9.8.18

Yesterday was the day.

The day I realized something. Standing on stage next to a beautiful young woman, listening to the wedding ceremony, and feeling all the feels, I want to get married.

Ever since my parents divorced when I was younger I started to believe strongly that marriage was just a load of BS. The thought of me getting married was just not in the picture.

I already knew I didn’t want kids. So not getting married would help in a way. Plus I was never in a good place to get married. I’m the soul provider of my family.

But then I thought. Isn’t that what a father or husband does? And then I met this girl. I knew about her. I always saw her once in a while at church and gatherings. But I never talked to her the way I have been talking to her.

We were paired up to dance at a wedding for the bride and the groom. Her soul is pure. Her smile is perfect. And her laugh is magic.

I knew I liked being around her about a week ago. I liked conversing with her and spending time with her. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, I like her.

During the ceremony I began putting myself in the shoes of the groom, and who was there beside me? She was. Her beautiful eyes glowing with tears of happiness and joy.

Later that night when we were dancing, another one of our friends asked her out to dance. She asked me if I was cool with it, of course I said yes. Because we’re just friends right? But deep down inside I was in pain. Jealousy struck me like lightning, and all I could think about was why isn’t she dancing with me?

I wanted her there with me. I wanted to feel her body move with mine. I wanted to hear her voice in my ear. I wanted her presence. I wanted to make and hear her laugh. I wanted her.

And I still do.

Full Disclosure, I’m Married

I’m falling for someone I know I shouldn’t.

It’s so easy to say. But it’s so hard to just say so with that being said I’m going to move on. Impossible, your heart wants what it wants even when it’s so wrong.

Let me elaborate.

Maybe about two months or so ago I downloaded an app called Whisper, it’s an application where you can post a picture with a quote on it. The quote can be anything you want it to be.

I mainly used the app for expression. Some assholes always just wanted to trade naked pics. It was such a drag. So then I wondered, what if there is some out there? Someone in my situation?

What did I do? I posted about what I was going through to see if anyone would see it. Someone did. It was shady at first because how can some be exactly like me? I felt alone in this world and now here there was a guy telling me he felt the same way.

We messaged each other for ever and once he sent me a picture of what he looked like I was hooked. Plus, him complimenting my looks was such a nice boost of self esteem for me. I don’t get that often and it’s nice when I do.

Talking and talking led to me asking him to move the convos over to a more personal way of communication for us millennials, Snapchat.

Once we started talking he said, “full disclosure, I’m married.”

My heart broke in two pieces. How could he have just done that to me? Make me believe that he liked me and I was warming up to him, and then drop a bomb like that? What about her? Yes her.

Turns out he’s “bisexual.” Now my brain is so confused. I found a guy who understands exactly what i am going through. And he really likes me. But the whole situation is insane.

What do I do? Do I just stop talking to him? Is he confused and just wants to use me to spend the time? He hasn’t been inappropriate. What are his intentions? I mean he did tell me straight up that he was married. Not straight straight up because he did wait some time but still.

I’ve already started to like him. A lot.