I AM . . .

I have lived a double life for a while. (I am a mess). I go to church. I am a Jehovah Witness. You think you know them. But, you don’t know them well enough. Some rumors are true, others are created in the same room with fairy tales. The point is that I have been in and out of this organization for the past 5 years.

Who am I?

 

I am a God fearing son of a woman who raised two boys all by herself. She isn’t a bad mother, she loves her kids and loves God just as much. I am her son. I have friends in this organization that say they love me. We have history. We have fun, and they have been there for me in my hardest times. I am a good christian, that dated a very nice christian girl but sadly did not work out. I live my life in the eyes of these people as if I am an innocent angel that can do no harm and lives by all the laws of he bible.

I am a rebel and a hypocrite. I partied and drank hours before a church speech. I slept with men right after taking a suit and tie off after coming from a place that told me not to, that it is sin, and not what I was meant to do. I have friends out side of church that I love to death but am told no to speak to.

I am confused. Who am I? All my life I thought I was different. I felt something was not  ok. I never belonged. Up until last year I thought I was gay. I denied it at the start. I tried to change and it didn’t work. So why did I end up falling in love with a girl? Why did I have such a fond of being with her? When at the same time I saw guys the same way? Why? What do I want then? Who do I want? Who am I going to be?

I am a liar. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to my best friend and tell him that he is the only one I talk to. That he need not worry about me, that I am not talking to anyone out of our religion. I lie to my mother when I go out with the “none believers”. I lie when I’m asked if I am ok. I lie to cover up past lies and lies to come. I lie to myself. I lie so much, I start to believe what I am saying is the truth, but I can’t find the truth.

I am messed up. I am an emotional mess. One week I am out of the universe happy, and the next colder than the dark. I will be the most bad ass confident person you will ever meet. I will also be the most quietest, shiest, hands-in-pocket young boy in the world. At times small things can trigger me to jump without thinking, other times the most serious things in life can’t even make me flinch.

I am scared. I don’t want to disappoint my mother. She is my everything. If she is not happy, I will not be happy. What will people say when they find out? If they do? What will they think? What will I do? Who will I run to? I will lose it all. Everything I lied so hard to keep. All those years. Will my none religious friends even want me? What if they feel resentment towards me for only running to them when I need them? Only when I don’t have any where else to turn to? Will they help? Will they be there? What if I am left on my own, what if I can’t find a way out? If I get trapped in my head? What if I can’t take it all? Then? Now? What if I make a mistake that will cost me everything?

What If

Have you ever just been chilling at home, and then suddenly your mind wonders off to a far away distant dimension that’s parallel to the life that you’re living now but only with small differences?

Wow, ok let me simplify that just a bit.

So, you ever wonder how different your life would have been if you did just one thing different? If that one decision you had, the no you said turned into a yes, or the job you didn’t take you took? Where would you be now? What if you had stayed with your first girlfriend/boyfriend? What if you hadn’t moved to that new city you feared so much? Or what if you did take the chance and had moved away from home?

I’m constantly thinking about that stuff. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but I’m always living in the what if of life.

What if I just quit my job? What if I just run away? Start a new life? Leave everyone behind? Change my phone number, move somewhere else? Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the picture.

There are a lot of what ifs that I have floating in my head that could have potentially have changed my life drastically in the past. Maybe even now they still could. But that’s the thing with what ifs, that’s all they are. Thoughts, dreams, a picture that slowly fade away with time until you forget about them.

But, what if you never do?


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Thank You, Next

I did it.

I finally had true courage to end this relationship. I’m not sure if it even was a relationship. What ever it was, it’s over.

How do I feel? A little better. But I’m not going to lie here, I do feel a little upset. Some what sad even. I really wanted this to work and I honestly thought it was going to work. We were going to be the best power couple of 2019. But no, it failed. It ended. It’s over.

It’s all her dads fault. Let’s not sugar coat the truth. He got in the way and we let him. He never let her go out, too over protective. What was I going to do or her? I believe myself to be one of the most respectful people I know. I have morals, I have common sense. But sometimes that’s not enough is it?

She cried. Her beautiful cry. Sweet tears dripping down her tan face. Her eyes staring at me in disbelief of what I was saying. I felt terrible. Why would I hurt her like that? What do I hurt people like that? I almost didn’t do it. I almost stopped myself and told me that we could work it out. We could change and make it better . But then I remember how I feel when she can never go out, when I can’t talk to her, all because of her parents.

In the end we shook hands. Like a smooth business deal. Like a deal we made, something that we came to terms with each other. Just like that.

So what’s next? Who’s next?

Whatever This Thing Is

Let’s talk about my relationship.

Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.

We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.

God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.

I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.

If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.

Over Protective

I’ve had relationships that have lasted less then two weeks but felt like years. I’ve had long distance relationships, and I’ve had relationships that I didn’t even want to be in. But the one I’m in right now is by far the one that beats the rest on so many levels.

This thing that I have going right now is insane. First I had issues with her expressing herself the way I wanted her too. For me that was a deal breaker, but I stayed. I really liked her, even still. But now this, her family getting involved. A little too over involved.

Ok, I get it. Sometimes the family likes to get involved when their daughter or sister is dating the new guy. I’d understand if they didn’t know who I was, or didn’t even know my mom. But they know her and they know me. What more do they want from me? I treat her well, I am respectful towards her, and I don’t ask if her anything that is inappropriate.

Her father is very over possessive. I’ve actually never seen a father like this. The girl is twenty and still needs permission to leave the house. She still has a curfew and technically can’t leave the city without her parents. This irritates me to the core!

Her mother told her today that she’d like for her to text me less, call me less, and see me less. Um hello? How the hell are we supposed to date? Let alone get to know each other? Can a parent explain? I treat her parents with the up most respect that my bones can handle and they still find me untrustworthy.

I wanted this to work, I thought it was, and she was finally putting her part into making it work too. But now her parents are getting in the way. Am I doing something wrong? Why are they so over protective? Am I the issue here? I’m a magnet that attracts problems in what ever I do.