Homophobic Vegas

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Do people still say that? Or do things just happen everywhere now?

Anyways let me get straight to the point here, I went to Las Vegas. What did I experience? a lot of homophobia. Maybe I didn’t notice before how people actually are but in Vegas? Out of all the places in the world that would be the last place I would expect it.

I went with my boyfriend and his friend out to eat at this sky thing that’s… in the sky. I’m pretty sure you know it if you have ever been to Vegas before. I want to make it very clear that every single moment spent with my boyfriend was like a fairy tale and I have no complaint. We were having a good time. Soon later the couple that sat next to us really gave us ‘the stare’.

Soon they waved the waitress over and whispered something in her ear, and then they moved to the table that was the farthest away from us, not even five minutes after they had been seated. I know I should give them the benefit of the doubt and think that they just didn’t like the location that they were seated at. But the way they looked at us was alarming.

That didn’t stop me from holding my boyfriends hand in public, even though I did notice he was sort of tense. We talked about it once we had come home the next day. Even walking on the streets people didn’t seem that too open about it either. But that’s all I’ll say about that.

In all, I had a great time. I actually had the time of my life. I can’t remember the last time I was that happy. Which brings me to my next sappy point, I think I’m really falling for this guy.

Last night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about him and I started laughing, I started giggling like a little boy in preschool. I looked like a dork. I don’t know why. I was grinning I was feeling all warm inside. And all I wanted to do was be with him. I didn’t get to see him yesterday but granted I did get to spend four whole days with him. I don’t get to see him again until the weekend and it can’t come soon enough.

The Reality

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most, the person you’ve known all your life, the person you thought would always love you unconditionally tells you that you are a disappointment. I can’t describe the hurt, the feelings, the thoughts that went through my head as this happened. It’s not something anyone asks for, its not something anyone wants or craves, and its not anything anyone should ever have to go through.

I know how religious my mother is, I know that she would give her life away for her church if they suddenly they said that the bible said somewhere that they had to die for God. I know all this. I know that one day I will lose her to them. I know that one day she will never speak to me any more. She will cut me out of her life completely. I know all this, but that doesn’t take any of the hurt that I feel inside away.

As we headed to the store I informed her that I would be going to Vegas with some friends this weekend. (Back story: My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friends’ birthday party and wanted me to so he invited me to go along with him).

At first when I told my mom she took it rather well. She said that my life is my life and she has no control over it and I can do what ever I think is best, she said I should just be very careful. If she would have stopped there then maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower later in the day.

She continued with the whole God wants us to be pure and clean and saint thing. She said how disappointed she is that I have changed so much and how I was such a nice young man before (so I guess now I’m just as bad as a criminal). She said the life that I am choosing to live is not the right one. She told me that one day I will be judged for everything that I am doing and that I will be punished for it. I feel that she knows that I am gay or some thing because she even through out “you have to be careful with the homosexuals specially right now because they’re really ‘in‘ and you know how God feels about them”. She said something about drinking and tattoos too.

I kept a straight face. There was no point in trying to defend myself. She wont listen. She wont understand. The worst part was at the end when she said that if I were to sin against God that things between us would never be the same. I think that broke me the most. She was basically indirectly telling me that she was going to cut me out of her life if I were to “sin” in any way against God. Which, like I have said before, I know.

It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality.

I don’t want this to effect me. I am really doing well right now. In school, the new relationship that I am in, and then not to mention how much progress I have accomplished with my mental health. To any sane person, they would say I am doing more than well.

I’m going to brush this off and move along. What happens happens, I will be ok. Life will move on and I have to live mine and do what makes me happy. And going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his friends this weekend really hella makes me happy.

 

Falling

How was your weekend? I hope it was great, and if it wasn’t I hope the next one is better.

This weekend I spent it with the guy I’m currently talking to. I decided to focus on him and only talk to him. We aren’t anything yet, just dating and talking to try to see where this goes. I don’t know if he’s talking to anyone else, but I have a strong feeling he’s not. I deleted all my dating apps last week. I only had them for about ten days.

I can only see him on weekends since he works during the week and he works a late shift, which kind of sucks but I get it. He asked if I wanted to got to a friends birthday party. I thought this was really soon to start meeting his friends and some of his family. But I decided to go, I really like him and I wanted to spend time with him.

The party was great, his friends were super nice and down to earth. One of his sisters that I met was also super nice. I loved every minute of it. I had a great time and the party was hella fun. I was super nervous to go at the beginning but I’m so glad I put myself out there instead of backing out like I always do.

Yesterday (Sunday), we went to Santa Monica. We walked the pier and then sat at the edge on a bench and talked while the sun came down. It was so relaxing and time seemed to stop. It felt like the world around us was moving at fast pace and we were just there in the moment. I know it sounds like the total opposite of each other but that’s how I felt about it.

Then we walked the shore for a bit and sat down and talked some more. We talked about our past and what we want for our future. He said he wants to take it slow with us because he doesn’t want to screw this up. I swear my  heart melted when he said this. He told me that he really likes me, I told him that too.

It’s nice to finally find some one who wants the same thing I want. To have all the things in common that we do, and the things that we don’t, and still get along. The vibe that we have is amazing, we can talk for hours, sure we are just getting to know each other but there’s nothing like good chemistry.

I’m scared now, scared of losing him. Scared of falling for him and then him leaving. Scared of starting something that I think I have been waiting for for so long and then it being carried away by the wind. Will this be the beginning to the ending I’ve always wanted? Is this actually something that can blossom into something beautiful?

He’s going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with his best friend, he sounded super excited when he was telling me about it. I was surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with them. Of course my answer was yes.

I’m happy. I like the place that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally.in right now. I wish and hope it stays that way.

Every Single Dark Thing 

             I did it. I finally told my friends what was going on. From my moms cancer to my work/immigration related problems. I felt guilty. That I was blocking them out. That I wasn’t talking to them. And maybe deep down I thought that they could help me. In a way. So I wrote a very long letter. 

             I explained everything. How it all started, how I felt, how I feel they should have tried harder to talk to me. Every single dark thing I was feeling. I wrote it down. Then sent it through group chat. It was very relieving. But at the same time I was scared to death. 

             But all of this was because of Moneque. I saw her today before she leaves for Alaska. She just came back from a rave in Vegas. She’s everywhere. And somehow we are supper close, yet not best friends. You know that person who you don’t see very often, yet you have this unspoken connection and will bare all too? Yeah her. 

             I told her  everything and she listened. She told me that I should just tell them also. What else did I have to lose? I was slowly losing them anyway. And they were slowly losing me. 

             So now I’m waiting for a response. What will they say? Will they blame me? Will they apologize for not trying hard enough? For not asking what was going on? Or will they ignore me just as I had ignored them?