I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

A First

 

Today marks a first for me. My mother left home about two hours ago. Every so often about three times a year Jehovah Witnesses from different congregations gather for a whole day and listen to many many speeches allegedly about the Bible.

Today is the first time in all my twenty five years of living that I will not be attending. It feels good. I thought I was going to have an empty feeling. Or a sense of sadness. But I feel fine. I don’t feel bad about it. I know that she has to be there on her own, and most likely people will ask her where her kids are at. But even though that may be true, I can’t be there.

The last time I went I was out of the religion, but I decided to go for her, again, and it was about three months ago. I was only in the religion for her. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve ever said that, I’d be rich). I had to stop doing that, I had to start living my own life.

I thought that she was going to try to invite me or urge me to go, but she didn’t. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I wont be going back. I respect that from her. I don’t get on her about her religious stuff and she doesn’t tell me anything about me living my life.

I’ve been spending all my weekends with my boyfriend for more than a month now. She hasn’t asked me about it. I’m assuming she must know I’m seeing someone, before this I would spend my weekends in bed watching Netflix. Now my weekends are more exciting.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I feel like I haven’t talked about him in a while. But that’s just me, if I don’t talk about him in five minutes I feel like its been days. We’re doing great, in case anyone cared.

I’m off to spend the weekend with him. I hope everyone else has a great weekend as well.

 

This Is Life

Just when I think life is going great, it likes to remind me that it still has a sense of humor. What would we be with out a little help from life when we feel like we are on cloud nine?

So, in my last post I said how I felt everything was (is) going great in my life right now. I don’t think that I am at my prime, but I am very content with how things are going. Friday though, I got a little reminder that this life is no fairly tale.

I was going to pay my bills when I noticed I didn’t have any money. Yikes, I know. Money, money, money, don’t you just hate it? Without it you can nearly not do anything. It doesn’t buy happiness but it sure does pay the bills, am I right?

Well, turns out they stopped my Unemployment benefits for about a month. I don’t know why, and I don’t even remember getting a notice saying they were going to do so, that’s the government for you.

Anyways I reopened my claim. I have a feeling it was probably something I did or didn’t do. I did get a notice that I didn’t have to be reporting that I was looking for work anymore because I was going to school but I most likely still needed at least one more week of reporting before that took in effect. I hope that’s the case and this gets resolved as fast as it can be. In the end if it doesn’t I’ll just have to look for a part time job.

I am very proud of how I’m handling this situation. The old me would have freaked out, possibly had a minor anxiety attack. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay for gas to go to school? Social life? All these things did pop up in my head. But this time I sat myself down and thought, this isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have money, you’re not dying. Looking back at my past experiences and seeing how I was so worried and in most cases nothing really happened, I really saved myself the worry this time.

The thing about looking at a problem is not worrying about it, of course, you’re not going to just brush it off your shoulder like it doesn’t mean anything, no. What I mean is that you are going to look past it and find a solution. That’s what I did. I reopened my claim. If that doesn’t work then I’ll get a part time job.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of worry and anxiety. I want to get up, look up, and be strong and move on from whatever problem I face. Because this is life, and there are going to be tons of problems, its how I see them and over come them that makes life great.

Personal Growth

I have been really proud of myself lately.

If you don’t like to listen to people brag about themselves then you might want to click off because today I’m bragging, and I’m going to do a lot of it because I have not been this proud of myself in maybe years.

If you have been catching up with the hot mess we are willing to call my life, you know that its one hell of a crazy ride. I have my ups and downs and my mental break downs, it’s all fun though…

This year has been the most, by far, the most craziest. But I’m glad it had all happened. You know, things happen for a reason and I truly believe that. I feel that everything I have been through has led me to where I am at today, and maybe if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t be here. And I like this new found place.

First, the whole religion thing. Sure, I could have left a long time ago, I ask myself many times why I hadn’t, but you know what? I’m letting that question float away with the wind. I don’t need to ask myself that anymore, I’m fine that I left when I did. I am content. The place where I am at spiritually (if you care) is nonexistent at the moment. I am OK with that too. That doesn’t mean I am not searching for God or something, it just means that at the moment I need to take a break, step back, and see what happens in the future.

My family. My mother is healthy and well and so is my brother. He has a stable job and he doesn’t go to church. I know some people would be sad that he doesn’t but I’m glad he never got that involved with that organization. I know if anything happens he’ll still be by my side.

My friends. They’re great. No, we don’t get the opportunity to be around each other every second of the day, but when we can we get together. We keep in contact and I know that they are here for me if I ever do need them. I appreciate them so much for sticking by my side when I was going through everything, or when at least they tried. Sometimes its mostly my fault because I never let them know in the first place.

School. I don’t mean to brag, again, but I do mean to brag when I say that I am at the top of my class. I don’t care, call me a nerd. I find that to be awesome to know what is going on and to keep all that knowledge inside my brain. I’m not greedy though, when ever I get the chance I help my classmates. I love to help them when they don’t understand something. There is something so satisfying when some appreciates you and gives you that thank you smile.

Last but not least, my new relationship. I am still nervous to lose it, but it seems to be flourishing into something beautiful. I know there is no perfect match out there but this one comes pretty close. We are taking it slow so we can get to know each other and I’m perfectly fine with that, it’s just what I needed.

The person I was five years ago would not believe who I am now. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be in a place like I am today, that I would feel this great and that I would actually know how it felt to be happy again. Its great.

Life is great when you start doing things that you want to do and start living for yourself and not for others.

This is your life, it’s short, enjoy it.

I Hope Life Treats You Kind

It’s over.

It finally happened.

 

Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.

She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I  was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.

That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.

I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.

And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.

 

I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.

There always is.