Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.
She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.
She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.
That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.
I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.
And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.
I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.
Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.
I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.
So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.
I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.
I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.
So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.
But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.
The next day he messaged me;
“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.
We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?
What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.