I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

Relationship Plans

If you haven’t seen it yet you will, “new year new me” or even the “new decade new me” that’s going around on social media right now.

To be honest I’ve always hated that. Yes, if you’re going to better yourself go ahead but don’t blame the year that you didn’t achieve your goals, blame your bad decision making skills and don’t feel bad about it, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s part of life and it’s part of growing. Just be sure to learn from them and don’t repeat them.

With that being said, me and my boyfriend talked about where we want our relationship to go this year. Our goals and our plans.

One of our similar goals is moving in together by at least the end of the year. I know that’s a big step and I have only dated him for a short time but when you know you know right? And it’s a plan for the end of the year not next Tuesday.

One of his goals is to pay off some things he needs to pay off. Not a big deal, and I truly wish him the best in bettering himself and fixing what he needs to fix.

One of my goals is coming out to my family. I know, it’s a big one. But I can’t just move in with him without telling my mom. I mean I can, but what am I going to say? I’m moving in with a friend? No, I just don’t want to do that.

We also talked about marriage. It’s a huge step to be talking about in a new relationship like ours but if you don’t talk about it where is your relationship going? Are you dating just for fun? Or where do you want It to go?

I wouldn’t mind getting married to him, that’s actually what I want. I really love this guy and he’s been good to me so far, he makes me really happy and he says I do as well. So if marriage is on the table then I guess we’ll be eating.

We talked about other things, where we would live, how we would live, working, and a lot of other stuff. It was honestly really cute and it gave me a sense of security, this guy really loves me, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, isn’t that sweet?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but this is going really great, and I really hope it stays that way.

Looking Back At A Decade Of ‘Me’

This may just be the last post of this year, and this decade. I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their loved ones and will have a great New Years.

Looking back at this decade and seeing where I began to where I am now, its just insane. To me 2010 was just a couple of years ago. I was only 15 and I was getting baptized in a cult-religion I just left this year. From then on it would be a roller coaster of things to come, some good, and some very oh so bad. But I made it.

2011 came by fast and it was actually a good year for me. Even though I was struggling with my sexuality I still found happy moments during all the chaos. I also dated a girl for the first time ever. Who I really did love very much but ended up breaking up with later in 2012.

In 2013 I graduated high school and I had no plans of going to college. I was not in very good circumstances to have such a privilege. I stayed home taking care of my brother and 4 cousins while my mother worked. It wasn’t the best way to make money but it helped my moms family and ours at the same time.

Then in 2014 I started working at a fast food place that everyone knows the jingle to. Although its not the most, or at all, the desired job to have, I still loved working there and because I did I got to meet the most amazing people that even today I still call friends.

2015 and 2016 are both a big blur. I can’t honestly say why though, there inst much that happened those years. I did buy a car which is really big but that’s about it. I think it is because I was trying to live a happy life with my friends and also trying to please everyone from church at the same time, I probably lost myself for a bit those two years.

In 2017 my mother told us she had cancer and her long process began for survival, which she is still dealing with now. It was a real hard year. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was trying to follow the “Holy Way”.

2018 was also a good and bad year. I think it was more of a good year for me. Other than my mothers second surgery nothing bad really happened. I really got out of my shell that year and started going to clubs, I started drinking as if I needed it to survive, and I met a lot of new people. But during all this I was still the little good church boy and it got exhausting. It was hard partying all night Saturday and coming home at 4 in the morning and then getting up at 8 for Sunday Service.

I had to choose which path to take and I chose the wrong one at the beginning of 2019. I was full on going to be the very depiction of what a good Christian should be, hell, I was even dating a girl who was the very depiction of what a Great Christian Woman should be. But I wasn’t Happy. So I had to leave what I thought was “The Truth”. I later found where I was actually supposed to be and I met a wonderful guy who makes me really happy.

With that guy I am entering 2020, a new decade, a fresh brand new start.

What will this year (and decade) bring?

2020 here we all come!

Happy New!

2019 Throughout My Year

2019 is almost over and a lot of things are still going to happen before its over, so I want to write this post now that I have the time to.

THIS YEAR MAN, wow this year has been a year right? Or is it just me? Lets break it down;

January

I had been MIA at the end of last year because I was super “religious”. I didn’t really want to blog because I felt that it was worldly. January was the time I came back to this blog, and I came back with a girlfriend. I know, I’m still surprised that even happened but it did. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was lying to myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I did love her though, just not the way I thought I did.

February

I started to see cracks in my relationship with the girl I had been dating from church. Along with stupid church rules we had to follow, we also had to abide by her fathers rules, which sucked. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was not in a good place. I wasn’t happy at all.

March

This month was a big month you could say, not as big as some that are yet to come but it was a something. I broke up with the girl I was dating, started a failed YouTube channel, and started to see the cracks in my former job and religion, which now I don’t have either or.

April

This month was really productive. I was out looking for a new job because things were getting too stressful at my current one. I remember applying to many jobs and hoping to be called in. I didn’t know then but now I am glad no one hired me, things happen for a reason. I also started to have issues with my then best friend from church. This would later result in us not speaking to each other. But it was going to end that way either way since I left the religion, he can’t talk to me now anyways.

May

This is the month that I will mark when my then best friend and I stopped being friends. I remember stressing over our friendship while he was in Cancun having the time of his life with other church people. I was stressed, I had anxiety issues, and to add to everything they had just told us at work that they were doing a mass layoff. Not to mention I was starting to be fed up with the religion I was going that I started to ask myself why I was even going if it was making me so unhappy.

June

This has to be one of the most important months of the year for me. It was when I finally left the religion I was in. I told my mom that I would no longer be assisting the church she had raised me in. It hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like I was putting a knife right in her chest. It was hard, but it was worth it. I also started dating again. I met what I thought was a nice guy and we had a couple of good dates here and there. Mean while my mother was balling her eyes out because she thought Satan had his claws on me. I slowly started to tell my coworkers that I was Gay, and it felt really liberating.

July

I just had ended things with the guy I was dating when the girl I had dated before wanted to meet to talk. I don’t know why I said yes, maybe to be nice? Seeing her again felt refreshing and I still don’t know why I felt the way I felt. I felt bad for her, she wanted me and she was suffering, plus she was a nice girl and I really enjoyed her company. You can put a gun to my face and ask me why I got back with her and I still wouldn’t know what to answer. Maybe I did it for her, maybe to make my mother a little more happier since I wasn’t going to church that would cheer her up. I don’t really know.

August

I was having a good time with the girl I was back together with. I was also excited to leave my work since the time had come to be let go. I was going to collect unemployment and go back to school, which is exactly what I am doing and I am acing my class thank you very much. This is also the month when I started to take my anti anxiety pills. I’m unsure what it was that made me see a doctor but I guess I was just fed up with feeling the way I was. I started to really research the religion I had been a part of my whole life. It was a cult. At first I didn’t want to know anything about it, I wanted it out of my life and I didn’t want anything to remind me that I was once part of it, but this month I was over that phase and I started discovering what it was actually about.

September

I was already having issues with the girl I was dating. She didn’t like my friends because she thought they were the reason I had left the religion. Since she was in it she would always ask me when I was going to go back. It was irritating and I didn’t like it. Eventually since we were both unhappy we split up and I haven’t heard from her since. Soon later I jumped back into the dating pool as if I never had left and started swimming with the fishes. I dated many guys, but one caught my eye… again. I met him over a year ago and now he’s my Boyfriend and I love him.

October

I started to fall for my boyfriend by this time. It was really crazy how much I enjoyed his company. I wanted nothing but him. Every weekend would be so much. He made me feel so good about myself I had never felt so safe with anyone like I did and do with him.

November

November started off really bad. My moms car broke down and I was feeling like I used to feel at the beginning of the year. I was finding fault in everything. If Debbie Downer had a younger brother his name would be Bobbie and I would be him. But the stars aligned and I got to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and I had a great time with him and his family.

December

I’m not going to say that this is going to be the best month of the year because I don’t want to jinx it, so you get the picture. I have realized that I love the guy I’m dating, I love the person I am becoming, and I love the life I am starting to live. It’s been a long ass year and I deserve some fucking happiness. Later this month my boyfriend is taking a week off work for new years. We are going to celebrate it at a rave. He also asked me to stay with him for all the days of his vacation. I seriously can’t wait.

 

That’s my whole year in a nutshell.

2020 here I come.

 

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me”¬†bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.