Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.

 

BOOM

It’s been a couple of weeks. Not much has happened, but what has, you could say, is a lot within itself. Plus some of my favorite demons are back, as if they were ever invited. Let’s start off with the good first.

I celebrated my first Halloween in public this year. I had gone to a party one time but it was small, less then ten people were there. This time it was for school. Not much of a big deal I know, but there was a potluck and some of us dressed up. I had the time of my life. Plus we watched Hocus Pocus. I had watched it with my boyfriend a couple weeks before, but it was still nice watching it again in class, I felt like a little kid again.

My weekends have still been amazing. My boyfriend and I have only the weekend to enjoy each others company and we try to do the best to make it the best of times. What I truly just want is to spend time with him. We could stare at a wall together and I’d still be content, more than content, I’d be ecstatic.

This week has a been a hard one. My first issue I know is just me in my head. I spend Sunday night over at his house. But Monday morning I felt down. Like something was wrong like something wasn’t feeling right. I don’t know what it was. Everything was fine, I enjoyed the time I had been with him all weekend. We were still doing ok. We weren’t fighting about anything. But, there it was, that feeling of unease. What was it?

Later that day I took my moms car to get a transmission oil change because it was long over do. It has been making a weird noise already that started a couple of days before. On my way back, BOOM. The transmission blew out right in the middle of the street. I was mortified. Scared, I didn’t know what to do, I don’t know anything about cars. Some douche bag stopped next to me only to yell at me to get out of the street.

I let gravity pull me down to a gas station that was right next to where I had stopped. We had to call a tow to take it home because the car just didn’t want to budge. I tried to keep my calm but it was hard. I hadn’t felt that way in a while. It felt humiliating? I’m still trying to locate that feeling and put it where it belongs but it was just so wrong. I was frustrated.

The next day one of my moms friends checked it and he said that the transmission was no good anymore and he would fix it, but it would take him 3 week. Great.

To add on to the hot mess of this week, I have been called Unemployment to see if I got the extension for school and all I get is a stupid machine. I feel like the world is out to get me. The damn week isn’t even over and I’m really annoyed by how it started.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of feelings going on in my brain right now and its all a mess. I haven’t really had a week like this in months. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to feel down.

I constantly tell my friends that they should feel good, they should be happy, and things will get better. But its hard when I’m the one going through shit.

When Superman is feeling down, who helps him up?

Homophobic Vegas

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Do people still say that? Or do things just happen everywhere now?

Anyways let me get straight to the point here, I went to Las Vegas. What did I experience? a lot of homophobia. Maybe I didn’t notice before how people actually are but in Vegas? Out of all the places in the world that would be the last place I would expect it.

I went with my boyfriend and his friend out to eat at this sky thing that’s… in the sky. I’m pretty sure you know it if you have ever been to Vegas before. I want to make it very clear that every single moment spent with my boyfriend was like a fairy tale and I have no complaint. We were having a good time. Soon later the couple that sat next to us really gave us ‘the stare’.

Soon they waved the waitress over and whispered something in her ear, and then they moved to the table that was the farthest away from us, not even five minutes after they had been seated. I know I should give them the benefit of the doubt and think that they just didn’t like the location that they were seated at. But the way they looked at us was alarming.

That didn’t stop me from holding my boyfriends hand in public, even though I did notice he was sort of tense. We talked about it once we had come home the next day. Even walking on the streets people didn’t seem that too open about it either. But that’s all I’ll say about that.

In all, I had a great time. I actually had the time of my life. I can’t remember the last time I was that happy. Which brings me to my next sappy point, I think I’m really falling for this guy.

Last night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about him and I started laughing, I started giggling like a little boy in preschool. I looked like a dork. I don’t know why. I was grinning I was feeling all warm inside. And all I wanted to do was be with him. I didn’t get to see him yesterday but granted I did get to spend four whole days with him. I don’t get to see him again until the weekend and it can’t come soon enough.

The Reality

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most, the person you’ve known all your life, the person you thought would always love you unconditionally tells you that you are a disappointment. I can’t describe the hurt, the feelings, the thoughts that went through my head as this happened. It’s not something anyone asks for, its not something anyone wants or craves, and its not anything anyone should ever have to go through.

I know how religious my mother is, I know that she would give her life away for her church if they suddenly they said that the bible said somewhere that they had to die for God. I know all this. I know that one day I will lose her to them. I know that one day she will never speak to me any more. She will cut me out of her life completely. I know all this, but that doesn’t take any of the hurt that I feel inside away.

As we headed to the store I informed her that I would be going to Vegas with some friends this weekend. (Back story: My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friends’ birthday party and wanted me to so he invited me to go along with him).

At first when I told my mom she took it rather well. She said that my life is my life and she has no control over it and I can do what ever I think is best, she said I should just be very careful. If she would have stopped there then maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower later in the day.

She continued with the whole God wants us to be pure and clean and saint thing. She said how disappointed she is that I have changed so much and how I was such a nice young man before (so I guess now I’m just as bad as a criminal). She said the life that I am choosing to live is not the right one. She told me that one day I will be judged for everything that I am doing and that I will be punished for it. I feel that she knows that I am gay or some thing because she even through out “you have to be careful with the homosexuals specially right now because they’re really ‘in‘ and you know how God feels about them”. She said something about drinking and tattoos too.

I kept a straight face. There was no point in trying to defend myself. She wont listen. She wont understand. The worst part was at the end when she said that if I were to sin against God that things between us would never be the same. I think that broke me the most. She was basically indirectly telling me that she was going to cut me out of her life if I were to “sin” in any way against God. Which, like I have said before, I know.

It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality.

I don’t want this to effect me. I am really doing well right now. In school, the new relationship that I am in, and then not to mention how much progress I have accomplished with my mental health. To any sane person, they would say I am doing more than well.

I’m going to brush this off and move along. What happens happens, I will be ok. Life will move on and I have to live mine and do what makes me happy. And going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his friends this weekend really hella makes me happy.

 

Breaking News

It’s official, I have a boyfriend.

I know to you this may not be a big deal. I know that this may come off as something that’s super irrelevant and there are other things that are going on in the world that are far more interesting. Yes, that’s true.

But in my bubble. In the small world in my head. It’s breaking news. It’s a top major national story, making headlines and dropping jaws from coast to coast.

Everyone’s talking about it. Everyone wants to know the details. But I hold back, because it’s all mine. He’s mine. All mine. At least in my head. In my little world. And I’m all his.


I know I’ve said it before but my weekends are full of butterflies and rainbows. That’s the only way I can describe it. Excuse me if that sounds like a fantasy to you but it is what it is and I love it. Almost seems fake, almost seems unreal. But seeing everything I’ve been through (and at the risk of sounding selfish) I deserve this. I deserve this love.

I think I’ve found it.