Talking To Myself

I had a long talk with myself the other day. I was in the state of mind where I was lingering, waiting for life to show me the correct way I should be going towards. Usually, with time things come around and you find out what you need to be doing, or changing.

This wasn’t working this time. Time was passing. Days were flying by. Nothing was happening. So I sat. Turned off my music, and I listened to myself for the first time in a long while.

What do I want? Well, I want to be happy. Ever since I have left my ex religion I have a sense of feeling free. I feel liberated. Light. I’m scared to jump, maybe I’ll float away in the clouds. But all in a good way.

How can I be happy? Doing what I want, as long as no one else is harmed of course. I’m not saying setting fire to homes and breaking into banks. I mean going out with friends, having a good time, getting to do things I was once told I couldn’t do, because it would hurt Them, and of course Him.

Who makes you happy? I am the only one that can make myself happy. Sure, I feel happy when I’m surrounded by people I love and want to be with. But happiness has to come from me. If not, I’d be sad and depressed when I’d be left alone, and that’s not what I want either.

Do I want to get back together with my ex? Yes.

Am I bisexual? Pan sexual? Heteroromatic? I have no clue. I know I want to be with my ex. Emotionally, physically, and even if it sounds shallow, yes sexually. Do I still find men attractive? Yes. A friend told me the other day. A straight man, will be straight. Marry a woman. But that does not mean he will not find other woman attractive. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating on his wife either. It just means he’s human.

Can I date my ex, even when she is still in that religion? Yikes. This was a hard one. I thought about this one. But I left it up to her. I told her what follows; They will tell you not to date me. They will tell you I’m under Satans control and that I am a bad influence. If you continue they’ll talk behind your back, they’ll whisper. They won’t trust you. They might even take some church privileges away. If you want to date me, go ahead. But, I don’t go to church, I don’t see them outside of church, I’m never around them. But you are. You’re the one that has to deal with them. And I will not live like them anymore. I have my own rules, my freedom. If that’s what you want, it’s your choice.

She said she didn’t care. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I miss her.

What’s next? Unemployment. School. I want to go back and learn something, anything really. I will look at my options and figure something out.

As a side note. Everything’s been settle. I know it’s the calm before the storm but I’m not worried for some reason. I’m ready to take on what ever is next. For now I’m good. Good where I stand.

Playing With Fire

It’s been a couple of wild weeks. I haven’t had anytime to sit down and notice where I am. I’ve been running and running down a path that I didn’t notice all the signs I was passing.

I am happy. Happy sounds too good to be true. I am content. No, I am ok. Yeah that feels more right. If I were to be content I’d have all of my debts paid. If I were to be happy then I’d be sippin something sweet at a beach with more than 10 digits in my bank account.

But nonetheless, I am here and I am ok.

For now.

See what I did there.

I’ve been texting my ex on and off. I’m trying to get my feelings together before I make any brash decisions. I like her. I like her a lot. I don’t like the religion she is a part of, and that I once was. But I like her. She makes me feel something, something inside of me. In my stomach, then my heart.

I know I like her and want to be with her because there is no validation that I need from anyone any more. From who? Church friends? Nope, they don’t talk to me. Other church goers? Nope, I haven’t seen them in months. My mom? She actually doesn’t want to get involved in this. And my non religious friends? Well, some wouldn’t care. Some would. But it’s my decision. I always end up doing what I want anyways.

Today she texted me saying that she had to say something that she’s been holding back.

After I was done reading what she had wrote I was on the verge of tears. God. What have I done? What did I do? Did I make such an impact on this one person to want me this bad she is willing to to leave everything behind just for me?

What do I do?

I have to be careful.

I’m now playing with Fire.

Like Old Times

Don’t you hate it when you make up your mind on something, you are (or you think you are) sure about the way you feel, and then something happens and then bam! You’re like, oh, ok. I didn’t know that was lodged up in there like that, thanks heart. Next thing you know you’re flooded with all these emotions all these feelings you thought you were over with. But they’re there, they’re real.


I saw my ex girlfriend today. I texted her on Wednesday that I needed to see her. I’m not really sure what came over me that I needed to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was going on. I needed her to move on from what ever it is she was still feeling for me. Just like I thought I had.

When I saw her today. When I saw her walk in through the door. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but think of all the good times we had together. I couldn’t help but think of how she smelled, how she laughed, how she felt when she wrapped her arms around me.

She is beautiful. Like a warm and calming sunset.

She sat down. I immediately wanted to hold her hands like old times. It was like an instinct. I had to stop myself.

She smiled back at me like nothing ever happened. As if I hadn’t broken her heart. As if I was still her hero. As if she didn’t cry every night because we weren’t together.

We talked. Almost for two hours. It felt like 20 minutes. I told her how I felt. I told her I didn’t think this religion was for me. I told her why. I told her everything except about my sexuality.

I held that in. Like the dirty clothes you hide away from visitors. How can I tell her something I don’t even know myself? I told her I was very confused. I told her I didn’t know who I was supposed to be.

I have millions of people telling me to be someone and other millions telling me to be someone else. I can’t even hear my thoughts.

She said she understood what I was trying to say. She said it was ok for me to feel that way. My feelings are valid. I can feel this way.

I missed her. I really missed her.

The way her curly hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. The way she smiled at my lame dad jokes. The way her eyes stood on mine when we talked.

We hugged when we left. It was a hug that we both needed.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. What I am. I am trying to be the happiest I can be. But this shit it hard.

We said we would keep in touch. I like that. I don’t want her out of my life.

I want to be with her.

There.

I said it.

Second First Date

Grab your cups because I’m about to pour some dam good tea. Grab your cookies and your napkins because this is going to get messy.

I met him on tinder. We had a date planned for yesterday but we actually met last Friday at a club. In our defense, the club was not even a date that we planned it just happened and I am glad that it did happen. You can learn a lot from a person when alcohol lets them say anything and makes the real them come out.

Yesterday was the day. I was so thrilled. I really liked this guy and I thought that we had a really good chance of connecting and actually being a great couple. I still think that to this day.

I got off work and then took a shower and headed straight to his house. I got there pretty late because of traffic and also there was an accident that blocked off the main roads. Nonetheless, I arrived and that’s where the story starts, right?

Well, for starters, we took one of his friends home since she was chilling at his house. (It’s not his house he only rents one room in it, you’re going to need that bit of info later, trust). After that we then headed to Chipotle. There we ate and we talked about a lot of stuff. We were there for about a little just over an hour and I have to say that I really enjoyed it.

We even got to the subject of me not being ‘out’ to my mom and church. But that is for another post (and its coming). . . However, I for the most part, thought that it was a mood killer and he was definitely thinking about dating me after that bomb shell. He’s been out since he was 13 and I thing thats pretty brave. But I’m working on it and I have been for weeks, even before him. I will come out, on my terms and at my time, and not for any one but myself.

We saw the movie Aladdin. Not one of my favorite movies, not even in the top 100 but it was ok to watch. We held hands and it was the best feeling ever knowing he still wanted me by his side. That makes me sound so middle school-ish but that’s how I genuinely felt so sue me.

On the way back to his place we saw Starbucks and we had to stop by. We both love it, me for the sugar and him for the caffeine. When we got to his house I swear it seemed like a scene form a coming of age movie where the cute guy shows the other cute guy all the things that make him unique in his room. The talk about their favorite movies and music.

He showed me all his CD’s, DVD’s, Vinyl’s, and horror movie collection’s. I got to see the taste in music that he has. Which is very unique but I some how also know all the songs he quotes and loves. We even have the same favorite signers. He showed me his action figures thing that are collectibles. He’s just a really cute nerd, and I liked that. I adored it.

He asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said sure. We started seeing Jason Vs Freddy. It was a good movie but I only got to see what happened in the beginning and the end because we had our own little thing we did in the middle which, honestly, happened with out even thinking about it. It just, happened. It was romantic, and I wish I could capture that feeling and take it with me everywhere.

He was falling asleep in my arms towards the end of the movie. Let me just pause here for a second. There is something about just being with someone you like and just holding them. Having them in your arms. Smelling the same smell they are. Smelling them. Being and just living at the same moment with them. Just there. Alone. I just can’t compare that feeling to anything else.

Soon while after there was a knock on the door. Since he fell asleep I walked to the door and it was his friend. She is the owner of the house and rents a room to him. She told me that her mom wanted to talk to him since she also lived there. I was a bit nervous but I woke him up and he went to go talk to them in the living room while I stayed in his room and awaited his return. I was scared, by then I knew they were upset that I was there that late.

I wasn’t wrong. He can back with a really sad face. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry. He said it wasn’t my fault. They just didn’t like it that a total stranger to them was in the house that late. I completely understand. It was late, super late. They didn’t know me. His friend only had seen me once before and her mom only just met me that night, so we did screw up there. But I still would never change anything that happened last night. It was more than perfect.

Today I texted his friend and apologized for over stepping and intruding like I did. She said that it was her mom who was the one that was over reacting but she still didn’t say it was ok so she kind of agrees with her, which is fine I respect that. But she said that she did have other issues bottled up with him that came out, but they talked after I left.

I talked to him about it and he said they established rules. No boys that late. What is late? That is still unknown at the moment. Does he still want to see me? Yes. We planned to go eat somewhere this Monday. I might even have a chance to see him this Saturday if i get to go hiking with him and his friends. I haven’t met these friends. These seem to be more active as I hear they are always hiking. I think he is going to invite me to go since they want to meet me.

Over all, my thoughts? I like him. I like him a lot. I know a lot about him. Not everything but a lot. I know him only a week now but we seemed to have skipped the, what is your favorite color? questions and went right into, what are your biggest fears and insecurities?

He told many friends about me, I have only told 2. Slowly I want to let them know I am dating but I don’t want to get ahead of myself and tell everyone then in 2 weeks tell them I am single once again. I want to be sure of this. I know I’ll get crap for saying this but its true, he’s so broken but well put together and I am well put together but broken. If that doesn’t sound tragically romantic, I don’t now what does.

I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?