Relationship Plans

If you haven’t seen it yet you will, “new year new me” or even the “new decade new me” that’s going around on social media right now.

To be honest I’ve always hated that. Yes, if you’re going to better yourself go ahead but don’t blame the year that you didn’t achieve your goals, blame your bad decision making skills and don’t feel bad about it, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s part of life and it’s part of growing. Just be sure to learn from them and don’t repeat them.

With that being said, me and my boyfriend talked about where we want our relationship to go this year. Our goals and our plans.

One of our similar goals is moving in together by at least the end of the year. I know that’s a big step and I have only dated him for a short time but when you know you know right? And it’s a plan for the end of the year not next Tuesday.

One of his goals is to pay off some things he needs to pay off. Not a big deal, and I truly wish him the best in bettering himself and fixing what he needs to fix.

One of my goals is coming out to my family. I know, it’s a big one. But I can’t just move in with him without telling my mom. I mean I can, but what am I going to say? I’m moving in with a friend? No, I just don’t want to do that.

We also talked about marriage. It’s a huge step to be talking about in a new relationship like ours but if you don’t talk about it where is your relationship going? Are you dating just for fun? Or where do you want It to go?

I wouldn’t mind getting married to him, that’s actually what I want. I really love this guy and he’s been good to me so far, he makes me really happy and he says I do as well. So if marriage is on the table then I guess we’ll be eating.

We talked about other things, where we would live, how we would live, working, and a lot of other stuff. It was honestly really cute and it gave me a sense of security, this guy really loves me, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, isn’t that sweet?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but this is going really great, and I really hope it stays that way.

Cheating

I have talked about this before, so its not something new, if you don’t remember what I said about cheating or think that my opinions are new read this to refresh your memory —-> Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex.

With that being said, I am no one to judge someone who has cheated on their partner. I am not saying I approve it, but I am not anyone’s dad to scold them if they do either. Its your life, do what you want, I’ll give you my opinion if you ask for it, but don’t get mad if its not what you want to hear. Your actions your consequences.

I understand why people cheat. Trust me I do. I get it, you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner any more, something is not going right in the relationship. Or maybe the love that your partner once gave you is coming from a different place and it just honestly feels good. Who doesn’t want to be appreciated?

But why not communicate that to the person you are with? If they can’t compromise with you, or at least try, maybe they don’t love you as much either. Maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

I know many people have many opinions about cheating, I’m not saying mine is right or that there even is a correct one. I have known people that have cheated but have worked it out with who they were with.

I don’t know if I could continue with any one that would cheat on me. I am too paranoid as it is already, I am too emotional, and I waer my hurt on my shirt like a brand logo.

My boyfriends opinion is that ‘everyone has needs’. He only said it once when his friends brought up cheating. I do want to ask him what he meant by that, but I also don’t want him to think I am paranoid, even though this whole paragraph makes me look like I am, so I guess I am, and what?

I want to ask him what he means. How he feels about cheaters, if he ever would, I mean I know you cant predict the future and you can say and swear that you would never, but still, the mentality that you have now is a pretty strong indication. I just need the reassurance that he wont. It scares me that if he says that everyone has needs he might think its ok if its sex and be inclined to do it in the future.

Would you forgive a cheater?

I’ve heard people say that they would if all they did was have sex, because its just sex. They say that if there was an emotional bond it would be different. I just don’t even want to be placed in a situation like that.

Maybe I shouldn’t even think about it, but with everyone doing it, it scares me.

9.8.18

Yesterday was the day.

The day I realized something. Standing on stage next to a beautiful young woman, listening to the wedding ceremony, and feeling all the feels, I want to get married.

Ever since my parents divorced when I was younger I started to believe strongly that marriage was just a load of BS. The thought of me getting married was just not in the picture.

I already knew I didn’t want kids. So not getting married would help in a way. Plus I was never in a good place to get married. I’m the soul provider of my family.

But then I thought. Isn’t that what a father or husband does? And then I met this girl. I knew about her. I always saw her once in a while at church and gatherings. But I never talked to her the way I have been talking to her.

We were paired up to dance at a wedding for the bride and the groom. Her soul is pure. Her smile is perfect. And her laugh is magic.

I knew I liked being around her about a week ago. I liked conversing with her and spending time with her. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, I like her.

During the ceremony I began putting myself in the shoes of the groom, and who was there beside me? She was. Her beautiful eyes glowing with tears of happiness and joy.

Later that night when we were dancing, another one of our friends asked her out to dance. She asked me if I was cool with it, of course I said yes. Because we’re just friends right? But deep down inside I was in pain. Jealousy struck me like lightning, and all I could think about was why isn’t she dancing with me?

I wanted her there with me. I wanted to feel her body move with mine. I wanted to hear her voice in my ear. I wanted her presence. I wanted to make and hear her laugh. I wanted her.

And I still do.

Full Disclosure, I’m Married

I’m falling for someone I know I shouldn’t.

It’s so easy to say. But it’s so hard to just say so with that being said I’m going to move on. Impossible, your heart wants what it wants even when it’s so wrong.

Let me elaborate.

Maybe about two months or so ago I downloaded an app called Whisper, it’s an application where you can post a picture with a quote on it. The quote can be anything you want it to be.

I mainly used the app for expression. Some assholes always just wanted to trade naked pics. It was such a drag. So then I wondered, what if there is some out there? Someone in my situation?

What did I do? I posted about what I was going through to see if anyone would see it. Someone did. It was shady at first because how can some be exactly like me? I felt alone in this world and now here there was a guy telling me he felt the same way.

We messaged each other for ever and once he sent me a picture of what he looked like I was hooked. Plus, him complimenting my looks was such a nice boost of self esteem for me. I don’t get that often and it’s nice when I do.

Talking and talking led to me asking him to move the convos over to a more personal way of communication for us millennials, Snapchat.

Once we started talking he said, “full disclosure, I’m married.”

My heart broke in two pieces. How could he have just done that to me? Make me believe that he liked me and I was warming up to him, and then drop a bomb like that? What about her? Yes her.

Turns out he’s “bisexual.” Now my brain is so confused. I found a guy who understands exactly what i am going through. And he really likes me. But the whole situation is insane.

What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Is he confused and just wants to use me to spend the time? He hasn’t been inappropriate. What are his intentions? I mean he did tell me straight up that he was married. Not straight straight up because he did wait some time but still.

I’ve already started to like him. A lot.