religion is a form of changing and modifying your personality to the way the church or that religion wants you to be. You have to be someone that the church tells you to be if you want to remain part of it, and they back it up using Bible texts, but what does the Bible actually say?

What ever Bible you pick up you can find that this dude named Jesus said that all you had to do is to believe in him. All you had to do was be grateful that he gave His life for all of our sins. After this all religions start interpretation what the Bible says regarding every single aspect of life differently.

Why do I like the quote from above? Well, as it says, the good people will continue to be good, evil people will continue to be evil. What really gets me is the last line.

“For good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”

What does this mean? I’ll tell you what I was able to get from it. Religion is one of those things that “good people” do, but those good people will do “evil things” and anything that is necessary to protect their religion. Its true. Wars in the past only provide evidence of this. All these believers are willing to kill for land, they are willing to kill thousands of innocent people to keep or defend their religion, even when the Bible says that you are supposed to love your neighbor and not kill. Some religions even say that as long as its for their religion that it justifies their actions.

Not to mention all the people that go out and do hate crimes because they feel as if they are correct and need to do something about it. All because of religion. I’ve met people that do not belong to any church or organization, and they are way more better people than those that go to Sunday service. That doesn’t mean they don’t believe in God or something. They do, they’re just not part of any religion, they try to do their best in life, and most of the time they are so much less judgmental then the rest of those religious going to church all the time people.

No offense to the people that are good and respect everyone and do have a religion to believe in. But if you do have a religion you are willing to die for, why? Are you dying for that religion or for the God that you say you believe in? If that religion tells you to change something about yourself you will do it? What if they tell you that you have to do something that the Bible clearly doesn’t state, but they back up their authority with random texts and say that if you don’t obey its as if you are disobeying God himself.

I’m not saying that I have “found the light”. I’m still searching. I want to discover whats out there, I want to know the actual Truth. What if there is no God? What if it all is science? What if there is God, and there is a plan that in place for the human race? Who is right? Does God really care what religion you are? There are thousands of religions out there that revolve around the same thing, and they only differ on some of their teachings.

Why can’t you just be a good person, respect others, be kind and enjoy as much of life as you can?

Aren’t we all just humans?

I Grew Up In A Cult

Picture yourself as a little kid. What is the best thing about being a kid? When you look back on your childhood what do you see? Do you see yourself having friends? Playing with them after school? Maybe you remember all your birthdays, or even the holidays when your family members would get together and enjoy the time spent with one another. Maybe back then all that you noticed was all the food on the table that you always longed for. If you didn’t get the chance to enjoy all of these things maybe you had a more simpler life, but you still had the freedom of being a kid.

I didn’t. I lost the opportunity of having the childhood I always wanted.

I never got the chance to celebrate Christmas, Halloween, or any other holiday. I never even had a birthday party. I barley had any friends. All this only because I was in a ‘religion’ but actually, it was in a Cult.

When I was a kid at school I loved being part of the festivities. They seemed fun and exciting and everyone was having fun. I tried my best to fit in. But as soon as I would get home all that had to stop. I lived a double life for most of my life. In school I was someone and at home I was the best Christian anyone could ever meet.

My mother has been a Jehovah Witness ever since I remember. I think she has always been, even before I was born. She still is one today. I grew up as one and I can say that it really fucked me up. I love my mother and I know all she wants for me is the best. The thing about cults is that some times you don’t even know you are in one. I actually never saw it as a cult and I was mad at God for it for so long, but now I see a lot better.

People think that cults are defined by being organizations that only cause external harm, they do riots, or they just represent nothing but evil. But that’s all wrong. I have been doing a lot of investigation on cults lately for my own good.

Cults are any organization that teaches their members to devote or even give their own life for that organization. They will manipulate their members into thinking they are doing good when in fact the organization has other plans in place. They will instill fear and guilt into their members to keep them inside and keep them doing all the rules that they themselves have set up.

In the JW world you can not be friends with anyone that is outside of the religion. Their thinking is, why would you be friends with someone who doesn’t believe the same things as you? Or, why would you be friends with a person who does not live their life the way you do? But in fact, what they are doing is keeping their members isolated from the rest of the world, this keeps them “in side”.

Another thing that identifies them as a cult is the fact that they have the policy of shunning. A lot of other religions and cults have this rule. It is not biblical. I have heard a lot about the text in the bible that says you are not supposed to sit with men who fornicate or do what’s wrong. Yes, I understand that. People make mistakes, but didn’t Jesus sit with them when he first started preaching? (Sorry to get all biblical). But he wanted to help them. How does one help someone when they are shunned? It only causes so much physiological damage.

A little more into the shunning, because it is a big deal. Imagine all of your family members are in this religion with you and you decide that maybe it just inst right for you. If you decide to leave, you better be aware that when and if you do, everyone that you love and all of your family members that are in this so called religion will stop communication with you. If they see you in the street at the store or even at a gas station they will go out of their way to leave as fast as they can. Because you are now considered an obscenity. If you need help, you wont get it. They will not answer your calls, they will not let you in their homes any more. You are dead to them. That is what they do. That is what they are told to do.

I ask, why? For the sole purpose of getting you back to the religion? They want you to feel so left out. They want you to feel like you don’t have anyone on your side. They want to make you feel alone, left for dead. They want you to feel like everything was taken away from you for not being part of the religion. All this in hopes that you will go back.

I’m sorry, I thought that religion consisted of a person loving God and wanting to get closer to Him, or wanted to be saved. That’s what I think religion is. So what does this sound like? A Cult. This is a form of manipulation. Oh, you want to leave the religion? Ok, make sure that you really want to because you will never get to see your family or friends again. People have committed suicide because of this! They have taken their own lives because they had everything taken away from them because an organization took their family members away only because they didn’t want to be part of that Cult anymore.

They don’t believe in education. They think it is a waste of time. If someone wants to go to college or university they look down upon you and say that you are being greedy and not giving your all to God. I read somewhere that what they really don’t want is for you to do is open your eyes, because while being in school you might figure out that you are in a cult. Plus, you will be surrounded by classmates that may persuade you to leave the organization, or worse, they might want to be your friend.

The funny thing is that they always insist on donating money as much as you can. How can someone possibly have a good living and still donate to a church like this? They make people feel guilty when they don’t donate money. They always bring up that old lady in the bible who donated all she had. There is a famous you tube video on one of the leaders of JW advising little kids that their “ice cream” money is better off being donated to the organization, and if they actually want to please God they will give their money to them. That takes, taking candy from a baby, to a whole new level right?

If its a religion why do they need so much money? Well, its for all the lawsuits they have going on over child sex abuse. Millions and millions of dollars are being paid out to these family members who are finally getting justice.

Why did they sue? Let me explain because it gets dicey. In this religion, when you have an issue, what ever it may be, you have to speak to the elders. Let me give an example, and in no way do I want to undermined child sex abuse because it is a big thing but this is only for the purpose that you understand.

Lets say I’m hanging out with a good friend, but this friend starts insulting me and saying things that aren’t true about me and other people and it starts to become offensive and cruel. I am mad and I tell the elders in the church (because in the church you are instructed that when you have an issue with someone you have to talk it out with the elders). I meet with two of them. They are very understanding and comforting. They hear me out. But in the end they ask one dumb question. Was there another person there who saw this? Why do they ask this? Because they have a “two people rule”. If something wrongfully was done to someone and that someone stands up and says something but does not have a second witness they will dismiss it. They wont even acknowledge it. SO because no one else heard this friend of mine say those things then that means that it didn’t happen and it just means that I was out to get him in trouble. Then there is a pin on me because I made a “false” accusation towards a fellow brother. Specially if he has a special role in church like a Servant or an Elder. They are going to believe them more.

That is what is happening all around the world in these congregations. In this Religion. Kids are coming forward and talking to these so called elders and they don’t do anything because of their stupid rules.

The elders are not allowed to call the police. They are instructed not to by the organization. They can not get involved with the law, they can only take care of “their own flock”.

One more thing before I go. If you are in this Cult and you have questions about it. You can do your research and investigations, but you can only use JW publications or only articles published by The Watchtower, which is part of JW. You can not go online and look for any outside information about the JW world. Why? They are scared you might find the actual truth. If they claim to have the truth why are they so scared to let their members just prove themselves wrong? Its exactly when your parents say, “because I said so.” Hmm, that’s not really convincing isn’t it?

I know I might have not even made any sense in this post with all the information I gave, but if you decide to take anything away from this, it is that you should be careful to what you are a part of. I’m not saying just the Jehovah Witness organization, I mean in all aspects. Research before you join something. Make sure that you get your sources from many different sources not just one, not just the one that they tell you too. Get opinions, ask around. Always get all the sides of the story, as many sides as you can.

And most importantly.

Be careful.

The Mental Are Flaky

I did it. I saved the friendship, once again. I hate saying it like that because it makes me sound as if I think I’m all that, and I’m not, I’m just stating the facts. Ok, now that definitely made me sound full of myself.

I texted my best friend yesterday morning. I asked him if things were just going to stay like this. Giving each other the silent treatment and only speaking indirectly to each other. I wanted to know because honesty, at the point of my life that I am at right now, I don’t have time or energy to be playing this high school frenemies BS. If we’re just not gonna get passed this then let me know so I can move on with my life, you know what I mean? If we are, then, we are. That’s that.


I went to church last night. I know I’ve been moody and under the weather lately, and more and more people have picked up on it more than ever. They say that they are worried and part of me wants to believe them. At the end of the day they know me and I want to believe that they care.

An Elder of the congregation pulled me aside last night and asked if he and another Elder could have a talk with me. I already knew what was coming. I’ve been through these talks so many times. I already knew word for word what they were going to say.

I fluctuate heavily with my spirituality. I can go one day from being best friends with God and the next to being the cup bearer of Satan. That’s just the way it is sometimes. I can’t help it. And I told them that, not in that exact way. But they got the picture. They told me it wasn’t normal. I told them to check my track record, surely they’d see it. Either way, they told me what I already knew.

Although, let me just rant on here for a sec ok? Ok. Well, he did say that Sunday when I didn’t go, I was assigned “sound”. (Yes, if your baptized you have what they call “privileges”. You are assigned these tasks that you have to do around the church. They change periodically). Since I didn’t go, and allegedly, the main guy didn’t go either, the whole thing started 3 minutes late. Ok sue me. Big deal.

The thing that bothers me is this; telling someone that they were to blame for something not happening when they were not ok mentally. Sure yesterday I was crawling out of the black hole I’d fallen into, but what if I still was in it?

I’m sorry SIIIIIIR, let me put my mental freaking issues aside so you all can carry on with your service, because there’s no one left on this earth who can possibly click ONE FREAKING GOD DAMM BUTTON to turn ON a freaking mic, forgive me for being sooooo problematic and irresponsible.

Glad that’s out there.

Oh, don’t even get me started. (My mind just did the fasted U- turn right now you don’t even know). This dude (the Elder) texted me Sunday saying they’re worried and blah blah ect ect right? I told him sure I’m fine. Then he said he’s glad or whatever, then he asked me if I was going to go to yesterday. I thought, oh wow that’s cool he does want me to be there that’s nice. So I get there yesterday (I know it sounds grammatically incorrect but stick with me here), and I walk in and another Elder tells me I will be reading out of a book (it’s for a book study we do every week, some new guy reads weekly), it was my turn apparently.

So then I thought. OHHHHHH you son of a witch. He was covering his butt. I’m assuming he thought I wasn’t going so he would have to look for a replacement since he knew it was my turn to read. God knows the mental are flaky. But I digress.

Things are changing now. But it’s different this time. I can’t explain it. But eh.