I Am A Fox

The Fox.

I have a weird obsession with this animal. Any and everyone who is close to me knows how much I love the Fox. Most of them believe that I like this animal simply because it is orange. And to some extent, that does have something to do with it. But it is not the main reason. Let me tell you in depth why I am so drawn to the Fox.

Like I said it did have something to do with the color orange. (It is my favorite color by the way). How did that become so? It started when I was little. I clearly remember back in school when I was just a tiny little nerd. Maybe in kindergarten or even in the first grade. Your favorite color was like your identity. What defined you was; your name, your favorite color, and some random hobby. Different from today (your job, your car, your house. Kid times were the best times).

I remember, boys liked blue, girls liked pink, and there was always that one weirdo that liked black, (no offense to my emo friends). But mainly the blue and pink group were the biggest groups. Even as a little kid I didn’t want to be placed in a group. (Choosing to be part of some thing is different then being placed in it).  I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. Why did I have to be just like everyone else? Then I met Orange.

The color Orange is a color that pierces through your eyes without asking for permission.  It’s strong and bright, it screams courage. It’s always alert, but never afraid.

I liked that. Always alert, but never afraid. The more shades of orange I found the more I began to like it. There was a shade of orange for all my feelings, mix it with red or yellow and you get an even better different forms of orange. I was not like the boys who liked blue, nor was I like the girls who liked pink. I liked Orange. (Maybe I was the weirdo?).

During elementary school one of my cousins used to baby sit me. She was one of those cool teenage girls that had straight A’s but yet hung out with all the cool kids at school, and made them look good. I know, the early 2000’s were something else. She gave me this huge book about animals. A through Z. It had the picture of the animals at the top, and right below it, it had all these fun facts and information about that animal.

The book was amazing. The pictures were great. I remember that I would flip through that book so much that it started to wear out. I came across the tiger. Orange stripes. Cool enough. Orange nonetheless. I learned a lot about tigers at an early age. In the fourth grade that was the only thing I would talk about. Tigers. I even did a report on them in my first year of middle school.

There was something off about the tiger. I liked it yes, but some times I just didn’t connect to it.  Then in middle school I went above and beyond what Nature classified animals as and I tried to relate to them on a human level. (I know, humans, always looking for more than what there already is).

The tiger is said to be one of the most powerful wild cats in the jungle. They didn’t give it the tittle King of the Jungle for any small reason. I already knew that this animal had great strength. The tiger itself represents strength, power, and bravery.

Have you heard of the saying, “never wake up a sleeping tiger”? Well, there is a reason. I think you can imagine.

I lost interest of this creature once I started to notice its monstrous ways. The eyes of a tiger alone can make its prey run up a tree. Did I really want to relate to an animal like that? I know many MANLY BROS would be like, “hell yeah bro, tiger all the way bro, bravery this bro, strong that bro, courage blah blah bro bro bro.” But like, why?

We have all been tigers in our lives here and there. That doesn’t mean we had to stay there. There are many Chinese and Japanese stories about how the human needs the spirit of the tiger at times in life just to survive. I love reading those stories. But that’s why the tiger was not the animal for me.

Then I found the Fox.

Of course I had known some of the fox characteristics before from the book that I was given. But nothing in great detail. Then my great venture began. I hit gold! There were many species of foxes out there. Just like tigers, not all of then came in orange. The red fox (even though its orange as hell in my opinion) is my favorite. The arctic fox comes in a close second, because it reminds me of innocence.

What is it about the Fox that drew my attention? The fox in the wild can not rely on its strength or even its ferociousness, because it doesn’t have any. To many, a fox can seem week, even pathetic, helpless animal. It’s prey doesn’t consist of large animals. It mainly hunts birds, rabbits, and eats any small fish, crabs, some fruits and some vegetables.

This animal, even though it seems harmless is great at avoiding getting hunted. The fox has to manage its way around predators like the wolf, bobcats, and other animals depending where the fox is located geographically. As if it isn’t enough it also has to be on the look out for human hunters.

It has to outwit these predators to stay alive. That’s what I like about the fox. So why did I find and interest in an animal that seems like it is at the bottom of the animal kingdom pyramid? In the native american culture the fox is one of the highest respected animals. It is known for being smart and devious. (It has to be, I mean its going up against these savage killers with powerful strength). It’s also know for knowing the right path to take when everyone else is lost and can’t find direction.

In my life, I’ve had many types of predators. Wolfs, bobcats, hunters, so to speak. I have not won any battle by the strength of my fists like a tiger would have. My battles, fights, and obstacles have been outwitted by the mere capacity of my brain.

In this world of Tigers, Wolfs, Bobcats, and Hunters.

I am a FOX.

Playing With Fire

It’s been a couple of wild weeks. I haven’t had anytime to sit down and notice where I am. I’ve been running and running down a path that I didn’t notice all the signs I was passing.

I am happy. Happy sounds too good to be true. I am content. No, I am ok. Yeah that feels more right. If I were to be content I’d have all of my debts paid. If I were to be happy then I’d be sippin something sweet at a beach with more than 10 digits in my bank account.

But nonetheless, I am here and I am ok.

For now.

See what I did there.

I’ve been texting my ex on and off. I’m trying to get my feelings together before I make any brash decisions. I like her. I like her a lot. I don’t like the religion she is a part of, and that I once was. But I like her. She makes me feel something, something inside of me. In my stomach, then my heart.

I know I like her and want to be with her because there is no validation that I need from anyone any more. From who? Church friends? Nope, they don’t talk to me. Other church goers? Nope, I haven’t seen them in months. My mom? She actually doesn’t want to get involved in this. And my non religious friends? Well, some wouldn’t care. Some would. But it’s my decision. I always end up doing what I want anyways.

Today she texted me saying that she had to say something that she’s been holding back.

After I was done reading what she had wrote I was on the verge of tears. God. What have I done? What did I do? Did I make such an impact on this one person to want me this bad she is willing to to leave everything behind just for me?

What do I do?

I have to be careful.

I’m now playing with Fire.

Aftermath

It’s going to be a week tomorrow since I left my old religion. What do I call it? Ex religion? Old religion? Not sure, but I left it. I’m not going to sit her and tell you that’s it’s been nothing but butterflies and rainbows. It hasn’t. It’s been a struggle. But I am glad to say that even though each day was hard, the next was easier to handle than the day before.

My ex texted me and I decided to be truthful to her and tell her what was going on. She said it was ok for me to feel this way and no one was forced to be in the religion (oh sure). My ‘used to be’ best friend (yikes), also texted me. He asked what was going on and I didn’t think twice when I told him. Well actually I’d did. I was hurt, I wasn’t going to reply. But, the therapist in my head told me that I needed to get what I was feeling out, and plus he deserved to know as well.

He said he really cared about me, funny how his actions don’t comply. I haven’t heard from him ever since.

An elder texted me as well. I actually expect way more calls and texts form not only him but firm other elders and servants form the congregation. he said they had been missing me at the gatherings and church meetings. I didn’t even reply. I know that my mother is still going and I don’t want to make a mess out of this for her.

Speaking of my mom. She’s been handling it a lot better now. At first she was sad, constantly. But now she’s improving. I tell her I love her every chance I get. Because I do. I hug her like never before. And I don’t want her to think I do things to hurt her because that’s not the case, she never hurt me.

At work I told some coworkers and they were honestly more than happy for me. Some didn’t know that I wanted to leave and others did. They have been a great support system honestly, along with my non religious friends.

There was one religious guy that would always try to debate with me at work. And for the matter of appearances, I would defend my past so called beliefs. Today he tried to do the same, so I had to come out, unreligousely.

I told him I’m no longer with my church. He looked shocked. Almost as if I had slapped him across the face. He got emotional. I told him, “look, no disrespect but I don’t really care for religion right now, I need a break.”

Other than that it’s been a good transition. It’s actually been way easier than what I had anticipated. I just hope no one thinks I’m going back.

Now I start my new life. My new journey. It’s actually great. In a week I’ll be 25. In a month I’ll be losing my job but I don’t really mind. It’s a new opportunity. Plus, the summer has just begun. What will the rest of the year bring?

A Letter To My Past Lovers

I was thinking about moving on with my life. In order to do so I have to say goodbye to what once was and be great full that I went through it and take with me what I have learned. I know that sounds super cheesy, but it is what it is. Basically its just Ariana Grande’s song Thank You, Next, in written in a letter.

 

Dear past Lovers,

I wanted to take some time to talk to you. To let you know, that I am who I am in part, because of you. A lot of people can say that who they date or love does not influence the person that they are. They say that they are still true to themselves. I believe that, to a certain extent. We are all influenced, some more than others. I learned a lot from all of you, and I want you to know.

My first lover, my very first lover. I never thought I would have anyone else after you. I remember I wanted you so bad. Why? Because I was influenced by others that I had to? Maybe. But in the end, I really did love you. When it was over I cried so much. I saw the end coming for the longest time but yet still hoped we would make it through, but we didn’t. We’re not even friends anymore, we lost touch, but I’m thinking that it was for the best. I learned so much thanks to you. I learned that someone can love me. It’s possible. Thanks to you. I learned that distance is a cruel enemy and it can’t be trusted.

To my other lovers, I never really cared for you. I need to say that. If I did maybe I would have stayed. Or maybe I have commitment issues, but that’s for another day. I did like all of you. I really did. I tried my best to be happy. But thanks to you time after time I have learned that, happiness does not come from having someone by your side. It does not come from being someone else’s. It comes from your own being, and then after , only after, you share that with the person you love.

Lovers, you have also taught me how far I am willing to go for what I feel love is. I always wanted to be loved, but I never really loved myself. You have taught me to love myself before someone else. How can some one be loved if they do not love themselves?

My last almost lover, you are the one that has taught me the most, but at the same time the one who has left me the most confused. Before you, I thought I knew who I was. Before you I thought I had it all figured out, I never thought I would go in the direction you took me. It left me messed up, dazed, confused. I would do it all over again. Without a doubt. I almost loved you. Almost. I was falling hard. But before I hit the ground I caught myself, picked myself up, and I walked away. I couldn’t take it. You taught me a lot. You showed me how controlling I can be, how needy I am. And before, that would have terrified me, but now, I accept that.

To all of you, thank you for being in my life. I really enjoyed the time we spent with each other. To be completely honest, if I had the chance to do everything all over again, I would. But I wouldn’t change that many things. Maybe some, but I would still want you in my life, at least for that very brief of a second that you were.

 

With much love,

Peter.

June

It is June already can you believe it? I swear just a couple of weeks ago we were complaining about how long January was. I feel as if we went from the start of the year right to the middle. What even happened in the middle? At least for me that’s how it feel. Life is passing by like a bullet.

June. June is a big month for me. Not only because it is in fact my birth month, but it is also the start of summer. Technically, it doesn’t start until the end of the summer, but here in Cali it officially starts at the beginning. Just yesterday the weather almost reached the 90’s. Not to mention that it’s the middle of the year as well. I don’t usually know how to feel about the middle of the year every year. Depends on how my year is going or if there is anything I am looking forward to the rest of the year.

What do I expect from June this year? Answers. I really want answers. If June will not give them to me I am in a position, or a state of mind, where, I’ll take them.

I have all these up coming events for the summer and I do not know what I will be doing. I can’t even start deciding because there are so many little factors that play in. So, that’s why I have to wait until June is done with and I have answers I need.

I have two road trips in the works for the month of August. I really want to go to both. One is for Utah and the other is for Idaho. I love road trips and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I need these road trips. I want them. I don’t know if I’ll have enough money to go. Or maybe I’ll just wing it and see what happens. Life is short. What if I do get a job? Then what?

Things with my best friend haven’t really been the on best of terms. And to be completely brutally honest, I really don’t care about him. If he would just decide to stop speaking to me and end the friendship I wouldn’t even flinch. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t need this high school drama. You want to be friends? You have an issue with me? Don’t text me, say it straight to my face.

So June, what do you have in store for me this year?