Knock Knock. Who’s There? It’s Anxiety Bitch

I went to the gym today. Instead of getting off my car, like a normal person would, I stayed there in the parking lot for about 30 minutes contemplating life. Why? Well, wouldn’t we all like to know.

The cars passed by unaware of what I was going through. Its funny how the world still continues when our brains have stopped to think about nonsense. Nothing will ever be placed on hold for you, its a sad reality but its true.

I didn’t plan this sudden burst of anxiety. Like usual it comes out of the blue and its uninvited. I packed my gym bag, took my brother to his job, and then I headed to the gym with the intention to go hard and be fit. Why is it that I couldn’t get off my car?

I fucking hate anxiety. Hate it. It stops me from doing things that are so simple to some people. At the end of the day its still my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication the correct way.

SO, you can basically say that this post is pointless, “just take your god dam pills and get over yourself.” I hear you say. You have a valid point. I am self destructing at this point, I don’t even know why I do it honestly. But sometimes it sounds like there are a lot of little Me’s in my head and they all want me to do what they tell me to.

I need to get back to taking them how they are supposed to be taken. I just hate the fact that I have to depend on them or else I feel like shit.

Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself, hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it. Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.

My Little Red Friend

We have problem Journal,

      We’ll two if you want to be technical. Cold sores. I have had this problem since I was in the first grade so don’t go making any funny or dirty jokes (or both). A cold sore is a bunch of (motherfucking) blisters bunched up together (to ruin your life just by sitting) on your lip that are more than noticeable. It tingles on your lips but you know if you scratch even the slightest that (bitch of a) blister will only grow.
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      It had to come at the worst of times. No, I’m not meeting anyone new and no, I’m not doing anything special. But then again, who sits around thinking, “oh hey, I haven’t had a cold sore in a while, I think its about time.”

      I put medication on it to try to heal it as fast as I can. I had to go to work regardless. Even though it was pretty noticeable no one said anything! Honestly, that was really surprising. Some of my coworkers are extremely outspoken and have an opinion about every single little thing, yet no one said anything about the volcanic eruptions going on in the corner of my mouth.
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      I’m pretty sure everyone noticed, and maybe it was uncomfortable that they say something? That’s possible. (even though they aren’t really that nice, if at all). Maybe when it heals they’ll ask what happened to my little red friend. How embarrassing.

      Anyway, before I finish Journal, I wanted to also inform you something about my “friends”. I posted something on social media (like I do). Later that night they spammed the group messages with memes and pics about missing each other and what not. One of them sent a pic of her new cat. I asked if it was hers, and she replied with yes, obviously. She got it a month ago. I new but i was acting.

      After I stopped replying so did they. I hate how I have to keep them connected. Why do I have to be the center of our friendship? I cant right now, I’m not strong enough. They don’t even have the balls to demand to know what the fuck is going on in my life but yet they want to send funny pics and laugh. Well fuck them, right? Maybe I’m to harsh but that’s how I feel and I cant change my feelings because that’s what they are, feelings.
3/8/2017