Downhill

Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

In my head this whole unemployment, going back to school, and not having a job thing was going to be easy. Or, well, not easy, but not this challenging either.

I don’t know if its just me. But, have you ever woken up from a nap and felt this inner hatred for yourself? What’s that about? I felt that yesterday. It was weird and thank goodness it wore off before I headed over to my girlfriends place.

That feeling came back today though. I didn’t open the door for it. I didn’t invite it in. It just walked through the walls and into my brain.

I have been stressed. Lets be honest. The whole vacation was a nice distraction from everything that is going on in my life.

First, lets start with what happened last night. At my GF’s place we talked about the future. Then she told me that she would like it for me to go to the meetings (church gatherings) at least once in a while. I told her how I felt about it all. She told me that she didn’t want to pressure me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do, she just wanted to let me know how she felt. I appreciate her sincerity.

There is a part of me that wants to go back. Just to see how I will be received. Another part of me wants to go to make her happy, to make my mom happy, but then again that is one of the reasons I left. I don’t like some of their rules, but I ask myself this, do I actually have to follow them if I don’t want to?

I was talking to myself the other day and I told myself that if I ever did decide to go back (because we all know how indecisive I am), that I would not be the person that I used to be. Devoted? We don’t know Him. I have learned that by pleasing others, you will not gain happiness or even approval. Everyone talks. Some of them don’t even know what they are saying, they just talk. Will I go back? Question is pending an answer.

Today I started looking for schools. I don’t want to go to a four year school. I don’t. Its too much time and I don’t have a lot of that. I never liked colleges or universities. So I started to look at trade schools or vocational schools. Everything is expensive no matter what. Weather its a four year or just a trade. Funny how they tell you to go to school and they die saying that education is one of the best things you can reach for, but yet they make it unbelievably expensive.

I went to a tour of one of the schools I was able to schedule today. I want to elaborate on how it went but at the same time I don’t want to sound so pathetic. Half way through the assessment I was taking, I got up and left. Why? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I was so mad. Mad at what? Let me find a good excuse because I don’t have a reason.

I felt so much pressure in my head, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry that ugly cry with tears and boogers running down your cheeks and chin. But I didn’t.  I held it in like the big boy that I am supposed to be. I felt an overwhelming rush of emotions though. So many that I didn’t know which one I was supposed to listen to.

Why? Why? Why? I don’t understand why I get like this sometimes and it bugs the shit out of me.

I feel like finding the saddest playlist of music and just crying my eyes our. Is that therapeutic? Better out than in Shrek always says, right?

What I got for unemployment is total trash. I’m trying to find a school that will take me in as soon as I can. At the same time I don’t want to be around anyone. My GF wants me to be in the religion the same as hers. Everything is stressing me out right now. I’m so irritable. I have a trip planned in two weeks that I have been dying to go to this whole summer, and I don’t even think I’ll make it to that. Not to even mention that my mom has another upcoming surgery in September.

I saw this coming. I always do.

You can always see when you’re going down hill. Right now I’m at the very top looking down, and its looking like its pretty steep.

A Better Beginning

A week from today I will be unemployed.

I’m excited. I know someone who’s losing a job usually freaks out, but ever since I knew it was coming I really sat down to think about it.

Maybe I’m in a state of shock? Who knows. I feel fine. I feel good. If my job was a place I would enjoy going to then maybe I’d be more preoccupied in not leaving or getting laid off.

This week my employer notified the unemployment offices about the mass lay off. They came in and had some few presentations that were very helpful.

At the end of the day, with all this new information, and from what I had previously wanted and thought about, I came to a conclusion. Going back to school.

I’ll have an income, thanks to the unemployment. It won’t be much but I’ll manage. And there are many forms of help I can receive for schooling. Not sure what I want to do at the moment, but I do know that this is the time I can do it.

I can’t waste my time sitting at home or jumping right into the next job. This is a great opportunity. That’s why I’m not scared. That’s why I don’t mourn this loss. Because it isn’t one. It’s an ending yes. But an ending that leads to another beginning. A better beginning.

45 And Counting

Seeing as I am now 45 days close to not having a job, searching for a new one has become a top priority. I am not looking forward to being unemployed and collecting unemployment. Sure I hate my job, that doesn’t mean I want to stay home and work the government. Some of my coworkers are thrilled to do so and can’t wait. That annoys the heck out of me.

I received a call last week for an interview, I went and it actually turned out to go very well. It was for a delivery driving position. Something I have not yet jumped into. The manager who interview me asked if I wanted to tag along with one of the drivers and see if it was a good option for me.

I thought it was a great opportunity. What other job asks you to come in and just basically watch what they do and see if you like it? Not many. The job seemed fairly well, as the manager described it. But this way I would be seeing it and hearing it form the horses mouth.

Today was the day of the ‘ride along’ as he called it. The driver that I shadowed was very friendly but at the same time very straight forward. This is what I needed. I didn’t need someone to sell me the job again and tell me lies. I also didn’t need someone to bash on their own job and make it seem like it was a hell hole. He explained the cons and the pros and paved the way for me to decide what I would do.

The job itself is not bad. It’s honest, and technically, I would be making the same amount of money that I make now. The downfall? I would be driving a lot more. I would be getting up a lot earlier and I would be getting home a lot later as well. For someone who loves to drive, this is hard for me because driving a car is not the same as driving a 20 foot truck, in the middle of the summer , to one of the hottest valleys in the desert. Like I said, I love driving, I believe that this job would make me start to hate it.

Am I upset? No. I know there will be jobs that appear to be great. I may not like them. That’s why I have all this time to decide which job I choose. I want to be 100% sure I want the job I will get. For some reason that feeling wasn’t there for this job.

I have faith though. I will get a nice job that I like. I’m not looking for the pay as much as I’m looking for the environment and feel of it. I want to be happy. That’s my goal for the rest of the year. Doing me, getting happy.

W.A.R.N.

I . . . didn’t go to work today. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I know I sound like a broken record. But, this time it wasn’t because of my anxiety or because I literally hate everyone at work. No, this time it was different. There is actual justification. Well, not that anxiety isn’t justification, but you know what I mean, well you don’t, but you will.

My job has yet to let anyone know who will be staying and who will be kicked out do to the downsizing. There was a note posted from headquarters, which if you actually pay attention to, it can give you valuable information. The letter said the basic info that we all already knew. The cut backs, the business move to the east coast and all that other formal stuff. But, it also said when people would be let go.

It said that the “terminations” would take place during July 22nd to August 22nd. Since the law in California states that your employer has to give you a 60 day notice before termination, one can conclude that the WARN letters will be handed out this week, starting the 22nd.

Last week they were asking everyone what they wanted to do. Be put on the list to possibly stay or be put on the list to be laid off. I chose to be laid off. At least I hope I am. Who knows how much longer the company will last even when the downsize happens. Plus this is a great way to get references and recommendations, plus help with my resume. (They said they would provide it , so I hope they do).

Since then, work has gotten slower and slower. I think that its going to be like this until the place comes down. You know its funny, I was telling a friend, (this might sound morbid, so cover your virgin little ears if you don’t want to hear) but, all those times that you wish your job would come down in flames? (Or was it just me?). This is like that. Not literal of course, but in a way its symbolic, at least for me it is.

Anyway, I got sent home early on Friday because of the lack of work. When I was home my boss texted me and asked if I wanted to stay home for Monday since there was still not going to be any work. I’ve never texted anyone faster in my life when I told her that I would love to stay home. Sucks that I have to go back now though.

So, that’s why I didn’t go to work today. I know, very long unnecessary explanation but I felt the need to elaborate a little. I could have just said that my boss asked if I wanted the day off, but then again, there would be no post, would there? *wink*

Severance

Yesterday, along with all my coworkers, we found out that the company we work for is going to downsize more than half of the employees. We are currently staffed at 150 and they’re goal is to get down to 60 by July. That does not include management, which there are 15 and will go down to 3.

They explained that the company moved to the west coast here in California a while ago to supply the demands of customers here. They thought that by having the business closer to them they would profit and all. That did no work out. So they are moving back to the east coast where headquarters is currently at. There will only be one account left here in California, and the 60 people that remain will be supplying that accounts product.

There are so many questions that people have. They are concerned. I feel them. They have families, car payments, houses they just bought. But I am not that worried. I want to leave that place. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know how much I hate it there. And looking back at it now it all makes sense. The cut backs, the high demand in production, and the excessive firing for dumb stupid reasons.

There will be a pay out. Only a month’s worth, but still, some people are happy about that. Some people can’t wait to collect unemployment. Others, they actually want to be part of the 60 that stay. Nothing is certain. No one knows how they will be electing the people. No one knows when they will start issuing the WARN letters. Technically after they hand you that letter, 60 days from that day will be your last.

I have not heard anything from the job I interviewed at. I was worried before, but now I know that if it was meant to be it would have been. I know I have to keep trying and trying until something comes up. I do not believe in unemployment. Living off the government is not something I am ok with. I know I hate working, but everything I have I have worked for it, I am not one to get things handed to, I don’t do that.

 

But deep down inside. Some where deep deep in there, there is doubt, there is worry, and I fear when it will rise, because when it does. It’s not going to be pretty.


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